the things I can't say to my 5yo

[majesticallyawkward]

I've spent an hour making a cardboard boat, cardboard fish and fishing rods with magnets because the 5yo wanted it... I suggested she could decorate her boat, name it maybe.

Nope.

Handed over the cardboard fishing rod to play fishing.

Instantly cried because the seahorse is the wrong colour and the fish is a boy one (how tf anyone can tell what sex a cardboard fish with no genitals is I don't know).

Stomped off only to return with 'fine, I'll play'

Well excuse me kid, this isn't how I wanted to spend my day!

10 minutes of play that got us. 10 fucking minutes.

Dh is setting up a board game for them to play now while I put the baby down for a nap and I can already hear complaining.

Why, oh why is everything an argument?! Fuck sake. This conversation happened yesterday:
5yo :'Is this my right hand?'

Me: 'No it's your left'

'IT IS NOT ITS MY RIGHT HAND! YOU CAN'T TELL ME!'

Well you fucking asked! Right and left don't change person to person and you can shout all you want about it, it's doesn't change right from shitting left!

Where's the rum?

How are you still standing @ooonicorn ?! Everything is easier to deal with when you've eaten. Now I'm not saying I sat the baby in a plastic box with cushions and toys around him and put a tv show on for the 5yo so I could eat chocolate alone... but it works.

Argh the birthday debate. 'Mummy for my birthday party I want '

'i don't think there will be a party this year sweetie' because her birthday is very soon (she's actually 4 now but turns 5 in a few weeks) so no chance of a party.

'WHY DO YOU NOT LOVE ME?! IF I DON'T GET A PARTY MY BIRTHDAY WILL BE RUINED! will get a party!'

Because of course all of this is under my control and solely to spoil her birthday. And brother probably won't, seeing as he will be 1 and doesn't know what a birthday is.

DS also had a tantrum this afternoon because Daddy wouldn't let him build a den on the sofa while we were trying to FaceTime with granny, while we were sitting on said sofa. And because a wasp wasn't a honey bee. And because the cardboard pirate ship I built him (on day 1 of lockdown) is broken because he jumped on it. I need more wine.

I agree @ooonicorn, you must eat. And eating is the way I deal with the horrors of these kids, my body could do with a day like yours to be fair.

Oh no, @majesticallyawkward, I pity you with the imminent birthday. That’s why we did the god forsaken party today, because I felt sorry for her being sad of how many of her friends parties she will miss in lockdown. If her own was interfered with she would be completely insufferable

@majesticallyawkward I feel your pain, we have rashly promised a party when lockdown is over...

There was an idea floated before the school closed that we'd do a joint party for the kids who's birthdays were missed. I'm kind of hoping that goes ahead so I don't have to attend 10 parties 😂 Also there was a suggestion it's at a place that has a bar so I'm all in.

Those tantrums sound familiar @VelociraptorRex the things she's booted off over are ridiculous. the baby looked at her funny, the cat was too black, her book was the wrong kind of paper...

It’s NOT FAIR YOU OWN HALF THE HOUSE DADDY OWNS THE OTHER HOUSE WHY DONT I OWN ANY HOUSE????

*half obv. Frankly if we had two houses I’d gift one to him and he could live there... (joke obv...)

@majesticallyawkward yup, this morning I got "what sort of strawberry jam is this? It's not real strawberry jam!" He doesn't like strawberry jam, but insisted that's what he wanted for breakfast. And then wanted chocolate instead, because "that's allowed for breakfast mummy".
I blamed the chocolate-shaped void on DP

Hahaha this was me, sometimes still is, but my kids are older.
And I hate the pre packaged craft sets, they look good on the box but are so fiddly and s#£te.
I used to hate tech and screen time for kids but in this situation it's a lifeline.
Yes you can play Xbox all day, if I attempt to do craft sets I just end up doing them alone because they f£##ed off to play Xbox.
But your post made me laugh because, reminded me how annoying 5 year olds are!

@AppleKatie we're renovating one at the moment and it has no bathroom, kitchen or electricity, and has fungi growing in the ceilings, but I'm sorely tempted to offer it to DP as his living quarters until after lockdown... but that would leave me with the 4YO dictator 24/7 so maybe not.

I have found my people.

Ds who is 5 is the most dramatic wotsits ever! Lockdown has broken him!!

The whole him directing play is very irritating, and it makes me not want to play with him ever

He has become a diva, doesn't get his own way or god forbid we have to pause the tv, or he can't find something directly in front of his face! Then he wails and drops to the floor or sofa "crying" its gone forever!!! In very exaggerated tones.

And he gets cross and tells me off for calling him dramatic.

The narration of everything is also quite annoying 😂

Aah fellow sufferers.

We have a stupid plastic dog ( fisher price) my mum picked up in a charity shop.
It is in the house 4 fucking years and the 5yo gas barely glanced at it.
Just turned 2yo loves pulling it by the string
5yo decides it is her favourite toy ever and grabs it off her.
Qué hysteria.

