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How to leave a mentally abusive relationship?

41 replies

Nursing2029 · 17/05/2020 08:32

Hi
This is an edited version of my relationship.
I am a divorced mum of 2 young children and have been in this relationship for 4 years. This was very close to the end of my marriage and I have not really been on my own.
Despite everything I still love this man.
He used to make a point of telling me when he chatted to attractive women, apart from that all was good for a year. After that I found he would snap at little things and offer me no comfort or support if I was upset about anything.
I found a lot of porn on his phone which he denied.
Found explicit phrases on his phone that must have been sent somewhere.
He has grabbed me a few times causing bruising once.
Everytime I think things are better the smallest things push him over the edge.
A couple of examples are ..I noticed his message notifications were off on his phone and just asked why because they never have been and it turned into a 3 hour argument. I only asked in the passing.
Last night I asked him to fast forward a part of the Eurovision thing on tv and he sniped back that things have to be my way etc. Ending in a two hour argument.
Anytime I have an opinion on anything it's because I hate that person allegedly and anytime I have a small moan or gripe he says I have a problem with authority.
I have never encountered anyone like this in my life as in someone playing with my emotions like this.
I always feel like I need closure before it ends but I am not sure that is possible.

OP posts:
SonEtLumiere · 17/05/2020 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

houseplantlover · 17/05/2020 08:38

You don't have to put up with this. Call women's aid ASAP for advice. Does he live with you?

Nursing2029 · 17/05/2020 08:42

Hi we dont live together or have financial ties. Everytime it finishes I panic and we get back together.

OP posts:
Nursing2029 · 17/05/2020 08:43

Hi
No we dont live together I keep thinking I am overreacting and that these things don't mean anything.

OP posts:
Kpo58 · 17/05/2020 08:51

What is stopping you from telling him that the relationship is over and then blocking his number/defriending him from social media?

Having several hours arguments over the most minor of things isn't healthy for a relationship.

Nursing2029 · 17/05/2020 08:56

Fear of feeling unhappy. Fear of losing him. I always seem to go back. It's not a nice place to be :(

OP posts:
Gilead · 17/05/2020 09:23

It’s not nice being with him either. You will be teaching your children that this treatment of women is acceptable, it isn’t.
It’s hard to be tough, I let my abusive bastard back more than once too. But in the end I did it and I now have a lovely, peaceful stress free life.

Nursing2029 · 17/05/2020 09:24

@Gilead
Thanks for your honesty.
What finally made you leave?

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Nursing2029 · 17/05/2020 09:26

@Kpo58
Fear of feeling unhappy. Fear of losing him. I always seem to go back. It's not a nice place to be

OP posts:
Gilead · 17/05/2020 09:29

My teenage girl were being affected and I couldn’t cope with treading on eggshells any more. It wasn’t easy, and I had to stop myself asking him back more than once, but we sat there on Christmas Day, four months down the line and realised nobody was on edge, worrying about saying the wrong thing or giving the wrong look. Nobody was waiting for an eruption. It was wonderful.

Nursing2029 · 17/05/2020 09:31

@SonEtLumiere

Hi we dont live together or have financial ties. Everytime it finishes I panic and we get back together.

OP posts:
Nursing2029 · 17/05/2020 09:34

@houseplantlover

No we dont live together I keep thinking I am overreacting and that these things don't mean anything.

OP posts:
copperoliver · 17/05/2020 10:03

Your unhappy with him, I'd rather be unhappy for a bit on my own than mentally and physically abused.
End your relationship stay on your own with your kids for a bit and concentrate on yourself, if you don't love yourself you will always settle for rubbish relationships. X

Nursing2029 · 17/05/2020 10:03

@Gilead
Thanks for your honesty.
I have a permanent tension in my shoulders because of him. I get sucked back in when things are ok, not good just ok.
I feel like the change will be too much but realise this is torture.

OP posts:
Gilead · 17/05/2020 10:04

They mean he is seeing other people and he wants you to know about it.
They mean he wants control over your life.
They mean he is an arse that is using you.
Let him go, don't let him back.
Being on your own is actually doable and really pleasant.
Not living in fear of the next row is bloody wonderful.

Nursing2029 · 17/05/2020 10:05

@copperoliver
Thanks for your reply.
I really appreciate this advice. I feel like I am stuck in a horrible routine and don't recognise myself if I am honest. Xx

OP posts:
SonEtLumiere · 17/05/2020 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nursing2029 · 17/05/2020 10:08

@Gilead
Thank you so so much. I am so glad I wrote this.
I kept thinking I was over reacting and it was me.
I can't understand why any man would do this. Xxx

OP posts:
Nursing2029 · 17/05/2020 10:10

@SonEtLumiere
Just being on my own with no kids when they are at their dads. It's an anxiety that comes over me, even when I know I need out of this. I think the change in routine scares me x

OP posts:
SonEtLumiere · 17/05/2020 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

copperoliver · 17/05/2020 10:22

Try to be strong for yourself and your children and leave, in a few months time you will be so happy without him you will wonder why you ever stayed. X

Mabelface · 17/05/2020 10:24

Just end it. It'll only get worse and lockdown is a good time to do it as you can't see each other anyway. Those bruises from grabbing will end up bruises from punching.

Nursing2029 · 17/05/2020 10:43

@SonEtLumiere
Thanks, little plans like this are what I need.
I suffered from anxiety and depression as a result of this relationship. Thanks so much for your reply, I will do this today xx

OP posts:
Nursing2029 · 17/05/2020 10:43

@copperoliver
Thanm you. Realising that this is as bad as I thought is helping me.
I really appreciate it xx

OP posts:
Nursing2029 · 17/05/2020 10:45

@Mabelface
I believe you and it has come close.
I have a real fear no one will believe me. He is so nice to everyone one else - comedian and gentleman. X

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