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Original poster

Can you change yourself?

43 replies

WelcomeToTheNorth · 04/05/2020 01:31

I don’t like myself. I don’t like that I am negative. I don’t like that I’m literally the only person I know who hates and cringes at the clap for cares thing in a Thursday. I don’t like that I don’t like my in-laws even though they’re perfectly decent people. I don’t like that I am shy and socially awkward and that I talk too much.

I don’t know how to change it. I feel like taking my girls and running for the hills and starting it all again.

OP posts:
frenchfancy81 · 04/05/2020 01:35

Hello!
You seem to have a very good, clear idea of what you'd like ti change so yes- I truly think you can!
And, if you'd like someone to buddy up with on this journey (through email or on here!) I'll join you, as there are things I'd certainly like to work on x

frenchfancy81 · 04/05/2020 01:36

*to

Gettingveryfat · 04/05/2020 01:36

You can change yourself. Say positive things to yourself, think nice thoughts. Do you find it hard to be “glad”? Start small, ie I am just enough, I am good enough at being just enough. I start each day thinking that I’m amazing (I suffer from low self-esteem so this is a big step for me) and it makes me laugh because part of me knows it isn’t true and that part laughs at my lie. And my other half knows that it IS true and I am, actually, bloody amazing.

And so are you. Flowers

Original poster
WelcomeToTheNorth · 04/05/2020 01:36

I just don’t feel I am a nice or a good person.

OP posts:
Original poster
WelcomeToTheNorth · 04/05/2020 01:37

Thank you

OP posts:
Thepigeonsarecoming · 04/05/2020 01:38

Yes it’s called Transfiguration, but you’d need to be invited to Hogwarts. Not something a muggle can do easily

Gettingveryfat · 04/05/2020 01:41

Neither do I and I’ve finally accepted it. A) yes it IS them, not me and B) so, I’m not a nice person? Good, I won’t allow people to walk all over me any more.

I think you sound very down. How long have you been feeling like this? You sound as though you do need a break in the hills to walk, clear your head and get some fresh air. The fact that we can’t at the moment isn’t helping.

Gettingveryfat · 04/05/2020 01:43

Now then, OP, I bet you’re thinking what a twattish comment about Transfiguration and then feeling guilt about thinking that. Nope. Don’t take on those feelings. It was a twattish comment.

Original poster
WelcomeToTheNorth · 04/05/2020 01:44

I am feeling very down. I’m not in a good place tonight. I’ve been feeling like this for a long time but recently I’ve caught myself just letting my mouth run (I dunno if it’s lockdown or what) and I just hate myself and the stupid shit I say/think.

Like what is wrong with me that I can’t go out there and clap? Why can’t I let myself like my in laws?

OP posts:
Original poster
WelcomeToTheNorth · 04/05/2020 01:44

I like you, getting Grin

OP posts:
Gettingveryfat · 04/05/2020 01:50

Thank you! A lot of people don’t in RL.

You don’t clap because you know that the people who you are clapping for can’t hear you. No one else will admit it and it has turned into virtue signalling. You know that you’d rather donate to a charity anonymously rather than banging a saucepan with a spoon.

You don’t like your in-laws because they are not your own parents and there is an invisible wall. You are seeing them as they are today whereas your OH has many years of history with them and can forgive their foibles. You can try and change your viewpoint to a) I’m glad they are not my parents b) I’m glad we are only staying 3 nights c) I’m glad they are nice to the kids d) etc

Thepigeonsarecoming · 04/05/2020 01:54

@Gettingveryfat it was a joke, as in we are just human and can’t change the way we are! But maybe you are also striking a point if jokes can no longer be accepted as something other than a negative. Some people just try something lighthearted

Gettingveryfat · 04/05/2020 01:54

Anyway, sadly I have to go to bed.

Do you think aloud and then you find yourself saying something that you know you shouldn’t (after the event)? That’s a hard one. The only thing I can suggest is to tip things in their head. Something to work on tomorrow/today.

Bed time- for you as well Grin

bottleofbeer · 04/05/2020 02:20

You're born with traits (look up the big five) and no, you can't really change them.

You can change behaviour though. The traits are YOU. They don't need to define you.

SkiingIsHeaven · 04/05/2020 02:54

You can change.

I was just like you. I felt myself getting really bitter and twisted.

I was talking to someone about it and they said 'as you get older you become like red wine. You can be mature and mellow or you can turn into vinegar. You need to choose which one you want to be'

Now when I say or think a bad thing, I say or think a positive thing about the situation. It seems to counteract the bad.

Over time I am feeling more positive in general because I don't automatically go for the negative comment.

It takes a lot of training but I feel like a better, nicer person now.

Hopefully I am a fine wine now.

Good luck.

Thepigeonsarecoming · 04/05/2020 02:59

@SkiingIsHeaven that’s a lovely way to put it, well done to you!

Reginabambina · 04/05/2020 03:41

Read ‘How to make friends and influence people’. It will help with you social awkwardness and if you truly take it on board will also make you a nicer person.

daisy112 · 04/05/2020 04:06

I could've written your post myself!

