Please help me! I have a 4 week old that im struggling with

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

Please be kind, im posting here as it seems to get more traffic.

I am lucky enough to have a healthy 4 week old who was born at 40+5. The birth was traumatic for me though, ive got appointments for counselling for PTSD from it.

I dont know if its the stage my baby is in, but he just wont settle. He sleeps well at night and is very predictable for his night feeds - generally at 9, 12, 2.30 and then 5 or 6 (mainly). His day time sleep has always been erratic. Until 2 or 3 days ago he was easy to lull to sleep in the day after a feed but its all changed now. For example, today he woke from a nap at 9.30, and has only just gone down again at 2 with A LOT of effort to help him nod off. He's been tired since 10.30 but just couldnt sleep longer than 10/20 mins. I try everything - dummy, white noise, a walk in the pram, a bit of warm milk, swaddling, but nothing works. Im pretty sure he's only asleep now because he's so exhausted rather than any of my efforts. My partner is away a lot today, so I knew id be on my own with the baby for 12 hours. I spent last night awake thinking I didnt want today to happen.

Im coming to dread everyday. Every day is a battle for sleep. Its not so much the tiredness on my part, its the rigmarole of getting the baby to sleep every day. Its draining and I dont know how much longer I can carry on doing it.

I spend a lot of time worrying if hes developing typically. Should he have smiled yet? Should be be cooing yet?

Does it get better? I read a lot that it gets better around 6 weeks or so, but I just cant see how, or how i'll get there without breaking down.

Thank you for reading x

Hello, firstly congratulation on your new baby. I’m sorry you are feeling low. I know it feels absolutely relentless at the beginning. I felt a lot like that and a friend also told me it was better at six weeks but when you’re in the middle of the early days and so tired it’s hard to believe. It sounds like you are doing really well at night and spacing out feeds etc. Someone else will hopefully have good tips for naps. I just wanted to check if you have spoken to your health visitor about your low mood? I would call them today and tell them how you are feeling. They should be able to help or at least help signpost you to some help. I felt very similar (although I hated the nighttimes more) and I was very anxious. I ended up getting some help and things got better. But you have to speak up about how you feel. Big hugs and it will get better xxx

It definitely gets better!
Try not to worry too much, what you describe sounds very normal. Some babies are just rubbish sleepers. I vividly remember trying for hours to coax my eldest to sleep, her clearly being tired but fighting sleep.

It must be very difficult now with a baby, without the groups or coffee mornings for distraction.

By 6 weeks they start to smile and engage with you a little bit and that helps.

It will get better. Some babies are very difficult. My dd was but she did have silent reflux. She would not sleep during the day or for that matter much at night. Constant screaming and crying. Wouldn't sleep in a crib, bouncer, rocker or even on a walk in the pram. Eventually I got some peace from a soft stretchy sling which she basically only came out of for feeds, changes and at night. The dr did start her on ranitidine as well which settled her a bit. Does your dc have any silent reflux symptoms?

I understand the desperation of trying to get them to sleep. Will your partner be around more tomorrow to help? Sounds like you're doing a great job. Don't blame yourself for the difficulties with napping, and as pp said, maybe get in touch with your health visitor about the anxiety you're feeling. It does get so much better.

One other thing - are you listening to the radio / watching the TV? I find the distraction v useful. Try not to Google too much as, in terms of sleep, it doesn't have the answers.

Congratulations on your little boy and I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough time of it.

Smiling at 4 weeks would be on the early side. Around 6 weeks is the average but with variations either side so don’t worry about that. Same for cooing. That can come a lot later and in the case of my DD and DGDs not for a lot later.

The only way my DGDs napped until they were at least a year was if they were rocked and or stroked. About 10/15 mins of gentle rocking and then holding them till they were in a deeper sleep and gently lowering them into a basket or cot was literally the only way that worked. Have you tried rocking at all? You sound to have tried most of the tried and tested methods but didn’t mention that which is why I thought I’d ask.

It will get easier. He’s still very new . It really does feel impossible at times as well as relentless and the COVID situation will not be helping I’m sure. Keep going and do whatever it takes to get through. Make things as simple as possible in terms of food, cleaning etc and even if you can’t sleep if he does nap, try to lay or sit down and have a drink and something to eat.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

He does nap in my arms, and then wakes when I try and put him down. This seems to be a day time thing though, at night he seems to go down a bit more willingly. Perhaps I should just let him nap in my arms in the day and stop trying to put him down. He's sleeping in his moses basket now, I think thats because I spent a lot of time sitting with him asleep so he was in a deeper sleep when I put him down.

He doesnt seem to have to symptoms becomming of reflux/silent reflux. It became very clear quite early on that he's a windy baby. So we use infacol before every feed and do a lot of winding. That seems to get the wind up a bit easier, so thats great.

