Anyone else feel fed up with their family and friends?

[Teaformeplease]

I'm a single parent with a young child. Part time key worker so my dd has to go to a hub school. Contact with friends has dwindled since the start of lockdown. They have partners and children, some have continued working, some working from home, some furloughed. I'm feeling a bit fed up (more than a bit actually) that there isnt much contact and support coming my way. It's usually me who asks for a group chat for the children about once a week for dd to speak to her friends. We had 1 adult group chat at the start of lockdown and there's been nothing since. Both dd and I are lonely.

We keep as busy as we can, thankfully have a garden and somewhere nearby to go for a walk but are seriously lacking in social contact and get on each other's nerves a bit. I have some mental health issues which ,thankfully, are mild atm but some days are worse than others. I have reacted to this situation (covid/ fed up with friends) by withdrawing a bit and it's only because dd would lose her friends that I don't tell my friends to all go to hell.

I see facebook acquaintances having zoom quiz nights and group chats with friends and family, garden parties for VE day with neighbours and for us there's almost nothing.

I had to have a Covid test this week because we both had mild respiratory symptoms and so need to self isolate. Dd told a friend about it when they were chatting, friend's mother overheard and asked about it but hasn't since asked how we are, whether I've had the results back or we need anything. My test came back negative luckily but we could be at death's door for all she knows.

I seriously feel that I need new friends as the ones I've got are crap. I don't make friends easily and in the current situation it's impossible. I realise it's a struggle for a lot of people but they all have partners to share the load with, have adult conversations with, moan at, just generally be with.

So is it just me? Is this whole crappy situation bringing everyone else together, strengthening friendships and relationships with family? I don't know what's going to happen when lockdown ends and things start to get back to normal, whenever that may be. I don't feel that I want to see my "friends" as they aren't really friends anyway. Dd wouldn't be able to see her friends then and she wouldn't understand why.

Sorry for the long moan but I had to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading this.

Biscuit has got it right.

I'm trying not to take it personally. I'm trying not to dwell on it too much. Some days it's easier than others. I can't tell them all to f* off after lockdown because that would badly affect dd but I definitely feel that I'd like to.

I have had to make the best of this for both of us. We spend a lot of time in the garden to be outdoors in the fresh air. Try to keep exercising an have a routine with schoolwork and play and have some downtime for me. In some ways lockdown has been ok and I'm less stressed than I thought I'd be so that's a positive.

I know facebook posts are to be taken with a pinch of salt as we cant see the chaos that surrounds that one snapshot. Can't help feeling envious though.

can't tell them all to f off after lockdown because that would badly affect dd but I definitely feel that I'd like to*

So how good a friend are you actually, if this is how you feel?

Seriously op your latest post is all about you, still.

This is not about you, this is about all of us.

Tell them to f* off if you want to, but the only person you will be punishing is yourself (and dd) You sound jealous, and I don't blame you, but you need to keep this in check. No one has a perfect life, we are making the best of whatever we have. Start a gratitude diary - it might help. You have a child, a garden, fresh air and a negative CoVid result, what more do you need right now. Yes the lockdown is lonely for most of us, but you have many more blessings than you seem to realise.

You seem very sad, I do understand how you feel, these are scary times.

I was a dreadful shy only child, daughter of an alcoholic, in a tiny village where everyone knew your family. I was lucky to have a lovely mother and family and we were part of an church community that was nurturing.
However, I realised when I left for university and saw a different lifestyle, that it was habit and security,not faith that drove my churchgoing so I stopped.

I was quite a solitary teen, so I also realised that if I wanted friends, I needed to make them. So I took an interest in people around me. I worked in libraries and met some wonderful folk whose stories were fascinating.

I suppose you could say I wasn't true to myself if I was that shy person but I believe the opposite, it was my anxiety telling me to trust no one, that they would see through me as my mind tried to protect me.

Now I am infamous for knowing someone everywhere I go! Obviously not all those I meet are nice, but I have a good sense for those I can trust. You soon spot those who always talk about themselves and don't ask about others. I have a group of friends from diverse backgrounds who, with my family, are my world.

Can you look at why you feel such reluctance to reach out to people around you? If you take the first steps to ask how other people are doing, they will respond. You can't just make one approach and think that's all, you come back again.

Join some online groups around your interests, I have 'met' some wonderful people in eco, spiritual, political, reading, gardening and feminist groups.

For your child's sake, reach out with a smile and ask about other people. I am sure your people are out there.

If you are feeling overly anxious and/or depressed speak to your GP. if you speak to the receptionist ask how the team at the surgery are doing. When you talk to the doctor, ask them too.
At the supermarket thank the staff, acknowledge them. When the postie or a courier call do the same.

