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Original poster

Anyone else sick and tired of being the resilient one?

45 replies

MrsGrindah · 17/04/2020 20:59

I’m not a cheerful person, but I am pragmatic and “ let’s keep focused on the important things” . But I have to be that person all the time. At work I’m a team leader of about 100 people so I have to keep them going. At home it’s me and DH who is prone to moods and anxiety. I have to take on board his worries about his family too.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I want to be the person that others worry about and look after

OP posts:
homemadecommunistrussia · 17/04/2020 21:03

Well yes. But I am, people need me and I can.
(Tis a bit wearing)

mamaduckbone · 17/04/2020 21:28

Yep, that's me too.
My closest work colleagues are all much more sensitive than me. I often have to reassure and encourage them.
Dh suffers with severe anxiety. I'm always the one chivvying everyone along.
If I fell apart I don't know who would pull me up. It's wearing but 99% of the time I just get on with it.

homemadecommunistrussia · 17/04/2020 21:29

I'm sorry, that's probably not what you need to hear.
Look after yourself CakeBrewWineGin

CelloMellow · 17/04/2020 21:33

Hell to the yeah and it has actually made me quite bitter that other people don't step up a bit more and.. You know... Actually TRY! Only about 50% of my resilience is "natural" and the rest I work really hard at.
It’s ended up as me being a martyr basically. Not sure I have any advice OP, just sympathy.

bellinisurge · 17/04/2020 21:46

Yes. I have MS and all this cheerful, muddle along bollocks took its toll on me today - I had a blast of MS fatigue which is a clear sign I've been pushing myself too hard. And then, oh the irony just as I was going to lie down, there was a minor domestic issue that I needed to deal with urgently. Which gave me a rush of adrenaline that kicked started me out of the fatigue patch.

4amWitchingHour · 17/04/2020 22:01

Yep - both at home and at work, I'm the one who finds solutions and moves things forward. Home I find more frustrating, wish my DH would step up more, but he has mental health struggles I don't, so in another way I'm lucky.

Lima45 · 17/04/2020 22:19

Yes this is me. I'm normally a "right let's just get on with it person" which I have to work at because left to my own devices I'd be a stay in bed and ignore it person.

But today I just couldn't. I'm stuck at home with a shoulder injury that I can't get fixed bacause of all this, I'm having one of my very rare, but bloody horrendous, periods, I'm tired and in constant pain and today I just stopped. Didn't get dressed. Let DD have too much screen time and amuse herself with paints, let DP, who has mental health issues, sort everything out and sat around in my PJs feeling sorry for myself.

And it worked. DP sorted food etc, DD occupied herself and I'm now showered and feeling a million times better than I did this morning. I think I just needed a day off from being lil miss optimistic.

Iamthewombat · 17/04/2020 22:25

I am Mary Sunshine at work, at home and with friends. I don’t mind that much but sometimes I think, Christ, I fancy a day of being self-indulgent and moany whilst other people do the chivvying and the lightening of the atmosphere.

I think that miserable bastards are drawn to people like me because they think we will solve all their problems for them!

PippaPegg · 17/04/2020 22:27

World won't stop turning if you take a day off from the role. Recommend it!

AnnSmiley · 17/04/2020 22:31

Christ yes. Since DS was born 3.5 years ago it's all been about the kids, juggling a tough job, DH having some serious anxiety issues, then his father dying. All awful for everyone. I was just in the middle of making a move at work and negotiating a promotion to a new role I really want when this happened. Now I'm furloughed for a few weeks, FIL has very sadly died, the kids are feral....

I just want a little bit of time when it's about me for once. But I can't see that coming for a long time.

Ltdannygreen · 17/04/2020 22:35

Same here..... and this lockdown is making me worse 😠

MitziK · 17/04/2020 23:38

Been like it for years - until my brother was killed this time last year and I said no more. Well, what I actually said was (after I got my redundancy letter two days before the funeral) 'I'm done. YOU deal with the fucking shit for a change, because I've got nothing left'.

Surprisingly, it worked. Life has been a lot easier for me since I fucked the PollyFuckingAnna job off.

