He doesn't like my weight gain

[Damit]

Hey everyone! I am very new to Mumsnet, this is my first time writing my own thread but I need help/advice. Me and my partner have been together for almost 9 years, we have two children together. About two years ago I started to notice a big difference in him he became distant not hugging me, doesn't compliment me and sex once every 3 months. I asked him alot why he's being this way because he'd always been very loving since we met. It took me alot of times to get the truth out but he told me he doesn't like my weight gain I am a size 14. He did said he would like me too loose weight for him to have sex with me which broke my heart. He also said stuff about me not having a job which I do not work at the minute because I am stay at home mum until my youngest goes to full time school then I will go back to work. I just don't understand why my weight is such a issue I have gained weight but I am not that fat for him to put off sex with me. I feel worthless, and I don't know how to make this relationship better. I cannot forget the fact he doesn't find me attractive anymore because of my weight. What do I do am so stuck I feel unloved for a long time, I don't know how to make this better. I am currently putting in effort into loosing weight but it's not going to happen over night. Please help! I also feel like he's hiding something else?

Weight gain

Listen to your gut on the hiding something else. He's no Adonis, I bet. I'm sorry you're feeling like this

Size 14 is not fat!! So sorry OP, you deserve better treatment than this. I think it might be a good idea to listen to your instincts re whether he's hiding something, sadly - he could be playing away and trying to pin the blame on to your weight - sounds like he's being an arse re your not working too. The weight thing actually makes my blood boil for you, especially as I used to have a partner who was always carping on about my weight. I wasn't fat either. It's typical arsehole male control stuff, I'm afraid.

I’m not sure he could win in this situation. You pushed for an answer and hes told you the truth. Unfortunately it’s not what you wanted to hear.

You sound very decisive on the no job until school age but he’s clearly unhappy being the sole earner. He’s not wrong to want to share the burden and both have to agree to one person opting out of contributing financially not just one.

Thank you for all your replies. I just feel as if he does not appreciate what I do as a mum or me as a person. I was so upset on mother's Day he didn't even wish me a happy mother's day I told him I didn't want card or gifts but at least could have said something. He said he forgot, which I doubt he did.

Also him being the sole earner he has always been happy with being so. He's on really good money too in this new job he's got. Before we've been on less earnings as a family and it was not a problem then. I've always communicated that I wanted to stay at home until my youngest is in full time school. He's always said it was completely fine. But all of a sudden it seems to be a issue.

Ugh what a b@#£rd. I'm size 20 and if n my husband ever called me fat if I'd squash him!
My husband's never called me fat, still always after me.
Start putting double cream in his meals and fatten him up. Size 14 is not fat. What a horrible pig he is.

You sound very decisive on the no job until school age but he’s clearly unhappy being the sole earner. He’s not wrong to want to share the burden and both have to agree to one person opting out of contributing financially not just one

This.

OP did you both discuss you staying home until the children were at school? The weight thing is sad but not uncommon.

Yes we definitely did discuss this alot. I had always communicated that I'll be stay at home mum until my youngest goes into full time. He fully well knew and always said it was very much okay. He said sex would be more if I lost weight. Am I being sensitive? It did really hurt me and I do love him, I just don't know how I will ever forget this. It's hard for me to move forward.

I think also, it hurt more he pushed me away and was distant for a long time. If he was to say let's go for jog together or cook some nice healthy meals together as a way of helping. Rather than turn me down all the time and make me feel unloved. That's what hurts more, I will loose weight but he didn't have to push me away I feel?

A lot of blame-shifting on to the OP here, making assumptions about the OP's decision not to work, when the OP says her DH claims to be OK with this. Always nice to see women supporting women - oh no, hang on a minute, this is Mumsnet, I think I meant people defending their own prejudices.

OP, I reiterate what I said in my first post. He's being a dick and if this is really about your weight (which I doubt, my money's still on him being up to something) than you deserve better, a bit of weight gain shouldn't be a turn-off to someone who really loves you. Size 14 is not fat and I think you deserve much better than this idiot of a man who puts you down.