All of these actions will draw people into your life. Please look after yourself and take care

Biscuit I have tried to be a good friend and have said many times I get it that everyone's got stuff going on and that I'm grateful for what I've got.

This post was for me to say how I feel about things. Am I not allowed that even here? It's hard to keep trying when you don't get much back.

I had a lot of zoom calls for the kids, group whatsapps, quiz nights etc, checking on family and my work team a few times a week at the start but its dropped right off now.

The kids do not get what they need from zoom chats. They are young so they want to run and play with friends not have a conversation. There just isn't much to say to anyone unless they want a run down of exactly which plants have come in to flower in the garden which they dont.

I feel withdrawn but am an introvert so its ok for me. My sister who is an extrovert has also stopped all the catch ups as they are not as good as the meet ups she really wants.

What I am trying to say is that the novelty has worn off for a lot of people and they are not having all the interaction they had a few weeks back. I am so sorry you are struggling and lonely but I think a lot of people are and it's not their job to solve your problems. If you need the interaction, you need to initiate but remember others may be struggling and be fed up of zoom chats that in no way replace the meet ups you used to enjoy. I dont think this is the time to lose friends honestly. Everyone is under pressure. I really hope things get better for you.

And I also I think its absolutely fine to have a moan on here and feel sorry for yourself sometimes.

Hi
I think that you are feeling fatigued too without realising it.Atm a lot more effort has to go into maintaining relationships outside the home for everyone.
If you add in home schooling , working from home, cooking meals, planning to get shopping for those meals,job security worries, furlough worries on top of actually being ill, for some it has become about survival , just getting through the day.i highly doubt all of your friends are having a whale of a time, but nobody likes to moan because everybody knows it’s affecting everyone else.
I also think you need to be aware you are doing a great job, holding it all together on your own with your child in a pandemic.There will be people in your friendship circle who couldn’t do what your doing on their own.
I’d say congratulate yourself, don’t get too wound up on “ flakey friends” just at the moment, everyone is struggling in little different ways , all the reasons I pointed out above.... sometimes it’s enough to be looking after your own house and people mean to reach out but often forget till end of day when it’s too late.
Reach out with a text to the individuals you have got on well with, perhaps you have more time to do that atm?
When all this is over in one form or another, value the people that checked in and devalue the people who didn’t from your life.
Don’t base your self value on friendships or people who don’t bother.

It's hard to keep trying when you don't get much back

Then stop trying. Allow this quiet time to continue, show dd how to be independent and resilient. She does not need to speak to someone every week, she can simply make the most of her time with you. The lockdown won't last forever, she will soon be back with her friends.

I'd be worried you were setting up dd to feel disappointed as well, that she will start to judge her own friends in a similar way. I think a better message might be that this is quiet time, how can we make the most of it, rather than how hasn't called this week, why isn't anyone making an effort...do you see what I am saying op. It can come across as needy, and the last thing anyone wants right now is needy people, we are all too drained.

OP- of course you are allowed to vent and express your feelings- thats right and healthy to do so.

But going immediately to tell your friends to "fuck off" because they appear to have withdrawn is a definite overreaction. Maybe their marriages are under strain and lockdown has escalated that. Maybe they also have mental health issues they havent told you about? maybe they're worried about their kids, maybe they have sick relatives, maybe they are borderline claustrophobic and the lockdown has them crawling out of their skin with stress.

You simply dont know whats going on with them. We all know FB is a load of old bollocks and people post what they want others to see so you cannot really glean anything of value from FB.

Imagine if you were going through a rough time and withdrew for a while and then a friend suddenly told you to fck off because you hadn't checked in on them. How would you feel?

Also ditch Facebook , we destroy ourselves over it.We want it so can keep in the loop of “ news” on friends but it can destroy our own self belief.I got rid of mine 4 months ago and feel so much better.I now text someone when they cross my mind, have a conversation with them and it feels more real.
Another op pointed out too about birthday cards for your child, maybe some people couldn’t get to the shops to buy one, older relatives don’t possibly know how to do online , in the first weeks of pandemic it was a challenge just to get toilet roll and bread.The other op also pointed out that if you are constantly monitoring how people behave towards you based on birthday cards and reaching out , you are giving your child these thoughts too?
You are allowed to feel sad, upset, lonely in these times, I bet some people have felt lonely in a houseful of family , I know I have.
As other people have posted get on with getting yourself through this crisis by being you, fulfilling your child’s needs and yours as best you can .
I’d also suggest searching up the lone parents board on here, when I was lone parenting there were plenty of people in same boat on there to give good advice or moan with

Biscuit that is what I've tried to do. I work very hard at hiding my neediness from everyone as it makes people run for the hills. I try to shield dd from how I feel but acknowledge that she may feel disappointed, lonely, bored etc as I don't want her to think her feelings don't matter.
I'm an independent woman, I do things for myself and I rarely ask for help with anything. I want dd to grow up to be happy with herself and have good friendships too.

