How to leave a mentally abusive relationship?

[Nursing2029]

Hi
This is an edited version of my relationship.
I am a divorced mum of 2 young children and have been in this relationship for 4 years. This was very close to the end of my marriage and I have not really been on my own.
Despite everything I still love this man.
He used to make a point of telling me when he chatted to attractive women, apart from that all was good for a year. After that I found he would snap at little things and offer me no comfort or support if I was upset about anything.
I found a lot of porn on his phone which he denied.
Found explicit phrases on his phone that must have been sent somewhere.
He has grabbed me a few times causing bruising once.
Everytime I think things are better the smallest things push him over the edge.
A couple of examples are ..I noticed his message notifications were off on his phone and just asked why because they never have been and it turned into a 3 hour argument. I only asked in the passing.
Last night I asked him to fast forward a part of the Eurovision thing on tv and he sniped back that things have to be my way etc. Ending in a two hour argument.
Anytime I have an opinion on anything it's because I hate that person allegedly and anytime I have a small moan or gripe he says I have a problem with authority.
I have never encountered anyone like this in my life as in someone playing with my emotions like this.
I always feel like I need closure before it ends but I am not sure that is possible.

I thought no one would believe me. In fact the police were bloody wonderful. (A rarity, I know).
He's on the Clare's Law list now.

@Gilead
Thanks for being so honest, must be difficult to talk about.
I keep thinking it's me and I am over thinking x

Sending lots of hugs. Stay strong. X

Youre not overthinking. Read your op again. If a friend told you all those things what would you say to her.

You deserve better. You deserve happiness.

I think you might benefit from actively planning what to do with your weekend. So maybe start a bullet journal (gives lots of people a structure), book an activity (yoga? Parkrun? Class? Event or concert?) of some sort to get you out of the house - I know there arent many options for that right now. Maybe see a friend for your daily walk? Start small projects, home improvements, or meal planning and prep.

Does any of that sound reasonable and doable?

@copperoliver
Thank you so much xxx

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale
Thank you. I would tell my friend to leave. The worry is that is just the tip of the iceberg.
I am at the stage where I dont feel like me.
Your suggestions are really really helpful and i appreciate it a lot xx

It's always scary when you change the status quo. I think you are thinking that 'it's better the devil you know...' but you don't have to know a devil. You can be alone and thereby leave yourself open to meeting a veritable god!

Maybe think of some things that you would love to do or try - even if it's just meeting a friend for coffee or baking yourself a big gooey cake - and plan to do those things on the days that you are alone. Being on your own is nothing to be afraid of, it's just something you haven't got used to yet.

@zaphodsotherhead
That made me smile:) especially the cake bit.
I am so used to this situation and thinking it's normal, he has made me think it's all my fault.
Everytime I get stronger it's like he senses it.
Thank you for this, it's really helpful and things I wouldn't even think of xx

Op l felt so sad reading your post, you and your dcs deserve better, please up your standards and get rid of him..

A partner should Lift you up, make you feel comforted and supported.

He drags you down....deliberately, it will never really change.

I am sure you can do this if you make lots of plans for what to do when you are feeling anxious as pp said.

think back to what you used to enjoy pre Dcs.....can you make a plan of say 10 easy things to do when dcs are not with you:?

Even as simple as, ring x friend one morning to lift your spirits, have a long bath, read a favourite book, call y friend in the evening to avoid feeling lonely...there must be hundreds of things you used to enjoy or wanted to try or learn when you didn't have a family to take care of, well now is the time,......

Make a huge ME poster of all the things you will do and once you have told him it is over, put it on your bedroom wall and start.....!

@dragongirl10
Thanks so much for taking the time to write your reply.
I feel a bit ashamed of myself putting up with this.
I always feel its easier to get on with it than deal with it and I know that's not right.
I joined mumsnet yesterday so I could ge let support and these messages have been really uplifting and helpful.
Thank you so so much. Xx

@Dragongirl10
Thanks so much for taking the time to write your reply.
I feel a bit ashamed of myself putting up with this.
I always feel its easier to get on with it than deal with it and I know that's not right.
I joined mumsnet yesterday so I could ge let support and these messages have been really uplifting and helpful.
Before him I had my marriage I have never been on my own :(
Thank you so so much. Xx

@Zaphodsotherhead
That made me smileespecially the cake bit.
I am so used to this situation and thinking it's normal, he has made me think it's all my fault.
Everytime I get stronger it's like he senses it.
Thank you for this, it's really helpful and things I wouldn't even think of xx

Op re never having been on your own....believe me it can be so great, l lived alone from 21 until 32 when l met my dh and they were the best years!
You arrange your home to suit you and your children, arrange your social life exactly as you want, chohose when and if to go out and with whom.....honestly there is so little stresss being out of a relationship, it really is nothing to be scared of. Plus you have your Dcs most of the time ....

He has taken you over and it is to your detriment, splittiing is like breaking a really bad habit, you think it will be hard and awful but very quickly you realise that you feel so much better.

Please, please stop doubting yourself, who said he is right and you wrong, ?
More to the point why bother with someone who doesn't consistantly bring love and happiness, isn't that the whole point of a partner?

Choose peace at home, not this...

@Dragongirl10
That all sounds amazing and its something I need.
I cant even remember the last time I sat down an enjoyed a film that I like.
I think it's just always the way he made me feel, at the start I always apologised if we argued he always made me feel guilty.
Recently when he grabbed my arm its because I pushed his buttons. His words.
He is very charming when he wants to be and it's easy forget what has happened.
I recently got offered a conditional offer for university and he has been worse since then.
Thanks for your message xx

Please don’t keep putting up with him belittling you. Leave and start enjoying life, you can do this

@Dragongirl10
Thanks so much for your support. It means a lot xx