DS (12) just told me to “calm down“

[Rollergirl11]

He did it in that really condescending way that men do to suggest that you’re unhinged. I absolutely hate this. I explained “calmly” to him that it’s really belittling to say that in that way, especially to women. Where has he learnt this though? DH doesn’t talk like this. I don’t want to bring up a son who thinks women are beneath him. I think DS thought I was overreacting. Am I?

Well, you're rarely going to react well to being told to calm down when you're feeling anything but! It just doesn't help. But your DS was probably feeling a little frazzled by your own frazzlement, so maybe you both need to be a little gentler with each other.

Wow. You’ve certainly read a lot into a two work comment

I'm female and I constantly said that to my Mum when younger. I think its more of an age thing than a male thing. I grew out of it. Along with stamping upstairs and slamming doors

Sounds like he has a point to me........stop projecting on the poor sod.

Did you need to calm down?

DS1 tells me this all the time too, in typical withering teenage boy fashion. I don't think it's driven by sexism though, he also does it to DH. And because it winds us up- who doesn't get more annoyed when told to calm down?!- he keeps doing it.

Why did he feel the need to say that?

My 13 year old DD says calm down It’s seems to mean chill out get off my back in teen speak. I wouldn’t necessarily think it’s the sexist version of Calm Down Dear.

My 12yo DD says this to me! I agree it's annoying but I don't think it's necessarily a male thing? More of a teenager thing?

Have you said it to him on occasion?
Why did he say it?
Always amuses me when parents get annoyed by children reflecting their words or behaviour.

I was telling him to get his feet off the kitchen table. I’d already asked him a few times and he ignored me as he was on his phone. So admittedly I raised my voice. Then he told me to calm down and I saw red.

Did you need to calm down? I think if someone does actually need to calm down people should be allowed to ask them too. Whether it's a man saying it to a woman or vice versa. He's 12 heading into teen years. He's going to get a bit of an attitude for a while anyway. If this is the kind of reaction you have to everything then yea you probably need to calm down.

I don't think you were overacting. I doubt he will do it again now!

Cross post. Yea he should of taken his feet down. But i think you're both over reacting.

He had his feet on the table and ingored you? Cheeky sod.

That's exactly the kind of situation where i'd have told my Mum to calm down when I was 12 (and older!). Usually prefaced with a long 'allllllllrriiiiighhht' while rolling my eyes.

I would go berserk

Lol AddedHiccup... he might only do it 100 more times!

I’d have been annoyed too OP. At feet on table, being ignored, and being told to calm down.

My DH does the ignoring thing, and then acting all surprised that I’m irritated on time number 3. Enough to drive anyone crazy.

You do sound like you need to calm down

Ha ha, being told to ‘calm down’ in that situation would have had precisely the opposite effect and his phone would now be in my possession! Maybe a learning point for him?

Oh fgs. Don't analyse it as a feminist issue. Your son is a disrespectful little shit. Why does he think it's ok to ignore you?

And that was before you started on here

Utterly typical for teens of both genders but you were right to challenge it. How will they learn otherwise.

When I worked at Community Law, the first thing we were told in our first training session was to excise the phrase, 'calm down', from our vocabulary, because it acts like a red rag to a bull.

It is also banned in our house for the same reason.

A friend of mine's 12 year old son once told her to "just chillax mum". She was not impressed. OP your son is a cheeky sod and I'm not surprised you're angry with him.