Needy, immature mother-in-law. Help!

[Princessmumma30]

Not quite sure where to start!
I have been married for 6 years, together with DH for 10 in total. Everything was fine with his family until we got married and had our first child 5 years ago. My mil has always been very difficult to the point where i dread seeing her sometimes. DH's parents don't really like mine for some reason and his mother has always had a problem with my mother since they both became grandparents. It's like it's a competition for my mil. She has to buy the my children the most gifts, has to see them more, gets jealous if the children spend time with my family etc. She's incredibly emotionally immature and has to have her way often otherwise it's hell to be around her. She does have lovely ways about her but then they're overshadowed by her complete child like thinking and jealous behaviour. If my parents are mentioned to her she doesn't say anything and tries to change the subject. If the kids have a sleepover at my parents house and she finds out they then have to have a sleepover at her house. If we go on holiday with my family we then have to go on holiday with my in laws. If we go on a day out with my parents we then have to plan a day out with mil and fil. It's like we can't do a single thing with my family unless we do the same thing with DH's parents. It drives me insane. Don't get me wrong, mil is a great nanny and loves the kids to the moon and back but she gets very possessive over the grandkids. My sil (DH's sister) once said to me that her mum often likes to think she's the only grandmother. Apparently it's just the way she is. Sil knows what her mum can be like and often stands up for me when issues arise. My DH, on the other hand, can pander to his mum. Sometimes he will speak up but not a lot.
Anyway, we were talking yesterday and decided that we should go take the kids to see my parents for the first time in 7 weeks (keeping to social distancing rules the whole time as they have a big garden and the kids can play safely away from parents) and we will sit on opposite sides of the garden etc. We just thought we needed to get out of the house and see some family making sure we're safe at the same time. DH was on a video call to his parents last night (again) and our daughter suddenly says to mil "we're going to see other nanny tomorrow, I'm so excited!" I literally put my face in my hands and immediately knew that this would be a massive issue. My mil, not surprisingly, didn't really say anything and DH immediately said to her that we we would pop round to see them Sunday to keep her sweet, as long as nobody else was there in order to social distance 🙄. It's actually pathetic that we have to do this to keep her from having a hissy fit the whole time and quite frankly, exhausting. My parents don't get much of a look in when it comes to the grandkids as they both still work full time (both own their own businesses) but would love to see the kids more whereas my in laws only work part time and have the kids when I work (me part time, DH full time). Mil also is always asking to have the kids to stay which is okay but it's so possessive!
At the beginning of this year we went on a ski holiday with my parents as they have a place in the alps. We always look foward to this holiday but my mil got funny about it because we had to take dc away during half term this year as dd is in reception year at school. Mil had it in her head that she wanted to take the kids to soft play and got fed up because we wouldn't be around for her to do this. She even said to me one day " well, I did want to take the kids to soft play during half term but you're on holiday so that fucks that up". Erm, excuse me?? Sorry that we want to take the kids on holiday without you. She was only moaning because we were going to be away with my parents and she hated the thought. Basically, me and DH (especially me) feel like we're always trying to please everyone else on the family to 'make it fair'. It's really getting to me. Or, should i say, mil is really getting to me and I just want her to grow up and realise that there are other grandparents who love the children just as much as she does. She's even got fil to call me to find out if we've seen my family at all.
DH family has a WhatsApp group going at the moment as they are a VERY close family and my sil made a joke on the group asking if i had had enough of DH during lockdown and was moving down to my parents. I jokingly replied and said that i was close to it. About an hour later my fil calls us and asks DH if we're going to stay with my parents for the duration of lockdown and, if we are, then that would be really unfair to him and mil. Seriously? It was a joke. Even DH was like, "what the hell, no dad. It was just a joke". This is the kind of crap i have to put up with.
Please tell me others have the same problem with their in laws.......

OP there is a subreddit that will help you out: JustNoMIL

You won’t get the unhelpful judgemental comments you get on here like “oh you should be glad you have two sets of grandparents to help you out”. What? That doesn’t make sense! Can I extrapolate that to “you should be glad you have both parents alive even though they abused you”? Crap logic.

Ultimately you have a DH problem. His priority should be you, not placating his mother.

And clearly you’re not a monster OP, it’s possible to try to be the best DIL whilst also being pissed off.

@Princessmumma30 I think a number of people commenting lack comprehension and aren't actually reading what you've written. Or they've made up their minds you're in the wrong before they've even read your OP because you're the evil DiL.

I’d find this exhausting too and have witnessed little glimpses of competitiveness from my MIL with my Mum, thankfully though both DH and I are able to lay boundaries (with both!).

It shouldn’t be down to you to facilitate visits with both sets of grandparents, but in this instance, with both not seeing your DC for such a long time I do think a visit to MIL is fair. Any chance you can say to your DH, “I’ll let you take the lead on visit to MIL with the kids and I’ll stay home and get some jobs done”? Or something to that effect?