Repeat 5 times a day.
Dh threw it out in the garden yesterday. Both bawling.

We told him he could buy a whole house when he is a grown up and we will come and scream in it at random time’s for him.

‘Is that supposed to cheer me up’ he thundered

‘Not really 🤣’ we replied.

Sometimes facetiousness is the only thing that helps (us- I’m not sure it’s possible to help a 5 year old in a mood like this)

I'm currently wondering whether trying for another one was our best plan

Everyone my daughter is like this and she's only turning 3 in June! Help!!

I think we have the same 5 year old. Dp thinks he's had it tough and we've barely seen him for 2 weeks due to him doing out the attic.. I basically begged him to let me help but no, someone has to stay with my usually awesome but recently severely whingy, moany, tantrumy, answer backy 5 year old. Ffs.

I love her to pieces but fuck me sideways.

I am loving these replies, I feel a bit less alone. I have a lot of smug Facebook friends posting all the lovely educational activities they are doing with their kids. I'm taking it all with a pinch of salt and a fucking great glass of wine!

Dd is 4 years old but the attitude on her is amazing. Yesterday she would only answer to 'your majesty'.

And yes, the more effort I put into an activity the less time she spends doing it! And do you know what she has enjoyed doing the most today??? Washing the patio using the shitty water that has collected on the patio furniture, a water pistol and a cloth.

The role play games are the bain of my life. I love that she has such a good imagination and want to encourage that... but oh my fucking God. If you don't repeat exactly what she tells you when she tells you, she loses her shit! And god forbid you ad lib...

@MasterBruceBalloon it just carries on... I'm told it stops eventually but not sure when.

My dd at 3 was a proper diva! I think there was a brief window at about 3 1/2 where she was lovely so we tried for a second... then she turned on us again. The lockdown has amplified it, and somehow made her 5000% louder.

Feck, ds is 18. He has had a craving for pancakes(American ones with maple syrup) for weeks. I hardly ever make stuff like that. Today, i made the batter, put out blueberries and a jar of maple syrup. Award myself mother of the year award and wait. DS gets up and heads for fridge. "I've done blueberry pancakes for breakfast" says I, proudly. He backs out of fridge with a piece of cold left over pizza in his mouth and says" Nah, dont feel like pancakes. Having pizza".
I swear if lockdown doesnt end soon....

I am so happy that other kids do this shit play where you have to repeat exactly what they say! I honestly thought my kid was broken!

@Florencenotflo 'your majesty' 😂😂 I love her style! I truly believe those smug fb posters take a few pictures when there is calm to post and the rest of their day is just as shitty but they won't admit it. I know a few like this personally, all wholesome family time on SM but actually their kids are little turds most of the time. I feel a bit sorry for those parents that they feel they have to keep this charade up.

I am so happy that other kids do this shit play where you have to repeat exactly what they say! I honestly thought my kid was broken!

Constantly. In fact I won't even go there anymore. I'll do anything else, baking, crafting, tag, whatever it is but I will not play with toys any more... And you know what else, I'm not even sorry.

Omg - the constant narrative of pretend play where it takes longer to explain what I am meant to be doing so i switch off and then do it wrong so we have to start the explanation again.
I have spent the last 2 years trying to explain that she has to let people play their own part because no-one will want to play which is dictated to them to no avail. She wonders why people at school say no when she asks them to play 😂😂😂 at least they have a choice

Rainbow cake was ok - 4 parts so 2 each although bedtime reason to pack a bag to leave home tonight was that I said to her older sister have one more stir of the icing then it's dd1's turn & she had about 5 so she was being left out......
Bless her at least she's cute and sleeps late😍

So today we tried neglectful parenting. We got on with a job in the garden. The kids could help, or occupy themselves. 1 hour of screen time max.

It was a revelation. They played beautifully, helped out and created their own fun racing cars down old gutters.

Actually, I lie. They argued about everything, the toddler had frequent meltdowns and took her nappy off to poo under the picnic table. The 7yo fell over twice and spent most of the day screaming “go away” and the 10yo was in a massive huff because....

Back to the screens.

I would definitely pull up on attitude. An age appropriate conversation about reactions when someone has really tried to do something nice for them and how it makes you feel when they react like this. I endured many fits of unreasonable rage when DD was this age. I did my best to explain it out and it really did help.

Oh, I've found my people. My 6yo (lockdown birthday last week, promised giant party with her classmates when this is all over) spent today following me around saying she doesn't know what to do and asking if she can help me, whatever I happened to be doing. Given I spent most of today cleaning, cooking, chopping things with sharp knives and sewing on a very fast machine, the answer was generally no. So she sat and stared at me and sighed. She would not be out of place in a dramatic novel. She must also articulate every thought that passes through her head. And likes to ignore her 8yo brother, but loses her SHIT if anyone doesn't respond to her in 0.34 seconds. At one point today I told them I didn't want to hear either of their names ever again because they'd been shouting to and ignoring each other for about 15 minutes.