ACertainSupermarket · 17/04/2020 23:43

Yes. And sick of the family getting in a huff if I'm not being resilient for them as per usual, due to my hours being weirder and longer than ever and them being at home doing fuck all except feeling sorry for themselves.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 17/04/2020 23:47

Yes, me too until I realised too late that I had fewer friends and more co-dependants. Can say its quality over quantity. That and being less afraid to show when I'm vulnerable. Those that either ignore me or show contempt I fuck them off, those who care I keep.

WomanIsTaken · 17/04/2020 23:57

I am very sceptical of resilience. 95% of the time, in my experience, the resilient person is the one who has a lot to lose by not performing the survival strategy which masquerades as resilience; losing the motivation and trust of a 100-strong team at work, or the harmony of the household as the spouse of an anxious or moody partner, as you mention; the consequences of which could be devastating. I am speaking from experience as someone who is often 'praised' for my resilience, both professionally and privately. I am not resilient, I am compelled to keep my shit together.
And don't get me started on the rubbish about the resilience of children; children have no choice but to be 'resilient'; I work with children and young people in very challenging circumstances, and it is an insult to suggest that the fact that they are somehow still functional in society is down to 'resilience'. They have to have their traumatised shit together in the moment too, all the time. It's not resilience but survival.

stellabelle · 18/04/2020 03:45

want to be the person that others worry about and look after

No, I never want to be "that person". I like being strong and resilient, and would hate to be like the ( many) people I've known who fold at the first sign of stress.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 18/04/2020 16:18

No I didn’t mean I want to be incapable of dealing with stress. I meant I want someone to stop and think “Hows Grindah doing? Does she need any help?” once in a while.

OP posts:
ICouldHaveBeenAContender · 18/04/2020 17:06

OP, and most of you - I get it.

stella it's not that we want to be flakey. We just want someone else to care about us, occasionally.

Butterymuffin · 18/04/2020 17:11

Yep, I totally get this, OP.

Who else could your DH offload on? If he doesn't have a close friend who would listen, could you suggest counselling? Tell him you can't soak it all up.

motherrunner · 18/04/2020 18:21

Yup that’s me.

As a teacher who can’t help themselves reading thread after thread of how poorly I am doing my job it’ll be hard to put that smile on my face when I log on 9am Monday morning to teach Yr 10.

My mum is needs 24/7 care in a nursing home. I am the ‘strong’ sister who consoles my brother as we haven’t been able to speak to my mum physically for 6 weeks when her home went into lockdown. (We have a daily update from a career but she isn’t physically able to communicate).

My son is under going assessment for ASD and he this week has been his worst for behaviour. He won’t leave me alone for a minute. He is scared I’ll die. I am feeling sick about teaching live Monday as how can I peel him off me???

But everyday I get up, put a smile on my face and jolly us around. In an hour once the kids are in bed I’ll run a bath and sob. I can’t believe this is my life.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 18/04/2020 18:26

@motherruner I’m sorry to hear that Flowers

@Butterymuffin yes I think I’m close to that point. I love him to bits but I just can’t keep soaking it up. I know anxiety must be awful and he can’t just switch it off but he just doesn’t see the affect it has on me. But I feel like I must keep on keeping on because if I don’t who will?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsGrindah · 18/04/2020 18:27

Effect ..sorry!

OP posts:
Whathewhatnow · 18/04/2020 19:34

@WomanIsTaken that is a bloody excellent post and on the money. The fetishisation of it is annoying and vaguely insulting.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 18/04/2020 19:47

I’m not saying resilience is something to wear with pride. This wasn’t a stealth boast. You could call it something else. Whatever it is I’m sick of it.

OP posts:
ladybee28 · 18/04/2020 19:48

I used to feel this way.

Then I realised there wasn't any room for people to step up and worry about me, because I didn't give them any room to.

Everything was handled, I wasn't showing any vulnerability, and even when people asked how I was doing, I told them I was fine. (And then I complained to myself that nobody cared enough to take care of me Grin )

My identity as 'the together one' was all-encompassing.

It really hit me when someone DID try to 'take care of' me and I noticed myself get annoyed and dig my heels in to be MORE 'fine', in case they were implying I couldn't take care of myself properly. I'd spent ages grumbling to myself about how nobody was there for me, and then I realised how hard I made it for them to do so.

I spent my childhood having to be 100% together so my parent didn't lose the plot. So it's understandable that I turned out that way. It's still an ongoing thing for me to work on, and I'm not saying this is your situation too, OP, but it might be worth having a look at.

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