Formula feeding, dummy giving...selfish?

[CassandrasCastle]

I am mother to a 6 week old DD, my 'PFB'...but i feel a lot of the time as though I'm taking lazy options or not trying hard enough. Breastfeeding as an example - it was horrible to get the latch right in the first week of exhaustion and painful stitches, but we did end up more or less getting it...and yet I still decided it would be more bearable all round to give formula, now exclusively. I also usually give DD a dummy when she's upset/yelping away a bit. And let her sit in her bouncy chair for quite a long while as I drink tea or very slowly empty the diahwasher. I dunno. I just feel as though I'm not present enough or something. Plus my DP feels bad about the formula because he's just read a particularly scary article about most of it containing traces of heavy metals 😑
Am I normal?? (She slept from 10pm to just before 5am this morning and even that makes me feel as though I'm being lazy somehow. Which is just odd. I'm not explaining myself well)

Parenting is hard and you shouldn't feel any guilt making sensible choices. The dummy or formula won't harm your baby and might make parenting easier. I breastfed and baby wouldn't take a dummy and it sucked some of the joy out of being a mum.

Yes. Formula and a dummy will do her no harm at all and doesn’t make you a bad parent. Chill out op

Yes to “am I normal” that is

You're not lazy! Formula feeding is fine, dummies are fine (actually lower the rate of SIDS so they are a good thing!), your baby sleeping well and being settled are all huge positives! Please don't beat yourself up - newborns aren't the most engaging little things; they can be very draining and also very boring. They do become a lot more fun as they get bigger. Congratulations!

I think what your realising is having a baby really isn't as hard as people make out.

Yes some babies are harder than others.

But in general having one healthy baby to look after with no work is actually pretty easy.

Don't feel guilty. Enjoy your baby. They'll be a demanding toddler tacking over the house and recking everything in no time.

Parenting a baby is about survival!!!

I won't lie breastmilk is better than formula but in the UK we have the ability to sterilise properly etc so it's not a big bad evil thing to do.

I formula fed my first than breastfed the others because I really wanted to and was confident enough in my parent to endure issues with #2. It was really difficult and painful until the bitter end then the next ones were so easy.

Some babies need lots of closeness at all time but some aren't that bothered, they are all individuals. Mine all slept long stretches from early on. They were all healthy and were feeding well, made sure they got enough during "daytime".

If you don't feel ok though speak to your HV sometimes PND can stop you feeling confident in your choices and you sound like you aren't happy with how you're bonding, or I may be reading too much into it.

Be kind to yourself - your baby is thriving and well cared for!!!

Very normal and sensible!

Parenting is a marathon not a sprint. You can't be perfect at it so there's absolutely no point trying. You'll fight the battles you feel are worth fighting - save your energy for those.

Bottle feeding is not selfish.
Using a dummy is not selfish.

End of discussion.

This ridiculous mother shaming notion needs to die a death now.

It,s normal to second guess everything and I think to have a bit of formula guilt. If you are happy with your choices/the way things turned out. (it,s not always much of a choice.), then do,t worry.

I think what your realising is having a baby really isn't as hard as people make out.

@HeatherIV UH NO. This is a really ridiculous comment, and totally relative to each situation. She's had a baby for 6 weeks, she's not saying it's "not hard" , she's just saying she feels guilty for doing totally normal things to try to make life that little bit easier.

OP - you're not lazy. Absolutely not at all. What you've done is what's right for your family and your baby. Having a baby is about surviving, and if giving your baby formula makes it less stressful for you, then you've done the right thing. If giving the baby a dummy gives you a little bit of time to relax then you've absolutely done the right thing. Mum guilt is real, and it's awful, and also totally normal but she sounds like a lovely content baby, so well done you.

Don't be so hard on yourself, they're both fine and normal things to do.

And well done for surviving with a baby in lockdown! I'm not finding it easy, and this is my second child.

