Adoption-when can I start process (have 2 birth children)

[LMST]

Hi All
Hoping for some guidance from all you adopters out there who already had your own children and then adopted (or SW folk who know about these things!).
We have a 3 and a half year old and a 17 month old. I understand that there needs to be a 2 year age gap and adopted child should be the youngest so we were thinking we could start the (6 months plus) assessment process and then by the time our youngest is 2 we would be potentially ready to start matching.
I also completely understand that most children are around 2 when they are adopted so we could end up waiting anyway (to give space for that 2 year age gap).
Any advice from adopters who started the process this early?
Are we being unrealistic and just too impatient?
Or silly!!?
Would be good to help ourselves get realistic expectations...to be fair even if we have to wait longer than hoped we will still do it anyway!

Thanks so much

X

I’d get this moved to the Adoption board for better-informed responses, OP.

Most local authorities won't accept you until your youngest is 2yrs old. I doubt any will be accepting new adopters are the moment anyway, but you can start doing some reading. Why the hurry - I know the process takes a while, but your two as so young!

I agree with Hay Ask for this to be moved to the adoption board. You may get fewer responses but on average they will be better informed.

We adopted some time ago. You are right they will normally look for a 2 year age gap minimum. You already have 2 young children, you may well find a bigger age gap is better as they will be more independent and you can give more attention to the new one, who will likely have a higher level of need than your birth children.

Most (not all) children needing adopting will have been through some level of abuse/neglect and may well be emotionally & developmentally behind their chronological age. And that is before you get into any specific disabilities/difficulties.

My youngest was 2.5 when placed with us. She was more a 'big baby' than a toddler. She is now year 10 and still needs a lot of emotional support (and even more so right now).

SS will be more willing to assess you early if you have something 'extra' to bring. e.g. If you are non-white, or willing to take on a child with known SN, or one with risk of MH issues, or one with a particularly traumatic back story, or a sibling group. The whole process is centred around finding families for children, not children for families. That doesn't mean there aren't babies needing adoption, but just not as many as there are adopters.

Adopting our DC is one of the best things I have done in my life. But you need to go into it with your eyes wide open, especially if you have birth children.

As an adopter I agree with previous posters. Remember the vast majority of children needing adoption are those whose birth family has had a number of chances to parent, but haven't met the child's needs for some reason. Some babies are removed at birth, which is generally because the birth parents have such a chaotic lifestyle they cannot meet a child's needs, and this often involves substance abuse.

So almost all children needing adoption will have had a combination of genetic risks (diagnosed or undiagnosed conditions such as mental health problems, ADHD etc), in utero exposure to alcohol or drugs or severe maternal stress, plus then early trauma due to adverse experiences.

They are likely to need more parental support. I don't know any adoptive parents who both work full time, for example, even when that was the plan for when things had 'settled down '. Most single adopters I know work part time.

An age gap of several years would probably be better for your birth children and any adopted child. In the meantime , read up on the subject, and if you don't have experience of children with special needs then try to get some - all of which will make you more likely to be able to adopt when you are ready to go ahead

My adopted dd is wonderful and a delight but, as with the vast majority of abused neglected children, she can be hard work.
Have you got enough time for an adopted child with 2 birth children? It's not like adding a 3rd birth child - they will need parenting differently and probably take up 90% of all your available time. Do not expect to have both parents working ft.
Read up, read about attachment, read about fasd. Join an fasd fb support group and look at a week of posts.

Thank you everyone for your responses. Lots to consider and mull over.
L

@Allington
Can I just ask when you say about in uterine exposure you mention alongside alcohol etc also stress? Is this proven ? What does it cause in the baby if the mother is stressed during pregnancy ?

There are some studies showing increased maternal anxiety/ stress during pregnancy correlates with long term increased anxiety in the baby/child

I think I’ll have to look that up thanks. Sorry for hijacking. I’d had a huge amount of stress myself and was worried when I read that I’d tried a few months ago getting a referral
To perinatal team but was refused as have no history of mental health issues or depression but reading that has worried me now
Sorry again for the hijack

@guiltandchocolate, worrying about this now is only going to add to your anxiety. Trust me, as someone's who has gone through this, the best thing to do is slow down, show yourself some compassion and care, and start from where you are now. You can't undo the past, all you can do is move forward calmly.

@LMST My adopted children are my own children. Whose else could they be? I think the term you mean is ‘birth children’? Sorry to sound pedantic, but I feel quite strongly about this.

@guiltandchocolate There is a strong correlation between stress in pregnancy and long term difficulties. Our adopted children went into care from birth, but the damage done in utero has still lead to attachment disorder, possible autism (part way through assessment) and ADHD. Dan Hughes and Louise Bomber have both written lots about this if you’re interested in finding out more.

@guiltandchocolate Just read your update. The type of stress I was referring to (with ours) was physical abuse, neglect, substance abuse, starvation in utero. Hope I didn’t worry you unnecessarily.

@Rufus27, if the children were taken into care from birth then there must have been serious serious issues within the family. What does 'stress' mean in this context?

Also, what is your evidence that the attachment disorder was due to in-utero experiences? It's far more likely this is as a result of the change of care at birth, even if only one change. If there is more than one change, that speaks for itself.

Can in-utero experiences cause autism? Where is the evidence for this? There is none. In-utero experiences can affect the presentation of autism, but autism is genetic.

Your scare-mongering is in no way helpful.

