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People who are in a relationship with a man with a short fuse/easily irritable personality, how does it play out at home?

43 replies

Kloss123 · 20/05/2020 22:23

People who are in a relationship/married to a man with a short fuse/easily irritable personality, how does it play out at home?

I don’t mean physically abusive nor do I mean rude name calling, insults etc. but more a general irritation and a short fuse about state of the house, etc. if he’s had a bad day at work etc.

OP posts:
HoneysuckIejasmine · 20/05/2020 22:25

I think I wouldn't stay with them. They can't control themselves, if they are taking out their frustration on you.

MsTSwift · 20/05/2020 22:32

I ended relationships with men like this marrying one would surely be recipe for a difficult life.

Gilead · 20/05/2020 22:51

I’d run, he needs to grow up and learn to control himself. Bet he doesn’t have a ‘short fuse at work or socially...

Kloss123 · 20/05/2020 22:53

@Gilead oh he definitely does exhibit the trait with others including socially and at work.

He ranges between being very caring and supportive to getting snappy and irritated. Never really does an intermediate.

OP posts:
Gilead · 20/05/2020 22:56

In which case he’s just an arse who uses it to get his own way. Walk away, you don’t have to live with someone like that. I assume if the house is messy when you get home, you tidy it. Wouldn’t it be so much nicer to live with someone like you?

cushioncovers · 20/05/2020 23:01

It plays out fine for the person who is constantly irritated. It's awful for everyone else in the home.

Howmanysleepsnow · 20/05/2020 23:01

It’s pretty shit. It’ll never be an equal partnership as I’m on eggshells. When it’s going well he adores me, maybe even looks up to me. But if anything goes wrong in his day it’s my fault.

TARSCOUT · 20/05/2020 23:07

Mine definitely does have a short fuse if he even has one. Couldn't care less about state of house. Always has a bad day at work as he hates it.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/05/2020 23:32

My DH can be like that. We've been married over 30 years, but I gave him an ultimatum about 7 years into our marriage that he needed to change or I was taking the DC and walking. He knew I meant it so he went into counseling and anger management. It was a lot of hard work on his part and a few 'backslides' but he learnt ways to manage his 'irritation' and control his temper.

But honestly, if I 'knew then what I know now' (meaning before I fell in love with him) I probably would have ended the relationship. So I advise you to think long and hard about staying with him. For every man who, like my DH, puts in the hard work to change there are 100 who can't be bothered to change.

Soph88888 · 20/05/2020 23:41

It can be hard as the lows are low and things get blown out of proportion. However the love is there, and the good times are beyond what I’ve had with any one considered emotionally stable. I’ve learned not to take things personally which has actually been good for me. And despite it all he is the most loyal man I’ve ever known

Kloss123 · 21/05/2020 13:10

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
Guineapigbridge · 21/05/2020 15:40

I laugh and tell him he is a grumpy git. I see the good in him, appreciate his many excellent traits. I don't take it personally. I notice when he is more grumpy than usual (and there's a direct correlation between time-since-last-sex and grumpiness). I can be irritable too, aren't we all?

Porridgeoat · 21/05/2020 16:29

Mine gets passive aggressive but it’s a family joke and no one takes it seriously

PicsInRed · 21/05/2020 17:38

It played out abusively. Emotional abuse is abuse.

Don't do it, lovely. Don't be me. Honestly, if you have kids, these controlling and critical ones are awful, even after divorce - but due to having kids together you can't ever properly get away. And they're always worse when you move in and they further worsen with every further binding (engaged, married, pregnant, children).

Run.

SonEtLumiere · 21/05/2020 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhArsebags · 21/05/2020 18:54

It’s hell to be honest.
Everyone walking on eggshells.

TorkTorkBam · 21/05/2020 19:04

This type of person is known as "a dickhead"

Yours sounds like the common variant "selfish dickhead"

MsTSwift · 21/05/2020 19:08

Who the hell does he think he is treating his nearest and dearest like that. Agree Sounds like a twat to me. “Easily irritated” 🙄 most of us decent people keep a lid on it

TorkTorkBam · 21/05/2020 19:17

I am easily irritated. Hardly anyone would know. I manage my emotions as part of life's social contract with other people.

Ginfordinner · 21/05/2020 19:25

We live next door to one. DD was doing an online exam today, and NDN lost his cool about something. DD lost her concentration for about 15 minutes because of him Hmm

userabcname · 21/05/2020 19:30

My stepdad was like this. Always the life and soul of the party, very jovial and charming with other people. At home he was a nightmare - unless he was constantly doing exactly what he wanted and we were all doing as we were told, he'd get really pissy. Stomp around, angrily knock back whiskey/beer, go very very quiet and seethe until someone asked him what was wrong and then snap/shout. Sometimes he would break things (like plates) or storm off driving erratically in the car and disappear for hours on end. Then once he decided he wasn't annoyed anymore, he'd be all over the top emotional/wanting to hug/going misty eyed as he waxed lyrical about how family is the most important thing. It was a great relief when he fucked off a few years later.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 21/05/2020 19:30

He ranges between being very caring and supportive to getting snappy and irritated. Never really does an intermediate.

Erm... most abusive people are like that. How do you think abusers get away with the abuse? Yes, by being charming and caring at other times.

Some people with very high self esteem can survive such a character provided the nastiness doesn’t run deep but if it is already making you feel inadequate run before he convinces you you will never find anyone who could give you a better relationship than him.

pumpkinpie01 · 21/05/2020 19:31

It's horrible , my ex was like that. I could only ask him one question about something then I would get snapped at after that. Gets to the stage where you just don't bother communicating as you know they will just be arsey so of course the relationship breaks down.

BlueBooby · 21/05/2020 19:48

I live with someone like this and have done for over 10 years. He rarely snaps over the housework but he does about other things. Unless he's out of the house I never feel truly able to relax. I'm jumpy and nervous quite often. It can be upsetting and confusing too. I might say something I think is perfectly ordinary and reasonable and get snapped at in return.

And now he does it to our five year old. If he's working or doing something on his phone and she asks him a question or asks for a drink etc, he will ignore her. She will ask again (and maybe again and again, because he's ignoring her and she is five years old), and then he will snap.

I'm more at the opposite end of the spectrum and very rarely lose my cool, though it does happen occasionally. I think occasionally is ok though. But all the time, and never knowing what might set it off is an absolute nightmare to live with.

And they're always worse when you move in and they further worsen with every further binding (engaged, married, pregnant, children).

I think this is true. I can't say for all as I moved in with him very quickly to get away from home, and we never got married, but things definitely got worse after our dd was born. And my unqualified opinion is that having a bad temper like this, is part of a controlling personality. It works because if you want an easy life and don't want to be shouted at, you will start modifying your behaviour to fit in line with what the angry person wants. It's not a way to live and if it's something you can get away from, then do.

pumpkinpie01 · 21/05/2020 19:59

@BlueBooby are you not able to start afresh with your child ? Its really not healthy for them to be around someone who acts like that , it's not fair on them. Honestly life is too short please have a think , people like that don't change.