I literally cannot imagine my future?

[BalletPinkRoses]

I have had this problem my entire life where I literally cannot ever imagine or picture my future. I remember when I was in year 6 I was convinced I would never actually leave primary school and start secondary school and that, instead, my life would just restart without me knowing and I would live the ages of 0-11 over and over again forever.

The same thing happened with leaving secondary school to go to university, and then graduating university. The whole of graduation day felt like an out of body experience as I could not believe I was graduating.The next day I realised I had gone from student to unemployed graduate and that day I applied for my master's and got in. I could have applied my entire final year of university but it just felt like I was never going to graduate so I never planned for it? I feel like that is how I live my life - no future planning just going "with the flow". Even when I applied to university I feel like I felt quite detached from the experience of applying for it and just went with the flow.

It sounds completely irresponsible or maybe lazy but I promise I am neither of those things. When I am doing something - like my master's - I put everything into it and work extremely hard. However my master's is soon coming to an end and there are several branches I could take my career but I have no idea which will make me happy or which I should pursue. When I speak to friends they all have vague ideas of how their life will look e.g. they will work X years in Y city and save money for a house deposit and then settle down at Z age and have children... I try and imagine my future and future me doing those things and I physically cannot picture it or imagine it so I have no idea what I actually want in life. I have no idea what job I want, whether I want children, where I want to live, etc.

The only upside to this is I find that I am content with whatever I am doing because I cannot picture any other possibilities or options. For example, my master's is stressful and coursemates have expressed how much they are stressed with it or not enjoying it but I never have thoughts like that as I just accept it as it is as I can't imagine any other possibilities for my university experiences other than what it currently is.

Not sure if any of this makes sense but I am just feeling a bit lost and wondering if anyone else feels like this?

I was the same, I spent a lot of my 20s crying in counsellors chairs saying "I cannot envision a future ", I had a bug trauma ( fathers suicide at 21) which in retrospect wiped away any idea of the future because the pain of that wiped away any hope. In retrospect I think it was the sheer pain of survival that made thinking of the future impossible.

Have you had a trauma?

I can totally relate to this; like PP, I think it's a response to trauma although it is something that I've struggled with for years and years. I never imagine the future and I just don't expect it to actually happen. In some ways, it's liberating but it's also very hard to have a career or make decisions when it all seems academic. For me, it's a form of disassociation and I'm trying to work on it in therapy although it's very much a work in progress.

Ive felt like this all my life. 48 now and have a succesful 6 figure salary. Just go with the flow and try not to worry.

@Yearcat13 @mynameiscalypso
I have never had any specific trauma I can link it with. I guess I did have a bit of a difficult childhood as I was parentified and had to offer a lot of emotional support to my parents. When I think about it I did have to suppress a lot of my thoughts and feelings and act older and more mature than I was... It makes sense that that would contribute to a lack of sense of self and feeling a lack of autonomy with my own life? When that I am writing it it is making me think that maybe this is all linked. I think one of the reasons I cannot imagine a future is because I don't actually think my future is mine. I think I just assume I will be needed by my parents and siblings and that I have to think of them first. I don't know...

I never really thought that not being able to imagine your future would indicate something more serious going on, I just thought it was a weird (and frustrating) quirk.

@JetSetGo That is great to hear. I definitely think it has some upsides as I definitely do go with the flow and I am happy where that has led me so far.

Just shamelessly bumping this to see if anyone else experiences this.

Yes I can relate to this. I remember sitting in class aged 13 wondering what the point of school was as I just could not imagine a future for myself. At that time I was needed at home to help with siblings and housework and that was the priority.

I do have a rewarding job now that I am good at. The job didn’t even exist when I was at university!

I went back to university to retrain ten years after falling into an occupation that I ended up not being happy with -but that occupation gave me transferable skills.

So I also agree that there are upsides to going with the flow.

@OhIWouldDrive260Miles It's interesting that you also had a homelife that required you to help out a lot - I wonder if that is what causes this? I am in my early 20s and I still find it hard to try and plan my life because I feel like I am still needed at home to help out. I feel like I have quite a collectivist mindset in that regard.

There are definitely upsides to going with the flow. Sometimes I feel like a bit of a fraud in job interviews and in personal statements talking about how much I am passionate about something and how I have always wanted to work in this area when really I am just going with the flow... But I am happy with where I have ended up so far.

