"A loss is a loss" *Trigger warning: miscarriage*

[mayoral]

Just scrolling Instagram and an insta mum posted about losing a twin in her pregnancy (doesn't say at what week). She mentions losing a baby is the same at 6 weeks, 16 weeks, or birth.

Whilst every woman's feelings are valid, having a stillborn baby or a late loss where you have to give birth to a baby with all their limbs formed, hair growing on their heads etc., is absolutely NOT the same thing as an early miscarriage.

I've had both a late loss and had to name my son, give him a burial and sign his birth and death certificate, and a miscarriage at 9 weeks (no growth since 6 weeks). I can tell you now it's not the same thing. Yes, grief was involved with both but please don't say "a loss is a loss regardless of how many weeks along you were". If you don't agree with me, please tell me why?

No, I don't think it's quite the same thing

She’s grieving and allowed to want people to acknowledge that an early loss is still a loss.
No I don’t think it is the same though. I’ve had a mmc and very early mc. They were hard but having to labour and give birth to a stillborn child must be immeasurably harder.
So sorry for your loss OP.
And for anyone else who has suffered.

I agree, I have had miscarriages, and also 2 of my children have died after they were born.

I saw someone say this somewhere else recently and I thought that they clearly didnt know what they were talking about.

Having a miscarriage isn't the same as having to give birth to your child and then have them cremated or buried. It just isnt.

Sorry you've been there too op, its fucking shit

Of course it's not the same.

I lost a baby at 15 weeks and it was harrowing.
I remember thinking that the only saving grace was that it didn't happen later if it was because something was wrong with the poor child.
I couldn't cope with 20 weeks or further. It was bad enough as it is.

And you can't compare a 6 week loss to a still birth.

That's insulting.

Of course it’s not the same!

Having a miscarriage at just a few weeks isn’t the same as when I had a stillborn baby at 35 weeks, I was told my baby was dead, I then had to deal with childbirth, cuddle my dead child, leave hospital without my baby and then have a funeral for my baby.

Both sad Yes but they are in no way the same, not even close

I agree. It’s understandable to say it but no, a late loss is a million times worse than an early one. I’ve experienced both and decided I wanted my second trimester TFMR to be surgical as I didn’t want the ‘birth’ of that child to take away from the births of my two living children.

It’s not the same. I had two early miscarriages and while they were very upsetting, I don’t for a moment believe what I went through is equivalent to a late miscarriage, stillbirth or TFMR. I don’t feel I lost two ‘babies’ - more like two potential futures, if that makes sense. While that was very sad, it is not the same as losing an actual baby.

Sadly it isn't the same. My baby was a baby, who I birthed and had fingers and ears and my nose. It would have been much easier to cope with had it been blood clots/heavy bleeding. However, I can understand why someone who has never experienced that type of loss would compare the two.

I just don't think you can tell people how to grieve or compare death. For example - I didn't cry or get particularly upset when my grandparents died but I know people who are literally devastated. I have regrets that my sister died aged 38 but she was living a miserable existence and was very seriously unwell with a horrible psychotic illness. I grieved far more for 3 of my miscarriages than the other 2. Loss is loss and one person experiences it differently than an other. Grief and loss are not competitions. Both are completely individual.

I agree with you. I had a very early pregnancy loss and an 18 week mmc. The mmc was horrific but far less so than a stillbirth would have been.

Of course it’s not the same. I’ve had 3 miscarriages, two at 9 weeks one at 7 weeks. While I was very upset, I could not imagine the pain of still birth or miscarrying where I am in this pregnancy at 22 weeks.

But everyone grieves differently.

No I agree OP it’s sad but nowhere near the same and I’ve had several miscarriages.

And I’m so sorry at the loss of your son OP.

I totally agree with bookworm .
I too had an early miscarriage that in the end became complicated , despite this and feeling very sad at the time i never considered my loss the same as a later loss / still birth . I would have felt disrespectful comparing my loss to anyone going through such heartbreak.

