He doesn't like my weight gain

[Damit]

Hey everyone! I am very new to Mumsnet, this is my first time writing my own thread but I need help/advice. Me and my partner have been together for almost 9 years, we have two children together. About two years ago I started to notice a big difference in him he became distant not hugging me, doesn't compliment me and sex once every 3 months. I asked him alot why he's being this way because he'd always been very loving since we met. It took me alot of times to get the truth out but he told me he doesn't like my weight gain I am a size 14. He did said he would like me too loose weight for him to have sex with me which broke my heart. He also said stuff about me not having a job which I do not work at the minute because I am stay at home mum until my youngest goes to full time school then I will go back to work. I just don't understand why my weight is such a issue I have gained weight but I am not that fat for him to put off sex with me. I feel worthless, and I don't know how to make this relationship better. I cannot forget the fact he doesn't find me attractive anymore because of my weight. What do I do am so stuck I feel unloved for a long time, I don't know how to make this better. I am currently putting in effort into loosing weight but it's not going to happen over night. Please help! I also feel like he's hiding something else?

I fear that, should you lose weight and become the size you were when you first met him, he will suddenly realise that (for example) your hair is the wrong colour and he doesn't fancy brunettes. Or you're too tall, and he's never really fancied tall women...

He sounds the type. Most men are so happy to find a woman who will have sex with them, clean, cook, look after their children and generally 'be there', that they don't even notice weight gain until it reaches the 'hard to find clothes that fit' stage.

If you want to lose weight and get fitter and healthier, OP, do it for yourself. If that also improves your relationship then great, but that wouldn't be the bit I would be dwelling upon.
As you said yourself, he only admitted there was an issue after you asked him, repeatedly, and gave him little option. Maybe he thought telling the truth was best - which is sort of admirable, albeit hurtful.
You also haven't said (unless I've missed it) how much weight you gained. Ok, in theory it shouldn't matter. But in reality, if it's half a stone, then his behaviour is bizarre and probably an excuse for something else. If it's several stones, then it's perhaps unsurprising he started behaving differently and, eventually, acknowledged it. I may get flamed here, but if my DH put on a lot of weight - several stones, say, or enough to make him overweight or obese - yes I would notice, and yes I would mention it, in the hope we would make some changes as a family and address his health together.

This economic climate would make anyone worry about being a single income family. Jobs are not so secure and even if your job is secure, your salary / bonuses / hours maybe be cut. And if you need a new job the competition is going to be massive. His new thinking about you staying at home may be related to worries brought on by “what if?” due to CV.

I can still love my husband but if he comfort ate his way to a couple of stone heavier I wouldn’t be so attracted to him or want to tear his clothes off. I wouldn’t tell him unless he pestered me as to why.

@Damit I wonder if this is one of those cases where your dh is at work and sees younger single women who don't have children and family life to look after and he is unfairly comparing you to them? They seem to have exciting lives and haven't let themselves go. And he has got some clumsy idea that you can get a job and become an exciting young thing again.

But before you jump into getting a job, make sure he knows what a huge effect this would have on your family life. Ask him what he is going to do to enable childcare if you are at work. Don't make your life 250% harder for his unrealistic dreams to come true.

With regard to being size 14 I disagree that you can't be fat at this size. Of course you can. I don't know how tall you are but it is easy to get fatter when you are a SAHM with small kids. Millions do it. I reallyhope you can lose some weight and more importantly feel fitter and happier in yourself.

Try and maintain some couple time. Remind him of what he has. You may decide you don't want him anymore but hopefully you can pull together. Good luck.