Can't stop thinking about lack of skin to skin

[AnnaMarie123]

I've got 4 month old twins and had a very difficult pregnancy. I never allowed myself to believe that I would get to take one baby home, never mind two, but thankfully I was blessed with two healthy babies. The birth was also very difficult and there was excessive blood loss during the c section. I remember very little of the first two days afterwards, other than people trying to keep me awake to breast feed (something I unfortunately wasn't able to crack). The thing is, apart from those attempts I never had any skin to skin time with the babies. I used to cradle them in my arms to cuddle them for the first two weeks, as I didn't really know how to hold them properly and was scared of hurting them. I remember a visitor putting them facing her chest and realising that I could cuddle them like that too.

Now I love my babies to pieces, I absolutely adore them. But four months later I still feel like they belong to my sister or a friend, and I'm just looking after them temporarily
I feel that this is because I never had much skin to skin time with them and was unable to breastfeed. I was in hospital for 10 days, but after day 2 received very little support and feel like I was only there so they could keep checking our obs etc.

Is it too late to have lots of skin to skin time now? I'm worried that my babies won't love me or feel like I'm their mummy. I feel like I've let them down already

You poor love, what a traumatic pregnancy and birth; I bet you are still feeling a little detached and removed from it all.

Start doing skin to skin now if you wish - never too late - but also don’t worry about it; this is a relatively recent addition to the parent guilt wagon. Yes it’s lovely to do, but when I had my kids it was certainly not advisory, so you haven't harmed them at all.

And perhaps chat to your HV or GP, being anxious about things like this may be a sign of PND or general anxiety, so it is worth getting that checked out.

Does anyone run baby massage courses near you? Or if that's too difficult with twins one of the teachers might come and have an individual session at home with you?

This helped me with bonding

I'm not sure when the concept of skin to skin came along but it certainly wasn't a thing when my older children were born. In those days babies were whipped away to be washed and after presentation were often popped into nurseries so that their mother's could have a sleep. I'm not saying that was ideal but just that the babes still bonded with their parents. It was known prior that they recognise your voice and smell from birth. Traumatic deliveries ale time to recover from and getting to know your children isn't instant either particularly with hormones and mood swings in the picture. I feel for you but want to reassure you that nothing that did or didn't happen will harm your little ones.

It definately isn't too late and now is the perfect time with lockdown and all. They would still love skin to skin time even though they may be a little more wriggly. Maybe try some baby massage and cuddles after or before bathtime with them. They are your babies and there is no rule book, just do what you feel comes naturally for you and your babies.

My guess is that difficult birth aside, having two of them you have just felt a little touched out and maybe took the opportunity to hand them over or put them down when you could. There probably isn't much time to do otherwise when you have two sets of nappy changes, feeds etc.

My first two babies were complete chest sleepers and didn't like to be put down. I remember endless hours of them sleeping on my chest as newborns. I have not too long had my third and felt quite upset at points because I realised that I rarely had time with him like this as I had anticipated. But he is such a chilled baby and was always happy to be put down in his basket etc, and we just went with it thinking it would come to and end, but it never did, and because we had two others to look after, it just continued.

I found other ways to bond with him though, lots of cuddles and laughs and talking and just generally always being responsive to him and we are definately very well bonded.

Don't be hard on yourself OP you have done amazing to carry, birth and look after your beautiful babies. I think feeling like they're not yours is normal. I had it with DS for the first few weeks - I would sometimes pick him up and confusedly think of him with the name of friends' babies! I knew he was mine, of course, and I loved him but I think motherhood just didn't feel real and the exhaustion that comes with a newborn doesn't make it easy. I also didn't do that much skin to skin because it was winter and freezing. I don't think it matters so much. They get cuddles and get to feel close to you and smell you and feel your warmth. That's what they need.

Your babies absolutely love you!! You are everything to them. You're their source of food, love and comfort. I think newborns can be hard to bond with because they don't really respond, and so it's easy to start the spiral of guilt and worry. I think you might find it easier when they start to respond to you with hugs and asking to be picked up. Also when we come out of lockdown you'll see how they prefer you to other people.

Don’t be so tough on yourself, I think lots of people feel this way or second guess themselves about all sorts of things they’ve never considered before. It sounds like you had a traumatic birth and then the world went into lockdown because of a global pandemic. I think most people would be feeling unsettled in that situation.

I had undiagnosed mental health problems when I had my first so I remember answering all the PND questions completely honestly telling me midwife that I felt no different to before, no changes etc. Looking back now I can see just how depressed I was and it got so bad I went on to have a psychotic episode. I didn’t have any skin to skin with my first because I had eclampsia and then he was taken to neonatal for suspected infection. Needless to say, that was a horrific time. I had short term memory loss so no idea where I was, where my baby was and I was stuck alone in the room I’d given birth in not knowing what time of day it was with the sounds of other women screaming around me all the time. Felt like I was trapped in a nightmare. I tried breastfeeding but two weeks had gone by and I just didn’t make enough milk by that point. Felt an absolute failure. I didn’t feel that I really loved or had any kind of connection to my son until he was six months old, which was compounded by that fact that I was a teen mother and experienced a lot of shame and judgement. I almost felt that I wasn’t allowed to be happy about having a child.

And now after all that doom and gloom, everything turned out just fine! He’s now twelve and a complete teenage git :D he has obviously always known that I am his mom, is completely bonded to me and none of that has affected him as much as I thought it would. I think every parent experiences guilt, you constantly worry about whether you’re doing the right things for them, giving them the best you can, teaching them the right things etc. I no longer worry about skin to skin or out bond but it has been replaced by all sorts of different things to feel guilty about.

And I think it’s not too late to do skin to skin now anyway. I did it for ages with my second because I enjoyed it and wanted to get all the breastfeeding help I could. I never took a baby massage class with either of my babies, but I have taken my twin nephews with my sister in law and it was really quite enjoyable. My local children’s centre are currently running baby massage video classes which is something you could look into.

But mostly, don’t beat yourself up about it. The things that seem all consuming now when they are babies are just a distant memory in the future. You are their mom and you are providing excellent care for them. They wouldn’t want anybody else but you.

Hi. I felt the same, like a childminder! Its all normal lovely and you are doing an amazing job! Ps i didn't do skin to skin and my 2 year old and i have an amazing bond x

Thank you all so much.
In floods reading some of these replies, especially @ponchek. You are all so kind.

I don't think I've got PND as I would actually describe my mood as very good at the moment. I am happy and relieved, and so so thankful for my beautiful babies. It's just this nagging "surely they're not really mine" thought. I feel like they are too good to be true. It's good to know that it's probably quite normal/common. I will definitely try some of your wonderful suggestions. Off to research baby massage now

All the best to those of you who have also had difficult times with pregnancy and birth

Just wanted to add my story if it helps.

I had a traumatic birth with ds1. Lost a lot of blood and he was quickly taken out of the room while I was being taken care of. I didn’t hold him for several hours.

I was not in a good place mentally for the next few months and I felt very disconnected from him for several months but was offered CBT for ptsd which worked really well and once I had recovered from that I started bonding with him. Until that happened I was going through the motions and felt like I was looking after someone else’s baby and taking care of him because I had to not because I wanted to. It got much easier to love him as he got bigger and started to do more, smile, laugh etc.

I had ds2 18 months later. Very easy birth, so different and fell in love with him straight away. Had skin to skin, bonded immediately.

While I still feel a bit sad about ds1’s birth and first few months it hasn’t affected him or my bond with him in the slightest. I feel equally connected to both my sons, I really don’t think it matters in the end.

Aw AnnaMarie I'm so glad we are helping and hope you're feeling better Xx