Have I left it too late?

[Inaminutenow]

I'm originally from Germany, but have lived in the UK for more than 20 years. Came here as a student, met my husband and stayed, have two boys 13 and 10. Throughout the years, I've always had a yearning for my country, which got less when I had the children, but never went away. Always had a dream to eventually move back.
My husband died 6 years ago. At the time I was agonising about moving back, thinking the children would be able to transfer to German school with some difficulty because of the language, but at 7 and 4 they would have been young enough to pick things up. Main reason we didn't move was because I really enjoy my job, not a huge earner, but quite flexible employer, 30 hrs. Also, my MIL is in her 80s and would have taken it badly. And to a degree I didn't want to take the children away from their friends, what they've always known and their heritage and culture. Especially after such an awful time.
But, as time goes on, I'm feeling more and more that I'm just existing, not living. While I get on with people in general, I haven't really formed any strong friendships in all these years. I never visit anyone and we never have any visitors. Back home, I'm aware that my friends meet up regularly, adults and kids, just like it was when I still lived there. I miss being properly a part of a community. I would like my children to have the same childhood that I had, growing up in a village and having the freedom that comes with that.
I go to work, take the boys to sports clubs and matches and do stuff around the house. Most of that has of course now stopped, too. Part of me is thinking that I need to see this through until the boys are independent, and in theory I could move then, but I know it's unlikely that I would move to live in a different country to my boys. I can't see how we could move now that the boys are that much older and would have even bigger problems with school. Also, would I find work? Aaarrrghh. It's doing my head in. I've probably left it too late. I'm not even sure this will make much sense to anyone.

Well you really can’t go now as they’d
Struggle at their ages especially with the language

Can you wait another 8 years!? I know how long that would feel.

We have the opposite problem, stuck here til kids leave home

Should have added that both speak German to a fair level, but not as good as a 'native' speaker. We've always spoken German together, but their grammar isn't 100% and they don't have the breadth of the language.

How old are your kids now? If younger than 13, they will be fine! probably even if they aren't. Honestly, in my profession people need to move all the time, kids are all fine. It is diffcult for a bit, but afterwords they are better for it. A multicultural experience is great, seems like a good idea, since you MIl will not be around forever. Kids also need family and I am assuming they will have some/more in Germany?

I went to a different language school (French) when I was 4, then moved to a different country again (Holland) when I was 7, although attended a French school in Holland I coped.. I still speak French fluently, although my Dutch was never great. I think if your boys already speak conversational German, that they will catch up pretty quickly if fully immersed, and maybe some additional tuition.

It is not just whether they speak German. What about writing in German and reading? If they were smaller they would soon catch up but I think you would be putting the 13 year old particularly at a disadvantage when exam years are looming. How kids do in exams matters in regards to self esteem and also progression pathways. How would you feel if your choices impact on his opportunities and future? I can understand you wanting to return to the land of your birth, especially having lost your dh. Your children also have undergone the trauma of losing their father. You know best about the education system in Germany and how they are likely to cope but, if you are wanting honest opinions op, I think its a massive leap and a big risk at their ages.

I switched from an English school to a French school (in the middle of Paris) when I was 15, having only done French at school.8 was totally fluent within 2 terms. Total immersion works a treat! Seriously, just do it. And if you do it now you are giving your DC the gift of another culture, not to mention so much more choice when they're older. I am SO pleased I had that time in Paris. It was life changing, in the best possible way.

Also the German school system is excellent.

If you haven't lived in Germany for 20 years, what makes you think that you'd have a friendship group to slot into? What if all your friends have moved on? 20 years is a long time - if you struggle to make friends in the uk, why do you think it would be easier to make friends there?

The 10yr old would probably quickly become fluent, the 13 yr old probably would be fine, but is there a possibility of the older one going to an English language speaking school? Might give them a better shot at getting qualifications whilst still developing their German.

Have you talked to the kids about it? Not that you're desperate to go but just what they think about it - they may surprise you.

On the other hand - it's been a long time, it could easily be a grass is greener plus rose coloured specs at play - at least to some extent.

How about a long holiday there (once you are able). You could even give them a year over there and include school. They would learn more than they would lose - life experience etc

Could they continue their education in English in Germany? Might there be an international school where you would relocate to? That way they could continue in their most fluent language but presumably have German immersion in all other contexts?

How old are your kids now? That is the key thing, I would be tempted to go back if they have not reached the last year of primary. If they have, I would say is too late BUT kids of expats go through this all the time and survive, so who knows?