He likes to look at bright colours in baby books, being taken around different rooms with different things to look at and being spoken too. I think this is another thing I find really hard - 'entertaining' him when theres only so much you can do, and when hes awake for so long its hard. Im wishing away the months tbh, to when he can play and interact.

He's bottle fed if that makes a difference (not sure it will do?)

I have milk supply issues relating to his birth, so solely breastfeeding has never been an option for me.

and you're right @Itsabitmessy - the COVID thing is really hard being a new mum with no groups etc to go to.

Partner will be around more tomorrow, its just the odd day here and there where he has to be out for a long time.

Six weeks was a huge transition for me. Before then I had a cluster-feeding limpet who would not sleep at all unless he was being held, which meant that DH and I had to sleep in shifts (although I had to wake up to do all the feeds). I was so tired I was hallucinating and I didn't see it ever ending, but as he hit six weeks, suddenly everything clicked, he slept for much longer stretches, seemed to feed more efficiently, went longer between feeds and could actually be put down to sleep, which was a game-changer. This is all normal - have you read anything about the Fourth Trimester?

We tried white noise CDs to no avail, but discovered randomly one day that he would sleep with the Dyson running next to him - it had to be the actual Dyson, though, as I think he needed the vibrations. We had a whole rigmarole where I'd have to get the Dyson out, warm his Moses basket, feed him to sleep, put the Dyson on, and then gradually move it further and further away from him while turning up Jean Michel Jarre's 'Oxygene' album to an equivalent volume before eventually turning the Dyson off, and then he'd sleep for the length of the album. I can look back and laugh at this now, but at the time getting him to sleep was all-consuming (to the point where we burnt out the motor on the Dyson....).

Is your health visitor any good?

Tbh I just used to accept that my youngest would never go in the basket! I prepped with phone/book/tv remote, travel cup etc, made sure I went to the loo and settled down with her for some downtime while she slept. It was easier just to accept and less frustrating than constantly trying to put her down.

Not saying this is what you should do btw. He's still so tiny, it will get better I promise.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene wind has a lot to answer for. If he gets worse and the infacol isn't doing the job go to the gp. If he's happy in your arms he'll love a sling. I used a close caboo because I was crap and the wrapping and then at least your arms will be free

You don't need to entertain a 4 week old, definitely don't be giving yourself extra grief thinking that.

Hi OP

My son was like this until about 2 months where I finally started to see some sort of routine with his daytime naps.

The best advice is to relax. If you are planning on trying to get him down for a nap (and don't mind him napping on you) then just put the tv on, grab some snacks and snuggle up together. You'll find that because your watching the tv your not focusing on whether he is asleep or nowt therefore not getting so stressed.

Hope that makes sense lol

Btw congratulations and sorry about the traumatic birth, I had a bad experience too!

Sounds very familiar - honestly, I’d stop battling, buy a stretchy wrap, stick him in it and crack on with your day! If he likes to be held use it to your advantage - attach him to yourself hands free! There’s absolutely nothing you can do at this stage which will create ‘bad habits’ or anything else. Just do whatever works. I’d hazard a guess that a stretchy wrap just might! Good luck!

I do have a sling - sometimes it works like a charm and sometimes it doesnt. I think its dependant on how I wrap it tbh. I also think I try and put him in it when he's agitated and restless, and it makes him worse. So tomorrow I may try and put him in it after a feed but before he gets agitated through being over-tired and see if it makes a difference.

I have a 3.5 week old, but she is my second, so I feel more confident. I really think you are making things difficult for yourself by trying to get your baby to sleep. Just feed them when they are hungry and cuddle them in front of the TV if they are not. If they fall asleep, great, if not, that's fine too. Just keep watching TV and cuddling. With my first, I was given the advice that my only goal for a day should be to try and finish a box set.

If you don't have one, maybe order a stretchy wrap sling. Then let the baby chill out in there all day, again while you watch TV or such. Don't bother yourself about whether or not the baby is actually asleep and definitely don't waste your time trying to get them into a Moses basket unless you are worried you might fall asleep holding the baby.

While you are cuddling him, look for online baby groups. Ask on your local Facebook parenting site and I'll bet you get loads of links. All the local baby groups to me are taking place on zoom, with a view to meeting up in real life when that is possible again.

But really, forget about getting him into a routine, teaching him to sleep, or even entertaining him. At this age, it's all about the cuddles.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene yes it's not a great idea to try to get them in it when they're upset especially if you're not used to tying them. The first few times I got myself really stressed out. Which sling do you have? You def need a soft style nothing too hard with buckles etc

I have a freerider one, its just basically a long piece of material that I tie around myself

Hi,

I am in the exact same position as you! I had a little girl 4 weeks ago. She will only sleep in my arms and wakes up immediately if I put her in a Moses basket/car seat/anywhere else. She even wakes up and goes mad if her Dad holds her. She will only settle if she is attached to me.

