What to do if he doesn't return DC

[clpsmum]

Sorry if this is posted on wrong place, wasn't sure where to put it!

My STBXH has ignored all five solicitors letters regarding children and refused to put any agreement in place. He expects to have the children as and when he feels like it. On the advice of my solicitor and the police I have recently stopped him seeing them in the hope that it will force him to go to a solicitor and put a formal arrangement in place.

However, today is one of my DC birthday so I've said he can visit for three hours. My question is what can I do if he refuses to bring him home? I've explained the situation to my DC who is a young teenager but I'm scared his dad will pressure him when there and he just won't return him. Any advice greatly welcomed

Has he never had the children before since you split?

If he hasn't been acting in the best interests of the dc it being a birthday isn't suddenly going to change him.. You have opened the avenue for him to get his way as he has been... Ds being stressed on his birthday isn't in his best interests..

I think a young teenager gets quite a big say in this.

Does your dc want to see him? At 12 my ds went nc with a controlling df...

Yes that's the problem DC does want to see him but I've limited it to three hours. It's a horrible position for DS to be in as it's his dad and he loves him and doesn't realise he's being manipulated.horrible situation all round tbh.

He used to haveDc overnight once a week but the week before last he called my DS and text me to say that's not happening anymore. He's now changed his mind and tried to convince my DS he didn't say that! He's gaslighting them all and trying to me but kids can't see it

Can they meet up in a park? Ds can ring you for pick up when he feels ready..

I've told them both he's to be gone at five. Trouble is ex doesn't respect or care for anything I say and I know he will keep him longer or overnight and want to know is there anything I can do legally if he does?

Not legally. Although you could try and insist the police did a welfare check. If ds seemed distressed they should bring him home. Or go to his house. Denying ds the right to walk out won't bode well in court in the future..

If you don’t have a court order in place the only thing you will be ble to do if he refuses to return them is go to court, that’s why the professionals have said to withhold contact. Don’t do it, I know it’s sad for DS, but if dad hasn’t done what he needs to do then he’s going to need to get used to that at some point....

Windy, the police don’t want to get involved in child custody arrangements unless there are genuine safeguarding issues (which haven’t been mentioned here). Surely the dc will be able to tell the OP if they are unhappy and want to come home.

How old is DS?

If he doesn’t bring him home, then you’ll need to go to court first thing and file for an emergency hearing.
As a young teen your son will be asked his wants and wishes.

op said a young teenager

I know. But young teenager can span a few years.

You're worrying about something that hasn't happened.

@GimmeAy

Or the op is working out what she should do in the event her ex continues to behave like an idiot.

Could you go along so he doesn’t have unsupervised access? Or have him come to you?

It's so difficult. I don't want Ot to be this way but feel like I have no choice. After today contact will be withheld until he gets his arse in gear just felt like I'd be depriving my DS if I didn't let him go. Ex has made my life hell since we split two and a half years ago tbh and it is getting worse, hence withholding contact. The kids do want to see him that's the hard part

I'm worrying about it because he's done this sort of thing before, just opting he doesnt today

Did your solicitor and the police really tell you to withhold contact just because your ex wants to have them on an ad hoc basis rather than at set times?! Is there more to this than you've said? Stopping contact is not usually a good look in the absence of safeguarding concerns. Surely the appropriate thing to do would just be to make them available at a set time each week, and refuse ad hoc contact outside that time. Or do you already have other concerns that you haven't shared here?

How old is DS? That makes a huge difference in you stopping contact between him and his Dad that he wants to have.

He is 14 today. No that wasn't the only reason they told me to withhold contact here are other things going on just didn't want to go into it all and bore everybody!

Legal advice was no contact op.
Presumably you paid for that advice..
From a individual who is qualified to give that advice.
So adhere to it.
Imo.
Or you do your ds a disservice..

He's 14 and he wants to see his Dad. In the absence of him abusing the children which you haven't mentioned here or in previous posts, I think if the 14 year old wants to see his Dad on his birthday, which he does, that should be a major factor.

I thought that too @FrodoTheDodo I didn't want to be a complete bitch about it as it would be my DS who missed out. I'll start the withholding contact t from today once he's returned. They will still FaceTime each other