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Original poster

Wedding guests who do you invite?

27 replies

Purplesndteal · 25/05/2020 23:06

Thanks to the infinite wisdom of MN I've come to my senses and now know that 30 people is the absolute max I can host at my courtyard wedding.

But who do we invite? We have no friends in common and he has a couple of workmates he's close with but fears the rest will get offended if he doesn't invite them. It's the same for me and my religious congregation crowd. We really can't figure it out

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Betty98 · 25/05/2020 23:09

So it doesn’t sound like everyone you want to invite is less than 30 people so I suppose you have to work out if the venue or the guest list is more important? If you absolutely do not want a wedding over 30 people then just pick the 30 people you want there the most?

Puzzleypuzzle · 25/05/2020 23:10

If you’re worried about upsetting friends, perhaps just family?

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 25/05/2020 23:12

We think it's best if we do it at home. One of the children has social anxiety and it would be eBay for him if he can just chill in his room if he starts feeling overwhelmed.

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Weddings
Betty98 · 25/05/2020 23:13

How many people is parents, grandparent, siblings and their children?

Betty98 · 25/05/2020 23:13

GrandparentS plural sorry, you don’t have to pick your favourite if you’ve got multiple 😂

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 25/05/2020 23:17

It was *best not eBay!

Anywho the least likely family guest list is:

My mum and dad, sister, her husband, their toddler, two cousins, another cousin, her toddler twins and husband.

His mum, his brother, his partner, his aiater, her partner, and her two daughters.

His boss is also his sister's ex husband and she's made a point it's impolite of us to invite him as it will offend her partner, but that's a separate issue!

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Original poster
Purplesndteal · 25/05/2020 23:23

Forgot to add uncle and auntie on my side... If all of them were to show up, it's close to 15 guests, with us and the kids that adds up to 20. Realistically though, I think I can only expect my mum and sister.

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Betty98 · 25/05/2020 23:25

As in, you think the others wouldn’t come?

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 25/05/2020 23:29

Yes I doubt they'll come. All of the would be crossing the pond and the cousin with twins is in Spain. Our closest airport is Bristol and that's more than 3 hours away. Heathrow is about seven hours. Plus god only knows how international travel.will.be next year

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maxelly · 25/05/2020 23:31

I think it's certainly easier to say family only than to start trying to pick and choose amongst your friends - I counted 20 guests from your list so with your own family (don't forget to count yourselves!) you are nearly at your limit already. I hear what you say about not all your family being likely to come but you'd be wise to plan as if they are until they definitely confirm otherwise.

So I think I would choose at most 1 or 2 best best friends each plus their spouses/partners to invite - with such a small wedding I don't think anyone would reasonably expect you to invite workmates or church acquaintances. If you mention you are hosting it at your own house and self-catering it will be abundantly clear you have to have a small invite list! And if you can't choose just a few friends each then don't have any at all, I think it's perfectly OK to say family only... perhaps if you think anyone will feel left out, you and your DP could think about doing a small separate event for your individual friendship groups as a sort of post-wedding celebration but not on the day itself - a BBQ or picnic or afternoon tea or something along those lines? So long as you make it clear presents aren't expected I'm sure people will be delighted to toast your wedding later on!

maxelly · 25/05/2020 23:33

You'd be surprised what people will do for a wedding - DH has family spread across the world and we have been to 2 cousins' weddings abroad in the last few years, and been to numerous others in this country which have had international guests! People often do make the effort because (a) a wedding is a special occasion in itself (b) it's a great excuse to see all your family at once!

Ellmau · 25/05/2020 23:36

Is this the reception, a symbolic ceremony, or a legal wedding in a country which allows you to marry in your garden?

Does the 30 include you, your DCs and the celebrant?

If not, then you and your DP get 15 slots each and pick who you like most. As it is such a small wedding, there should be no embarrassment explaining at work etc that you can't invite everyone.

