2 children at 21

[getmeacupoftea]

I had 2 children by 21. I'm currently 23, and I am absolutely loving life with my 3 year old and 18 month old. Though hard at times, I feel blessed that I've had my children at this age. I'm currently working part-time (although my new start date has been pushed back - thanks covid) and I really look forward to diving headfirst into the career I want to do once they are school age, with no maternity leave holding me back. From reading previous threads about young parents, I feel as though I should mention that I have never claimed a penny from the government, I'm married and we are currently saving for a house whilst living in military married quarters. We are lucky in a sense.

I just seemed to be faced with a lot of negativity, comments on how young I am, even though I don't feel young, I just feel like a parent, as I imagine everyone else does. So comments can sting sometimes.
I feel so self-conscious going to mum's groups as I have never fit into the "yummy mummy" 30 something club. But I've also never felt a belonging to teen parent groups. I feel like I'm in a weird bracket in between. I was just wanting to hear from people who had their babies around my age, and how fantastic they are doing now, having done the baby/career thing the wrong way round. Or from mum misfits like me who feel a bit lonely, and don't have zoom girly nights like everyone else seems to be at the moment.

Whatever choices you make are best for you are best for you.
I would never- nor would I want my daughter- to have a family in her early 20s. You can’t get those selfish years back, once you have kids they will always come first and influence the decisions you can make.
As for living life once they are older by that point all my friends would be settling having children so that would feel pointless to me.
As I said just my opinion

You’re missing my point: it’s not what you’re into, as much as the fact you got to be into something Time, freedom and the ability to shoulder risk are not to be underestimated.

Whilst I was out partying I also got my degree and masters. I have friends that played in bands; wrote books, won art prizes; travelled round the world and went into politics. They became florists and lawyers; doctors and yoga teachers; architects and authors. The point is not what we did, but that we could

By thirty many of us had DC (I had 3, with another at 33) so i don’t feel we had to sacrifice anything.

My eldest is now 17 and the idea of them giving up what I consider to be their best years to pare good is less than ideal.

@PegasusReturns

I understand you. But I don't feel that way. I truly don't feel I'm missing out on much. I had my first at 20, but I had been independent of my parents from 17 so I did get a few selfish years in before I became a mum.

@getmeacupoftea 'selfish' years are overatted op. I had mine at 27&28 and being a mum and wife is so much more fulfilling than my 'selfish' years. I always felt unfulfilled and like I was wasting life. I know friends that have literally travelled the world in their freedom and had kids later - one such friend absolutely struggled with parenthood and begrudge letting of her old life. I know it's not the save for everyone but I think folk who wait often get too much of the 'good life' so to speak and gaming kids and all that it brings comes hard. When you're younger you know no different. I know many many mothers who had kids 30+ and wish they'd had them younger but I don't know any who had them young and wish they were older

Having not bloody gaming 🙄

It’s. it ‘selfish’ to not have a kid, or to not have had one yet. Quite the opposite. I wish women would stop referring to themselves or others as ‘selfish’ for not contributing to overpopulation.

*not

Where I come from, it's not remotely uncommon for young women to have their first babies at 16/17. By the age of 21, having two or three is very much the norm. I had my first at 25, and I was very much the outlier.

All the young women in that area say that they're going to study/travel later in life but, statistically speaking, they very rarely do. Their children reach teenage years, then have their own babies - and they go on to say they'll study/travel when they're older. And so it goes on.

If you're happy with your setup, Op, then that's brilliant. It works for lots of people, and lots do go on to achieve much in their lives. I know a few who have done, but they're not the norm.

I agree with @PegasusReturns entirely. I have a 23yo daughter, and I'm so glad she's living life to the full before thinking about having babies. Everyone's different though, if you're happy then don't let anyone tell you you're wrong.

Fairly common in military marriages imo.

I know many many mothers who had kids 30+ and wish they'd had them younger but I don't know any who had them young and wish they were older

That's the opposite of my experience. I've never known anyone who regrets waiting, but I've known so so many women who have regretted having their babies young. They don't regret their babies, of course, but pretty much every single one of them wishes she'd waited.

Bit of an echo in here tonight...

Agree with Pegasus, it's not about drinking and partying, it's about taking time to develop as a person.
I don't judge people who have their kids young but also in my experience most wish they'd waited.

When people say things like you didn’t get to live, travel, go to uni or whatever I always think that most (not all) of the girls who have their children young were never going to do those things anyway and I include myself in that. I’m not from a family where teenage pregnancy was a thing at all so it wasn’t as if it was written in the stars for me but I have to say it was a choice. It was almost like the easy option for me - obviously there’s nothing easy about it but it meant I didn’t have to face up to other things. My self confidence and self worth was just non existent and I was totally lost.

When I think of other girls I know who had kids at a similar age to me there aren’t many that I think would have been backpacking in Asia instead or on their way to a medical degree.

I hope no one rips me to shreds for that. I’m just being totally honest and talking about myself as well as other people.

