Needy, immature mother-in-law. Help!

[Princessmumma30]

Not quite sure where to start!
I have been married for 6 years, together with DH for 10 in total. Everything was fine with his family until we got married and had our first child 5 years ago. My mil has always been very difficult to the point where i dread seeing her sometimes. DH's parents don't really like mine for some reason and his mother has always had a problem with my mother since they both became grandparents. It's like it's a competition for my mil. She has to buy the my children the most gifts, has to see them more, gets jealous if the children spend time with my family etc. She's incredibly emotionally immature and has to have her way often otherwise it's hell to be around her. She does have lovely ways about her but then they're overshadowed by her complete child like thinking and jealous behaviour. If my parents are mentioned to her she doesn't say anything and tries to change the subject. If the kids have a sleepover at my parents house and she finds out they then have to have a sleepover at her house. If we go on holiday with my family we then have to go on holiday with my in laws. If we go on a day out with my parents we then have to plan a day out with mil and fil. It's like we can't do a single thing with my family unless we do the same thing with DH's parents. It drives me insane. Don't get me wrong, mil is a great nanny and loves the kids to the moon and back but she gets very possessive over the grandkids. My sil (DH's sister) once said to me that her mum often likes to think she's the only grandmother. Apparently it's just the way she is. Sil knows what her mum can be like and often stands up for me when issues arise. My DH, on the other hand, can pander to his mum. Sometimes he will speak up but not a lot.
Anyway, we were talking yesterday and decided that we should go take the kids to see my parents for the first time in 7 weeks (keeping to social distancing rules the whole time as they have a big garden and the kids can play safely away from parents) and we will sit on opposite sides of the garden etc. We just thought we needed to get out of the house and see some family making sure we're safe at the same time. DH was on a video call to his parents last night (again) and our daughter suddenly says to mil "we're going to see other nanny tomorrow, I'm so excited!" I literally put my face in my hands and immediately knew that this would be a massive issue. My mil, not surprisingly, didn't really say anything and DH immediately said to her that we we would pop round to see them Sunday to keep her sweet, as long as nobody else was there in order to social distance 🙄. It's actually pathetic that we have to do this to keep her from having a hissy fit the whole time and quite frankly, exhausting. My parents don't get much of a look in when it comes to the grandkids as they both still work full time (both own their own businesses) but would love to see the kids more whereas my in laws only work part time and have the kids when I work (me part time, DH full time). Mil also is always asking to have the kids to stay which is okay but it's so possessive!
At the beginning of this year we went on a ski holiday with my parents as they have a place in the alps. We always look foward to this holiday but my mil got funny about it because we had to take dc away during half term this year as dd is in reception year at school. Mil had it in her head that she wanted to take the kids to soft play and got fed up because we wouldn't be around for her to do this. She even said to me one day " well, I did want to take the kids to soft play during half term but you're on holiday so that fucks that up". Erm, excuse me?? Sorry that we want to take the kids on holiday without you. She was only moaning because we were going to be away with my parents and she hated the thought. Basically, me and DH (especially me) feel like we're always trying to please everyone else on the family to 'make it fair'. It's really getting to me. Or, should i say, mil is really getting to me and I just want her to grow up and realise that there are other grandparents who love the children just as much as she does. She's even got fil to call me to find out if we've seen my family at all.
DH family has a WhatsApp group going at the moment as they are a VERY close family and my sil made a joke on the group asking if i had had enough of DH during lockdown and was moving down to my parents. I jokingly replied and said that i was close to it. About an hour later my fil calls us and asks DH if we're going to stay with my parents for the duration of lockdown and, if we are, then that would be really unfair to him and mil. Seriously? It was a joke. Even DH was like, "what the hell, no dad. It was just a joke". This is the kind of crap i have to put up with.
Please tell me others have the same problem with their in laws.......

