What do you do if SS refuse to help, and you can't cope any more?

[UtterlyDefeated]

My teenage DC is autistic and deeply disturbed. They haven't been to school this whole academic year. We are being physically and verbally abused daily. Our house is being trashed. A window has been broken. Younger DC is being bullied. Everyone's health is suffering, especially autistic DC who doesn't leave the house and has no exercise they are still shouting and screaming after hours and hours. No one can sleep.

I've begged social services for help, they don't want to know. Refused to give us a disabled child or carers assessment. Referred us to a local SN charity who can't do much to help at the moment.

I can't cope. I can't go on.

Does anyone have any ideas on what I can do or who I can contact?

Thanks

I agree with Susanna that this sounds like psychosis.

I strongly suggest you get her to a hospital A&E.

I honestly think police wouldn't be a bad idea. For the simple reason that SS might say no to you but to a police referral? I'm thinking that their involvement would lend you credibility, not that you should need it but in terms of getting the help you are legally entitled to, you'd have them (SS) over a barrel.

I also would recommend the approach by Yvonne Newbold. She has a closed Facebook group for parents of children with SEN who are violent. More information here.

Good morning *UtterlyDefeated. I hope today's a better day for you all. Sorry I'm late to respond but it was my turn to lock horns with my ASD teen!
Although I can see you are doing a lot already I was wondering if there may be a sort of safe way she can be allowed to let some of her frustration out? I find with my teen his hormones plus asd and other issues have totally shaken up our previous ways of doing things and we too have surges of unpredictable and violent behaviours (nothing like the meltdowns at all)
We also had a stage of yelling "help" out of windows, random screaming, shouting, swears at himself because he is confused about his feelings, hitting himself and others and I too begged social to intervene. At one point I considered having him removed for the safety of his siblings and begged my G.P who only asked me if I was depressed....that was years ago and no one responded to my requests for help. In the end I requested a family worker and I'm so so glad I did, its someone who works with us both and gives myself and my child a different perspective on things and he can tell them what frustrates him at home or school and we come up with a solution where we can, it helps that he not only feels listened to but (unlike a therapist) they can tell me what he feels that he has been unable to say to us, obviously some things are confidential but most of the time its I hate when Mum does X or Dad says Y or school won't let me Z and she will contact me to discuss ways that we can compromise.
While things are not perfect i have adapted my techniques to try and adjust to his needs as and when and 'try to' respect his opinions and not place too many demands on him at once, but we do have a few non negotiable boundaries such as going to school, wearing proper uniform, taking meds etc
Since my child hit puberty (screw you teenage hormones!) I realised that its no longer as simple as giving hugs and telling him to calm down, he's like a shaken up bottle of fizz and at times we need to allow him to release the pressure.
If I don't steer him toward something he tends to find the wrong ways to do it himself, like stamping on the floor too hard or slapping himself, picking his skin, screaming so I have to pre-empt those behaviours and have alternatives ready, like if he has to scream he must do it into a pillow.
Some days we can calm by some aggressive jumping on the trampoline, he is also calmed by spinning, so I managed to make a tyre swing for him to use, I also keep some things handy outside like polystyrene packaging or just sticks that he can snap and break he tends to roar while he does this (sorry neighbours) but it does take the edge off his moods. The destructive stuff is only allowed at home and under parents supervision, so sometimes he'll come hime from school and go straight on trampo for 2 hours!
At school he has stress balls, and is allowed to tear paper, but its not always enough and he tends to start screaming.
I am trying to teach him some techniques that are better to use in public situations such as running on the spot, using resistance bands and pushing against a solid object.

Would anything like that work for your child?
Is there a way to look at her behaviours and rather than trying to stop them completely, see what alternative you can offer her?

I know its not a cure all and im not meaning to promote allowing aggressive behaviours, but for my child its the only way of letting off steam, just like when they were toddlers and didnt understand their emotions we let them tantrum and cry it out! As old as my child is, thanks to his ASD, he still has the issue of not understanding all his emotions so
most times it helps to be allowed to (safely) let it go.

