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Original poster

Granndparents want to see us, what would you?

55 replies

covidco · 29/05/2020 09:13

PIL want to visit. They live 2 hours away and would come for the day. They are in their 60s but in poor health, numerous underlying health conditions but not in a shielding group. So far we've said no. Our reasons being that I am an NHS worker, and though I use PPE I come in to regular contact with people who do not, and people who are not respecting social distancing/ lock down etc. I do not come in to contact with people who have a confirmed COVID diagnosis, though may be undiagnosed or asyptomatic.

DS is nearly 4 and DD just turned 1. They are both in nursery with other key worker kids. The nursery is not implementing social distancing or using PPE (something I am grateful for and happy about but does increase risk of my children being carriers).

PIL would be unable to last the journey and visit without going to the loo or eating/ drinking. Our toilet is furthest point from the garden. DS just about understands social distancing but I doubt he'd be able to stick to it for a full day, with DD we have no chance.

Would you let them visit?

FWIW, I am not letting my parents/ family visit so it isn't because it's PIL - we get on well, they are nice people but if we say no they will be hurt and upset.

OP posts:

IncrediblySadToo · 29/05/2020 10:29

No. I wouldn't let them

They might be annoyed & upset, but they'll be a lot more annoyed & upset if they do contact it from you and one of them does then YOU have to live with the loss and the guilt.

It's your choice not to put yourself in that position.

Original poster

covidco · 29/05/2020 10:36

tonglong yes, my concern is that we give it to the grandparents and one or the other of them dies. They are reasonably high risk of getting it severely due to their health conditions (based on the information available as those most at risk). I do not feel that I am a big risk to my household, but we are all fit and well generally.

If it rained, they would want (expect) to come in the house.

I think DH meeting them somewhere is probably the best thing, though he doesn't particularly want to do that!

OP posts:

VenusTiger · 29/05/2020 10:41

Since the changes that will come into effect from Monday, I've discussed with my parents (in 70s) that we'll wait until we can at least hug eachother as there's NO WAY my little boy will be able to keep 2m from them - it's too cruel.

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Dementia & alzheimer's Families

NaturalBornWoman · 29/05/2020 10:43

@covidco

Would you let them visit?

FWIW, I am not letting my parents/ family visit so it isn't because it's PIL - we get on well, they are nice people but if we say no they will be hurt and upset.

I wouldn’t be keen on them coming in these specific circumstances, but I don’t see why you wouldn’t drive closer to them and meet up for a picnic.

Original poster

covidco · 29/05/2020 10:43

Yes, I also worry about how upsetting it will be for DS not to hug them.

OP posts:

CoronaMoaner · 29/05/2020 10:45

@venustiger same here.
I’m not letting the children meet up with anyone for a walk or sit in the garden because they will want to hug and I think it’ll upset everyone. I am meeting up with other individuals for socially distanced walks by myself. Get your DH to drive half way and do this.

Original poster

covidco · 29/05/2020 10:47

NaturalBornWoman

Mainly because of toileting and DS wanting to hug grandparents.

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 29/05/2020 10:50

No. Seeing them will be stressful and upsetting because you won't be able to do so much of the things which make a normal visit lovely. And then what happens if one of you goes down with the virus?

It's just not worth it. Tell them this.

Teaandbiscuitsallday · 29/05/2020 10:51

No no no. I don't get why people especially grandparents moaning about about grankids. I've not seen my mum , sister , nanas for 6 mins or more and don't care. Telephones!

dicksplash · 29/05/2020 10:59

I wouldn't be comfortable either. My in laws live in same town as us but wont be coming here as would want to use the toilet and that is against the current rules from my understanding- and we are not high risk as both work from home and even done click and collect for last two weeks.

NaturalBornWoman · 29/05/2020 11:01

@covidco

NaturalBornWoman

Mainly because of toileting and DS wanting to hug grandparents.

He’s nearly 4 so you should be able to explain before that there will be no hugs unfortunately because of the germs. Given your contacts I’m not sure I’d classify careful use of a public loo somewhere like a supermarket as a significant additional risk tbh, but we all have our own feelings about what we’re comfortable with.

PotteringAlong · 29/05/2020 11:03

I’ll be honest, I would let them come now, but I appear to be in the minority!

Original poster

covidco · 29/05/2020 11:06

NaturalBornWoman I have a bladder condition which means I wouldn't be able to wait in the queue outside the supermarket. Plus in the supermarkets and parks around here, the public toilets are closed.

