Adoption and Rape/Abortion - Potential Trigger Warning

[LegalNim]

My husband and I have begun the process to adopt a child. I understand that it's quite an invasive process and that they need to know a lot about us.
There is one particular incident that I don't really want to tell them about or discuss and I'm wondering whether I should. Advice is that we should be honest and open but that doesn't necessarily mean that we need to tell them everything so I'm a bit unsure.
Between the age of 12 and 14, I was raped numerous times by a family member by marriage (who was in their late 20s at the time). I didn't tell anyone and have only ever told my husband. I visited the hospital on one occasion due to injuries he'd inflicted with a knife but managed to dispel any concerns of abuse. The abuse ended when I fell pregnant (contraception was not used) and I had an abortion.
As it was never reported to the police, the only people who know are myself, my husband and the rapist (I assume he hasn't told anyone). The marriage that linked him to my family has now dissolved (the family member married to him died) and there is zero contact whatsoever between him and my family. I have only seen him once in the last eight years, which was four years ago at the funeral and we did not speak.
I'm perfectly stable in my wellbeing and secure in my decisions and how I handled the situation given the flaws of being young and naive. I do wish that the doctors or my teachers or other professionals had noticed and raised the signs (that seem very clear to me but obviously weren't clear from the outside) but I obviously hold no resentment or anger that they aren't psychic.
My question is whether this is something that needs to be discussed with my social worker? There is absolutely not enough evidence for a conviction of any kind so it would be completely absurd to make a police report and that would be very stressful for me. Would they be able to see that I had an abortion on my medical record? Do they have access to my full medical record is it just a current medical check?

I don't know about your medical record but you really should disclose this, yes.

Thanks @CodenameVillanelle Do you know if they'll have to report to the police as obviously there's very limited evidence and so any proceedings would be a waste of time and money for police and CPS.

Not at all! However for an adoption assessment information like this should be disclosed. They will keep it confidential- you don't need to share the name or specific relation to you.

I’m so sorry thdt happened to you. You need to tell them. But they will not take it any further in terms of police.
They need to know because they will want to talk to you about how you coped with this and came through the other side. It shows massive resilience which is a great thing for a potential adopter. But also because some of the children who are waiting for families will be born from a rape and also may well have experienced sexual abuse themselves.
Did you know there is an adoption board on Mumsnet?

As it stands at the moment, no you don't have to disclose it as it's not 'out there'.

However, on a slightly different note have you thought that you are unlikely to be this abusers only victim? He could be very likely to be abusing other children, by not reporting it you are in effect allowing him to continue.

I realise you may feel it's not your responsibility, and that is completely understandable.

The other thing to consider is that you may be offered a child to adopt who has been sexually abused, you need to consider if that would be triggering for you and if you can cope with that without it causing a problem for yourself.

I'm sorry you suffered the abuse and subsequent trauma of a termination at the hands of this abuser

It sounds as if you have processed it and possibly even compartmentalised it very well. Unfortunately you don't know when or what can trigger the undoing of it all in your mind.

Perhaps consider counselling first.

The other thing to consider is that you may be offered a child to adopt who has been sexually abused, you need to consider if that would be triggering for you and if you can cope with that without it causing a problem for yourself

That's why she needs to disclose it. This isn't for her to assess on her own. It would be irresponsible to attempt it.

The only person "allowing him to continue" is the man himself...........the only person the OP is obliged to protect is herself.

Thank you for your responses.
@Ifeel1000yearsold Thank you - I will definitely be using the adoption board on here
@CallMeRachel I absolutely understand your point regarding my responsibility to other potential victims. However, from working in criminal law, I'm very aware that with the evidence I have, nothing can or will be done (and quite rightly because, whilst it is true, I have no evidence other than my word that I was raped). Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do for other potential victims. Perhaps at the time I could have collated sufficient evidence but at the time I wasn't considering any other victims and of course that is something I do feel some guilt over.
I have sought counselling as a matter of course and honestly I'm ok.

Also, for the record, we're applying through Fostering for Adoption so the child will be a few days old and straight from hospital. There won't be any awareness or memory of their abuse. I'm aware that the child may be the product of a rape and how that may affect me but my partner and I are very open with each other and discussed all of this and how it resonates with my past.

You do not have to disclose this, you didn't report it so there will be no trace. You can usually get your full medical records from the GP, at my surgery this costs £50. You could get them and check whether there is mention of the termination. I am not sure I would disclose the rape if I was in your situation, it's hard enough to be approved for adoption. I'm so very sorry this happened to you.
Do you have some time to think both options through?

@Susanna85 Thank you. I know that the termination is on my full medical record as I received it when I was applying for a visa when I lived abroad. I moved to a Muslim country and it caused some difficulty - only allowing me the visa because I was a child when it happened. However, the adoption process requires us to have a health assessment and medical check so I'm just not sure whether that means my full previous medical history or just my current state. I'm also aware that there are plenty of circumstances which result in abortion which aren't protracted episodes of abuse - so I could avoid talking about the rape even if they know about the abortion. However, I'm not prepared to lie to them with some kind of cover story so I'm still a bit torn on what is normal and natural here.

