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Original poster

Should we mjve? Please help me decide

58 replies

Beebityboo · 31/05/2020 07:29

We moved to the semi rural village we currently live in a year ago. My DD was horrendously bullied in her last year at primary and we wanted to give her a fresh start.

After A LOT of difficulty we got all three DC's in to very highly rated, over subscribed schools and they've settled well. DD is still having trouble making friends (aspergers) but she doesn't hate school which is a big step forward.

However, the house we are currently renting is falling apart around us and the LL just will not do anything. Windows that don't open, no bathroom ventilation and the list does on. He's happy for us to stay here as long as we want but needs to be really strong armed in to making repairs.

I also hate it here Sad. I've not been able to make any friends, there's only a little library/cafe in the centre and as we don't drive, literally doing anything else requires a half hour bus journey. I spend all my days in the house by myself even though we have a lot of lovely countryside nearby.

So we are currently weighing up our options and I really need some guidance. Do we:

A) Stay in the village we live but look for a nicer house (the kids could stay at their schools so no disruption etc)
B) Stay in the village we're in and the house we're in and learn to accept how run down/shabby it is but with a bit of security as the LL wants us in long term.
C) Up root completely and move to the cathedral city nearby. This is my preferred option if I was being selfish as I love it there, but it means all DC's changing schools again/higher rent. However its the place I feel I'd like to settle long term. I don't feel that way about where we currently live.

None of the DC's are particularly bothered by the idea of moving, but I wonder if it is because they've been away from their schools for months. I also have no guarantee of school places where we're moving, and I'd imagine it will be made all the more difficult due to the pandemic.

Please help me decide what to do! Its eating me up at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beebityboo · 31/05/2020 07:30

Should we MOVE. Sorry about the typos, not had my coffee yet!

OP posts:
BendingSpoons · 31/05/2020 07:32

How old are your children? That might make a big difference with moving schools. Is there any possibility of you learning to drive?

Original poster
Beebityboo · 31/05/2020 07:33

DC's are 5, 9 and 12. Was thinking of learning to drive next year but as I have a disability I may need modifications etc so it's all a bit overwhelming. DH could learn but then I still wouldn't be able to get around day to day as he'd take it to work.

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AwkwardAsAllGetout · 31/05/2020 07:33

Is there a reason you don’t drive? To me that seems the solution. And I sympathise, I didn’t learn til 2 years ago, at 33. It’s been genuinely life changing and has opened up so many more options. I learned as my ds has asd and got a place in a special school about half an hours drive away. Not a problem really as he gets transport there but it played on my mind that I’d not be able to pick him up if I had to.

Original poster
Beebityboo · 31/05/2020 07:36

I have issues with my legs that makes driving a scary/overwhelming thought but I know I should at least try.

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cherrypiepie · 31/05/2020 07:39

Lots of questions for you to think about - don't expect you to answer them all to me. Why did you pick your current village, especially as you don't drive? What made you pick that house? Was it a rushed decision? What were the options when you last moved? Was the cathedral city on the cards then?

If you purely moved for schools then i think you should stick with it and maybe look for a new house in the village where where you are? What about work?

Moving forward how will the feel when they are older- in a village? What do you mean by semi rural? What services does it have? Take aways, shops pubs, jobs?

I knew it was time to move when the sight of my house made me feel sick.

Teacher12345 · 31/05/2020 07:40

Stay in the village and learn to drive seems the best option to me. Less disruption for the kids.

Mumdiva99 · 31/05/2020 07:41

Kids happiness comes first in my book. Is the secondary school in the village? If so I would stay there and as others have said learn to drive. Have you thought about driving an automatic? Much less leg work.
But get a different house. Your LL will always be a battle.

If your daughters secondary school is away from the village can you think about going there to live?

Poetryinaction · 31/05/2020 07:44

I would move to the city. It will improve the quality of life for everyone. Especially if the kids are happy enough and are not missing school.

Original poster
Beebityboo · 31/05/2020 07:46

We picked this house as finding a house in this village is really hard and we were in a huge rush. We moved to get her in to highly rated local secondary but she got bullied so had to move after a couple of months in year 7 anyway Sad. I also had no idea of what rural/village life was like and didn't realise how isolating and insular it can be. So yes, we moved from a house I loved to this one just for schools, but it didn't make a difference and she had to move to another one anyway!
The cathedral city wasn't on the cards then as we didn't realise that DHs commute would be doable at the time and hadn't spent any time there.
I'm doing a degree with the OU next year so currently a Sahm so work for me isn't a problem and DH doesn't mind commuting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beebityboo · 31/05/2020 07:47

Her current secondary is a half hour bus trip from where we live. The town her secondary is in is an option I guess but still not a lot to do and doesn't guarantee a school place for my younger DC's.