One thing that I would say is that I spent years missing my country, just to realise that by the time I could have left (after divorce) there was nothing left for me in my country to return to: My family was too busy, my mother unsupportive and downright judgemental, my friends had all moved elsewhere and I didn’t have any local contacts to help get a decent reference/job.

Once I decided I was not moving back, I decided to make the best of staying here and and once my “mental luggage” was unpacked and put away, I started discovering that the place I hated for so many years was actually a very nice place to live, and a very good place to rebuild my life with DS in our own. This is Home now, friends I thought were acquaintances are actually very good friends and more supportive than my family would have ever been. I have a good number of friends, but they are all very busy with their families, so most of the times it falls on me to organise meeting up but I am fine with it 🙂

The boys are 13 and 10 now.
I have quite a big family in Germany, most living in the same area, plus friends from years ago. Most have children now and when we go over, normally 2 weeks in the Summer and 2 weeks at Christmas, my boys seemlessly fit in, chat and play with everyone.
Granted their reading and writing is much weaker, which would be a concern. There aren't any English schools in the area where I'm from.

What do your children think about it, OP?

I think the point is that you are unhappy in your life at the moment, so focusing on your home country, thinking that moving there would miraculously solve things for you.
Personally I would find it selfish to uproot your children, especially when you don’t know that moving would give you the fulfilment you crave, you could end up in an « out of the frying pan into the fire» situation, if you moved and ended up feeling the same way you do now.
Is it worth having some counselling sessions to explore what you want from your life and how you can enrich your life as it is now, ie, how to make some friends or feel more involved in the community, then think about moving ( or initially just visiting) your home country when the boys are older and more indépendant ?

I would do it. Life is much more than schooling. family, friends, connections. And it’s not moving to a new area where they don’t know anyone and don’t speak the language, they have friends in the area that they play with in summer and at Christmas there. If you have lost your husband and their father (I’m so sorry to hear that) and have no visitors etc then that must be quite difficult and you must be feeling pretty lonely as an adult. And Germany is an amazing country with excellent, better than the UK prospects for their future. I almost think you’d be mad to stay in the circumstances you describe. I think it’s good you left it a while after their dad’s death, it would have been so much change all at once, this is a better way of doing it.

I moved to Germany aged 22 and lived there for 7 years. I love Germany.

However... something to bear in mind is that you can never go back...by that I mean, you aren't the same person who left, Germany isn't the same country you left, and you may not just slot back in like you might like to.

The children love it there and have spoken about living in Germany, but I've always been cautious, pointing out that they only ever get the holiday experience and that life isn't like that all the time. Also about leaving their friends behind.
I presume this whole corona virus thing has shown that I've been socially distancing for years .
Yes, I am concerned that I may see a move as something that would improve our lives, but it could also be a massive mistake.

Sorry, mistake in my post above...I moved there aged 12, so had my teenage years there. I was so, so lucky.

I'd go , I'm sure they would adapt.
Best now before GCSEs start.
Good luck , sounds exciting.

Why don’t you try it for a year and review it then?

It's never too late! I would go home in a heartbeat if only my ex would let me move with our child.

I think your children are still relatively young and their language skills would pick up considerably if they were completely immersed in it. Only you know how likely it is that they would be comfortable making new friends, settling into a new school etc. If language / school expectations were really an issue, you could always consider sending them to and English-speaking international school in Germany, where they offer UK-based IGCSE (www.expatica.com/de/education/children-education/international-schools-in-germany-106612/#curriculums).

As another poster suggested, have a chat to your children? They might be ready for a change too. What an exciting possibility!

Also, in terms of the possibility it may be a mistake...so what? What's the worst that could happen? Identify it, plan for it and it may not seem so scary. What is the worst? Your children may prefer to go to an international school and there aren't any in the area you move to? Ok, you all either accept this and they go to a local school, or you move to a different area, which may involve all of you making new friends, moving again etc. Another possible worst? You're all miserable and truly regret the move? Ok, that would be awful, and it will cost money to move back, but you could always come back to the UK, or move somewhere else in Europe. Another possible worst? One of your children is happy and the other is unhappy...well, I don't have an answer for that one; it would be an extraordinarily difficult situation. If you truly want to move, perhaps you and both your children should write down / talk about expectations, what the positives of the move could bring, what the challenges might be and how you could all address them as a family?

Thank you all for your comments. It's good to talk things through!