I'm not sure if this will help but it might. When we adopted our son, one of the many, many forms has a section where you tick anything that you feel would be problematic in a child that you could parent.

The list is quite detailed regarding physical disabilities, unknown or known neurological problems, children who have been sexually abused for example.

If you felt that it could be a trigger for you, you can just leave it un ticked. Hope that makes sense. This was 15 years ago but I can't imagine things have changed that much.

I also agree with pp that I wouldn't disclose this information. Where would it end? Everyone would have their whole sexual history 'investigated' if this were the case.

Just my opinion though and good luck x

@Guardsman18 Thank you for your input, it's really appreciated. I don't feel that this would be a trigger for me particularly. I worked for Citizens' Advice and in criminal defence at different times was never triggered by anything. I honestly don't think it affected me too badly - different people are affected by different things, some people are traumatised by relatively minor things and other people go through torture and don't have their mental health impacted. I feel like in some ways having that experience is beneficial, it means I can spot certain signs and understand the dangers. I also think a lot of rape victims think they won't be understood so that's good too. It's something my husband and I will discuss and figure out.

I think you'd know if it was a problem for you. You sound as if you have dealt with it very well. I agree that people deal with things differently and it doesn't always have to 'ruin' ones life. You, having been through something like you have could be seen as a positive; you'd have empathy for a person who'd had bad experiences.

I remember something we had to do in a meeting when we were in the initial process and we were asked to think of the worst, most hurtful thing that had ever happened to you and how you coped. Nobody asked what it was. It was food for thought and made you think how you would deal with any trauma in a child.

I'm probably not the best person to ask but please feel free to ask me anything if you think it will help. It's not always plain sailing but then neither is parenting my birth child!

This may sound a bit harsh and it isn't intended to be, but everything you are posting is focussed on you rather than the child you may be adopting. The child who is placed with you may have a whole array of issues that arise during their lifetime, the stresses and strains that this will put on you and your husband will not be like any other (not to say they will be worse but they will be different). It seems to me to show a lack of duty of care towards your potential child to want to hide something like this which may well have a very significant impact on your parenting. Very very few individuals are able to truly see themselves objectively and that is why professionals are involved in adoptions as your perception that you have dealt with it all and it is no longer an issue may not be shared by professionals. This isn;t about you and what is uncomfortable for you, it is about ensuring the best possible outcome for a child who has already had a challenging start.

As an adopter I would say disclose.
It's important.
You really shouldn't lie by omission to your social worker.
You don't know how you might be triggered later.

LegalNIim - you said 'I feel like in some ways having that experience is beneficial, it means I can spot certain signs and understand the dangers.' To me this is really concerning, you have knowledge and understanding of your experience of sexual abuse, that doesn't give you a universal understanding of the signs and dangers. I admire the fact that you survived something horrendous and have managed to put it behind you, however that doesn't mean you are in any way equipped or skilled to deal with issues in others which may manifest in a totally different way.

@LegalNim

Only your word against his?

What about the medical records that would show the abortion and the knife injuries?

OP I agree with lemonsandlimes123 post of 14:47:05

I also suggest you post on the Adoption board.

Thank you everyone for your help and support. I definitely appreciate your input. The question I was attempting to ask here was a) whether it's something that should or would usually be mentioned as advice is unclear and b) whether this would mean that the police were informed as this would obviously be a waste of time and money.
@popsydoodle4444 Unfortunately, an abortion and an A&E report of an injury over a year apart is no where near enough evidence to convict anyone of anything. They can't prove that the aborted foetus was his, let alone the product of rape. And I have no evidence that the injury was caused by him especially as it wasn't the account given at the time.
To be honest, I am shocked that people think it's selfish to be a parent when you've been a victim of abuse or that abuse victims are innately bad parents because they're unstable and may be triggered at any moment. I've spoken to professionals about my experiences and mental health and they have no concerns - to assume that medical professionals are incorrect and that I am still too dangerous to be a parent is, quite frankly, disgusting.
The idea that you don't know anything about something from going through it is odd. Obviously people are different and react differently but I can't imagine that if a divorcee said they would be able to help you with support going through a divorce then they'd be met with the response that everyone's divorce is differently so they're dangerous for assuming they know something. There are many people here who have offered comment or advice as they're adopters - I wouldn't dream of telling them that they don't know anything about adoption because they've only been through their experience of adoption. As I said, I've worked for Citizens' Advice and in criminal defence. I'm also a qualified teacher. Everyone is different and everyone expresses things differently but it's slightly odd for you (as someone who does not know me) to assume that I know less than the average person about children and abuse on the basis that I went through childhood abuse.

LegalNim

"To be honest, I am shocked that people think it's selfish to be a parent when you've been a victim of abuse or that abuse victims are innately bad parents because they're unstable and may be triggered at any moment."

Literally no one has said that. What people have pointed out is that you may be triggered and that it may be an issue and to hide the issue from the social workers is not advisable. The fact that you have read it that way suggests that you are still thinking the focus is all about you as a person rather than the impact that these experiences may have on your ability to parent. Many children who are adopted require better than average parenting and that is a huge ask for anyone.