@PinkSpring @Chloemol
Thank you! I didn't come on here to get lectured about social distancing. Considering what other people have been getting up to during lockdown i think we've been good in keeping indoors for the last 2 months. We're not idiots and we know that none of us can get close to each other, we just wanted to go to another family members house and basically wave to then from the opposite end of the garden. I'd rather do that than go to a public place and try and keep my kids fron running off, getting too close to others etc.
@LizzieSiddal my in laws popped round last week to look at our new fencing in our garden and then decided to have a nice old drink on our decking a the while i was trying to keep the kids away from them. That's the second time they've done that since lockdown began. They are the ones who are not adhering to the rules because they MUST see us. Nodody else has stepped into our house apart from them and my DH is too much of a mummys boy to say no. So it all falls on me to be the bad guy? And yes, my mil does have the kids a lot, i always make sure she is included, i ask if she would like to have the kids for a sleepover etc. I think i am a fair dil to her, she just pushes it and i get fed up with it at times.

I also feel a bit sorry for MIL.
If she didn't make plans and keep asking, would you even bother with her seeing the kids unless you wanted a babysitter?
This seems to be a pattern with many womens inlaws, they favour their own mother and the Dh's mother is an extra for when needed.
I can see how it makes them pretty paranoid and shoved out.

She sounds a lot like my FIL. I know he means well but the completion drives me insane and puts me off spending time with them. I also seem to end up being the bad guy when, in reality, it's my DH who can't be bothered to make arrangements to see his family. I just don't engage now and ignore the guilt trips.

You what?! So she's fine to look after your kids when you're working (meaning that she knows them well and sees them often) but she's meant to be completely fine with the fact that you're willing to break the social distancing rules for your mother, but not for her?

If you dislike her that much, find alternative childcare. You're bitching about someone who's doing you a massive favour.

Oh my goodness, I could have written this, OP!! I cannot believe the similarities. Petulant sulking if she finds out my children have seen my family etc. She has other awful qualities too and things got so bad, that we are currently estranged. It’s awful, but we spoke to her so many times to try and reassure her & explained that she was putting a massive strain on our relationship, but she just couldn’t control herself. Like I said, this was just one behaviour of many that lead to us going no contact, but you have my full sympathy. X

@AudaCityLimits
Sorry, but did you not just read what I put in my last comment? You're having a rant at me when my in laws are so needy that they've broken lockdown rules twice just because they needed to see us and can't stay the fuck away. My mil sees the kids plenty and i am always offering for her yo have them over for the night because she likes it. What I'm not okay with is the constant sulking and moodiness when my family are involved like she's the only bloody grandparent in the whole gooddamn world. I like my mil a lot but i feel like she needs to grow up a bit. To have a phone call from inlaws asking what we're doing, if what we're doing is really fair to them blah blah. Went you can't even take a joke over WhatsApp (mentioned in my first comment post) then you've got a real problem.

@WeveGottaGetTherouxThis thank you! It's exhausting, isn't it?

Why is it the responsibility of the DiL to make arrangements to see her PiL? Surely that responsibility lays with the DH/son.

And it sounds like OP makes plenty of effort but it's not enough for her MiL, she constantly wants more as she wants to be number one granny. OP is entitled to make arrangements and to spend time with her own family. She quite possibly wants to see her parents and spend time with them. What's wrong with that? Why should her relationship with her own parents suffer to appease her MiL?

@WeveGottaGetTherouxThis
I've also had the silent treatment from her many times because of things she THINKS I've done behind her back. I've literally been ignored like I'm invisible before by her. Is everyone thinking this is ok behaviour from a women who should know better? If it is i appologise. She loves to give the silent treatment to me if she feels like I'm not doing enough for her with regards to the kids. She pulls this stunt all the time to make me feel bad. You all think this is normal??

@ILoveYou3000
Thank you 🙏

OPs post was about a relationship issue with her MIL, granted some examples were in the context of lockdown and we can all have our own opinions on this but that’s not what she was asking for.