You're all being really kind, thank you! I suppose I feel bad just letting her stare at the wall for a bit from her bouncer, or for looking at my phone while she drinks her bottle. Flipping Mum guilt - I had heard so much of it, and v v naively thought it wouldn't affect me much
Lockdown has made the newborn phase particularly weird I think!
I had a socially distanced (!) walk with a friend the other day, left the baby with DP and was gone about 3/4 hours in total? It was lovely to see DD again when I got back, but I didn't feel bad about leaving her. Maybe I'm just concerned about missing a particular maternal instinct

It sounds like you have a settled baby. From my experience, take the 'easy options' while they are presented. Your next baby might not transition to a bottle, or take a dummy or indeed be settled at all unless strapped to you. Don't feel guilty.

Oh god no it's not selfish! I was the same, bottle fed and use a dummy. I also used to put him in a bouncer/walker/swing til he was walking so I could enjoy my coffee. Now I put hey Duggee on so I can😏do not feel guilty! I felt guilty for a while but I soon realised that motherhood is looking after your baby and yourself.

I was the same with DD1. She was bottle fed, had a dummy and was very chilled out. I used to send her off with DH to see my MIL with no guilt at all.
She's now 16 and it didn't do her any harm at all.
Don't feel any guilt at all.

I use a dummy. I think it helps comfort ds :) as long as are trying your best and have decent reasons why you do these things, you have no need to feel terrible.

It's often the mums who dont care or worry that are actually bad lol.

Not feeding your baby - selfish.
Leaving them for hours with dirty nappies - selfish
Never, ever interacting - selfish.

Formula feeding - great, no worries. The baby is fed and happy.
Dummy - great. It even reduces the risk of SIDS overnight.
Baby sleeping for long stretches at night - amazing! Lucky you!

The very fact you are worried shows that you're a good mum. Chillax and enjoy your baby!

Oh God don't feel guilty for letting your baby entertain herself for periods of time! Teaching her independence is part of your job. And an overstimulated baby is an unhappy baby. Chat to her, narrate your day, sing and play - but also give her (and yourself!) downtime. Believe me, teaching her to entertain herself will pay dividends when she's a toddler!

Please don't worry or feel guilty
I bottle fed and used a dummy with my 3
Purely so my exh could help as I have a disability... They all thrived and are 6 foot men now
Your MH is important, and you need to look after your needs, to be able to do the best for your baby

Both my children had formula (BF wouldn't happen, I tried with first didn't bother with second). 2nd had dummy also. Their both fine, healthy, polite and so on. Do what's best for you both.

My baby wouldn't take a bottle or a dummy or sleep. So I exclusively breastfed and although most of the time it was ok there were times where I can't describe how trapped and exhausted I felt. I also really would have liked some time on my own but my maternal instincts/circumstances made me feel I couldn't leave my baby. I don't think I spent an hour away from him until I went back to work.
This intense kind of approach didn't make me any happier and I used to be so impressed by people that left their babies to do something they enjoyed and I'd catch myself staring at people bottle feeding with such envy (not literally, I hope I was subtle!)
What I'm saying is what I did wasn't any better, didn't make me happier, and being round me all the time would have been no better for my baby than being left with his Dad or other people that loved him. My instincts did me wrong!!
So sleep, play on your phone, do what you want, have whoever's free feed the baby, let go of the guilt, enjoy!!

In all seriousness, I BF, did every night waking, stayed up with baby when he was ill, never left him, never let him cry, never watched TV etc etc and surprise surprise after the first year there was no gold shiny Mummy medal waiting for me, just my relationship and mental health that had taken a absolute battering. Hope you stay chilled and happy and you're baby continues to be a fab sleeper x

Do whatever you want, it's your baby!

Some people BF, some FF, some use dummies and some dont. Only you can decide what is right for you. I made different choices to you, either option is valid. You will be faced with these choices throughout parenthood, the sooner you dont worry what others think the better!

Gosh I wish I had been more like you with my pfb. There is absolutely no shame in looking after yourself- you're making decisions for the well-being of your whole family and that is admirable. Well done.