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Original poster

Upset son lives in a tip at his dads

33 replies

snappychat · 04/05/2020 11:36

My ex and I have two sons age 17 & 20. They’ve always split their time between us equally, but now 20yo lives with me and visits dad, though not much, 17yo with dad and stays with me regularly.

The issue is 17yo has had enough of (his words) “living in a tip at dads, I’m not able to invite friends round as I’m too embarrassed at the state of the house, everywhere is cluttered and messy, there’s plants all over the kitchen attracting flies, the bin’s overflowing, it’s just disgusting”

I went to pick up DS yesterday and omg I was shocked, I went in the kitchen and the state of it really upset me, the worktops were full of bits of old food, floor full of crumbs, front of cupboards all full of dust in the grooves, piles of stuff on worktops, inside fridge was filthy, rubbish bin full and bags next to it piled with rubbish too, I could go on, it was really gross. I won’t even start about when I’ve popped to the bathroom!

He met an overseas lady a few years ago and the boys talked to her quite a bit on skype and also visitied her country with ex and they said she was really nice and chatty, took a real interest in them etc. Fast forward a couple of years and they’re married and she’s living with them with her 19yo son, I’ve met them a couple of times and they both seem really nice. But, both my sons tell me she’s the complete opposite of who they met, she does not interact with them, she can walk past them in the house and not speak, (she’s done this in front of their dad), she cooks only for her and her son, leaves all the pots lying around the kitchen with left over food in for someone else to clean up, they say her son is as bad, doesn’t clean up after himself, all this and more and dad says nothing. Ex doesn’t cook for my son, he just grabs food as and when, they don’t sit down for meals.

This is really affecting my DS, to the point where he wants to leave his dads as soon as he can. I’ve told him he can be with me full time and he’d like that but scared of losing his friends, he’s at college and also sports clubs, his dad is 50 mins drive away.

I am so upset that my son is living like this, his diet isn’t great either as you can imagine.

He’s a lovely guy, we’ve always got on where the boys are concerned but my DS has had three serious conversations with him now and told him how he feels and isn’t getting anywhere, this is very delicate and I’m struggling to know how to deal with it.

I’d like some help on how to deal with this, I am soooo upset and teary that my son is living in a sh!t tip and don’t want him to go back ☹
Thank you

OP posts:

Connie222 · 04/05/2020 11:41

Your son can’t continue to live like that. Is upsetting him and to be honest it doesn’t sound healthy.

I understand about his friends and college but to be honest, I’ve got a 17 year old Ds and if it was him I’d just be bringing him back to my house. That sounds like a miserable way to live.

He won’t be back at college and probably not sports until after the summer now anyway and with lockdown won’t be seeing friends so they aren’t considerations at the moment anyway.

Bring him to yours and if his chats with his dad haven’t worked then you will need a frank talk to him.

CormoranStrike · 04/05/2020 11:41

I do hVe sympathy for your son, can out be nice, but at the same time he is seventeen not seven.

He could take the bibs out, wipe down the surfaces and clean the fridge.

Unfortunately his dad’s house and you may not change him

lyralalala · 04/05/2020 11:41

He's not that lovely given how he is allowing his son to be treated in his own home.

I'd be strongly encouraging your DS to come and live with you. Especially at the moment when sports clubs and the likes are all closed.

What is the public transport like for college once things are back to normal?

Interested in this thread?

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Connie222 · 04/05/2020 11:42

Sorry, he’s already with you for now. I’d go and pick up the rest of his things and keep it that way.

FourFlapjacksPlease · 04/05/2020 11:48

Why can't your son take the bins out and clean up a bit? At 17 I don't think this is unreasonable. I agree it's not ideal and must be frustrating for him but he is not completely without control.

WobblingMyWigglyBits · 04/05/2020 11:58

I think there must be something wrong in your exes life to be living like that
I'd be concerned about him
Glad your son has an alternative place to live though

Original poster

snappychat · 04/05/2020 12:00

Thank you all.

Actually, I didn’t think of the fact that he can’t go out etc for now so he can stay with me for the foreseeable, I’ll talk to him about that and tell him that’s what we’ll do.

He’s told me he cleans up after himself, both sons have been brought up to do this and do it at mine, but he doesn’t see why he should clean up after everyone else when they’re not prepared to do their fair share, he’s also said that he can go into the kitchen, tidy up, and the day after it’s just as bad, and the amount of what needs doing is too overbearing so he’s almost given up. I’ve suggested he talks to dad about getting a rota going or talking to the others, his dad has tried withi wife and her son and the don’t take anything on board, so he’s given up.

DS was just about to have his driving test before lockdown so that’s first on the list when it’s lifted so at least if he is with me he can drive over there.

I agree on the bit about if he was a lovely guy he would take on board what his DS was saying, if things don’t improve I do need a frank chat. Not an easy one.

Wobbling, that’s actually a good point, that might be the ice breaker when I have the chat

OP posts:

DonnaDarko · 04/05/2020 12:17

Cant believe a couple of responses. f the place is as bad as you say, taking out the bins and cleaning up isn't going to make much of a fucking difference. He would basically be the cleaner for several people.

I would bring him home

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 04/05/2020 12:42

Since he's 17 would it be possible for you to rent him a room or bed sit somewhere near his dads so he stays in the area where he has built his life but has his own clean space?

MilkNoSugars · 04/05/2020 12:50

Your poor DS, that sounds like a horrible place to be living in.

At 17 yes he does need to do some household chores but he's not responsible for tidying up after everyone else and it sounds like there is a serious amount of filth that needs a household effort to sort out.

