I dont force you to eat it.....

[LetTheSecretOut]

I dont usually live with my partner of 18 months but we decided to lock down together so we have been living together for the past however many weeks. (I have known him for years it wasnt a case of moving a stranger in with the kids).

During the first 12 months of our relationship I gained just over 2 stone. It was a mix of socialising more in the pub, then getting take away when hung over and the fact that he snacks a lot so I was joining in.

Anyway since January I have worked really hard and lost the stone and an extra half going from 11st 3lbs to 8st 10lbs. Mostly it was through exercise and the gym but being careful what I ate too.

Well since he has moved in I have gained 3lbs, I know its not a huge amount but I was losing every week before hand and now this 3lb I just can't budge.

I work out and he will say oh you're a fitness freak, have a day off. He won't come on walks with me and DS but then I feel guilty just abandoning him.

I do all of the cooking, I am much better at it than him and make tasty meals and make more for him and extra sides so he's not hungry but we will end up snacking in bed still.

If I ever say what shall we have for dinner he says chippy or takeaway. So i wnd up having it too. I dont have the strength to sit there with a salad whilst every one eats papa johns.

He always encourages me to just have a gin whilst he has a drink, I mostly decline to be honest but I don't drink at home at all when he's not there.

If I say anything about not losing weight he says - well Its not ny fault, I dont force you to eat it.

And he's right, he doesn't force me too at all but if he wasn't there neither would the unhealthy food be there and I would be lovely and slim.

If I suggest he might want to jon me in a diet (he is 14st 8lb and 5ft 9ish) he just says ohhhh lost a bit of weight have you, are you calling me a fatty.

So basically how have you managed to stay focused and eat healthily if you have an unhealthy partner.

Sounds like he's a feeder. My ex was like that. It was like he got a kick out of testing my will power. I put on so much weight.

Despite your partner’s unhealthy eating, I do think it is harder to lose weight at the moment. I am exercising 6 times (4 times more than pre lockdown) a week and eating the same, but my weight is the same.

It sounds like he has an unhealthy obsession with food. What really helped motivate me eat healthily was reading the every meal is a chance to improve your health.

I think he feels better about being overweight when I am too, like me being healthy makes him feel a bit guilty so he encourages (never forces) me to join in.

I know the only person to blame for what I eat is me but a bit of support wouldn't go amiss.

Watching with interest as I'm in a similar situation!

I'd eat so well if I was single

He's right - but so are you.

I have a similar situation at home. My husband doesn't cook, much prefers beige and takeaway food over anything else. Also eats shop-bought muffins, sweet pies, custards and chocolate in huge quantities. He will eat what I cook though and just fills up on his 'junk' before and after. His bloods and cholesterol are fine (surprisingly).

Mostly I will make something for him (often to eat over two days to give myself a break) and make something quick and healthier for me. I fast 16:8 or longer now so I just don't eat all day long (he does) - and if I want a takeaway I'll have one but mostly, if he wants them, he can sort them out. Kids eat mostly what I do with a bit of what he does.

You can't change him - leave him and his guilt to it - eat what you want to eat/think you should be eating - and let him get on with his shit. Stop expecting to do things together. That's pretty key actually - maybe you'll see the light before the 'I do' and find somebody more on par with your lifestyle. His isn't healthy and, if you follow it, yours will go down the same route but with no discernible benefit.

My husband has been off his normal diet, he is has been working from home so he eats more at lunch in his office, as he nips down and grabs a quick 2 sandwiches, one or two of anything we have baked that day goes up with him and he is ordering more takeout. He's put quite a bit on.

I am normally a picker, mostly sugary things but I was slim and toned, but I have fallen off the wagon a bit and put on a few lbs, and a bit less toned, despite a bit of excercise.

He wouldn't ask us to stop baking to support him, nor would I ask him to stop eating takeaway to support me. If he did ask, I would but we wouldn't deem that reasonable really, we are both adults in control of our own bodies.

I think it's harder in general in these situations as we can't go anywhere (well we aren't anyway) or people haven't been able to get out and about as much.

If I felt he was getting a kick out of me putting weight on, he's not a nice person and needs removing from your home or If you just want a bit more support, have you explained and said he should stop eating what he likes as it is not supporting you ?

... and stop expecting support too. He can't give that to you because to support you would be to acknowledge that his way is wrong.

I totally get that its unreasonable to ask him not to have takeaways, he's an adult after all but the expectation is that we will eat together. Eating meals is sociable isnt it. Also because we haven't lived together before I kind of feel like he is the guest in my home and therefore I should be entertaining him and providing his food as in cooking his meals etc.

I think we are not as well suited as I thought but then it seems ridiculous to say I am thinking about ending our relationship because he eats junk in my presence. Its so much more than though. His bmi is obese and he doesn't want to do anything about it. He isnt interested in exercise at all. I feel like we have less in common and its standing out more and more.

The first 12 months of our relationship I became really unhealthy too, drinking much more than I was happy with, laying in bed half the day with a hangover. Its nit the person I want to be and I have worked hard to get back to where I was before.

I think the worst bit is that he won't go out for a walk with you and your son.

Mine my other half can eat crap and still stay in shape! Whereas it's a battle for every single lb for me

The last paragraph in your last post really speaks volumes. You sound very sensible and deserve to enjoy being you.

I think i have a lot of serious considerations to do. Weigh up if this relationship is really making me happy. No pun intended!

