Anyone else feel fed up with their family and friends?

[Teaformeplease]

I'm a single parent with a young child. Part time key worker so my dd has to go to a hub school. Contact with friends has dwindled since the start of lockdown. They have partners and children, some have continued working, some working from home, some furloughed. I'm feeling a bit fed up (more than a bit actually) that there isnt much contact and support coming my way. It's usually me who asks for a group chat for the children about once a week for dd to speak to her friends. We had 1 adult group chat at the start of lockdown and there's been nothing since. Both dd and I are lonely.

We keep as busy as we can, thankfully have a garden and somewhere nearby to go for a walk but are seriously lacking in social contact and get on each other's nerves a bit. I have some mental health issues which ,thankfully, are mild atm but some days are worse than others. I have reacted to this situation (covid/ fed up with friends) by withdrawing a bit and it's only because dd would lose her friends that I don't tell my friends to all go to hell.

I see facebook acquaintances having zoom quiz nights and group chats with friends and family, garden parties for VE day with neighbours and for us there's almost nothing.

I had to have a Covid test this week because we both had mild respiratory symptoms and so need to self isolate. Dd told a friend about it when they were chatting, friend's mother overheard and asked about it but hasn't since asked how we are, whether I've had the results back or we need anything. My test came back negative luckily but we could be at death's door for all she knows.

I seriously feel that I need new friends as the ones I've got are crap. I don't make friends easily and in the current situation it's impossible. I realise it's a struggle for a lot of people but they all have partners to share the load with, have adult conversations with, moan at, just generally be with.

So is it just me? Is this whole crappy situation bringing everyone else together, strengthening friendships and relationships with family? I don't know what's going to happen when lockdown ends and things start to get back to normal, whenever that may be. I don't feel that I want to see my "friends" as they aren't really friends anyway. Dd wouldn't be able to see her friends then and she wouldn't understand why.

Sorry for the long moan but I had to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading this.

You would be better to keep your friends even if that means that you have to keep initiating contact. As you have said it is not a good time to find new friends and you are feeling lonely.

I can relate to how you are feeling. I am a lone parent and i stopped communicating with my two oldest friends last year. I have met new people through a college course and voluntary work. I tend to get on best with other single parents. The two friends I stopped seeing just don't understand what my life is like and we had nothing in common any more.

Maybe you could find out if there is any way of meeting other single parents in your local area (when meet ups are allowed in the future).

I think many people have stopped contacting each other now, there just seems so little to say. Try not to take it personally. I stated off with lots of calls, chats, WhatsApp groups etc but it has all dwindled off.

Thanks for your replies.

I know it's easy to think everyone else's life is much better than your own. I can't help feeling let down and left out though. These aren't new feelings and I've found the last year quite difficult which friends just don't seem to get.

There are no single parent groups like Gingerbread in my area and it's hard for me to take the initiative with me people as I tend to assume they won't be interested anyway and I don't handle rejection well. So it's a catch 22 situation.

I'm particularly pissed off atm because of Covid and the stress and worry of having to deal with that.

I think it's the situation more than anything. While you're a single parent and may struggle more in some aspects, their home lives may not be asy right now either. Do they have multiple children? How helpful are their husbands? What are their childrens behaviour like? etc.

Have they been like this pre lockdown?

Are your friends all chatting to each other and having zoom chats?

Have you suggested anything like this to them, like a zoom pub night or quiz or something?

Tbh I think everyone is just trying to drag themselves through this at the moment. Everyone is struggling, everyone is fed up and knackered and grumpy. I wouldn't take it personally.

I've messaged a few good friends fairly frequently, but there's just not that much to chat about really. Same shit every day.

I'm not saying their lives are all rosy and I know we all have difficulties in different ways. It doesn't help me feel any less down about it though and this is not a new Covid-related thing.

Apart from asking for chats for dd I haven't suggested anything lately. The more stressed I get, the less inclined I feel to push for it. I'll do it for dd but won't do it for myself. There may not be much new to talk about but having a chance to have an adult conversation would help. We haven't been able to go out for a walk for a few days because we were told to isolate and now have to wait for dd to get her test result as mine was negative. I need my daily walk to de-stress. Hopefully dd will have a negative result too and I'll feel less trapped. I feel so sorry for people who don't have a garden I think I would have cracked up without ours.

This time in lockdown has really highlighted relationships issues for me, and not in a positive way. I don't know how to advise you, but I would say that your post comes across a bit like you are (understandably) maintaining friendships for your daughter when you are a bit 'meh' about the parents, and so I wonder if really it is worth the hassle for you. I get that you would like your child to have friends, but if you don't get on with their parents and you feel really side-lined by them then why would you invest in such a one sided relationship? You have enough going on with working, school, feeling poorly (sorry to hear you have both been unwell but glad to hear that you tested negative) to put so much energy into relationships that are leaving you feeling shit. Look after yourself, and maybe use this time to rediscover what you enjoy doing by yourself and with your daughter and then perhaps you might start to feel differently about these relationships.