I've spoken to professionals about my experiences and mental health and they have no concerns - to assume that medical professionals are incorrect and that I am still too dangerous to be a parent is, quite frankly, disgusting.

Again this is total projection on your part. If the medical professionals are all agreed then great, share this information with social care so they can have it as part of their decision making process. No one has said you are too dangerous to be a parent.

'As I said, I've worked for Citizens' Advice and in criminal defence. I'm also a qualified teacher. Everyone is different and everyone expresses things differently but it's slightly odd for you (as someone who does not know me) to assume that I know less than the average person about children and abuse on the basis that I went through childhood abuse.'

Again no one has suggested you know less than the average person but being a victim/survivor means that you have enormous knowledge and experience of your experience on a subjective level same as a divorcee has an experience of their divorce. But I wouldn't consider going around and offering to handle people divorces for them just because I had been divorced. The vast majority of parents are not child sexual abuse experts and there is no reason why you should be, I was simply pointing out that it is important not to assume that having a subjective experience of something will necessarily equip you to understand or support others in that situation. You may be brilliant at it but all I am saying is it is not a given.

To be honest, I am shocked that people think it's selfish to be a parent when you've been a victim of abuse or that abuse victims are innately bad parents because they're unstable and may be triggered at any moment. I've spoken to professionals about my experiences and mental health and they have no concerns - to assume that medical professionals are incorrect and that I am still too dangerous to be a parent is, quite frankly, disgusting

The adoption assessment is going to ask you MUCH more personal and provoking questions than we have here. If this thread has provoked such a strong defensive reaction I would respectfully say you may not be ready for an adoption assessment. They can be brutal.

It happened so long ago . That they will just roll their eyes and throw it in the file to trash can . Sorry but that’s my personal experience. Caused only humiliation for myself. Nobody believed me nobody because it happened so long ago they figured I made it up whether there was medical files or not you know people believe what they want and pretty much they are try to have reasons to protect the weirdo for some reason use the weirdo is the one with the bright personality the sociopath that that they can talk to anybody and you feel like you’ve known him your whole life in five minutes and if you say something, they look at you like you’re awful because you don’t know how to have a personality from abuse that’s my story anyway I don’t know if this ties it in anyway with what you experience but I have a hard time, knowing people, trusting people believing becoming friends very fast anything whether it’s somebody that should be close to me because of betrayal or somebody I don’t know because I’m scared I wish you love and I wish that we could change this chain in the world but wishes just stay wishes dreams just dreams personally I’ve already heard enough sometimes I think but I’m such a chickenshit. You know how I would love to just see their whole body in thousands of pieces you know what I’m saying but I’ve never told anybody that so I hope I’m anonymous and they keep winning winning winning. You know they’ve taken my money in my house everything on top of it because I was so vulnerable so gullible this stuff started younger and they don’t stop. They abused me for over 24 years and they have not. They have my own personal kids my grandkids hating me while they are taking everything and they act angry for 25 years that only shows me that that that is the cover-up who the hell can be like they have no reason to be violent you know because they were the one that was a perpetrator. I am the woman they are the man and that I know sometimes it’s turned around I don’t know. I’m not having no you know prejudice on sex or whatever but I just hope you can get your shit going and if you can you go, you go all the way and don’t stop but for me it’s just closed doors you know hallways that lead to nowhere you know tops and dreams that are just broken and even having a chance for the enthusiasm he’s just blown out before I can even smile and assume you know not trying to hate. I just wanna be left alone. I just want my family to love me I mean we’re not even married or nothing and they just they climb up his ass. They have empathy for that motherfucker and not me because of this shining drunk drug addict personality it’s it’s like evil lives. It is so much longer and I don’t wanna be on that side sometimes I’ve only actually we can do so much that I almost just wanted to just start rebelling and hating and you know not caring but I’m a chicken shit. I’m a chicken shit. I guess I guess it just so I have to do what I have to do and that should be alone be sad and miserable and know the truth the one who knows the truth and he knows the truth too just like you said I believe in you I do and I don’t even know you, but I honestly believe in you if you can do this talk to the police and the authorities if you can, you know what that’s SOB he deserves way way more than Anything that they would do if they’ll do anything at all cause I’ve had no satisfaction at all nothing you know if you can’t girl, I would love to just know inside the victory that somebody else did you know for their own self-esteem too for what is right without getting blocked and knock down and make them damn people know you know because it changes your personality in your life then people just assume you’re a weirdo where they can run over you And that’s how it starts seeming you don’t like a domino effect it really does because then I’ve been so sad most of my all these years I don’t know how to bullshit people and act like I’m happy when I’m not you know I literally literally let him smash me like he’s putting a cigarette out And you know what somebody told me I allowed it. I didn’t know I was, but I guess I did.

This is completely unhelpful and wrongly placing responsibility on the OP for the abusers behaviour. It is dangerous to be spouting this narrative and victim- blaming. Your response also shows naivety in regards to what reporting entails, the low success rates of conviction and how massively re-traumatising the whole process is. Until the systemic issues around reporting rape are addressed it tends to be safer for victims not to report in many cases, as it just causes further trauma.