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Original poster

My son told me he had a crush on a boy and I don't think I reacted the right way.

27 replies

PurpleChevron · 08/05/2020 01:20

My son is 13 but mentally much younger. He is very feminine and not a stereotypical boy, he has enjoyed dressing up as a girl in the past, having his make-up and nails done etc......I have never encouraged or discouraged this behaviour because I just want him to be who he wants to be. His friends love him and totally embrace this with him.
My friends and family are always commenting on him saying he is going to be gay and quite often say this in ear shot of him.

I am perfectly happy if he is Gay, it doesn't bother me one way or another but I do worry about people labelling him before he has had chance to make his own mind up about things and influencing his decision. He is only 13 and has always maintained he doesn't have feelings for either gender ( I don't feel like he should have to justify it, I think people should butt out of it) I want him to enjoy being a kid and not be worrying about if he likes girls or boys.

So this evening I overheard him saying to a friend on the phone that he liked a boy a while back. After he had finished the call I had a chat with him and he said "everyone keeps saying I'm gay"

So my response was that maybe he shouldn't label it, that he is at an age where he will have all sorts of feelings about both girls and boys and they are totally normal. I told him that when I was a teenager i experimented and kissed girls because of those feelings and that is ok but I now know ultimately I like boys. I said he should ignore what other people say to him and about him, be true to himself and given time he would understand which way he felt. I asked him if he wanted a relationship yet and he was like ewww no. So I said, why do you need to label yourself. Just enjoy being a kid. I reiterated that I don't care if he loves boys, girls or teddybears. That I love him no matter what. We had a cuddle and he was his usual happy self.
I am going to speak to t friends and family and reiterate that comments about his sexuality are not welcome and to stop it. (I have said this many times before in the past and people listen for a while and then start doing it again)
I don't know if I dealt with my son very well. Like I said, I don't care what he is as long as he is happy. I just don't want him making a decision like that because other people have drummed it into him that that is what he is. It's like telling a child they are naughty- eventually they conform to the label.

OP posts:

Casmama · 08/05/2020 01:28

Dont be silly, you know from your description you dealt with it well. This seems a little attention seeking.

Original poster

PurpleChevron · 08/05/2020 01:33

Really? Why would I be attention seeking?

My concern is other people labelling him and informing his decision for him.
From my perspective I didn't know if I dealt with it correctly.....what if that was him coming out to me and I have just basically palmed him off and said come back when you're older.
I know how hard it must be to have that type of convo with your mum. I was hoping someone on here might have been through something similar and have some pearls of wisdom.

OP posts:

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 08/05/2020 01:34

You’re right- That was an appalling reaction!

IdblowJonSnow · 08/05/2020 01:35

I think you dealt with it well OP.
Definitely tell other adults to back off with their unwanted comments.

Original poster

PurpleChevron · 08/05/2020 01:39

chandler what would you have done? I feel totally out of my depth with this. I suffer really badly with anxiety so it is playing over and over in my head.

OP posts:

Casmama · 08/05/2020 01:42

OP you did good. There is no reason for you to feel anxious - your reaction was almost textbook.

DamnYankee · 08/05/2020 01:51

You had a cuddle
This, especially during these difficult times, is a really good sign.
You handled it. Were worried. Sought support. Not attention-seeking.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 08/05/2020 01:53

Sorry OP I was being sarcastic. I think it’s very obvious you handled it perfectly. There’s really no need for this thread concern.

DamnYankee · 08/05/2020 01:54

@PurpleChevron
Don't ask. You have done well. We're all out of our depth with talking to our pre-teens/teen about sexuality.

Silvergreen · 08/05/2020 01:56

He's gay. You handled it really well.

Jojo19834 · 08/05/2020 01:56

Agree OP, sounds like a great reaction, not what I was expecting the thread to say by its title

Original poster

PurpleChevron · 08/05/2020 01:56

ok- thank you for the replies.

I only usually post on MN to get support for my mental health but I can't sleep worrying about this. I have made so many crap decisions as a parent and I really don't want to mess this up. I am the last person to come on attention seeking.

