I dont force you to eat it.....

[LetTheSecretOut]

I dont usually live with my partner of 18 months but we decided to lock down together so we have been living together for the past however many weeks. (I have known him for years it wasnt a case of moving a stranger in with the kids).

During the first 12 months of our relationship I gained just over 2 stone. It was a mix of socialising more in the pub, then getting take away when hung over and the fact that he snacks a lot so I was joining in.

Anyway since January I have worked really hard and lost the stone and an extra half going from 11st 3lbs to 8st 10lbs. Mostly it was through exercise and the gym but being careful what I ate too.

Well since he has moved in I have gained 3lbs, I know its not a huge amount but I was losing every week before hand and now this 3lb I just can't budge.

I work out and he will say oh you're a fitness freak, have a day off. He won't come on walks with me and DS but then I feel guilty just abandoning him.

I do all of the cooking, I am much better at it than him and make tasty meals and make more for him and extra sides so he's not hungry but we will end up snacking in bed still.

If I ever say what shall we have for dinner he says chippy or takeaway. So i wnd up having it too. I dont have the strength to sit there with a salad whilst every one eats papa johns.

He always encourages me to just have a gin whilst he has a drink, I mostly decline to be honest but I don't drink at home at all when he's not there.

If I say anything about not losing weight he says - well Its not ny fault, I dont force you to eat it.

And he's right, he doesn't force me too at all but if he wasn't there neither would the unhealthy food be there and I would be lovely and slim.

If I suggest he might want to jon me in a diet (he is 14st 8lb and 5ft 9ish) he just says ohhhh lost a bit of weight have you, are you calling me a fatty.

So basically how have you managed to stay focused and eat healthily if you have an unhealthy partner.

To be fair to him, as you said, when you first got together there was a lot of lying in bed, hangover-eating etc...so it's really you that's changed and not him? You're not happy behaving the way you did when you first met him (which is great, because it sounds unsustainably unhealthy), but he has every reason to expect that you would be happy keeping up that level of eating/drinking/lack of exercise.

So it's a mismatch of expectation. You know you can't eat/drink like that and stay the shape you would like to be. He doesn't care what shape he is and would rather eat/drink than take care of himself.

If you want to carry on seeing him I don't think you should ever live together. To be honest he sounds a bit of a lazy fat sod, but there you go...

Is this really a guy whose lifestyle is compatible with yours? Someone who eats like a teenager and is happy to lie around with a hangover doesn't seem very appealing to me. Maybe you should consider if you want more of a 'grown up' to do life with? Best wishes

I wasn't like that before I met him, I kind of got dragged into that lifestyle, him and his friends like a drink where as before I met him I would drink maybe 3 or 4 times a year.

So whilst it is me that has changed, I have only gone back to how I was before.

You are right about us being a mis match and as soon as lock down is over its time for him to go home and put things right back on a more casual footing.

I'm glad I didn't upset you with that post, LetTheSecretOut. I think one of the most detrimental 'skills' that women tend to have is the ability to be chameleon-like, fitting into other people's wants and needs seamlessly. Sometimes we do it so seamlessly that we can actually believe it's what we wanted to do all along...

You sound very switched on and there's nothing to suppose that the great relationship you have together (when he's not in lockdown in your house), can't carry on being as enjoyable as it was before.

I think he needs to get his feet out from under your table and back under his own... perhaps he will appreciate you more from the relative distance. He did before, the lazy git is just too comfortable holding court at yours. Get the jester out to bother his local takeaways by himself.

Have some confidence in your diet and lifestyle and the willpower to uphold it.
That he decides just to eat what you are and you bail out and order a takeaway because you feel guilty is your issue.

I don’t think he’s going to suit you in the long run but the problem with the junk is easily resolved by you not eating it.

Takeaways are absolute muck anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I get one myself now and then...but come on, it’s not something to aspire to is it?
Why would you ever feel guilty over someone missing out on one, especially;lay when they eat so much of the swill anyway?

Stop being such a pleaser.

You are all speaking so much sense and its helped me to have some clarity.

Before lock down I would spend Friday evening swimking lessons with DS then at the gym with my friends then Saturday morning at the gym and an DS activities.

He would spend Friday night in the pub and saturday morning hung over but it didn't affect me, i was busy with my own stuff.

I think we just need that space.

I am not very tolerant when it comes to living with people either so I don't know why locking down tofether seemed a good idea! Should have known i like my space too much.

I think 'lockdown' has been great for you. Imagine if you hadn't had this enforced incarceration with him. You might have just taken the plunge altogether. Yikes!

Every cloud and all that.

@LetTheSecretOut is there any reason why you can’t send him home now or later this week? You don’t have to wait until lockdown ends. He has his own home, right? It’s not like you’d be kicking him out onto the street. Try not to feel guilty about this too.

Why do you need to wait for lock down to be over if he has his own place?

Did you, maybe, fall for his more relaxed attitude at first? It's often easy to see someone else's lifestyle as having attributes that you wish yours had and it's only after a while that you realise that it's not for you!

Do you have to wait?

Can he go back to his own home now?

If you've decided it's over then how are you going to manage sharing your home, bed, privacy with him?

