Can you change yourself?

[WelcomeToTheNorth]

I don’t like myself. I don’t like that I am negative. I don’t like that I’m literally the only person I know who hates and cringes at the clap for cares thing in a Thursday. I don’t like that I don’t like my in-laws even though they’re perfectly decent people. I don’t like that I am shy and socially awkward and that I talk too much.

I don’t know how to change it. I feel like taking my girls and running for the hills and starting it all again.

Thanks Megatron

I think I’m going to have to do the conscious effort thing. I think it’s resentment that my parents live further away (and to be honest while they are supportive they never visit and it’s always on us). I married someone from a city two hours away. I got a job there. We always intended to move through nearer my parents but it just never happened and now DD1 is in school and loves it and I don’t want to take her away now.

None of this is in-laws fault of course. It’s almost like I didn’t want them being to close to the girls because they would usurp my parents in a way. But that’s not reasonable or logical.

Tbh you shouldn't have to. You are you , an individual, embrace your uniqueness . If you don't want to clap, don't do it . It's not a law , who cares who's out there looking to see what neighbours are doing it. You said you appreciate what NHS workers are doing .
Also don't get caught up in thinking you are a good person or a bad person , you are going through life at a difficult time ( as are we all ) and if that makes you grumpy , then so what ?

None of this is in-laws fault of course. It’s almost like I didn’t want them being to close to the girls because they would usurp my parents in a way. But that’s not reasonable or logical.

This is identical to how I felt. My parents were 400 miles away (though they did visit) and I moved to be with DH so I was finding my feet. None of it was MILs fault, she was trying to make me feel 'at home' and help me but I think I mistook it as trying to usurp my own mum. And no it's not reasonal or logical bit it's how I felt at the time. Fast forward a few years now and I'm so glad I had a word with myself. My parents are no longer here, nor is FIL, so I'm glad I have a decent relationship with MIL now for her sake as well as mine.

I think I share a lot of these traits TBH. I made the decision to keep most of my negative thoughts to myself and it did seem to help a bit. It's obviously easier at times when you have both positive and negative thoughts rather than all negative.

I'm cynical about the "be yourself" philosophy sometimes. I mean you can't be someone else but I think some people do have to tone their personalities down to be more liked.

You have horrible neighbours. I definitely wouldnt want to clap if I had neighbours like yours.

I don’t really know them part from the girl across the street.

OP you are not alone, I feel exactly the same as you. I was speaking to Someone I work with about this once and she told me that it's great that I am aware of myself and I know I am like this. That really changed how I felt about myself. It's not like I'm an arsehole but think I'm really lovely. I'm very accepting of who I am, whether I like myself or not.

Do you have many friends?

No. I have a small number of good friends. To be honest I am close to my sisters and so have never really seen the need for friends.

I have been like this as long as I can remember. Even in school I always sat outside the main group feeling contemptuous of them. I don’t want to feel so bitter about everything any more. What sort of way is that to be?

I understand, I really do. I want to change as well but everything just irritates me and I can't be happy for anyone

My husband said to me recently “you’ll only ever say that you love me when I say it first. I know you do, so why is that?” And I think I can’t say it. It feels weird. God I’m horrible.

Do you subconsciously feel like you are better than them? Because they're all doing the same thing and you aren't?

Were your parents very supportive of you but also very vocal in celebrating difference/going against the common herd, by any chance?

The being contemptuous of groups/communal events rings a bell with me. My parents had some friends who were very very into raising unique children who didn't follow the herd (my parents were too, but not to the same extent) these friends would be very very negative over eg Disney, would scoff at anything popular no matter what it was (some things are popular for a reason!)

Their children have found adulthood really difficult actually, because they were somehow expecting all this special uniqueness to translate into exciting and unusual lives, but actually apart from a few slightly uncommon hobbies their lives look much the same as everyone else's, the difference being that they now struggle to connect with colleagues/their community and can't shake the idea that they are different/everyone else are boring sheeple

At some level you must think you're superior to people, in order to feel contempt towards them, yet at the same time your self esteem is low. That's a really tricky combination, and it will indeed make you miserable if you let it

I don’t feel any sense of superiority. Not consciously anyway. It’s like I just don’t “get it”.
My parents were quite the opposite of what you describe, particularly my mum. She’s a positive sociable person who doesn’t really understand my negativity. My dad is a little more reserved but I wouldn’t say overtly negative.

The only thing that sounds 'wrong' with you is your dislike of yourself, OP. That you are irritated by your ILs and would like your parents to see you more, don't do the NHS clap, don't like the semi-enforcement of poppies, and aren't a 'joiner' aren't bad things. Your husband is sure of your love for him, even if you don't express it spontaneously. You have sisters you are close to, and close friends, and daughters you clearly love.

What exactly is it that you are 'bitter' about? And on these occasions when you say you 'let your mouth run', what is it that you are saying that makes you so dissatisfied with yourself? Who are you comparing yourself to? What makes you think you should be banging saucepans with hysterical sincerity on Thursday nights, and the life and soul of every social situation? You sound fine as you are, apart from your unhappiness with yourself.

I am simply wondering from your posts whether your life is currently being disappointing or dull. Might it not be that other things are making you negative, not some inner unalterable trait? Are there things you could change which would make you happier?

(For instance, DH and I moved countries at Christmas, just because we wanted to -- despite it taking our 7 year old away from the only place he remembers and all his friends, and the school he loved. He's adjusted, and is happy, and I'm far, far happier here. And I am not a joiner or a 'nice' person. I wouldn't dream of wearing a poppy or clapping for the NHS. I thought the majority of the people I went to school with (aeons ago) were morons. I don't think any of this makes me a bad or bitter person. I think I deserve to be happy, and to alter my life and my family's life within reason to achieve that.)

OP, you might be interested in the book ‘Mindset’ by Carol Dweck - she’s a psychologist who writes about the fixed vs. the growth mindset. Her main themes are around learning and building resilience, but the upshot of her work is that we are able to change the way we look at things through practice. She admits that it isn’t easy, but shows that our potential to change is much greater than we’ve previously thought.

NB - like others I think YANBU in some of the views you’re worried about! Rather than becoming ‘nicer’ the reframing/rewiring that you do could be about the way you see yourself - e.g. you could feel more confident in your judgement and less effected by others’ views if you rather than thinking you should change your own actual behaviour or opinions.

@DukeOfEarlGrey I have read this book and completely agree that it is worth the read

I think so. I hope so!

I am trying to keep positive. Living with mentally ill flat 'mate'. Feeling quite stressed. Is cheaper than anywhere else and I do not work all the time so I cannot move out, even if I tried at the moment. My hair is falling out quite a lot. I think this must be stress. But I keep trying to be positive (at least at the moment I am working, covering for colleague who had the virus). And at least I am not married/partner of said misogynistic, narcisstic , paranoid fecker.

Whenever I am down about anything I always realise I am a lot better off than some people.

You don't need to change you just sound depressed. You won't be un-depressed over night. A counselor would be good if you can afford one, they are doing video chats during this virus. But that still won't make it an overnight process. Arrange it fortnightly or monthly depending on finances. If you just can't afford it try the following:
Practice mindfulness (look it up)
Practice thankfulness (this will possibly be very useful for you)
Soul search, which you've started doing by opening up this thread, but write all your thoughts down so you can make sense of them.
Try and find the inner person you think you've lost, do the things you used to do which made you happy.

@WelcomeToTheNorth how are you?x