Also, ignore those who are piling in on you for being a SAHM, it seems to attract a lot of judgement on here for some reason. This is your personal choice and your husband's, and if he's changed his mind about being OK with it then he needs to communicate this in a mature way, not by refusing sex and blaming you ffs.

Thank you so much for getting back to me. I feel alot better having another person's view on this. I kept thinking maybe I am over reacting but then another part of me thinks that he should have gone about the whole weight issue differently. The job thing I have no idea why as before lockdown I was back and forth to school I walked 6 miles a day and he expects me to find a job in-between these hours my youngest was in nursery only half a day.

Firstly you cannot be fat at size 14. There is more to this, there was another similar post going on, he was pretty skanky to use this as an excuse. An excuse it is. There is something else wrong. Maybe he knows what it is, maybe he is doesnt know . If sex is dropping has he just decided this is the reason. H e is unhappy. Time to find out why, never mind the weight red herring thing

Of course a person can be fat at size 14! Depends on their height build etc.And don’t forget about vanity sizing.

However that’s not the point. OP this is tricky because he is well within his rights not to want to have sex if he doesn’t fancy you but I can imagine how hurtful that must be. I don’t think you should say he should be helping you though by suggesting a jog together. If YOU want to lose weight for YOU then it’s up to YOU to do something about it. Depends how much of a deal breaker this is to you both.

OP I think he has started to look at/chase other women and he is trying to engineer a way to blame you, so he doesn't feel guilty. It is not your fault. He knows he is in the wrong but he won't accept that and will make you feel it is yours. I would suggest you get a job soon if you can, just so you are developing your own financial independence if your marriage ends. It is never a good situation for a woman to be financially dependent on a man, especially when she is doing all the drudge work raising their children and he doesn't appreciate that or think it is real work.

I've been there, OP, and it's hard, so I do appreciate how you feel.

My ex-DP (yes, an ex, but not related to this!) told me that he was avoiding sex because I was overweight. Like you, I'd pestered him and pestered him until he told me the truth. In retrospect, the poor guy couldn't win.
At the time I was devastated. If you'd asked me then, I'd have said "I'm only a size 12, what's he complaining about, and he's not an Adonis himself."

But years later I see it differently. He was telling me the truth. I was unhealthy; I'd piled on almost 3 stone in 2 years, and I'd tipped into the overweight category. I wasn't happy in myself. I looked and felt awful. I was eating badly. I don't blame him for being put off sex, tbh, and in fairness he only admitted that after I asked him time and time again. He was in an impossible situation. He couldn't help how he felt and, after a lot of tears and demands from me, he thought telling the truth was the best option.

Looking back, I wish at the time I'd taken it as a wake-up call to how unhealthy I was becoming. Yes, a size 12 doesn't sound huge, but I was medically overweight and frighteningly unfit. I'd completely normalised my weight, my terrible eating habits and my lack of exercise. So I carried on that way for a few more years until realising I had to change, so I did. I lost the weight and running changed my life, in terms of my mental health just as much as physically. (The relationship had ended by that point, but we're still good friends).

I'm sharing this experience because I think you have the power in terms of where you go from here.
It sounds like you're not happy with your weight, as you say you're trying to lose some. So it's up to you how you choose to deal with the comments from your DP.
You would be entitled to think he's being a dick and to be upset about it. You may even choose to end your relationship over this, as some PPs have suggested.
But equally - if he's ordinarily a good guy - you could choose to take it on the chin and accept that he was only telling you the truth after a long period of badgering.

Give some real thought to what an acceptable response from him would have been. I know it's hard, and it's hurtful, but if you can't answer that question, perhaps you should accept he couldn't win on this one. Good luck

If appearance change was all it took to put men off sex, there wouldn't be very many two child families, would there?