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dancemom · 31/05/2020 07:53

How far is the city from the current school?

BendingSpoons · 31/05/2020 07:56

Would your DD be able to get to her school from the Cathedral city? Or would they all have to change? Sounds like she has had a tough time. If it's commuteable could you wait until your second is starting secondary? Or learn to drive and then move so you can drive back to schools if needed.

Original poster
Beebityboo · 31/05/2020 07:59

It may be possible for her to get a bus to the schools she is at but it would be a long day for her. And although she likes her school, it's very religious and they don't have drama on the curriculum and she really loves it. She is fine with moving again but that will be three schools in a year!

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cherrypiepie · 31/05/2020 08:05

If you found a house you loved as much as your old one in your current village would you be happy? You might have to wait for one to become available. But would mean stability for children.

You are spending a lot of time at home and it would make me miserable living in poor quality housing. Then maybe plan to move again when your dd leave secondary school in 4 years.

TooSadToSay · 31/05/2020 08:06

I don't think you can move her again. But if the younger kids could be moved you could look bear her secondary for a new house that's better

Original poster
Beebityboo · 31/05/2020 08:09

I don't know. I think I would still hate it here Sad. Obviously though it wouldn't be as bad as the condition of this house is awful. When we viewed it initially the LL made it look like he was doing it up but it was just for show. I think if we really pushed him we could make it more liveable but he's not going to do the big stuff like put in new windows.

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Original poster
Beebityboo · 31/05/2020 08:11

In my gut I don't want to rock the boat by moving her again, but she really doesn't seem bothered and says she would prefer to be at a school with more of a performing arts focus.
She's only been at her current school a few months so isn't really attached and still hasn't made any friends Sad.

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Original poster
Beebityboo · 31/05/2020 08:33

I feel like in my heart moving somewhere with more to do, better schools and generally a better quality of life somewhere we want to put down roots is the right thing to do. I'm just terrified DD won't settle again/be bullied again.

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TheBlessedCheesemaker · 31/05/2020 09:08

Wait and see.
You will never forgive yourself if you move schools and it doesn’t work out for your daughter. And bussing her to the school might not work - can be quite stressful on top of the school day for ASD kids.
It will be cheaper than moving to just do some repairs like windows yourself at your own expense, (but I think you may then find other things to stress about). I don’t think moving will necessarily make you happier and I would put it out of your mind unless there is much more justification for a move (eg if you have problems with the schools you kids are currently in and they get unhappy).
Are you yourself able to switch yourself out of stressing about this and simply making do with the situation you are in? A question to ask yourself. The lockdown and some ASD traits yourself might be more at the heart of your concerns than the actual situation?

Original poster
Beebityboo · 31/05/2020 09:16

I was very unhappy before the lock down and thinking about moving so I don't think it has much to do with it.
You're right though that I would hate myself if DD didn't settle at another school as she seems OK at this one. Not happy, but OK and it is a good and supportive school who really helped us out with admitting her.
The DC's are perpetually bored here though and even if we had a car the closest town is Walsall and when they are teens I'd be really uncomfortable with them spending time there alone or with friends.
It's just a rubbish situation and there doesn't seem to be an answer that is perfect for anyone.
Although honestly DD has said she would be happy to be moved again, if she had even hesitated I would not be considering it as she's had a horribly tough time of it.

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RandomMess · 31/05/2020 10:02

Ultimately don't stay in the village - you hate it and your 2 youngest are young enough to move easily.

Older DD see what schools have spaces in the city and what they are like at pastoral support, drama and the things she is interested in.

JellyBellies · 31/05/2020 10:17

I think you should look to move. You sound really unhappy and that unhappiness will impact your family.

JellyBellies · 31/05/2020 10:21

It feels like in your heart of hearts you already know that you will move. But you feel guilty because of your daughter.

You are also allowed to be happy, it doesn't have to be a choice between one of you, I'm sure that you cam find a place where both of you can be happy.

But make sure you are totally happy before you move, a pattern of quick/forced decisions and later regretting and changing your mind is not stable for the kids.

Original poster
Beebityboo · 31/05/2020 10:22

I wish I wasn't this unhappy and that it had worked out but this past year has been the worst of my life and the most isolating. I've called the Samaritans twice Sad.
It is just so hard. Wish I had a crystal ball!

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