My Mum and Step Dad managed to get us a caravan holiday last year, nothing major as we’re on a tight budget, but the break was lovely. MIL got a bit stroppy and demanded I go to stay at her house for a week with my toddler twins.... I was shocked and thankfully DH stepped in and said that it wasn’t going to happen, we didn’t even stay with my Mum on holiday, we had the caravan to ourselves and saw my Mum once or twice whilst there, the rest of the time she left us to it.

Thing is I do actually like my MIL (there were a few teething issues so to speak at the beginning) but her need to have everything the same grates on me sometimes! Your DH needs to start backing you up, if her own daughter gets it, he should too!

You know the problem? It’s that you overshare. Stop telling her what you’re doing with your parents because then she won’t have anything to compare against.

YOur MIL sounds annoying. But it also sounds like you don't like her and would rather "her" time was mostly the time she does childcare vs "family time" and "fun time". I imagine that she enjoys spending time with the grandchildren at the same time as her son and DIL. That is not the same as having the kids on a normal day or doing the school pick up.

I can see she's needy. But I can also hear how much you don't like her and she can probably feel that too.

@ILoveYou3000 @WiseOwl69 @NaviSprite
Thank you ladies. I am quite shocked at the comments I've had on here. It's difficult to put into words what the situation is without people actually being there and witnessing it. We were intending to see mil and fil at some point during the week but because we thought about seeing my family (all the while keeping a safe distance) and dd told mil over video chat we then had to pander and say that we'd do the same the day after with her. She did her usual and went all quiet when our dd said "I'm going to see other nanny tomorrow". I can understand why she would feel a bit put out but to make it blatant enough that she is visibly pissed off over video chat is unacceptable in my opinion. As I've said before, they have made the decision to come to our house twice during lockdown for pointless reasons like to look at our new fencing and I've then had to keep our two small children away from them. So she has seen them multiple times. Like i said, it's the sulking and behaving like a petulant child when she's not involved in things that gets to me.

@BlingLoving there are feelings of resentment towards her on my part which i won't go in to on here. I fully accept that. I try my best with her despite those feelings but sometimes it's hard to not feel like i want to shout at her to go away when she gaslights me etc. She's a very difficult person to talk to about anything really if it's not about her. If she's angry about something then she makes it clear and won't talk to you or engage in any way. My DH has the same traits unfortunately.

It’s exhausting!

We genuinely couldn’t have a normal conversation...we’d obviously ask them what they’d been up to...they’d ask us, and if we had, for example, been for a night out, she would snap: “Who had the children?” (Obviously it was my parents)...and that would be it. Physical disgust on her face, sulking, no interest in what we did on our evening off. Conversation over. Distinct atmosphere. It was unbearable. She looked after the children as much as my parents if we had a night out, but she just couldn’t see it. It was bizarre. We saw them every single week as a family too. It was never enough.

I hope you can sort it out. Have you tried speaking to her about it? I told my MIL I desperately wanted it all to work & tried to empathise & reassure her (I never envisaged this situation, I love spending time with family on both sides)...as per my previous post, obviously in our case it didn’t work out, but hopefully it can for you. X

I get it OP it’s exhausting trying to keep everyone involved. ILs quite happy to ignore you until DC arrive and then it’s all about MY GRANDCHILDREN and totally forgetting there are other members of the family who would like to see DC.

Your DH has the same traits? Oh dear. You need to find your inner warrior quick. Do not be afraid of people being cross with you (or at least don't show it). Time for you to become the new matriarch that everyone bows down to. MIL and DH will understand the new pecking order. You have to bare your teeth and establish it against their resistance though.

As @Cherrysoup has said, the problem is that your ILs know far too much about your lives.

They don't need to know about your new fencing, your holiday plans in the Alps, the dinner you are having with your parents, the sleepovers, in fact anything at all except the nice time you are having WITH THEM.

Both you and DH need to practice some non-committal answers and a lot of talk about the weather. Yes, the children might give out some info about how they saw other Granny but the info they have about your lives will be far less and so the competition will wane. If you encourage talk about what they are doing at school, clubs, who their friends are the time will fill up and there will be far less space for evil Granny PrincessMum got to see the new fencing first.

I feel sorry for you OP, I've created a MIL thread before and got crucified for it by the braying mobs who seem to take out their own DIL issues on here.

Your MIL sounds like very hard work and I don't see why you are doing all of the organising to facilitate contact with DHs family. Of course you will be closer to your own family- they are your parents! MIL seems to be missing the point that you probably want to spent tike with your own family (as parents and daughter) and that as a part of that your children will naturally come along.

Simple solution- let your DH organise family time with his side of the family. If MIL wants to know why there isn't a family holiday booked for their side too it's because your DH hasn't organised one.

I used to stress about missing PILs birthdays and not sending cards etc until I realised that PILs family just don't put the same sentimentality on receiving a card with a nice message in that my family do. So I told DH that he was now in charge of arranging contact,birthdays and christmases for his family etc. Since I did that he has been much more proactive in arranging things and the ILs can never complain to me because it is their DS who has arranged it.