It's usually, in my experience, an excuse. Either they are attracted to someone else (and sometimes even doing something about that attraction) or they've got a physical problem of their own which is stopping them having sex and they don't want to face up to it. So obviously it has to be you gaining weight doesn't it? It can't possibly be them.

And your gut is telling you he's hiding something? I think I know where my bets would lie...

If he's just your DP and not your DH and you do not have your own income then you could well be in trouble here.

He doesn't fancy you anymore, he isn't happy to provide financially anymore and he has no legal obligation to do so.

Is the house in your name? If he decides he wants to split up, could he legally ask you to leave tomorrow? (Obviously morally that would be wrong, but legally if he decides he wants out of this relationship, you could be out on the street).

It's difficult at the moment, but you need to get working on your CV and focus on getting your own income stream in the near future, otherwise you're leaving yourself in a very precarious position.

To be honest you pushed and pushed him for an answer and now you’re complaining you don’t like it.

He has his likes and preferences; he can’t help it if he doesn’t find you attractive anymore now you’ve gained weight. Clearly he feels bad about it as he didn’t want to tell you, but if he’s not attracted he can’t force himself to be so.

It sounds like things have been this way for a long time and he was hoping they’d get better but nothings changed.

I really feel for you. He sounds like my other half who I've been with for over 20 years. I think when they begin to speak to you in that manner, they never change. I'm a size 14 and always got complements from other people but I repel him. He can't even bear to give me a peck. Like yourself, I stayed at home and did all the donkey work when my kids were growing up. He was always of the opinion that it was my job to rear the kids, that if I needed any help to ask his mother - that's another story - a complete narcissist of a MIL who has treated my appallingly. He is self employed and I always did his book keeping (plenty of it), banking and 100% of housework. I stayed with him thinking it was best for the kids but they just grow up thinking that's its ok to treat a partner with relentless disrepect. My elderly aunt visited me last year and told me to cop on that I'm only his doormat. I was called the c word yesterday because his mother asked me to get a few messages in the shop. I had got her plenty of things in the past few weeks. I asked him why he couldn't do the shop (he hasn't done a grocery shop since I met him) or maybe his two sisters and brother who also live beside her. He got very angry, told me I was a c--- and why the hell couldn't I just phone her and get the few bits for her. Says he's no time with all that effing ..... I'm at my wits end with him and it's time to leave before I go through another decade like this. The covid lockdown makes it difficult now. I suggest you try and have a frank discussion with your partner - hopefully he's not as difficult as mine - no reasoning with him whatsoever. Good luck

Thanks for the replies. I do agree I need to loose weight. But for him for push me away really hurts. We did have a good talk about it all few weeks ago. Things do seem to be getting better since I started working out but sex is just not there really. It does make me feel like even if I loose weight and we have good sex life back again I'd still be hurt. I think it lies deeper than him telling me I need to loose weight I think most people in relationships change, body's change and am not always going to look slim and good. I do have issues with food I do comfort eat so I do need to work on that . I hope we can move past this but I forever will be hurt I guess.

I do agree with you all. I think hes hurt my feelings but also maybe I need to just put in more effort, when this lockdown is over I'm going to job hunt and get my independence back. I'm actively trying to loose weight. I have lost a stone already which is a bonus and I do feel much better about myself.

OP, good for you re the weight and your decision to job hunt.

It will be good for you to gain some independence.

Your husband sounds like a mean man.

I don't know how you could say that to someone you love.

If i heard that from my husband it would change me forever.

He's not good enough for you.

I'd be very wary of someone who would say something so hurtful.

And to be perfectly honest, I would no more be asking for sex.

Mind yourself. He's a nasty twat.

OP, lose weight if you want, or don't if you don't want. If you do, then do it for YOU. Not him. Boost your confidence and do things for yourself. It isn't your job to change yourself to suit him. Plus, it really isn't about your weight at all, it is all him and his actions.

I do love him alot. He is a good father, I just believe he doesn't appreciate who I am to be honest. I am trying to forget and move forward but it is hard to think maybe he doesn't fancy me anymore.