I agree he should move in with you- college will be online learning for a while and he'll be restricted in seeing friends until lockdown ends anyway.

Original poster

snappychat · 04/05/2020 13:26

Yes Donna, that’s how he feels, just fighting a losing battle as it’s too far gone.

He can’t move out at the moment as he’s still at College, but he’s had the chat with his dad that as soon as he can, that’s his intention, he doesn’t want to but doesn’t want to live like this any longer and his dad doesn’t seem bothered about the mess and is therefore doing nothing about it.

I’ll have a chat with him tonight and see what his thoughts are about staying with me until lockdown is over then we can have a chat with his dad together maybe.

OP posts:

stellabelle · 04/05/2020 13:46

I'd be telling your DS to move back to yours permanently - he'll make new friends soon enough if he starts playing some sport . Is there some reason why he can't move to a college near to you ? Surely there is something that could be done about that - people move house all the time and their kids change to different colleges.

Original poster

snappychat · 05/05/2020 09:24

Just to let you know I had a long chat with DS last night and he’s going to stay with me for the forseeable and then when it’s time to go back to college, which he doesn’t want him to move from as he is doing really well, then I am going to sit down with him and his dad and hopefully try and get things sorted , thanks for all your advice, really helpful and I’ll let you know how the chat with exh goes

OP posts:

Powerplant · 05/05/2020 09:34

Glad to hear your update and hope you can get things sorted for the future

Stronger76 · 05/05/2020 10:08

Does the college have some sort of pastoral person he can approach for support? They may have information on accomodation/rented rooms/supported lodgings that your ds could use next year local to the college. Our local colleges own properties which they rent direct to students whose parents live further away.

JKScot4 · 05/05/2020 10:11

Are you a huge distance from the college? could he not stay at yours and travel to college?
I’m a bit mystified why this was a big mystery to you, simple he stays at your house 🙄

Original poster

snappychat · 05/05/2020 11:38

@Powerplant thank you

@Stronger76 really good idea, will mention that to him, thanks

@JKScot4 On a good day with no traffic it’s a 50 minute drive, so it’s not practical to commute from mine to his college, even with public transport. Not sure what you mean by it being a big mystery?

OP posts:

BlueBooby · 05/05/2020 11:57

Hope you get something sorted op. Moving in with you for now definitely sounds like the best move. Aside from the mess it doesn't sound like a very friendly place to live if his dad's wife and son basically do their own thing all the time!

JKScot4 · 05/05/2020 12:34

Mystery as in you’re posting here about what to do, simple he stays with you.
50min drive / public transport is surely doable, plenty do commute.

Quarantimespringclean · 05/05/2020 12:41

I’m glad he is coming back to yours for the time being. It sounds like an awful way to live.

I don’t know where you are geographically, but a 50 minute journey to college seems perfectly doable to me. We are in outer London and 50 minutes was was my DDs regular commune secondary school and then 6th form college by public transport. When the oldest eventually learned to drive it shortened to about 20/40 minutes depending on traffic.

Lynda07 · 05/05/2020 12:48

You've done the right thing having your boy back with you. When he goes to college, is there any possibility of him having a moped or scooter to travel to and fro? A lot young people do when they start college and a 50min journey is nothing to them, far less than that with a two wheel vehicle. Let's face it, it takes longer than that for many of us to go to work. Think about it and discuss with dad who might (should) be prepared to share the expense. That is of course if your son would like that.

I don't understand why ex husband doesn't get someone in to give the place a clean up once a fortnight, there are plenty of agencies who do that and it doesn't break the bank. Is he happy living with this woman and her son? If not, he could get rid of the pair of them and then all would breathe a sigh of relief. It doesn't make sense that he is so uncaring of his own flesh and blood but it's probably all built up over time and finally overwhelmed him.

EdwinaMay · 05/05/2020 12:50

Does the wife have. A valid visa. Anyone I know with a foreign spouse had to jump through a dozen hoops to get a visa .

Original poster

snappychat · 06/05/2020 12:10

@JKScot4
@Quarantimespringclean I get where you’re coming from and I would prefer him to stay with me, the 50 journey is not practical on public transport as he’d have to catch 2 buses and a train, i work so couldn’t drive him, though he is learning to drive so as soon as he passes his test he could then drive it.

@Lynda07l I am going to suggest he get somebody in to help with the cleanup to get him going and no, he’s told our sons that he is not happy with his wife and her son and the way they behave in the house and don’t interact but he’s struggling to deal with it now she’s here as she doesn’t take on board anything he says, my attitude is bloody well sit her down and sort it, there’s no way I’d have a partner in my house if they didn’t accept my children and embrace our family life.

@EdwinaMay Yes the wife has a valid Visa it took about a year to sort. Spoken to my sons about how they all function in the house together and he said that she absolutely does not speak to them if she doesn’t have to and hasn’t embraced learning to speak our language either, just really sad ☹️

OP posts:

Maybelatte · 06/05/2020 12:19

I mean, he’s 17 not 7 so he could do the cleaning himself. I lived alone at 17 and managed to keep the house tidy.

Original poster

snappychat · 06/05/2020 12:31

@Maybelatte hence why he wants to move out, so he can live in a clean environment. I did say in a pp that my son does his own tidying up when cooked, does all his own cooking, keeps his room tidy etc, but why should he clean up after other people when they are not willing to clean up after themselves, I wouldn't. Typical example they cook a big pan of rice leave half of it in the pan, leave dirty plates on worktops, then it just sits there for someone else to sort, they just don't think they need to clean up after themselves, then after a couple of days or so, the ex does it. probably why they leave it, knowing someone else will do it eventually

OP posts:

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