I tend to be a little on the negative side, I think the clapping thing is ridiculous & I also, at times, really dislike my in laws. I am also shy and socially awkward. I die in a room full of people and lose the ability to speak and often say stupid things because of being so socially awkward. However I don't dislike myself.

We are who we are. Not everyone is brilliant in social situations, it's ok to have a different opinion to lots of other people (eg the NHS clapping), it's ok to dislike your in laws etc. It's ok to be who you are. People are all different, but obviously you feel unhappy with who you are and I haven't got any useful advice on that, but just wanted to say you are not alone in your feelings x

Cressless · 04/05/2020 05:58

Honestly, OP, are you new to Mn? I would say that not doing the NHS clap, being socially awkward and disliking your ILS were practically conditions for membership! You may not like these traits, but they’re pretty widespread...

Megatron · 04/05/2020 06:36

I took the transfiguration comment as a joke @Gettingveryfat, not a twatty comment.

No one else will admit it and it has turned into virtue signalling.

The clapping? There have been so many threads about people saying they don't do this, many many people have 'admitted' it. Not that's there's anything to admit. It's not mandatory. I don't do it because I believe that it's turned very quickly into a competition between neighbours rather than anything else. One of my neighbours is out there every week clapping like a seal and posting about saving the NHS while having folk round their house regularly. It's the hypocrisy I can't stand.

OP, being negative does not mean you're not a nice person, these two factors don't need to be connected. I think that sometimes negativity is a habit. I get like that sometimes then end up pissing myself off and consciously making an effort to be more positive because that's what makes me feel better. Yesterday I was whinging about being bored and I was feeling pretty down about the current situation (like lots of us). I started to think of some positives and they by far outweighed the negatives so decided to put my thoughts and energy into them instead.

With regards your in laws, I kind of get this one too. I didn't have a great relationship with my MIL until a few years ago because I realised that I was pretty harsh on her for the littlest things. I expected her to piss me off so looked for things to be pissed off about if that makes sense? I know I was being unfair so I put the effort in to see that she was trying her best, but I wasn't. She still gets on my nerves sometimes (I'm sure I get on hers too) but we get along just fine now.

If you want to change how you're feeling you need to accept it for what it is and try to change it by being aware of it when it happens. Then you can change it.

Original poster
WelcomeToTheNorth · 04/05/2020 06:49

I feel sad about my in-laws because we were so close before DD1 was born. I have no idea why it changed or why they started to annoy me. I can’t work it out.

OP posts:
Koddii · 04/05/2020 06:50

I didnt clap for the first 3 weeks. I am shy, socially awkward, didn't like the thought of going out there to clap. I started to feel very negative about myself for not being able to do it. On the fourth week I decided I would do it just for that week. And it was fine. I have been doing it every week since then and now I think of it as a positive thing and can understand why people want to do it.

So yes, we can take small steps to change the things we want to change. But you definitely should not clap if you don't want to. Most people where I live don't. Deep down I wanted to, it was my shyness stopping me.

Original poster
WelcomeToTheNorth · 04/05/2020 06:56

It’s not that I don’t feel it re the clapping thing. I love the NHS.

But one of my neighbours stands under DD’s bedroom window (when she’s asleep or trying to sleep) banging on a pot. It just makes me feel contempt to be honest. Like I just want to roll my eyes.

I’ve done it once. I found it embarrassing and cringe. I did it because my neighbour across the street told me a few people were asking why we weren’t out 😬 which feeds into the narrative of why I hate it all.

Like the poppies really. Should be voluntary but just aren’t these days. I feel like it’s all virtue signalling crap.

OP posts:
Megatron · 04/05/2020 06:59

@WelcomeToTheNorth well in my situation it was partly because MIL was so obsessed with DS and partly because I was so possessive over him, if I'm honest. I felt like I had to fight for my space as his mum whenever she was round. Then I realised that she just loved him and that actually I was making myself miserable. So what if she wanted to be the one to hold him constantly a couple of times a week when she came round? It gave me a break.

I felt she didn't listen and would buy him things I didn't really want, but again she was just trying to do something for him. As he got older I didn't like that she would give him chocolate and sweets when I took him over there but actually it doesn't matter. It's a very small treat a couple of times a week and no big deal, if it really was I would say something. What I mean is that when I chilled out about it all, it changed for the better so the problem was more me than her. DS is 16 now and loves the bones of his grandma so I'm glad I didn't make it difficult for them to have a decent relationship. I know I nearly did and that bothers me.

Megatron · 04/05/2020 07:02

It’s not that I don’t feel it re the clapping thing. I love the NHS.

That's how I feel, I love the NHS too, I don't need to clap to prove that. I HIGHLY doubt your neighbours asked why you weren't out, it's far more likely that your neighbour across the street totally made that up because THEY thought you should be out. I don't care what my neighbours think about it, it's nothing to do with them what I do. Don't let other people make you feel bad.