DM too scared to come out

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

Not sure why I’m posting really - just feeling . DM is 82 and lives in an over 60s retirement flat about 15 mins walk from us. We’ve been visiting her and standing in the car park while she leans out of the window to chat. Sometimes she’ll come out and sit on their garden bench and we’ll chat at a distance. She’s been going out for short walks but is now having Sainsbury’s deliveries rather than going into the shops. She declined an invite to go round to my aunt’s last week and sit in the garden and today we had planned to meet her in town, stroll up the high street then sit at a distance in the lovely walled garden there. Early on before it gets busy. But she’s emailed to say she’s nervous about coming out so is going to stay at home. I feel really sad that she’s now become too scared to venture out and that this is getting worse. I think her MH has really suffered. But I’m also cross because we were all looking forward to seeing her and I feel that at some point she’s going to have to bite the bullet. But mostly I feel sad not to see my mum.

That’s very sad for you and your mum. Is there anywhere within her living complex you can sit?

I’m loathe to sit in their garden because the other residents might worry - there’s a sign on the entrance asking people not to visit unless absolutely necessary. I’ve suggested she drive to ours (too far for her to walk), come round the side and we’ll sit in the garden, but she won’t. The mental aspects of this have now outweighed the physical for my mum I think.

This makes me so sad, and I don’t think the effect this has had on your mum is at all uncommon. We’ll be seeing the effects on MH for a very long time to come.
I don’t know what the answer is, other than to continue to visit as you are, hoping someone more inspired comes along shortly

Thank you both. I’m crying now partly from frustration, partly sadness. I expect I just need to be patient and carry on as we have been.

I feel the same as your mum & I’m in my 30s haven’t been further than my garden for 10 weeks 😕

ACNH 🙁. I feel a big responsibility for my mum - she moved here 2 years ago after my dad died and she’s forged out a new life but that world is getting smaller through no fault of her own. I feel very sad for everyone feeling frightened now

It’s through no fault of hers or yours so try not to be too hard on yourself.

Another thought is that she might be worried about being caught short for the loo if you are meeting away from her home?

She is 82 so I can see why she is so concerned. Keep trying OP. Hopefully she will feel better soon.

ACNH that’s a really good point re the loo. I hadn’t considered that tbh. It’ll be ok I hope, just have to go at her pace, but like thousands of other people, I’m just missing my mum.

It’s her decision. At 82 I’d probably feel the same way.

It’s so, so hard.
I think I’m going to go and see my Nana this afternoon, first time since December as we went travelling for a couple of months and came back to this shitstorm. She’s scared too, same age as your mum, and getting so low. I worry about her so much.
I’m sorry there isn’t an easy answer, or any way of quickly making this right 😔

Chillipeanuts I know it’s her decision and I respect that. I can also feel sad/frustrated/disappointed/angry at the wider situation.

@Ughmaybenot I’m sure your Nana will be really pleased to see you

Wasn’t sure you did. You said you were “so cross”. Don’t think it’s something to be cross with her about, rather understanding.

I may have misunderstood what you meant.

I think you’re missing the point really Chillipeanuts in that it doesn’t seem to be completely ‘free choice’, more driven by fear and failing mental health. People don’t make choices in a vacuum. So yes while it may be her choice it is worth analysing why she is making the choices she is, and helping her to overcome any issues she may have.

Exactly, by understanding, rather than being cross about it.

For example I can be completely understanding of why my friend with severe anxiety doesn’t want to meet up (in normal times) but I also know (as does she) that her staying at home doesn’t make things anytime better for her, in fact it makes it worse as she sinks into deeper anxiety and then is less likely to leave the house. So yes, her choice, but a choice that is not necessarily in her best interests.

Chillipeanuts yep the overriding thing here is how cross I am with my 82 year old frightened mum.
Or maybe I miss her, I’m sad not to see her and I’m cross about an uncontrollable situation that’s preventing us from seeing each other and her from seeing her grandchildren.

The OP is allowed to be cross at the situation though, I don’t imagine she’s yelling at her mum about it (although I may be wrong!)

I hope so @AvonCallingBarksdale
I really hope your mum feels a bit more comfortable soon, everything seems very dark at the moment but this too shall pass

I think you’re missing the point really Chillipeanuts in that it doesn’t seem to be completely ‘free choice’, more driven by fear and failing mental health.

One minute Chris Whitty is on the TV every 5 minutes with blue flashing light infomercials scaring the bejeebers out of everyone. The next Boris is suggesting 6 people meeting up for a barbecue. So what has actually changed? We don’t have a vaccine or effective treatment.

I’m in the same boat as OPs mum. I’m 8 months pregnant and will continue to make my own calls on the risks I do and don’t want to take. I don’t think that means there’s anything wrong with my mental health. I’m an adult and I’ll make my own decisions, not have them dictated to me by a government who implement policies with little rationale (e.g. don’t see parents from the same household, but so see a person from a different household everyday of the week, have a cleaner going to 15 houses before yours, or multiple people traipsing around your home because it’s up for sale).

Who is to say your choice to go out is any more sensible than your friend “with anxiety”s choice to stay in?

If people do or don’t, it’s up to them. I completely understand your upset though OP. It’s a horrible situation.

Thanks everyone. Just spoken to her, we’re going to carry on as we are for now. Things will get better

Who is to say your choice to go out is any more sensible than your friend “with anxiety”s choice to stay in?

I absolutely never said it was ‘more sensible’, and it was an example from pre Covid times. What I said was that she (and I, as her best friend of 32 years) know that actually her mental health improves when she goes out and sees friends, but in the midst of an anxiety attack it’s difficult for her to make that choice.
I’m glad you don’t feel like you have any mental health issues, however the OP specifically said that she felt her mum’s decision was driven by fear and that her mental health is suffering. We have to assume that the OP knows her mum fairly well to make that judgement.

Spot on Drivingdownthe101
Just in case there’s any doubt, I’m not angry with my mum, I’m angry at the situation. Her MH is suffering, I know this to be true. I understand her rationale but I can still be upset and frustrated.
Thank you for all the kind words.

You’re rushing her. We’re not meant to be doing the meeting separate households in gardens thing this weekend. She’s not going to be one of the first. Give her a couple of weeks until other people in her building are doing it.