Best of luck working through it.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe yes exactly. Count this as a blessing. You took a pressure/stress test and the relationship/he seems to have failed. Better to spend two months learning this lesson rather than wasting 5 or 10 years.

it seems ridiculous to say I am thinking about ending our relationship because he eats junk in my presence.

But it's not just that. He is deliberately encouraging you to sabotage your good diet and belittling your fitness efforts, probably in order to make himself feel better about eating badly. That's not a nice or supportive way to behave towards a partner. It's not an accidental influence over your eating habits, it's a deliberate ploy.

I agree its been a good eye opener.

I am waiting till after lock down because I think we can still have a relationship, just not one where we live together. Just put it back to where it was before where we do our own thing and then spend some time together, just not all of it! But if he goes home now then we won't be able to see each other at all with lock down being what it is.

Obviously he might not be happy to go backwards to casual and want a relationship that is moving forwards in which case we will have to split up I guess.

Can a relationship work if it has no plans to move forward towards settling down and just keep casual for the foreseeable?

He’s not into the healthy lifestyle you are. I doubt he ever will be. He’s into the pub culture with mates.

I do go drinking with mine but on soft drinks. I dont think he’d do that though if his mates are all bevvying?

I think you’re better off as you suggest, seeing him on a more casual footing after lockdown.

I’d stick to your guns about the healthy meals though OP. It’s so important to get good nutrition ourselves and especially for children. My neighbours lovely but her kids are all obese. Man boobs and rolls of fat. They will get some slagging off when school returns and it the mums fault for buying takeaways every night. If he wants to eat with the family fine. If it he can get his own takeaway with his own money later if he wants. By then you’ll all be full so that’s fine.

A once a week takeaway treat is fine. But no more than that if you want to stay trim. Congrats on your weight loss, it’s fab! You’ll be right back into the swing of things soon!

Yes it can. It's usually though the men who want to maintain status quo so how refreshing!

The only thing is, we don't know how long lockdown will last, do we? I'd be laying the foundations, ie. giving him chores to do (his fair share), charging him a fair amount for housekeeping for starters. That way, he sound embrace the idea of returning home in due course, with open arms... and no hurt feelings on either side.

You can then keep the relationship as it was, for as long as you both want that.

I feel much better now I have talked it out. I have been married, I have my kids. I have no reason to settle down so I think back to casual is fine.

A good chat about him pulling his weight tonight and see what happens. He offers to buy the take aways so its not costing me anything, just testing my will power.

I think it is also his contribution to the cooking, he doesnt cook because I am better but I wouldn't turn my nose up at a steak salad or a jacket potato, something simple and easy rather than greasy food.

Last night we had chippy at his request and I got boiled rice and curry. He had chicken fried rice, chips, some of DS s + p chicken (a full meal is too much for one teen) and spring rolls. But because it was there I also had a small handful of chips and a few pieces of the salt and pepper chicken.

If he hadn't wanted take away I wouldn't have had that temptation. I need to work harder on my willpower! Just say no.

That’s it. Just say no. Fine to cave now and then, sure. But on the regular? You know it’s not good for you.
You’re the one that’s got it sussed here OP...like I said, don’t lower your standards so you can match his.

Can he actually cook? Does he suggest a takeaway because he has no idea how to produce a meal for a family? Is it laziness? Or is he worried that he may not be able to cook something that you would all eat?

Asking what someone wants for dinner and being met with 'takeaway' every time would fill me with rage, actually. The implication that my cooking wasn't good or nice enough and needed to be supplanted by the local Chinese/Indian takeaway is pretty bad!

He offers to buy the takeaways because that is what HE likes to eat. Eating is and should be a mutual thing when you're in a relationship so it's not just that you can't say 'no', there's a social expectation that you'll share food. He knows that too but his focus is on what HE wants to eat.

What happens if you ask him to get some steaks in and do some jacket potatoes with them, with a nice salad? Test this because it will give you pointers for your new casual relationship with him too.

There's nothing wrong with the odd takeaway, we have them sometimes, but not more than one in a week, we just don't and it's more like a fortnight/3 weeks. We all see it as a treat then and really enjoy it. Every day would be a chore and even my takeaway-loving husband wouldn't enjoy them.

One thing I do want to say to you, that PP has also mentioned, is that you keep looking to yourself for the fixes and for the reasons why this isn't working, you're plenty tolerant and it's not you, it's him.

x-posted with Zaphodsotherhead there.

Great minds LyingWitchInTheWardrobe...

I think I needed that pointing out. Its not the weight, 3lb is a big poo in reality isn't it.

It's the way I am bending to him instead of saying no, I dont want to eat that junk every week. This is whats for dinner, if you want takeaway just get your own.

Much easier when you arent living together eh. Lock down has been a real eye-opener and made me realise what I want or more don't want from the future.

There is never a crap reason to break up with someone if you are not happy in the relationship...

Your instincts are telling you something is not right.... for you .., yes the relationship may have lasted longer if not locked down .... but actually it's shone a spotlight on incompatiblity ...

Not saying whose approach is better as you say he can eat takeout etc
but no support your health /thought for your feelings about it.... you shouldn't feel like you are a host/guest ... it needs to feel like equals ...why is he trying to make you less healthy /fatter?

Not for any good reason.....