OP - I too would find this very frustrating. Assuming that you don’t cut PIL out (it sounds like there is a proactive relationship to speak with them and at least agree to their requests even if you could possibly be more proactive in suggesting things) then you are not BU to find her overbearing and possessive.
Wanting something just because someone else has had it or having to run your life as a family to ensure fairness between two other adults is utterly unnecessary.
My mum lives a 5 minute drive away, my MIL lives 2 hours away. No matter how hard we try this is never going to be totally fair and equal. Not unless I start telling my mum she can’t see us to balance it back out. It’s life.

We’ve done things like set up a WhatsApp group with all the Grandparents in - they don’t proactively chat to one another but it’s where we post pics of our DD (only a little baby so a bit easier prob!) - this way they all get the same and at the same time.
During lockdown my parents have seen dd through the window during doorstep drops and so we made more FaceTime calls to mil.

If her comments are possessive and overbearing I’d simply ignore them where they are more harmless. Where they are downright rude “well I wanted to take them to soft play for fucks sake” I’d probably reply something like “crikey Sue, that’s a bit strong. We’re taking the children on a lovely holiday.” If she persists, or utilises FIL to ask the questions perhaps address it straight up - Bob and Sue, (or ideally mum and dad coming from your dh!) we love to see you and the children are so fortunate to spend time with you. We are concerned that you feel left out as there are frequently comments about fairness and any time spent with their other set of grandparents. Do you feel left out or are we worrying over nothing?
This way if they are genuinely worried or upset they can tell you and you can either reassure them or change your behaviour if they are being quite fair about it or manage their expectations if needed.

Don’t say no judgement then tell us you’re ignoring the advice. You shouldn’t be visiting anyone.

So she is good enough to provide ( presumably) free childcare but that’s it ??

@R2519 I’m not saying the mil shouldn’t have the kids for a sleepover at all. I’m saying if she’s kicking up a fuss because op’s mum had them for a sleepover and she’s then pandered to and a sleepover is arranged for her she is going to keep kicking up a fuss about every little thing that op’s mum does with the kids. Of course mil should be allowed to have them for a sleepover but not just in response to getting cross that the otter Granny has had one!

OP your post comes across as quite immature in some ways - not quite sure why your parents having their own businesses or a place in the Alps is relevant to your issue. If you come across this way online, I can see that your MIL may respond negatively as you seem to be making things a competition and she doesn't measure up well in your eyes, from what you've said.

Just take a grown up approach and plan some activities (post lockdown as you know you shouldn't be visiting but seem willing to ignore this, again an immature attitude) so that she feels you are including her in the lives of her grandchildren.

My mil was similar when I had my first dc. There has been conflict over the years but finally she (and dh most importantly) is starting to accept that things aren't always going to go her way. I've had to just stick to my guns and ignore her tantrums. DH now is better at putting 'our' point of view across and I often refer to things that are actually his idea - I know she thinks everything that we do that she doesn't like is down to me when most of the time it isn't!
We don't have a close relationship now but it's fine - a bit like being on a knife edge at times when I can pre empt the conflict but it's bearable. But in all honesty the biggest help was that the other dil who was golden girl and could do no wrong, left my bil. She's now back tracking on everything she used to try and get us to do that at the time was so great that we should do the same and has finally accepted that if nothing else we're happy as a family unit!

I feel quite sorry for your MIL. You plan lovely things with your parents, then get upset when MIL asks to be treated the same. All the while your MIL is the one rolling up her sleeves and providing childcare saving you £1,000s.

So your MIL sees your children at least 3 days a week taking care of them while you work. So she sees them more than they your parents and must be missing that routine yet you're taking them to see your parents and not her?

You sound very spoilt. 2 sets of grandparents wanting to take your children out for the day / overnight / on holiday. Most people don't have that.