I read ages ago by some psychologist, I think called Alan Love. He said it's not about how you spend time being happy but more about how you arw odd and can you do your odd stuff together? If you see what I mean? x

...just says ohhhh lost a bit of weight have you, are you calling me a fatty.

This sounds very immature to me. Also, it’s not just that he isn’t supporting/encouraging you, he’s sabotaging you, whether knowingly (which it probably is) or not.

Sorry, OP, but I think you should take a long cool look at the relationship and think about whether this is what you want for the next 30, 40, 50 years.

I make my choices and he either eats what I’m having or I cook something else. We have a take away, he might have a lamb doner but I’d have chicken shish with salad no pitta, if they all have pizza I’d make my own indoors, it’s your body and you choose what to put in it, it is hard, I had to overhaul my life because I was ill and right now in this pandemic the scary doctor I can’t thank him enough for giving me the shock of my life.

It’s sad he won’t come for a walk with you 2 though.

I stay focused because my health is my priority as is my children’s, my OH is an adult he can make his own decisions, what he chooses do he can do I’m not his mother

I’m an active sort who likes to keep trim. What other people eat in my presence doesn’t stir me away from eating sensibly myself I have to say. I know I’m better to say no thank you, so I do. If anyone gets insistent or tries to paint me as a killjoy/health nut I simply let it wash over me. I don’t care what other people think I should eat or do, I know my diet is really good and that treats will be of my own choosing thanks.

In other news, I’d be pretty uninspired by a bloke who eats junk all the time and won’t exercise. Can’t see that our lifestyles would gel together well. I certainly wouldn’t be lowering my standards to match his.

The first 12 months of our relationship I became really unhealthy too, drinking much more than I was happy with, laying in bed half the day with a hangover. Its nit the person I want to be and I have worked hard to get back to where I was before.

I think this says it all. Plus he is negative about you exercising (= something you prioritise). Seems like a good idea to think about whether this relationship is right for you.

If I ever say what shall we have for dinner he says chippy or takeaway. So i wnd up having it too. I dont have the strength to sit there with a salad whilst every one eats papa johns

No but you can be mindful while you eat it. Put less on your plate and really savour each mouthful, eat slowly and stop eating it when you're no longer feeling hungry rather than when you feel full. Put the leftovers in the bin.

There's no reason you can't have takeaways.

He wants you to eat like he does so he doesn't feel any guilt over his choices. It's like people who badger you to have an alcoholic drink when you want a lemonade, if you drink alcohol, they feel better about drinking alcohol themselves.

I think it's weird that he refuses your offer of coming for a walk and then you feel guilty.

I also think it's weird that you continually make extra food so that he's "not hungry" even though you know he'll eat snacks later anyway.

Don't ask him for dinner suggestions. He obviously doesn't want to have to think about that.

Make healthy tasty food. So long as you're not doing things he actively dislikes there's no reason he can't eat the same meals as everyone else.

I am being careful with takeaways, which is why I gave managed to get away with just 2lbs, i am eating less not just stuffing myself. Its just really hard. I could say just get yourself a takeaway and I will sort me and the kids but then he would say no he will have what we have and I would feel guilty that I am pushing my diet on him.

I know a lot of it is all my own illogical thinking and not actually his fault but I dont see how this relationship will work out, we just may not be suited?

LetTheSecretOut, Your post that followed mine is really the 'ghost of Christmas yet to come'. He's moved into your home, has no investment in it, won't go for a walk with you and your son and sits there like King Tut expecting to be fed and entertained.

Imagine what he could/would be like if this were a permanent thing? Your future children could have an uphill battle with healthy eating since he just won't. He's not supportive of you and he's actually belittling you. He's seen that you can take charge of your weight - and he's not willing to do that for himself so the best form of defence is attack hence the nasty-ish comments. Not so nasty that it would smack a red flag into your face but nasty enough that they're giving you a fairly brisk breeze as they're flapping above your head.

Do think about this. He should be on best behaviour. Imagine if he actually is and that once that barrier is removed, "Tally-ho". You're already quite subservient to him (from your posts). What does he actually do for you and your son - and the relationship?

And could you see yourself having kids with him?

My husband is tremendous kind and he's supportive of whatever I want to do. As long as I don't force my ways on him. I don't. Our two children are loved well (but managed by me, or they'd be chocoholics too!). That said, if I'd known then what I know now, I wouldn't have married. At all.

I don't believe it's a positive thing for a woman, have a 'stable' instead and keep your home for yourself and your son (and any other children you have).

I feel like that robot on 'Lost In Space' spinning around with my arms out, saying "Warning, warning", sorry. and

I’m concerned that you are taking a lot of guilt onto yourself, and also that your partner is saying mean little digs at you. What are you getting out of this relationship? Please read what you have written and consider what advice you would give yo a friend who said all this.

*to

Your post is actually really helpful. Lockdown has shown me that I dont want to live with him.

I really don't want any more children as I have 3 already (two teens who don't want to come out for a walk either hence not being mentioned earlier) and DS.

We do have fun together - when I fit into his lifestyle and do things he wants to do. We have the same taste in music so before lock down we would go to music events or if I joined him and his mates in the pub.

I guess lick down just shines a spot light on the problems that are already there.

I think if we go back to living apart after lick down and seeing each other less as we were then we would plod along OK but there is no way we can settle down and be a family. Guess that's something we need to decide what we want.