I would of had a twin brother but he was miscarried, I have always wondered what our relationship would’ve been like and have grieved for that connection as twins are very connected. I have also had a miscarriage myself which was around 6 weeks I think. It’s still pretty sad for me, however I get quite defensive when people say things like “well it wasn’t a proper baby” it may not have been fully formed but then again it is still part of you, something you have made. That get us would’ve developed into a human being and lived a life, I see it as from the time of conception, it is your child regardless. But for example it is different losing a baby due to having a still birth, or a much older child etc as you get to know them personally and you see them in human form. I think a lot of people see a 6 week miscarriage a lot differently to a still born because of the physically differences however I believe on a spiritual level it is still a life lost. I’m sorry for your loss xx

No of course it isn't the same thing.

Of course it's not the same but I think her point was more along the lines that a loss is painful at any stage of the pregnancy and whether it was six weeks or six month its still the loss of a potential child and all the dreams that went alongside, obviously in different ways depending on the gestation. I had people dismiss my miscarriages as "it was only xx weeks" and "you were barely even pregnant" and "four months is easier than nine months" and so on.

We know all that, Brogley, but it's still not the same.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, OP.

It isn't the same, no, but a person who uses that kind of thinking is trying to recognise the suffering caused by an early loss rather than diminish the grief of a late stillbirth (even if that is the unintended consequence).

However, your post made me think of a very dear friend of mine who has lost several pregnancies, all before 10 weeks, and as a result of further investigations learnt that she has a condition which means that she can never carry a pregnancy any further. She has had real trouble getting others in her life to understand how painful these early losses are because for her they signify her incurable infertility.

I've had two losses

whereas an early loss is totally incompatible with life

That isn't quite true, though. Sometimes a completely healthy embryo will miscarry because there is an issue with the mother's uterus, and she has to come to terms with the fact that the same embryo carried by another woman would have grown to term. That's very difficult to deal with.

Regardless, it's not a competition. I wish it were possible to recognise some people's suffering without making others feel that it undermines theirs but I don't think it is, really.

I've lost 3 pregnancies. Thankfully, number 4 is sleeping soundly upstairs.

I cannot imagine the horror of stillbirth. I don't know how people survive such devastation. The thought makes me feel despair, perhaps because we didn't know number 4 would make it, until she made it, maybe its still a bit raw.

My heart goes out to everyone that has had to experience it.

Sorry for everyone’s losses.

I lost one at 12 weeks.
My bf’s sister at 20 weeks.

She had to go through labour and give birth to a stillborn baby. This was over 20 years ago so I don’t know if things are done the same now, but I can’t begin to imagine what she went through. I grieved for many years for a 12 week baby, probably always will if I’m being honest. But she must have suffered so much more than me. And I can only imagine that losing a child after being alive at birth must be even worse.

It is not fair, or right, to invalidate people's feelings and beliefs.

I had a MMC. It broke me. I had him cremated. I had an absolutely horrendous breakdown.

I have suffered two losses since, one earlier and one later. But the first one broke me and I became exceedingly unwell.

I guess I'm just awful for feeling that way about losing my baby.

No, it's not a stillbirth. I had to have two D+Cs. But the last one, it was natural and I nearly died.

The thing which helped me begin to process my grief better, was a mum who had had her son two months earlier, born sleeping at full term. I didn't think I was allowed to grieve. Because no one would speak to me, I was alone, I'd been abandoned by my husband and left with a one year old.

This selfless woman reached out to me and said she saw my experience as no different to hers at the end of the day.

And then I make the mistake of clicking on this thread.

I am sorry that any baby is lost, at any length of term. It is beyond comprehension, what my friends who experienced full term stillbirth went through and are still going through, years later. But please don't dismiss those of us who had other experiences of baby loss, miscarriage, whatever terms you choose.

Different people are affected differently. Things like this just divide us at a time when we most need to be together.

I’ve had a few very early miscarriages and to be honest (call me heartless) I wasn’t that devastated but I hadn’t been trying for years with no success like others do. I have a friend who has had two 6ish week losses, who also has ongoing fertility problems (been trying for 5/6 years) for whom they were far more tragic. Maybe context does play a part. I do wonder though if all this early testing and knowing at 3/4/5 weeks actually does anyone any favours.