You may not need to count the toddlers in your numbers - and could maybe stash them in a bedroom out of the way?

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 25/05/2020 23:37

My cousin (the one living in Spain) didn't go to my sister's wedding (in Switzerland).

The saving grace of this "family reunion" would be that three of us had babies within five months, so it's a good excuse for all babies to hang out together.

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Original poster
Purplesndteal · 25/05/2020 23:39

The wedding itself is taking place up the road in the registry office. The seating capacity is 39 and even the dog can come. After the ceremony well just walk down the road for 10 minutes and have the small reception in our home.

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Ellmau · 25/05/2020 23:42

That sounds lovely!

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 26/05/2020 06:38

Thank you! It's supposed to be super small and intimate. I'm also thinking of having the main reception at the house and then head out for drinks in town. I even thought of doing so at the fancy hotel that has a bar, so then we could have our wedding night at said hotel.

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Norma27 · 26/05/2020 08:14

We wanted a small wedding but both have massive families and lots of friends. We had a tiny wedding for parents, siblings, nieces and nephews only (no grandparents around). I think we had 24 people including me and husband.
Then big party later on that evening for 200+. Was perfect.

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 26/05/2020 08:26

I think we ended up with this version of the wedding because the people we'd potentially invite aren't close enough to justify spending thousands on them. It would be around 50 people including ourselves. I'm happy enough to organise something at home that wouldn't break the bank, but we can't fit more than 30 people and that's including us! I still don't think the vast majority of my family would come.

We thought of having a blessing in one of our services and then just bring some nice food with us, at least that way my religious pals would be accounted for.

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picklemewalnuts · 26/05/2020 08:36

How many people do you socialise with outside work/church?

Ellmau · 26/05/2020 08:38

It all sounds good!

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 26/05/2020 08:56

@picklemewalnuts that would be zero. I sometimes go out with two mums from school but last time I did was December.

In all the time we've been together he's never gone out with friends outside of work related events. Neither of us are extremely sociable.as you can tell.

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picklemewalnuts · 26/05/2020 09:04

Is there anyone you'd like to spend more time with? Anyone who has been helpful to you? Anyone who needs a treat? And actually anyone whose company you really enjoy and will make the occasion more enjoyable for you.

It seems as though you have a really small core group, and everyone else is fringe. You can apply whatever whim you like to who comes.

I would say that in such a small group it will be hard for SiL and her partner to avoid her ex, and he may feel uncomfortable. Were you intending plus ones?

picklemewalnuts · 26/05/2020 09:04

Oh, and any neighbours?

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 26/05/2020 09:21

No, no neighbours, nothing. I'm closer to some people from a Facebook group I do count them as my true friends and will in theory come.

We're "closer" to a couple on the religious crown but we've never really socialised were just fairly friendly with and have been to her wedding, but that's a slippery slope because I should then invite her daughter, her son (who's my daughter's Hebrew tutor). There another lady I also like and then another couple who my daughter is friends with their daughter but again, if I end up inviting all of them, I at the last need to invite 6 extra people to avoid bad feelings. I like them but we never really socialised with them.

My partner is pretty much set in inviting his ex BIL he says he has more of a relationship with him that with his sister's partner (and to some extent even with his own sister!) But I know his mum would prefer if he can keep the peace with his sister.

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maxelly · 26/05/2020 09:54

Agree, sounds lovely to me, I'd do a family only ceremony and meal afterwards at your house, evening 'drinks' reception somewhere local (you can see if fancy hotel or similar would let you reserve an area without a huge minimum spend guarantee/deposit) which you can invite DH's work friends, school mums and your church people to if that's their thing, and a blessing at church and food afterwards at a later date, sounds perfect. If you were feeling generous you could put a few pounds behind the bar at the hotel or pay for a welcome drink for everyone? For 50 people or so that probably wouldn't break the bank?

I'd 100% decline to get involved in the debate about your SIL and her exP though - that is definitely one for your DP to sort!