OP posts:

Monkeynuts18 · 29/05/2020 11:08

Personally, I’d also let them come provided that I felt I’d fully explained the risks to them and they were happy to accept them.

They may feel that the joy of seeing their grandchildren outweighs the risks.

You aren’t actually ill and you’ll stay 2m away from them.

EveryoneLoves09876 · 29/05/2020 11:14

My initial thought was I really wouldn't. There are about three things that would make me say no already. Do you think they really understand how at risk they are?

I suppose the only thing is that there may never be a time considering your jobs and the way the virus is going. So tricky op :( for some people I can imagine not seeing grandchildren for nearly 2 years may be worse than getting ill and dying.

Maybe say to them would you be ok with the risk of dying? And really bluntly have that conversation.

EveryoneLoves09876 · 29/05/2020 11:16

Also would they be happy coming all the way down to risk their lives and the just look at grandchildren and not touch them?

My only other thought was could you meet halfway for a walk to distance picnic? (Wee in the bushes)

Nymeriastark1 · 29/05/2020 11:18

I actually forget when I read these post that it might be different where you are. I'm in Wales lockdown hasn't been lifted like it has in England yet. That's why we're all still saying nope not yet! Not even in a public place. Don't put yourself in an uncomfortable position (like not being able to use a toilet) to please people.

BandyMcFab · 29/05/2020 11:19

I wouldn't. People always think they're the exception to the rules don't they?!

Aside from the consideration that they are vulnerable, that you are more likely than some people to be carrying a virus, it's just not going to be feasible to socially distance.

People always say "how would you feel if they died" but it doesn't actually just affect them and you. There is the risk to the healthcare workers looking after them when they're ill, the risk of them spreading it further, the using up of equipment that could be for someone or something else. All because they fancied an afternoon out?!

This "Civic Duty" just doesn't seem to occur to some people.

stopringingme · 29/05/2020 11:32

We have decided not to visit GP at present as we have to travel over two hours to each, 3 different households, and we feel it is not fair on us or them.

Our DD is also Disabled and will not understand that she cannot go in their houses or cuddle them, so it was an easy decision for us.

They are all in their 70's and 80's with various health issues including cancers and heart conditions.

My DH also works in a job that involves crossing paths with lots of people and has been in work throughout lockdown so we feel the risk just is not worth it at the moment.

Do not feel pressurised, they have to realise that you are putting their best interests to the front of your decision, the more people that take a good look at the best interests of others means that more freedom will come quicker.

You know what is best for your family and I know we all want to rush out and meet up but you have to think about what is best for you and your family.

BogRollBOGOF · 29/05/2020 11:43

They are adults and prepared to take their own risks.

For many years, I felt shitty guilt because due to a change from normal routine, I did not kiss my dad goodbye before I went to school.
He never came home again after a fatal heart attack that afternoon.
I didn't kiss my dad on the day he died. That was a heck of a lump of guilt for an 11 year old.

When loved ones die, guilt will creep in over anything. You'll feel guilty because you saw them. You'll feel guilty because you didn't see them. We all die at some point, and having lost a parent suddenly as a child, I'm always on the side of living life to the full while we can.

Lynda07 · 29/05/2020 11:45

I'd suggest they put it off for a few more weeks.

strawberry2017 · 29/05/2020 12:06

I've said to to my husband that until hugging is allowed I'm not taking any chances. My 2.5 year old is not going to understand she can't hug and tbh I don't trust nana.

Original poster

covidco · 29/05/2020 12:27

Yes, I'll struggle not to hug them too. We haven't seen them in 3 months and we miss them.

I think I'll just let DH make the decision, he's the one who will have to break it to them.

OP posts:

Orangeblossom78 · 29/05/2020 12:44

We are having this with the PIL, one of whom is in the shielding group also.

However in their case we may see them as he may not have much longer to live, and it specifically says in the guidance for that group it is their decision, it is they want to see the DCs too.

It is very difficult, on the one hand worrying they could catch it, other hand could die without seeing family - neither of these is easy at all to deal with.

I guess at the end of the day it is their life, their health, their responsibility and their choice. But you also do have the choice to say no. Particularly as it is at your place.

Epigram · 29/05/2020 12:59

They are the ones at higher risk, so I think it's ok for you to say yes, as long as you believe they understand the risks they are taking.

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