And I wouldn't actually tell them all to f* off even though I might feel like it at times.

I feel for you. I brought up my first child on my own, working full time. This was a long time ago and not in a lockdown situation, of course. It was hard to have a friendship group as I missed out on many opportunities for school gate contacts. I do remember the thing that hurt me the most of all was when, trying to arrange play dates for DS at weekends, I was often met with “ We’re usually doing things as a family at weekends”. It was what it was however, and there were certain benefits in learning to live with our own company and not be too expecting of others. It brought a kind of resilience which has stayed with me, even though years later I remarried and had two more DC. If it’s any comfort, I realised DS saw his friends every day at school so was not really isolated for the want of a few play dates. Naturally much of this is on pause at the moment which makes it all the more difficult. DS is now an adult with good friends (many from his school days) and great integrity and inner strength. As far as the current lockdown goes, I agree with PPs who say that the whole Zoom thing, online quizzes etc etc is wearing a bit thin. DH and I haven’t been invited to join any of these things so not everyone is doing it. we can’t be bothered! DH is working terrible hours from home and I am trying to keep elderly parents and in-laws plus two student offspring going part time work notwithstanding. The people who post on Social media about being busy, busy, busy in normal times are the ones who are promoting how busy and amazing they are during the lockdown. You’re making a real contribution as a key worker and your DD is getting some social contact at the hub. Wish you all the best.

I still maintain your friends have done nothing wrong, you are not ill or in desperate need, you are just bored and fed up like the rest of us.

If you were seriously ill with coronavirus, and needed medication and shopping provided they were well themselves, you may have some justification for feeling disappointed that they didn't help you. However they are not there simply to fill your days, and provide entertainment for dd when it is hard enough as it is. It is too much to expect of anyone.

I am sorry op but this is lockdown for you. It is no fun at all, for any of us. Those with families are sick of seeing the same people every hour of every day for months on end, those without families are fed up being on their own of every hour of every day for months on end.

This is just how it is, there is no magic solution apart from accepting what we can not change, for the moment, and planning for happier times in the future. We are over the worst now, and emerging through to better times. Don't hold on to grudges, it will make you bitter. Be glad for the calls you did have over this period, and let it all wash over you - better times are on their way

Are they actually, really your friends or just aquaintances through DD? If DD wasn't in the equation, would you genuinely have any lasting connection?

Most "friends" are good aquaintances or lifestyle friends. They fill your needs for where you're at now, but there's not enough substance to survive changes in lifestyle or location.

Real friends are a much rarer thing. They are more likely to be the low maintainence friends in the wings who don't care how long its been, it's a joy and connection of souls to be back together again.

I agree that fatigue has set in.
I have DH so some adult company, but it's this weird combination of being socially understimulated and overloaded by the constant prescence of DH and the DCs (and we get on very well!) With things to do coming in from school and DC's activities, particularly from one overzealous leader sending out vast amounts of indicriminate stuff, I've retreated. I want to just be and get through this surreal interlude in the moment. I have no structure to pin scheduling a Zoom call to. Not that I'm a zoom call, group chat or phone for a chat person anyway. I need real people, getting out of my house and an external structure.

Others may be busier than ever managing work and children without their usual support. Supporting vulnerable family. Relationships under strain. Even liking a quiet time without commitments. There are so many reasons why people won't interact normally and how that's changed since the first few weeks.

It's not really about quality of friendship and caring, it's just getting through this unbalanced groundhog day.

There are a few people I was really going to support at the start of this and I did keep in contact well to begin with. It's hard though, they all tell me they're OK, there's nothing I can do if they're not and when I ring them neither of us has any news or anything to talk about!

Thank you to everyone who has posted, I appreciate everyone taking time to reply on this thread. Life is shit for everyone at the moment and yes things could be much worse. I can see I'm not the only one to feel like this and hope those in a similar situation to me take some (albeit little) comfort from a brief connection with someone who feels the same. I'll definitely check out the single parent's board as someone suggested further up the thread.

I've lost track of how many weeks in we are now. I hope were through the worse and things will get a bit more relaxed over time.

We all wish you the best op, you doing a great job getting through it being a single parent, it can't be easy, but you are nearly there already. Tonight we may have some restrictions eased in the coming weeks. Fingers crossed.