Also...don't flame me for saying this but it has increasingly dawned on me that no one else is responsible for alleviating our feelings of loneliness. I have ruined many a relationship holding on to that belief...it just simply isn't true.

I have certainly found myself reassessing my friendships lately @Perfectstorm12. These are not the friends I thought I had and feel let down both for me and dd. It's not a new feeling but is much more apparent now without my usual distractions of going out and keeping busy. I suppose it comes down to how much ( or little in this case) I'm prepared to put up with and if something is better than nothing. I don't know the answer to that but definitely need to widen my social contacts. The practicalities of that are so difficult for me though, even in normal circumstances.
I appreciate everyone's comments so thanks for that.

Do you have a local church? They can be great places for meeting people (when they reopen). When I moved to our current house ds and I attended the local church for a while and were made to feel very welcome.

@Koddii there are plenty of churches around here of all faiths but I'm not religious and would feel like a hypocrite if I started going to church just to meet people and I would be found out pretty quickly too.

I have limited opportunities to do anything without dd. I have 1 day off and was doing a language class when covid happened. I can't do anything in the evenings because I haven't got a babysitter and dd has a few after school activities.

There's no easy way to make friends. I've read lots of threads on here from lonely people. It would be good if we could all get together!

Teaformeplease I was thinking of starting a very similar thread. Also a single parent with one dd, and life generally is pretty lonely - no nearby family and I don't have any sort of social circle. I also find making friends hard, and have always been a bit of an outsider - never felt included in school mums nights out, etc. I thought lockdown would be ok as I have no social life to miss, but it actually seems worse, as I feel like the only person who hasn't been invited to a single zoom chat, had anyone contacting me to see how we're getting on etc. I honestly feel like I could just disappear and no one would notice or care . I tried messaging a 'friend' early on, who replied, but she hasn't initiated any further chats. I actually feel panicky at the idea of lockdown easing, as we won't have anyone to 'meet up' with so nothing will change for us - while everyone else's Facebook will be full of pictures of happy reunions.

It's made worse by me feeling like I'm letting dd down as we don't have all these fun group chats with people that others seem to be having. If I wasn't working (from home) dd would literally be the only person I ever speak to, apart from phone calls to my parents.

So, no advice I'm afraid, but just wanted to say you're not alone. It's making me think I really have to try to join some sort of social group after all this - but in reality can't imagine it happening.

@theliverpoolone that is so sad to read. I take no comfort from the fact that I'm not the only one to feel like this. Life can really be shit sometimes.

I'm glad to go to work for the distraction and to have something to do but feel quite lonely and isolated there too. I've never found it easy to make real friends I only seem to have superficial acquaintances. I've got some family but we're not close and I often feel superfluous to requirements. I feel so sorry for dd because she is missing out on so much. I was a lonely child and I would hate for her to be like me. I've tried to make sure that she has lots of opportunities to meet people by going to different after school clubs and activities but as she's young she can't make her own arrangements to meet people. We are always going out doing things and don't usually spend much time at home because it magnifies the isolation for me. It's usually just the 2 of us when we go out and I feel envious seeing groups of family and friends doing things together. Dd notices this too and asks why we can't do things with others. My heart breaks for her.

Dd had a birthday a few weeks ago and some family and friends didn't even send a card. All of our birthday plans had to be cancelled and dd was upset not to get many cards this year. I'm upset for her too and feel so let down. I would have hoped that these family/ friends would have made a bit of an effort to send her a card and show her that she is not forgotten. Some people are really thoughtless and self absorbed. I would never have done that to their children. It's made me pull back even more which has increased the isolation we are both feeling.

This is an extremely rare and stressing situation - global pandemic, uncertainty - so it is really not the best time to "test" friendships based on how often people contact you or think about you. This is not about you, every person, regardless of circumstances, will be making sacrifices and finding life hard at the moment, so checking on others takes less priority. You say people checked on you once but not again... how many times do you expect people to initiate contact with you?

Also, if you are normally the one who initiates contact, your friends will be used to it, so they will expect you to continue doing it.

I honestly recommend you not to have such high expectations on others based on your own standards in any situation, let alone these weird times we are living now. It will only make you feel miserable and will be no reflection of other people's situations or friendships.

@LittleMissEngineer I know what you mean about motivation and I've given up because it feels like others can't be bothered. I almost have to beg for dd to have video calls with her friends once a week. If it wasn't for dd I would drop contact with most of them.