It doesn't sound like a bad trait to have OP if it's not causing you problems in life, maybe you are just happy to live in the moment! I was similar could never think ahead further than a few months but I think that's because I was scared of change in my case!

@Nowifi I found it was fine when I was at school and university as I just went with the flow. But now I have finished university there are three big directions I could go with my career and I have no idea which to go for as I can't imagine myself doing any of them. Realistically I know I would be happy doing any of them as I am the type of person that once I am in a situation I embrace it and never really think "what if" (because I can't imagine "what if" lol) it is just decision making that is really hard.

I think it also leads to this lack of sense of self as I feel like I don't even know what I want.

Yes. I've always been like you describe and I'm 60 ! I've drifted through life, never making any plans or decisions about the future, but somehow that has worked in my favour since I also don't stress about what may / may not happen to me, and I accept what comes along. I've had ( and still having ) a happy and successful life , so it has all worked out well .

I don't think there is anything wrong with being like this - you seem to be doing well in life so don't worry about what others are doing. Just go with the flow !

Interesting. Have you ever looked at Inattentive ADD, or Sluggish Cognitive Tempo?

I was going to suggest it might be a neurodivergence thing too - like ADHD or ASD.

It can be very difficult for some neurodivergent people to visualise abstract concepts, and because ADHD/ASD often affect executive functioning, time is something that can be quite hard to conceptualise. That in turn affects planning, organisation, etc.

I am very similar OP. I used to find appraisals difficult, when I was asked things like where I wanted to be in 5 years time etc,

I’ve been like this and it has resulted in a bit of a midlife crisis as I have had enough of the job I fell into (and have done very well). I keep thinking that I could have done so much else but of course that may not be true. I was also slightly parentified and came from a lower middle class family with no ambition- my mum’s favourite phrase was “that’s not for the likes of us”. Also my female socialisation- need to please and not make a fuss- is strong and has held me back.

The upside is that I have a very solid work ethic and I’m good at counting my blessings and at times like this, it’s useful. I’m trying to get DD to look more widely at the world and its choices but she finds it quite scary.
Build your self esteem and self compassion and read lots of feminist ideas would be my advice.

Wow. I always assumed people were just making up answers to things like "where would you like to be in five years time". The idea that some people might actually seriously plan ahead or have a of vision of where they want to be is kind of amazing.

I am autistic though so maybe that's part of it. I wasn't diagnosed until my 30s and I'm still learning about it!

I relate to you OP. I also feel quite often that my life is not quite real. I'm generally very happy (no the case throughout my teens and 20s) but I rarely feel extremes. So I don't tend to get massively stressed about things but I also don't get massively excited.

I think I sort of bimble through emotions as well as through life.

I'm 51 and have never had an answer to the question "Where do you see yourself in xxx years?" When I was in my early 20s I wanted to marry a rich man, live in big house with horses and dogs and have children. Then reality hit . Still don't know what I want to do (other than not what I'm doing now) or where I'm going - would never have thought I would end up divorced. The only thing I know for certain is that I will NEVER live with a partner again or get married. .

There are only 2 certainties in life - 1. you will be born 2. you will die. The rest is just kind of made up as you go along.

@DappledThings I've never heard anyone other than me say they 'bimble' through things!! I love that word

It’s actually the best way to be I think. I spent years having awful depressive episodes and a big part of that was worrying about the future. I could never just focus on the here and now and enjoy it. I was then put on a combination of anti depressants and now I feel like you. I can’t see into the future anymore and therefore I don’t worry about it. It has been so liberating and I am truly content for the first time in my life. There is that whole mindfulness movement to try and help people be more “present”. You can do it naturally, so just enjoy it!

I can sort of relate. As a child, I imagined a future in which I had a job (the job I actually do have now), was married and had kids. As a teenager, I still wanted all that but a lot of the time I couldn't see it because I was depressed and saw it more likely that I would have killed myself by then. Now, as an adult, I can't say what I want for the future/ where I would like to be, professionally or otherwise, in X years time, because the only future I ever imagined was doing this job, being married and having children, and I am doing all those things. I don't really have any future plans, and do just go with the flow/ stumble from one day to the next. I am not depressed now, I guess I just don't have any ambitions.

OP, it's not what you're asking about, but you sound incredible self-aware and emotionally mature for someone so young - maybe that's because of your childhood. It sounds difficult but maybe it's helped make you the interesting person that you are

OP, you are a lot more insightful than I was at your age, and this will also work to your advantage.

