So fed up of the constant diet guilt

[GorgeousLadyofWrestling]

I used to be slim, fit and very happy with myself. Gradually over the course of getting older and having 3 children, I’ve gained so much weight. With each child, it was considerably harder to lose weight.

I’m in that stupid constant cycle of yo-yo dieting. And I do absolutely know better than that, but I am just so destructive when it comes to eating.

Last year I used MFP and just ate 1200 calories a day. Lost loads of weight. Then gained it all back.

Christmas, I started the Fast 800 - did 800 calories a day for a month and barely lost anything. I was still breastfeeding a little so maybe that contributed.

Since lockdown, I have been doing 30 minute kettle bell sessions, five times a week. Noticing a change to my figure slowly and it’s great - loving the feeling of being strong. But I know you can’t out train a bad diet and I keep thinking - get a handle on your eating. I’m not eating massive amounts - probably about 1700 a day. But I want to reduce so as to see results from the kettlebells. Then just guilt and self destructiveness when I go over.

DH is a personal trainer. He’s tried so many times to help me constructively. I intellectually and rationally understand all he tells me about healthy eating and training. But emotionally, I feel defeated by it. So sick of the guilt and the cycle of restricting and then going over.

I’m five foot two and about 80kgs. Would ideally like to go down to 60kg. When I did MFP I lost 12 kilos and I’m so annoyed I let it go back on. I don’t know how to change my thinking. So fed up of it.

Hmm. According to the first calculator I found on line, 2400 calories would maintain your weight... were you counting everything? I mean, even if that's overly generous, 1700 should be seeing you drop quite noticeably.

Anyway, the limitations of MFP's calorie counting aside:

stop thinking of a limit and start thinking about what you need. You need a certain amount of protein. You need some of the "good" fats (can't remember what they're called, it's all out there). You need 400-800 grammes of fruit and vegetables. You need three portions of whole grain. You need some dairy, or an alternative source of those nutrients. You even need some carbohydrate but you're vanishingly unlikely not to get enough.

By the time you've done all that you've got your diet.

I can recommend naked salad. I know it sounds dreary, but it's possible to learn to love the taste and texture of chopped lettuce, tomato, cucumber and celery. During the winter I add a pickled onion and recently it's been lovage or rocket from the garden.

Fizzy water with a touch of lemon juice is a good alternative to coke etc.

I could have written your post!
Feeling very much the same at the moment, just wondering whether I just accept that I will never be slim again so as to escape all the bad feelings around food and exercise.

What I tend to do is restrict massively throughout the day, then binge in the evening. Very emotionally attached to that evening “treat”.

When I did MFP I tracked absolutely everything and was so disciplined. But also kind of cheated. So restricted in the day to have allowed calories in the evening.

So no breakfast, just coffee.
Lunch - vegetable omelette or a soup that’s around 200 cals. A yoghurt or fruit to add up to another 150 ish calories.

Then dinner of chicken salad with low fat mayo. Then my treat. Lost lots of weight.

Now, at the moment, I’m trying to do that but snacking loads in the day. Keeping a basic track of input and keep trying to “allow” myself 1400. It’s not the lack of understanding. It’s the cycle of restricting and binging. So sick of myself.

No hidden calories, as it were. Just drink plain fizzy water and barely drink alcohol because I’ve been breastfeeding so so long, I don’t even think about it.

Chocolate rice cakes at 90 cals a go are my weakness.

Made a gorgeously cheesy lasagne for the family for dinner. I won’t eat this. I’ll have chicken salad or something. When I make a curry, I don’t have rice. I restrict, restrict, restrict then binge. Similar to @iamaswashbuckler, wondering i should accept I will never be slim again.

I don't know if this would work for you, but I lost weight by just eating 3 meals and no snacks. I have a terribly sweet tooth and it was hard for a couple of weeks not to have any cake, biscuits, chocolate etc BUT after a while I genuinely got used to not having it and didn't miss.it.

I tried to keep the other meals relatively healthy, but would still sometimes have homemade pizza or bbq etc. I was thinking about healthy eating and food, but no calorie counting and therefore I didn't become obsessed with it. Maybe it would help you avoid the yoyo pattern?

I've just read your latest post. See, I still eat carbs and would definitely have the lasagne. I think you should have meals you enjoy, but just cut out everything else - the 'junk' and snacks.

That’s exactly what I keep thinking I need to do, Gymsloth. But just getting to actually doing it ...I keep reverting back to the destructive pattern. That’s the real problem I have.

It is a very disordered way of eating and so destructive. I just want to enjoy food without the guilt and also to feel healthy. There is much more to it than what you actually eat in my opinion which is what makes it so hard.

Do you tend to count your calories by day, week, or month?

I was similar with the restriction and binging and then feeling so bad about the binge I'd give up altogether. What helped me was seeing the calories like a budget spread out over weeks and months - if I overspend one day it's ok as long as over the week I have an overall deficit. I think you can see weekly and monthly views on MyFitnessPal.

Also eat proper meals and spread the calories throughout the day. That's the best and healthiest way to manage. Restriction never goes anywhere good so why bother?

Get back on MyFitnessPal and start just logging what you are eating so you have a good idea of what's actually going in.

Best of luck!

