Anyone else sick and tired of being the resilient one?

[MrsGrindah]

I’m not a cheerful person, but I am pragmatic and “ let’s keep focused on the important things” . But I have to be that person all the time. At work I’m a team leader of about 100 people so I have to keep them going. At home it’s me and DH who is prone to moods and anxiety. I have to take on board his worries about his family too.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I want to be the person that others worry about and look after

@ladybee28 That’s interesting. My mum was a manic depressive and my sad an alcoholic. From an early age I took responsibility for my brother and I so I’ve never shaken the role of being in charge. I’m ‘in charge’ of at least 120 pupils a day (and have been for 20 years), I am first contact for the care home (likewise I pay all the bills, my brother earns minimum wage), I take on all family decisions .:. It’s exhausting yet I hate accepting help as I feel once I let my guard down I begin to lost control.

*dad

It's a case of necessity a lot of the time and learnt behaviour. I had a lot of injuries growing up and parents who were in denial of my health issues so I had to reassure them and sort myself out. I had to pull though no matter how bad it was. Then when me and DD nearly died in hospital everyone still looked to me to be the strong one. I was done. I had therapy for PND and PNA, and the first thing was therapist said was 'it sounds like you're parenting a lot of adults'. I recounted a time where I stormed out of a family dinner and everyone just sat there, no one came to check on me, no one went to sort DD, no one cleared up. She said no 'because its like when the teacher leaves the classroom and the children just sit looking at each other not knowing what to do once the grownup has left'. I have had to be fairly brutal to change it. It doesn't mean I dont sometimes find myself in the same place but now I leave other adults to it and take what they say at face value rather than trying to sort their problems. It's very liberating.

@motherrunner sounds familiar

That feeling of 'losing control' when you let your guard down was a warning of genuine potential danger when you were a kid, so it makes sense that it brings up the same sensation now.

So the question becomes: is it time to readjust a little, given that the danger is no longer there (I'm assuming)?

I do think things for me have improved when I had to move away from a friends group to start a postgrad degree. ALthough I missed them a lot it was strangely liberating since no-one was making demands of me. Thing is, for me and to some extent we are still the ones who call people make things happen.

One thing that led me to start evaluating who were friends and who were co-dependant was when my father had a near-fatal stroke. It was strange that those I had given the most support gave me tumbleweeds at that point.

But yes, it isn't that we don't want to be looked after, we want people to pay attention and phone us for once to hang out, not because they want something.

Oh yes I do agree, OP. Had a major row with DH the other day because he thought I didn’t care about a health issue I have that I can’t get sorted till normality returns (it needs hands on attention but isn’t life threatening). Actually I care very much but was putting a brave face on it so as not to worry him. You can’t do right for doing wrong sometimes

I know where you're coming from OP.
DD's mental health was poor before this kicked off and this has sent her into a nosedive needing a load of TLC.
DH is usually great, but spends a lot of time outdoors normally, and he tends to go 'in' on himself when stressed.
DD really wants a dog. DH not at all keen and won't engage as to whether it could work. I'm stuck in the middle.

Yep.

You need better communication.

How do the people around you know you need help? If you wear your resilience like a badge of pride, can they help without you feeling that they think you can't cope?

Try saying "I'm finding this difficult, can someone else sort XYZ" or (my go to at home) "I'm just feeling down, can I have a hug" (try saying it in your head first - does that make YOU feel anxious - is it a control thing?)

Resilience is often used as an excuse to do everything your way, to not let others try and fail.

You do not have to "keep them going" or "take on their worries" - that is not resilience, that is control - as a manager you need to get them to work together as a team, as a partner you need to work together to help them to handle their worries - and to remember you have yours - as a part of the wider picture of your partnership.

It's the drama triangle. Apparently we favour one position, especially when stressed or distressed. Rescuer (what we're discussing), victim or persecutor.

@BeyondMyWits Did you not read my post that said I’m not wearing it with pride? I’m just saying I feel that I have a role in most relationships where I keep on going and others look to me to do that. Not a controlling person at all. But people do look to their team leader to make decisions etc. and increasingly so in uncertain times.

Most of the time it’s OK but I’m saying just sometimes I wish people would think whether I need any support.

For example we’ve had a family problem this week and DH just withdrew because he said his mental health was fragile. So I had to deal with it. I think my approach enables him to withdraw if you see what I mean.. he knows I will sort things. He’s not using me ..he genuinely has some mental health difficulties chiefly anxiety. But the point of my post was I just feel alone at times in this.

@ladybee28 So true, but I’m 41 now. Hard to shake the role I seemed to have made myself. I hate it and it’s comfort at the same time.

@MrsGrindah I sympathise. It’s hard to reach out in RL. We have to live up to the persona we have created. Ice had CBT but have still never been able to break out of my ‘strong’ role. I think that’s why I find it easier to ‘talk’ here - anonymous. Here’s to a virtual show of strength.

*I’ve - I seriously need to wear my glasses all the time!

Well, after all my 'I used to be the resilient one, now I'm doing better', turns out I'm not so evolved as I thought.

Just had my first panic attack in 10 years and chose not to call anyone. Don't want my DP to worry about me any more than he already is, and don't want my friends to think I'm not coping.

I'd like to think I'd call a friend to talk, but I know I won't.

So much for having broken old habits.

That's rough. But I think you will find out who your friends really are if you do open up to them. Be prepared for tumbleweeds though.

For me, my main fault was although I didn't hide when I wasn't coping I didn't necessary tell people because I would only do that if it came up in conversation. Was a shock to find out how dense and selectively deaf some people were.

I feel the same as you OP. I'd love someone to look after me from time to time.

I am a single parent, my family is shit and I seem to have taken a "looking after" type role in my job too. My friends are lovely, but still. I know what you mean.

I totally feel the same way OP, and on top of that I of course feel guilty for feeling like that

@WomanIsTaken also coming on to say brilliant post and spot on with the resilience of children bollocks. They have no choice and it just suits people’s narrative sometimes. I too am exhausted with holding it together. I will put on my smiley face and be positive and enthusiastic and cheer everyone else up today at work and at home. I want to crawl back under my quilt and sleep. to all of us holding it all
together

I get it OP.

The thing is, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

When I said at some point “I’m not coping” all I heard was “the other people have it worse”

I had to cope.

Yet if somebody’s in the family has some issues I’m supposed to be caring, full of sympathy and compassion.

I’m done.

Life threw quite a lot of shit in our direction (and keep throwing) and a few weeks ago I said toDH that my mental septic tank is full and I can’t take any more shit.

I have enough shit to deal with myself, nevermind somebody elses.

I’m still willing to help/listen to/advise to somebody in genuine need but I had to tell my family member to step back and give me a break (they went off in a huff).
DH was asked to deal with family on his side.
I’m sick of people thriving on dramas of their own creation. I want peace.