"A loss is a loss" *Trigger warning: miscarriage*

[mayoral]

Just scrolling Instagram and an insta mum posted about losing a twin in her pregnancy (doesn't say at what week). She mentions losing a baby is the same at 6 weeks, 16 weeks, or birth.

Whilst every woman's feelings are valid, having a stillborn baby or a late loss where you have to give birth to a baby with all their limbs formed, hair growing on their heads etc., is absolutely NOT the same thing as an early miscarriage.

I've had both a late loss and had to name my son, give him a burial and sign his birth and death certificate, and a miscarriage at 9 weeks (no growth since 6 weeks). I can tell you now it's not the same thing. Yes, grief was involved with both but please don't say "a loss is a loss regardless of how many weeks along you were". If you don't agree with me, please tell me why?

We know all that, Brogley, but it's still not the same

My opening line of my post was literally "of course it's not the same".

My point was that the sentiment behind this person's post was ill-worded but valid and while the pain of a six week loss is different to the pain of a full term loss it is no less raw and no less real.

Regardless, it's not a competition. I wish it were possible to recognise some people's suffering without making others feel that it undermines theirs but I don't think it is, really.

This exactly. It's not Sadness Top Trumps.

I try not to compare. My daughter died aged 3 months. Is that loss worse and more devastating than a stillbirth? Is the death of a 3 year old worse than the death of a baby? Is the death of a 14 year old worse than the death of a 3yo?

I can only talk for me. The loss of my daughter was a thousand times more devastating than my 6 week miscarriage but for someone else they may be jealous that I got to meet and know and hold my daughter whereas they lost a child they never saw.

Losses are not comparable, not able to be judged as better or worse. All parents who lose children lose a future, a potential. Later loss is more unexpected and shocking mostly, not always. Miscarriage is more common but not necessarily less sad.

I know who you mean. The baby died in second trimester but she is still carrying it as it didn't naturally miscarry and it's too dangerous to do anything. Quite a rare situation but very sad and hard to grieve until it's happened.

I think her point is she's allowed to grieve and feel sad regardless of the age of her baby. It's sort of similar to losing a parent. If you lose them young is that a bigger loss than when you're older and it's expected?

I think everyone is allowed to feel sad about loss.

@ TheDIsiilusionedAnarchist

You captured my feelings on this perfectly

I agree OP. I had a miscarriage at 6w on the same day my friend gave birth to her sleeping 40 weeker. My loss was in no way the same as hers.

No competition or universal spectrum of grief, everyone is entitled to feel just as devastated at a 6 week mc as someone who lost a baby at 18 or 28 weeks. You might not agree with it, which is also fine, but to dismiss someone's grief is a pretty mean (and pointless) thing to do. I remember one colleague's son sadly died at 6 weeks old and another colleague said she could empathise with her as she 'd lost 2 children. She was referring to 2 mc that she'd had at 6 and 9 weeks and I think everyone held their breath as she said it - but to her it genuinely was the same thing. I OTOH had losses at the same time and as heartless as it sounds I wasn't that upset. I was very busy, did not consider them my children yet and had existing children to focus on. Both reactions are valid I think.

I don't agree but everyone is entitled to their own thoughts on the subject, especially if it's happened to them as their grief is all they see

I think everyone is entitled to their own opinion but i really feel that it helps no one by playing the whos grief is worse. Yes losing an early pregnancy is different to losing a late term pregnancy and i cant comprehend the agony of holding a stillborn baby. But i dont think its healthy to get upset by someone saying all pregnancy loses are painful and meaning ful.
I had a miscarriage at 12weeks. I severely hemmoridged and almost died and honestly it was the lonliest most harrowing experience of my life and it really didnt help to hear "at least it wasnt fully formed or a real baby. Just a lump of cells." my partner had the audacity to say to me "at least it was at 3 months instead of 8 because we both would be devestated then.". Words do stick and although as i said no one who hasnt experienced a still birth or late stage mc can comprehend the additional feelings on top oftheir loss, its not right to dismiss earlier term miscarriages because what that implies is its not a real baby, a real hope a real future for the woman who is grieving.

Grief is not a compeition.

I agree with you OP, but a miscarriage at 16 weeks can cause profound and prolonged grief for some people and often there is little recognition of this.

Grief does strange things to us.

I think it helps to realise there is not a ‘finite’ amount of grief to be shared out. Someone being devastated over a 10 week loss does not diminish the grief someone else feels over having a stillbirth.

In my experience of both miscarriage and neonatal death, no it’s not the same. But it’s pointless and hurtful to get into debate about this. What does it achieve?

I will admit to being very hurt when a neighbour told me she knew just how I felt after my son died ....because she’d just lost her much loved cat. Many years later I can try to see it as someone trying to reach out. At the time I just went home and cried.