@WeveGottaGetTherouxThis your mil did or does exactly the same as mine. The sulky face, the silence and one word answers, the wanting to know who had the children. It is horribly depressing. Plus we have a 5 year old who can't keep anything to herself and so tells everyone what we're doing 😂. I know I've got to put my big girls knickers on but i hate confrontation and arguing which is what would happen if i put my foot down. They are incredibly difficult people in general, my inlaws.

@EndothermicHands 🙌
Thanks for your reply. I really didn't think i would be ripped apart like that. I don't understand why they say something really negative and nasty on here and then when you reply to them they go quiet. Whenever I've commented on someone's thread on here I've tried to be as supportive and sincere as possible. If i didn't know what to say or couldn't give a helpful answer then i just wouldn't comment.
I do appreciate all the lovely ladies on here who have commented with words of encouragement, support or just that they are in the same position.

i hate confrontation and arguing
Understandable.
which is what would happen if i put my foot down
Only if you allow it.

It takes two to argument. A confrontation needs two participants. You can choose to blank it. Ignore it. No argument. You do a thing. It is done. Words wash over you like they aren't even there. You might walk off or hang up because you are not interested in arguing. There is no point in argument or confrontation. There was a decision that was your decision and you made the decision and you are not open to changing your decision.

What would Tony Soprano do? Would he have a big argument? Nope. He might shrug as he ignores you. Channel that.

Also that character in The Mandalorian who is a meme now. That's you from here on.

@TorkTorkBam
Haha, thanks. I know I've got to be stronger when it comes to my in laws. Good advice though so thank you. X

Allowing other people to be pissed off with you and doing nothing whatsoever about it is an important life skill.

People who grew up with violent or aggressive parents often do not have this skill. As a child they knew their survival depended on reading and reacting to every twitch, every slight edge to a word.

Letting someone stew and leaving them find their own way to live with the world is a skill.

Some call it the art of giving no fucks. I think of it more as being respectful of other people as intelligent independent adults who don't need me to teach them to think and who don't have to agree with me.

We approached it in a really calm way, hoping that it would allow us to resolve it. If you go in with the attitude that you want it to improve (if that is what you want) and have total conviction in what you say, it should go well. Explain that it’s making it hard for you to have a good relationship. It definitely doesn’t have to be confrontational. If she makes it confrontational, then that’s hard, but I truly believe that you can keep your cool as it’s in your best interests for it to improve, as opposed to the current situation of what is being on the receiving end of childish emotional abuse.

1. Your husband is a BIG part of this problem.

1. You need to start pulling out the big guns.

If she's angry about something then she makes it clear and won't talk to you or engage in any way

'MIL, I'm really not ok with you ignoring me like this. I know exactly why you're doing it, it's because we spent yesterday with my parents. I'm beginning to think the only way to solve this is to make sure you spend EXACTLY the same amount of time with the children as they do, so, first thing, we're going to have to stop the childminding you do because my parents don't get the same opportunity. How does that sound?'

'Yes we're going on holiday so that MY parents get some quality time with the children, like you do EVERY SINGLE WEEK and have done all through their babyhoods when you didn't want me to even send DD to nursery to prepare for school properly for YOUR sake!'

'MIL if you're going to act like this every time you think my parents are seeing more of the kids, I am going to start keeping a chart. And the result of it will be that you see us MUCH less because right now, you make damn sure that you see more of them.'

OP this would drive me mad I have a lot of sympathy for you. I wouldn’t be as nice as you are though I would not let her see the kids at all until she grows up. They are not her children they are her grandchildren and she is lucky she sees so much of them. It really is bad if you are frightened to tell the in laws your plans because of how they may react. Your DH won’t tell them so you need to. Good luck!

@EndothermicHands
@TorkTorkBam
@Fizzy

Great advice above.

It sounds so exhausting.

I would hate for my children to be treated like som commodity to be argued over.

I really thing @Endo suggestion that you formally hand over everything to do with arrangements with your inlaws to your husband could give you a break from it.

Does seem to me though by the childcare being provided you are massively under compliment to your in laws.

Very difficult when you are being oblidged by them.

Goid luck.

Your mil and actually fil (as he seems to be encouraging it) sound very entitled and possessive. Nobody should have to walk on eggs shells regarding who sees your children. Free childcare is not really free if you are using them while you work.
But I agree, with others o another point though, you shouldn't be going your parents garden to social distance...won't the kids want to hug them? There's a reason why we are only meant to meet one to one at the moment. I would love to visit mine and DH family in their garden but it's not allowed for the moment.

These are your children and not possession where everyone must have an exact equal share of them! If she bitches about you taking them on holiday remind her whose children they actually are ‘yes Mil we are taking OUR children on a FAMILY holiday! Why does that bother you?’

@PinkSpring exercise is not unlimited in the UK, just England. Scotland for example is restricted to two periods of exercise per day outside of the home and still have all the same previous restrictions in place. Please do not be one of the people who thinks UK=England. There are 3 other countries with different rulings.

@Likethebattle - to be fair I didn't mean to write UK - I was rushing this morning. I am well aware the UK is not just England - for now anyway

I do wonder if all this will split the UK, Scotland might get the independence they apparently so badly want. Seems odd we aren't all doing g the same re lockdown but this isn't the thread for that