@Rufus27 cross-post

@NotNowPlzz

I did try to qualify my first post when I realised the context in which guiltandchocolate was asking. Certainly didn’t want to scare monger. Sorry!

Loads of evidence that attachment difficulties can be caused in utero (with extreme level of stress) . I even remember being told about it on adoption training courses. Drs have also explained how birth mum’s adrenaline surges while pregnant have affected our daughter's ability to regulate herself. Autism link less strong, but both paediatricians we’ve seen have said it’s highly likely in our case. Again, I must emphasise this was significant distress/abuse in utero.

I started a thread called Domestic Abuse From Teenage Daughter in relationships a few days ago.
I don’t want to put you off but a number of posters who responded had similar problems with adopted children being aggressive.
Please think carefully about the effect on your birth children. Of course not all adopted children are aggressive, but they almost all require a huge amount of input both from their parents and professionals.
I’d recommend waiting until your birth children are much older.

You need to expect to adopt an older child with highly complex SEN / SN I think. Social Services would usually let family foster or adopt kids where the parents can’t care for them - which often leaves the kids who are older and with needs their families didn’t want to take on. You will need, therefore, to devote most of your energy to them. If I were you I would let your children get to their teens before co considering an adoption for that very reason.

As a SW I would advise you think very hard before moving ahead with this.
There are more people looking to adopt younger dc than there are dc to adopt.
You wouldn't be in a position to adopt a family or an older dc. Would be able to adopt a dc with complex needs?
Up to 25% of adoptions are thought to break down.
It can work and work brilliantly but it isn't easy or straightforward and could cause havoc with the family unit you currently have.

Grumpy I think that is quite a negative view. I know quite a lot of adopters, and none of them adopted an older child with highly complex SEN / SN.

Social Services would usually let family foster or adopt kids where the parents can’t care for them - which often leaves the kids who are older and with needs their families didn’t want to take on.

That’s not remotely true. I’m a child protection social worker and a parent through adoption. There are many reasons why a child might not be adored by foster carers, not least because fostering and adoption are very different things, the legal status is very different, many foster carers don’t want to adopt and the linking and matching process for adoption is more considered and complex for adoption whereas placement in foster care is often about an available place for a child in the short to medium term.

Depending on where you live and your local authority approach to permanence planning you could find yourself placed with an under 2, it’s not unusual at all.

I would give real consideration to what others have said though about the time, care and attention you have available for another child. With children who are placed very young there’s often a lot of uncertainty about their future outcomes because many of the issues are developmental and don’t show themselves for quite some time. With older children, issues are much more likely to be known.

When people are talking about stress impacting a baby in the womb, they’re talking about extreme levels usually involving high levels of poverty, violence, abuse and uncertainty - if that’s not part of your pregnancy experience I wouldn’t worry too much about being stressed in pregnancy.

The last thing I’d suggest is thinking about why you want to adopt, SW will want to explore this very fully given you have 2 birth children. (You don’t need to answer that here btw, that’s not what I’m asking) Adoption isn’t by any means the preserve of the childless but given the challenges and complexities of bringing a traumatised child into a family with birth children, they’ll want to unpick that with you.

child might not be adored
Adopted not adored, sorry.

A few agencies/councils require your youngest child to be at least 5.

There are very few single under 2's placed for adoption because parents are given support to try to help them keep their kids, then the courts have to place the child... most babies will have older siblings which are placed together if possible. Adoption is a wonderful thing if it works but there's lots of issues to consider. Personally I would wait until your youngest is in preschool (3) before you start the process and consider what you can offer eg could you support a child with moderate to severe health conditions, could you take siblings? and most of all, what's your motivation for doing this? Only you know the answers. My friends adopted siblings at 3&5 they were told the chance of adopting a baby under 2 was close to zero

I think you should spend some time reading accounts of people who have adopted. My DS was 4 when we adopted DD. She was 1. It has been amazing and we have been very lucky. It is still hard work though. As all those mums were at groups with their babies I was with my traumatised one yr old. She cried herself to sleep for a week when she moved in and spent her days whining like a dog who's owner has gone out. It was the trauma of being placed with a strange family in an unfamiliar place. It went on for some time during the day. We were lucky my son made it easier for her as he was able to show we could be trusted. Months later when she went away for a night, it took a week to resettle her clearly still affected by the last time she had been left somewhere. The effects on our son were that his world went from unicorns and roses and him having all our attention to it being a very different place. Unlike when a baby comes and they just sit there taking mums attentions this one took his attention and his toys! And whined all day putting everyone on edge.

DD was considered to be a low risk in terms of SEN due to her background and was matched in order to cause minimal disruption to DS. She is 4 now and is fantastic but not without her problems. She is emotionally a good 12 months delayed, academically, maybe a little behind but nothing concerning with the exception of a speech delay. She struggles enormously with rejection, even just being told I cannot pick her up whilst I am cooking is a huge rejection to her. She also needs to be parented completely different to my DS which is hard for him to understand as he feels like she gets away with too much.
I think my DD is a best case scenario. It is very hard for birth children. For that reason I would wait until your children are a bit older, and then ask their opinion. Ideally, your youngest should be 4 at least. that way they will start school around the same time, giving you the day times to look after an adopted child and bond securely and plenty of time as a family when they get home.

@Rufus27 please accept my apologies. I didnt mean to cause offence. I did of course mean birth children.