I’m also 5 foot 2 and am currently about 75kg (just had to work out what that was from pounds!) I’m currently following an online fat loss programme and am given an ‘allowance’ of 1700 calories per day. If I make sensible choices I can eat plenty of food within that - especially if I eat it all as food and don’t save any calories to use on wine the weight is coming off slowly but surely, 7 pounds in the last month.

It probably would be a bit quicker if I could motivate myself to do a bit more exercise. I see people on the weight loss chat page here saying how they only ever eat 1200 calories a day - I couldn’t live like that, it must be such a miserable existence.

guilt about eating and emotional attachment to food are not normal, let alone bingeing. Not your fault, but you need professional mental health food. Please contact your GP (can be done remotely) about a referral. I wish you the best.

FFS - health food??? health help!!! Sorry!

EAT THE LASAGNE

You need to find something that works for you. I used to binge in the evenings because I wasn't eating enough during the day. Now I make sure I do have enough, and I don't get the urge. And yes, lasagna, as anything else, is fine in moderation. Why don't you have say, half as much as you would normally have, and have salad with it?

The kind of food you're eating is the sort that will leave you hungry and binging in the evening. You need to be eating healthy fat and protein, not sugary diet yogurts and salads. Very few people can lose weight eating 'diet' food. I would imagine if your dh is a personal trainer, he must know something about high fat/high protein diets - like keto or paleo. I would eat like that and not count calories. I switched to a paleo diet (not to lose weight, I'm overweight, but have no interest really in losing weight) and I lost weight without even trying. I purely did it for health reasons, to cut out sugary carbs which made me feel a bit blah, and I couldn't help but lose weight. I wasn't hungry. I ate as much as I wanted. It is a bit expensive because good quality fat and protein costs more than salad. And takes prep time, which frankly I eventually ran out of working the hours that I do. But I don't think restriction and not eating the things your family eats is healthy and you won't be able to maintain that longterm.

I want to preface this with thanking everyone for your input and hope it doesn’t feel like I’m dismissing everyone’s help. I hate it when people do that, so I’m really not trying to!

I feel like I’ve reached the end of the road. I did low carb/ paleo seven years ago after my first child, and lost a ton of weight. DH was really into it at the time and it was easy to stick to. So I’m a big advocate of that approach. Tried it again a year ago, just couldn’t be disciplined enough. Slowly with each child, I’ve gained more weight/ not lost as much. And so now at nearly 40, I’m so over weight. I try and try and try to force myself to just eat sensibly. Just regular meals. And I just can’t. I recognise it now was disordered eating but I don’t know how to make myself un-disordered. DH is so kind and helpful and tries so hard to help me but I feel stuck in this situation where I diet and diet and don’t seem to lose weight. So logically I’m not dieting as much as I think. So I lose hope.

I think just talking here is helping. It feels sort of cathartic. I feel so bad about myself that I wonder why my young children have so much adoration for their mother, who is overweight. Like somehow I’m not deserving of their love because I’m not slim. If a friend told me that, I’d move heaven and earth to reassure her she’s wrong.

I could have written your post word for word. I have hit 44 and I just can’t do the restriction diets anymore. Again again and again. Beating myself and feeling awful about myself. I’m a size 14/16.

I have had more success with just healthy eating and having a nice dinner on a sat. I belong to a gym so can’t wait for that to re open. But I struggle with this everyday.
I refuse to berate myself or feel bad about myself anymore. Last year I didn’t feel I deserved to go on holiday being a size 12-14 as I would look fat compared to everyone else. It feels horrible thinking about myself as less of a person because I’m over weight

I used I can make you thin by Paul McKenna app. It is amazing as it helps retrain your mind and helps to stop emotional eating.

I would perhaps step away from trying to control what food you eat and instead look at your own self-esteem. Your kids think you're amazing because in their eyes you are, regardless of what size you are. You are the one feeling bad about yourself, not them, so try and find ways to take a leaf out of their book. And be the friend to yourself that you would be to someone else, stop belittling yourself, be kind, and eat the lasagne.

Do the Second Nature plan. It resets all your bad thinking and focuses on making good habits. Honestly, look into it. It's great.

This thinking and stressing and fretting about your body - which is AMAZING by the way, it produced and fed three children!!! - is a WASTE of energy. It's disordered thinking! Channel you energy into something constructive, not destructive. Start a business! Run a charity! Solve climate change! Anything but this self-hate.

and eat the lasagne.

I understand how you feel OP. My dh said to me ( not unkindly, but tactlessly) that I need to stop yo yoying as its not healthy.
While I do agree with him. I lost 10 pounds in 3 months and gained it back in 3 months- I felt so ugly and fat.
He apologised profusely but it really made me want to lose weight for good. Im 5 ft 5 inches and 11stone 6 pounds. Ive lost a few pounds but I hate that I have to work so hard at it and reflect on every calorie. I hope I can embrace healthy eating for life rather than dieting for the rest of my life.

Do you do exercise with your dh?

Maybe CBT might help you? It might help unpack why you feel the need for a treat (binge) every evening instead of eating nice things moderately throughout the day or week.

Also take a look at intuitive eating. The key thing is to feel your body with good food but enjoy yourself. Want lasagna? That’s fine. Acknowledge it may make you feel a bit sluggish so a nice salad with a bit less lasagna may be a good option instead because it’ll do your body and mental fog some good. Etc.