I forgot to add (to my long winded post)
I do not agree with people suggesting you call police or taking her to a police station at all...how frightening for a child, olease dont.
It's not as if she's your typical mouthy teen who needs scaring straight. I'll assume those making those suggestion are parents of NT children. There are other issues here and as her parent and carer you need to think of how that will make her feel towards you, she NEEDS to be able to trust you or your heading for free fall.
It will get better OK x
You just need to find what works for you both and a trusting relationship is necessary for that. She must know that your on her side even if you do need additional help.

There is a disabled children's social service, I never got round to needing it myself, but I hear they are the ones you would want to deal with as they are more understanding towards parents and kids with additional needs and can arrange respite etc
If you are struggling just keep ringing and annoying your g.p or paediatrician and if you are desperate, going to A and E is a much better idea than a police station.
Sending lots of love and strength xxx

Thank you so much for your post, @AllTeaAllShade. I’m so pleased to read that things have improved for you and your son and you’ve been able to identify and adopt coping strategies for both you and him.

Had a fraught few days, but less violence than before. Eagerly awaiting prescription from psychiatrist arriving through the post (for anti psychotic, risperodone).

Funnily enough, I had been talking to DD during a calm moment about finding something on which she could vent her anger and frustration, and she thought a punchbag may be a good idea. I am investigating on Amazon today!
Her lack of physical activity must really be exacerbating things, so much pent up energy waiting to escape. We ask her every day to come out with us for a walk or encourage her to go on trampoline or treadmill, but she just won’t. It’s a sad fact that for so many people exercise could help so much, but they need some sort of push to be able to get on and do it in the first place. It’s something we’re aiming for, though.

We’re trying to reinstate a bit more structure and some of the boundaries that had gone by the wayside. Structure and “must dos” certainly help, but there’s so little going on in her life to work around. She hasn’t been to school since last July, so doesn’t have that structure or regularity. She does want to go back though, which is something.

SS disabled children’s service have already told us to get lost, unfortunately.
Who do you approach to ask for a family worker? It’s not a service I’d heard of before, but does sound good.

I take your point about the police: it’s important to maintain trust and for DD to believe that we’re on her side, even when she’s punching us. Sometimes though, it’s such a horrific and dangerous situation. The A&E suggestion from other posters may be a better option: DD knows she’s not well and needs help, so won’t see this as so much of a betrayal.

Thanks again so much for your advice. Yes, puberty and autism is a toxic and explosive mix!

I will just mention that not all social service/care departments have accepted diagnosis of autism as meeting the criteria for children with disabilities teams.
I worked in one LA where only a significant LD such as needed a special school or a physical disability met the criteria.
I would like to think that had changed as these teams are the most helpful for people in OP's situation but it might be worth finding out what the criteria is for them before putting significant energy into that route. It was just a non starter in that LA.

Evening @UtterlyDefeated just seen your post.

Hoping you're over the worst of it for now and can have a calm few days. Hopefully script turns up soon.
Does DD acknowledge that meds help or is that just another battle?

Good to know you and your DD are able to come up with some ideas together.

I agree exercise can be a great thing if they focus on it but they have to want to do it without us constantly nagging them.

I never thought or a treadmill thats a great idea by the way! I'm struggling to get my eldest out for walks, he's taking government advice too literally and panics whenever I go out the door

Typical of teens they dont want to be out on boring walks with their parents haha.
And yes I agree lack of usual routine can make most kids fall apart.

I got my latest referal through school...Which should be possible if your DD is still enrolled, if not you should be able to access them through your local authority, I think you would ask for children and family services, The support worker could be a great help to transition your DD back into school if thats what she wants.
Another option is to contact your local children's centre and askafor a referal as they now offer support for children up to 19 years old.

My support worker is still available over the phone so if you have any issues, please private message me and I'll ask her if she can help.
I was only told about disabled children's ss by my support worker, I never knew they existed but luckily we didn't need them.
If ever I have any issues she tends to handle it all...eg booking emergency appts and attending meetings and appts with us, its made a great difference and taken some of the stress of my shoulders!

Best of luck xx

How are you OP?