I've got a toddler as well who was the absolute opposite of this and I was expecting the new baby to just sleep anywhere with no effort, but no!

To be honest, I'm just not bothering to fight it. It's really annoying that I can't tidy the house or do any of my normal day time jobs etc, but I'm just sitting on the sofa with her attached to me while she sleeps. She will sleep for 2/3 hours if on me, so I just get a load of food, magazines and whack the telly on for hours. Hopefully they grow out of it at some point! No idea when that happens though!

@spiderlight health visitors seem good, but with COVID everything is done by phone at the moment. I have a session tomorrow with my therapist for PTSD, and i'll throw all this in there too and see what she says.

@Darcy224 you seem to be coping with it all much better than me! I think those with babies and toddlers must be superheros, I defo couldnt do it!

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

Sorry, I also meant to say that I felt exactly the same as you with my first baby. Even with a very good baby.

It's so so hard to get used to how much your life changes with your first baby, and you feel constantly exhausted. I spent many a night in tears and dreading the next day. It took me a long time to get used to having a baby.

I'm a bit more chilled this time as boyfriend has been furloughed so has been looking after toddler while I have the baby. It will be an experience when he goes back to work!!

I bet you are doing great, it's so hard with a newborn xx

My first one was a nightmare, she never got easier, each sleep was a fight of wills and she would become overtired without any clues, and scream like a banshee for 3-4 hours. Fun time. I think she just hated day naps, she was always good night sleeper. Now 3,5 years old sleeps alone in here room until 8 am.

My young one started the same and he would only sleep in my arms during day. If I put him in basket, all hell would break loose. I stopped fighting it, closed blinds, and binge watched everything on tv (friends, brooklyn 99, chernobyl). He was happy I was happy, but worried I will never be able to get him to sleep on his own. At 3 months old he started to sleep in his cot and sooth himslef to sleep on his own....

So just cuddle your baby, they don't need any super hyper interaction. I did just talk to mine about what I am doing/going to do as a narrator in a movie. They really turned out fine and yours will too :) Sometimes I would just read book aloud. But not baby book, because that is fun when they start to interact. They seem to not mind any scifi or fantasty, even a history book seemed to go well :D

My DS used to spend his early days alternating between a baby gym mat, his pram (which he loved to sleep in) and his Moses basket. With lots of cuddles in between of course.

So I'd pop him in his pram to wheel him into the kitchen whilst I made my lunch - that way I could have both hands free without having to disturb him by moving him. I could talk to him as I made a sandwich. If he fell asleep I'd just move him, in the pram, into whatever room I was next in and leave him to nap, then get on with whatever needed doing (or have a cuppa and read book - occasionally).

If he was awake I'd have him in my arm whilst I had my sandwich - I'd stick the TV on if I wanted to and we'd 'watch' it together.

And I would do skin to skin time every day. I'd take him up to bed, prop up the pillows and loads of cushions so I was sitting up in bed - right in the middle so I couldn't drop him. Strip him down to the nappy, me down to knickers then pop into bed. I'd put the radio on or read a book or just chat to him and let him lay chest to chest or head to my chest whilst I gave him back strokes. Lovely 30 minutes every day. He was bottle fed so we never had that skin to skin that comes with breastfeeding. It'd be bottle, nappy change, skin time.

I never really entertained him at this stage. A lot of it was just me going about my daily routine with him in tow! So if I read the paper I'd put him on my lap and read it to him! I'd read him children's books just to get the bright colours or use children's TV just to get songs or movement - I'd run out of ideas otherwise!

Babies of this age just enjoy knowing you're there. Read to them, tell them all about the news, explain what's going on outside. It doesn't matter. It's your voice that makes the difference. My friend used to send her babies off to sleep by reading the newspaper to them!

Smiling, as someone already said, comes at about 6 weeks. Our vicar, when we had DS's blessing service, said he was just at the end of his tether with his first - then the smile came and he fell in love. Totally agree.

Don't try too hard to entertain baby. He just wants to be with you. He can't speak, can't count, can't read so whatever you do with him doesn't really matter.

The best advice is to relax. If you are planning on trying to get him down for a nap (and don't mind him napping on you) then just put the tv on, grab some snacks and snuggle up together. You'll find that because your watching the tv your not focusing on whether he is asleep or nowt therefore not getting so stressed.

Yes. Yes. Yes to this advice. I eventually got so tired on top of already being tired, that when I did this it worked a dream for us both. Never regretted it. Fantastic memories as a result!

I think one of the most challenging things is that he seems so agitated at the moment. Theres 10 mins or so after a feed where he's content, then he gets agitated regardless of what I do (winding, more food, dummy). So he's difficult to just sit with.