@Celeriacacaca
I just mentioned certain things because they go along with what I'm trying to say. We have been on holidays with inlaws, we've done days out with them,, we've done all things that we think the inlaws would like. Btw, my mil asked to have the kids when i started back at work. If i had arranged a childminder instead I would have had a huge backlash from her. So no, I'm not taking advantage of her because she wants to look after the kids. I'm have told her many times that I'm grateful for her, I've gone to pick the kids up after work with a bunch of flowers or a bottle of wine for her to say thank you. When our dd started nursey my mil thought that we were basically stopping her from seeing dd and my DH had to say to her that it wasn't the case and that we just wanted her to start nursey to prepare her for school. My dd started at 2 days a week, then 3, then 4. My mil actually asked if we wouldn't send dd to nursey 4 times a week as she'd prefer to have her. Fair enough, but we were just trying to prepare dd for school. Now she's actually at school i now have to take dd to mil after school so that she can spend time with her. I do try my best.

my DH is too much of a mummys boy to say no

This is the root of your problem, right here.

Your H needs to grow a spine and set some boundaries in place. At the moment it's mixed messages - pulling them up on some things and then keeping quiet on others. To be fair to your ILs, if nobody is saying anything to them then they won't know that there's an issue.

@Minai
I think the problem is when reading OPs original post shs says 'if my parents have then Mil has to have them, if we go on holiday with my parents, we have to go on holiday with inlaws etc.'.....my take is quite simple......its clear you don't want to spend time with your MIL and dont want to go on holiday with her.

When my DC has children i would be heart broken if they spent lots more time with inlaws and went on holiday with them and not us. I'm fairly sure most people would be. Regardless of whether MIL is overbearing treating one set of grandparents more favourably when their only crime is to want to spend time with their grandchildren, is quite simply unfair and quite wrong.

I can’t understand mil’s who behave like this. Surely it is counter productive.

There have been times in the past when I’ve visited ds and there are no photos of me and dh with dgs but plenty of dil’s family, celebration cards have been forgotten.

But that’s because my ds just didn’t always think and it wasn’t up to his wife to think of his family all the time if he hadn’t bothered.
I will never blame my dil for not doing things that my ds is perfectly capable of sorting out himself.
He’s more thoughtful now and has recently made a photo board and is much better at sending cards.
Btw I have a very good relationship with my dil.

OP I say this with the kindest intentions- you need to either keep pandering to you MIL and things will never change. Or you get ready for the backlash and take back control of your family.
Stop her looking after the kids, you get to choose where, when and how often she sees the children. Only then will you have any hope of this women not dictating to you.
The problem isn’t your MIL it’s your and your DHs lack of enforcing boundaries. Think about you DC when they’re older, what a valuable lesson it is for them to learn that there parents know how to put boundaries in place.
Good luck, after being in a similar situation I know it’s not easy in the short term, but long term it gets much easier.

@Princessmumma30 I had a MIL like yours and it isn't much fun. Nobody ever stood up to her and what she says goes and always had. Her interference let her take and control her two grandchildren and she never let her daughter be a Mum to them. She caused the daughters divorce to get her hands on the very young children! Your MIL may not be this bad but it is causing you distress so you need to stop it in its tracks! If you don't your have many years of this to come. Don't dance to her tune and let her see the Grandchildren when you decide and not before. The more she tries to control you the more you need to put your foot down. Good luck. (I have no issues with you visiting your Mum and sitting in the garden)

@nicky7654
Thank you for your very last comment. Appreciated.
I think most people who have commented on my thread are painting me out to be an absolute bitch to my mil. I truly try to be the best person i can but there are times when i explode and just need a rant, like most people. I've already said that i appreciate her and have told her this many times and that i try and incorporate her and fil in family time. We were all meant to be going abroad this summer but that's not happening now, for obvious reasons. Not once did my parents say, "oh, we must go on a summer holiday with you now, seeing as you're going on one with the inlaws". They're not like that but my mil IS. As long as everything is going her way then it's okay. Yes I'm gutted that we're not going away with them this year as it would have been lovely. I'm not a monster. I'm just a dil who, sometimes, can't stand her mil and i just wanted a bit of a rant.