A PP says ‘Build your self esteem and self compassion and read lots of feminist ideas would be my advice.‘

This was effectively what I did in my mid 20s. Although I still didn’t end up with a strict life plan, I realised that there were things that I really wanted to reclaim and explore, and I also developed more of a sense that I was my own person, not just another twig on a family tree.

This thread is fascinating. I'm one of those who catastrophises everything and so needs to plan for every eventuality, ever. It isn't helpful and it causes me no end of anxiety but I feel like if I stop thinking about the future for one minute then something terrible will have happened that I should have been able to plan for.

I had no idea there were so many people on the flip-side. Reading this thread with lots of interest.

I was never able to see a future.

But I think it came from having a bad childhood. I’ve never actually done anything either. Never had a career. I just couldn’t envision it or being a successful person. I’ve always lived in my head though.

I am a catastrophist too. But really shit things and the worst outcome of any given situation DO tend to happen to me so I’ve learned just to plan for them.

I did have one ambition though and spent 20 years of my life trying to peruse it, working hard but was shot down at every turn. Bad luck, not being able to make the right contacts, being shafted by people. After 20 years I threw in the towel, it obviously wasn’t meant to be.

@stellabelle Yes that is exactly how it is for me! Usually I never really notice it it's only because I am in a point in my life where I need to make decisions that will impact my future that I realise how much I struggle.

@ExShield No I have not looked into either of those but I just had a look. I don't think I have either of those. I am pretty quick on my feet and, for example, at university I was able to concentrate during long two hour lectures and I feel like my mind is quite active and alert rather than sluggish or zoned out. I did used to daydream at school when I was younger but I think I was just bored, whereas at university I would stay focussed in lectures. Symptoms for inattentive ADHD include linked with poor organisation and lack of attention to detail but I am the opposite - very organised and meticulous with a high attention to detail.

@LonginesPrime I am good at abstract thought, planning and organising but I do struggle with visualisation. For example when you do those mindfulness meditations and it asks to visualise a beach it takes a lot of effort for me to try and hold an image in my mind's eye. I can't really form a full picture of a beach, it is very compartmentalised like I can picture the sand on its own, and waves on their own but can't really put it together into a picture.

I don't think I have ASD but it does run in my family.

@1Littleweed Yes I really struggle with those kind of questions! I always have to make something up as I cannot imagine five years ahead.

@WarmHeyerette Wow that is a very similar background to me. I really think my background must play a part in this which is something I had never considered before this thread. I think one of the reasons I am struggling as a new graduate is because I know whatever job I fall into I will likely stay in for the rest of my life.

@Oxyiz I know I find it strange chatting with friends who have such a clear idea of their future.

@DappledThings Yes sometimes I think my life isn't real. Sometimes I feel like it is just a practice run and at big moments like graduation ceremonies I just kind of coast through them.

@Meruem Oh that is an interesting perspective, thank you for sharing it. You are right, there are definitely upsides to it. Even now I am a new graduate looking for my first proper job and I am completely content and present when my peers are having existential crises and panicking.

@happypotamus Yes I feel like I stumble to the next. However, even as a child and teenager I don't remember ever thinking about my future, I remember when I was around 15 my friend saying she couldn't wait until we were 18 and could go clubbing (!) and I just had never even thought that far ahead. Even with prom I never thought it would actually happen until maybe a month before and then quickly had to get my prom dress. I relate to you saying that you are not ambitious as I am not either to some degree. When I am in a situation I am a hard worker and ambitious such as when I am at university. However I struggle with getting myself into new situations.

@DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy Oh thank you! That is such a lovely thing to say.

@OhIWouldDrive260Miles I definitely need to build on my self-esteem as I have really poor self-esteem. The past few months have really shown me that I do need to find my own identity outside of my family role. May I ask how you managed to build your self-esteem in your 20s?

@VoteForPayton It's strange because I am quite an anxious person in general, just not when it comes to the future. My blasé nature about the future completely goes against my usual nature. I am quite cautious and well-organised in aspects of my life that pertain to the present but I never think about the future.

@Billyjoearmstrong It's interesting that you are another person who has linked this with a difficult childhood. I had never thought of that connection before this thread. I also could never envision a career. I'm only a new graduate so have not started a career yet but I feel like all my education so far has happened one step at a time and purely from just going with the flow. I am sorry to hear that the thing you were working towards did not come to be.