OP posts:

springydaff · 08/05/2020 02:07

You handled it exceptionally well, Chevron.

Bravo you, you done good 👍

FelicityBeedle · 08/05/2020 02:10

It wasn’t a bad response at all. I personally would have dismissed it as likely just a ‘teenage phase’, as that’s a bit belittling

sayanara · 08/05/2020 02:11

Dear OP - you handled it really well.
I don't know why people jump on here to make accusations and sarcastic remarks to people who are just looking for advice. They have now made you worry about the incident with your son and that being accused of attention seeking.
You are not attention seeking. You handled the situation with your son really well. You sound like a very thoughtful, loving person.

Tell the friends and family who comment on your son's sexuality to mind their own business.

Newdress · 08/05/2020 02:11

OP I think I relate really strongly to your worry here. Your description of your reaction chimes with me. You have tried so so hard to say the right things - so it fits that you would now also continue to worry if they were the right things, reflect on whether you pitched it right etc.

I've been in a similar situation and came out of it worried that I was so keen to stress that you don't have to decide these things that I missed my child trying to communicate a strong feeling. He stopped talking about it, seemed to not be worrying about it and then several months later I found out it was still very much in his thoughts. It's not easy.

Shatandfattered · 08/05/2020 02:12

OP the one thing you need to remind yourself is this... His sexuality will not be influenced by your behaviour. If you outright acted in disgust and rage I'd understand the doubt, but you did perfectly fine. He is who he is and you haven't done anything wrong here

JungleRaisin · 08/05/2020 02:13

Great handling OP :)

Gingerkittykat · 08/05/2020 02:28

He didn't dress as a girl, he was a boy who wanted to experiment with the way he looked.

Maybe he wants to have a word to understand his experiencing his feelings, people talking about the possibility of him being gay won't make him gay if he is straight. Would you tell a straight kid that 13 was too young to know who they are attracted to?

13 isn't a little kid, it is common for kids that age to have sexual feelings and start thinking about relationships.

Prontoe · 08/05/2020 02:41

Well, apart from telling him that all people have feelings about both genders, I guess you did ok. Most teens do not have feelings for both genders.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/05/2020 02:45

I think you pitched it right for him now.
I think you also need to let him know that it's always ok for him to talk to you about his feelings as they progress, and that you will always listen to him. Emphasise that you will listen to how his feelings are changing as he grows older and things become clearer for him.

@Gingerkittycat - the OP has said that her son is not emotionally at a 13yo level yet, so I think she probably knows better than you, AND she checked with him how he felt about relationships with anyone.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 08/05/2020 03:09

@Prontoe its actually a LOT more common than you'd think. Sexuality is a spectrum, y'all.

OP i think you did a pretty good job here- only thing I'd note is to be careful youre not accidentally invalidating his feelings or brushing them off as "just a phase" - it doesn't sound like you did, but if these feelings don't go away you don't want him feeling like they should have done.

returnofthemollymawks · 08/05/2020 03:12

I have made so many crap decisions as a parent and I really don't want to mess this up

We've all been three and made crap parenting decisions. However your OP is quite the opposite. Spot on OP.

USirName · 08/05/2020 03:46

You did great OP. For what it's worth, I went through almost exactly the same thing with my DD at the same age, and had the same conversation (and yes, I too was terrified of giving the wrong advice). She is now 17 and comes to me to chat/get advice about everything. She trusts me because I wasn't judgemental and allowed her to just be herself, and taught her that there really is no pressure to fit into any type of label. She has grown to be a very strong and confident person. Your son will be the same because you are there for him.

BarbedBloom · 08/05/2020 04:10

You did fine. By comparison, when I told my mother I had a girlfriend at that age she told me it was just a phase and I would grow out of it. I am 39 now and still bisexual but she won't hear about it. I married a man and she is convinced I am straight. I have had many relationships with women but in the back of my mind I do sometimes wonder if her reaction has affected me.

You can revisit this in future when he is more comfortable. I will say though that even as an immature 11 year old, I knew I found both men and women attractive, though I couldn't have explained my feelings until I was a bit older.

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