I had 3 at 20, their 18,17,15 now. I loved being a young mum 35 now and go out with my eldest

I had my first at 20 and then my second when I was 25 and never felt judged at all as a younger mum, and I always attended lots of baby groups with women of different ages. Many of my friends I have met via the children are women in their 30/40s while I am still in my late 20s.

The only time I have even been aware of my age as a mum was when my eldest was a toddler and I took him to a children’s centre group. A woman came around telling all the parents about dental hygiene in children. When I mentioned my son actually had a dentist appointment later that day, she was so over the top in praise and patronising, I thought she was going to get a gold star out. However she may well have been like that with every mother.

I do not feel I sacrificed everything, I still graduated university, still got a good job and have gone on plenty of nights out and a few weekends away with friends.

Bit late here but i'm 22 and just had my second and I love them to pieces, life's great (apart from you know what). No worries as Ive always done what I can do make sure they're good.
I feel the same with older mums that probably did everything in the right order but I guess there is no right way. Doing right by your kids is the best you can ever do in life!

This sounds silly but one thing I have slightly worried about is that if me and my newborn's dad split, i'm going to be alone for the rest of my life for various reasons. Mother to two kids, young, don't want to continue to have kids with different dads etc.. 😳 don't get me wrong I don't need to have someone by me, it would be nice to have that family life but you know how life goes these days

I wish you all the best in the journey :)

Thanks for the responses everyone.
A couple of notions I don't agree with, however.

1. Getting married young and having babies in the military just because it's easier is quite an outdated dynamic. I'm certainly the youngest mother on my married patch anyway. You don't just "get houses" as I think someone implied earlier. I grew up in a military family also.
2. Can completely appreciate that this is of course not the life for everyone. Though I don't like the repetition of "you're missing out on your youth." I find it a little patronising. (Although I know that's not the intent.) I don't understand why people need to tell someone who has children at 23, "I'd be DEVASTATED if my 23 year old had children." Like great, thanks. Helpful.

I come from a background where it’s common to marry at 18-21 and start producing babies straight away. I was even a product of a marriage like that and mum was 21 when I was born. Most of the women, including my mum, became too ill or disabled to be much help when their kids began to have kids because they spent their best years (from a health perspective) prioritizing their kids rather than focussing on their health (physical and mental). All of them looked forward to the future like you do to ‘live their lives’ but that future never came. I have several aunts who never managed to save up enough money to leave the country and now that their kids can afford to send them are too sick to travel.

It’s great that you have kids (I didn’t have my first until 39 due to fertility issues) and they are definitely precious, but don’t put off living your life now for some mythical future. Focus on your health, gain experiences / knowledge you want to gain, and live without regrets.

My infertility battle was a mixed bag. One of the few positives was that I was able to use my 20s and most of my 30s to really turbo boost my career (managed to quadruple my salary), travel, and gain the kind of experiences my friends who had kids younger were hoping to gain in their 40s. But they can’t for various reasons.

There’s a buddhist saying that ‘your past is memories, your future fake, but your life is now’. It’s so true and everybody needs to live by that. Enjoy your children now and don’t put off living for a future that is uncertain.

@betterdaysarecoming

But you wouldn't be alone, you'd have your kids. I know what you mean though. And you!😊

@GrumpyHoonMain

Well done you, sounds like you've had a very full and ambitious life so far.
I'm not living for a future, however. I'm enjoying life with my children right now, and I've put in place the steps I need to take to hop on the career ladder. Eg, qualifications, volunteering, etc.
I've also known I've never really been bothered about travelling, or being at the top of my game in a powerful career. My only real goals in life have been to make a home and a family. I have a work ethic, of course, but it's not particularly something I've been driven by. I've only ever wanted a family unit of my own.

You should be claiming child benefit. Are you not?

@AnneLovesGilbert

Yes we get child benefit, that's the one everyone gets isnt it?

In the nicest possible way, OP, why do you need other people to validate your life choices? You say you’re met with negativity — well, welcome to the world. Not everyone thinks your choices are wise, whatever they are. For what it’s worth, I think it’s an enormous mistake to have children as young as you have, but I would keep that opinion to myself, just as I would hope you would keep to yourself your possible disapproval of the fact that I had my only child by choice at almost 40.

I made the choices I made, just as you did, because, for me, they were the right ones. I wanted a career that involved multiple postgraduate degrees more than I wanted a child, and I didn’t want my studies or early career years curtailed by child under pick-ups. But unlike you, I have no need for those decisions to meet with universal approval. Own your choices, and don’t expect everyone else to applaud them.

@Drombeg

I was just looking for an open discussion to invite some positivity in after a rubbish day of low self-esteem. Absolutely not looking for applause. And if you read my post properly, I wanted to chat to some people who had babies a similar age to me.
Of course I don't disapprove of you having a baby whenever you did. I don't know you. I really don't see the need for such a comment? Using words like "mistake" ?