I understand. My oldest friend winds me up badly these days. First she made a big fuss of my child having an Asian name (I am Asian), then she started on about breastfeeding every time we spoke, even when I had just given birth and was in heaps of pain. After I stopped breastfeeding, she'd make lots of snippy little comments about my baby being too fat or whatever...

I don't know. I don't want to just ditch her but she's driving me mad.

@aurynne the trouble is these are not new feelings but they are intensified by this situation we are all in.

I've really struggled at times and when I've asked for some support it hasn't been given. I don't find it easy to ask either which makes it even worse when I'm brushed off because people are too busy and wrapped up in their own lives. I get that life is busy and stressful for everyone and everyone has their own stuff to deal with. I just feel so alone with it all.

Everyone is struggling and coping in their own ways . A few friends of mine have turned their phones off completely as they don’t want to read the news , social media etc. Am not blaming anyone as that’s their ways of coping. Am thinking of turning my phone off for 2 days as well and just concentrate on me and dd. Maybe concentrate on you and your dd for now . Self love

Dont take it personally OP. It's this rubbish situation making things worse.
For 2 weeks during this lockdown I didn't contact my oldest friend in the world, and she didn't contact me either. I've known her all my life and we can sometimes speak multiple times a day , but we just had nothing to say to each other- it was just highlighting the boredom.
I'm also a single parent and it's a relief when ds goes to his dad's.....some weeks I think we get sick of each other's company !

I think people posting pictures of their Zoom chat is probably to reassure themselves that they do have friends? Like: look, I did this, so people think I’m ok!
I’ve got down about it too. I even posted here about it.
But as a previous poster said: nobody is their best self right now. Nobody. No matter what they present online. It’s hard on everyone, to different levels, sure, but it is hard.
I was feeling lonely, so today I sent out a huge bunch of texts. To about 10 people. That I was thinking of them, that I cared. Every single one of them wrote back expressing their appreciation.
The card thing- that sucks. But it doesn’t mean they don’t care necessarily. They might be scared to buy stamps at the moment. I love my nephew but I forgot his birthday this year. Because I have no idea what day or date it is at the moment.
I think don’t make permanent decisions in heightened emotional circumstances. See how you feel at the other end.
I’ve been talked down here from confronting family about our relationships. It’s just not normal times.

I don't think zoom chats are reflective of how many friends someone has, it just means someone in the family or friendship group has made the effort to organise it- could you try and set one up with your friends? As for friends, most people have run out of things to say I think. I adore my friends and deeply care about them, but I am finding it a bit teedious with the small talk as no one is really doing much. Have you reached out and said you are struggling?

Op can I say this in the most gentle way. It is not the job or responsibility of your friends to alleviate your loneliness, it really isn't. They will have their own worries/demands and will be exhausted, as all are from the stress of living through this. People are doing whatever they can just to get through the day, they do not needed the added strain of having to worry about you as well. It doesn't make them a bad friend, it simply means they have enough to contend with themselves.

You are not going through this alone, we all are suffering. I am wondering if the difficulties you are finding within your friendships stem from prioritising your needs. I can hear alot about how you are feeling, but are you interested in how your friends are coping/feeling? Are you simply calling to fill some time for your dd?

I have stopped talking to friends altogether, we rarely message now, of course I still care about them, I have no energy to do it anymore. There is nothing new to say, no hope as yet on the horizon, it is hard going.

I would be careful to not let your friends go, if you are unable to make new friends easily. You will just further damage your dd's and your own social life. This is the wrong time to start evaluating friendships, maybe in normal times it would be okay, but at a time like this - no way.

Cut people some slack, do something nice for them. Drop some flowers over the garden, or a handwritten note from dd. Try something new if you want to, or just keep your head down until this is all over, but don't make big decisions until this is over, and you have more clarity.

I agree 100% with biscuit.

I admit ive not been very active on WhatsApp friend groups either and thats because I'm feeling so fed up and pissed off now that ive literally run out of things to say. We started chatting daily but as time has gone on I just cant face talking about it so I have withdrawn a bit and i sense others are doing the same.

It doesnt mean I dont care about my friends but we are all just trying to get through this and I'm sorry but im just not in the mood right now to be all bubbly and sociable. I'm afraid I cant pretend Im feeling it when im not. I suspect your friends are feeling the same way. You really have no idea how low they might be feeling right now. When i'm feeling like that I just dont have any emotional resources left to chivvy up my friends. Its merely about self preservation. It doesnt mean we dont love each other or dont care about each other. These are unprecedented times and I agree that you need to cut your friends some slack. There is a reason why we are taught to put on our own oxygen mask first, before we help others with theirs.

Clouds - maybe a bit of space or distance for a bit. She doesn't sound very supportive of you. See what happens then