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Original poster

How many men do you know that would agree to be be sperm donors?

29 replies

RedRed9 · 16/04/2020 22:44

If you have a DP who is a man, can you ask them what they’d say if X friend asked them to be a sperm donor for them? (And how would you feel about it?)

Also, can you think of any men you would seriously ask if you needed a donor?

I’m a lesbian and feeling down about the cost of fertility treatment and donor sperm. I was reading old threads on it and ‘just ask a male friend’ gets said on nearly every one. It made me wonder what most males would actually say if asked.

OP posts:
Mucklowe · 16/04/2020 22:45

Mine would donate anonymously but not to a friend.

Cnoc · 16/04/2020 22:50

Years ago, DH became aware that two lesbian friends of ours were considering asking him, so he politely headed them off in advance, we remain friends, and they have not had a child. But we have, despite not planning to when this was happening. I think it was actually pretty instructive in that it made us think about the possibility of a child of DH’s being out in the world, not being ours.

Cnoc · 16/04/2020 22:53

Oh, and another lesbian couple who are friends of ours had their daughter via ‘embryo adoption’ from a Spanish clinic after a stillbirth from a sperm donor pregnancy.

MuchTooTired · 16/04/2020 22:53

Mine would for a friend if asked apparently. I’d be extremely unhappy with the idea, for reasons I can’t really articulate, but I felt the same when we were undergoing ivf and we had a discussion about using donor eggs/sperm if needs be.

I couldn’t donate my eggs to anyone as I just could not undergo another round of egg collection.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 16/04/2020 22:53

I asked two friends, one single the other in a long term relationship, neither with children. Both said no. I went through a sperm bank and my daughter can find out her dad's identity when she's 18.

MistyIsland · 16/04/2020 23:00

Just asked Dh and he said No. (Not that he could now as he’s had the snip)

I wouldn’t be overly happy about him donating sperm to a friend, the idea doesn’t sit well with me, it would mean our children could possibly have a half sibling.

AgeLikeWine · 16/04/2020 23:00

My DP would firmly but politely say no, because he is childfree by choice, and his view that he does not want to be a parent under any circumstances is absolute and non-negotiatiable.

That said, nobody who knows him well would ever dream of asking him, for exactly that reason.

MitziK · 16/04/2020 23:02

A couple (friends) asked for exactly that. Not one of our mates wanted to do it - they all said, independently, that they didn't think it was right to bring a child into the world and then not have more than an occasional visit if the legal parents felt like it as involvement in the child's life.

Fantasiaa · 16/04/2020 23:03

None tbh

YesItsMeIDontCare · 16/04/2020 23:06

DH says absolutely not, he says it would feel like cheating on me 🤷🏼‍♀️.

He wouldn't donate to a sperm bank either due to the fact that it's not anonymous anymore.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 16/04/2020 23:09

I have a very good friend who was donor conceived who (accidentally) traced her father through one of the DNA family test things. She's almost 40 so was conceived before anonymity was prohibited. And there's a reason why anonymity shouldn't be allowed - the revelation in her has blown up so many people's lives, as is common.

It used to be that blokes could do it at Uni for £30 a pop, for a student in the 70's and 80's that's beer money for a week, and they'll never hear of it again...we'll they weren't to know that in the not so distant future technology could mean their anonymity is quashed completely. When laws were brought in in the 90's to allow disclosure to donor conceived children, sperm donation fell massively. It relies on the good will of men who don't mind having the odd kid around who could contact them in 18 years time if need be. I really don't think I know any man like that personally

weegiemum · 16/04/2020 23:11

Once we were faced by this as a family member asked.

His initial reaction was no, he's had a vasectomy but apparently you can still extract sperm from the testicle. So we had to think it over more deeply.

In the end it was his decision (and his family) and he decided no, he couldn't see a child of his grow up in another family while a half-sibling to our 3 dc. He'd want to be as involved as the dad he really was, and that could never happen, so he said no.

They were a bit taken aback with that, said they thought he was the sort of "giving" person who would say yes. It caused a bit of a strained relationship for a while, and I'm not sure the relationship has ever recovered, but we live quite a way away and don't see them often, maybe once every 2 years. I think they'd set their hopes on dh as they haven't had a child.

Original poster
RedRed9 · 16/04/2020 23:13

Thanks for all your responses.

The ‘just ask a male friend’ crowd had me feeling bad. Like I didn’t have enough friends, or the right kind of friend.

It’s interesting to hear everyone’s point of view.

OP posts:
FrippEnos · 16/04/2020 23:16

Given the legal ramifications of not donating through a legal clinic, I don't know anyone that would be stupid enough to do it.

AintOverUntilTheCatLadySings · 16/04/2020 23:16

I have a friend looking to conceive with donor sperm and I'd be happy if DH donated to her. However, only if we manage to have dc2 that we've been trying, and failing, for due to repeat mcs, beforehand.

I'd see any resulting child as an extension of our family.

DH wouldn't donate though. And in reality, we'd be financially liable for this extra child (who might even have a claim on our DC's inheritance) under UK law so would never actually do it.

ThenSheSaidMore · 16/04/2020 23:23

DH said no, it would be too weird.

I know I couldn't donate eggs because I just couldn't see a child I was genetically linked to walking around and not want to be very close to them. Same with if my DH had a child who he was linked to- I cant see our child having a half sibling we couldn't bring up.

Additionally, we have faced fertility problems and only have one child as a result, not male factor, but it would very much smart if DH has a child with someone else.

MrsFriskers · 17/04/2020 00:03

Are you flipping the question? I only donated my eggs, after a very long deliberation and counselling, and serious medical procedures, to allow my very best friend to go to the top of the donor recipient list. She understood she would absolutely have had no access to my follicles. I understand I have bio children I will never know. She /we tried, and she was so grateful, but it didn’t end well. The point being that sperm donation is comparatively easy.

BadLad · 17/04/2020 00:14

I wouldn't. I might have done in the past, but the changes meaning that I could be contacted in future have put me off completely.

Even if I were happy with being contacted, I'd worry about what other changes might be brought in in the future.

I don't think anybody would actually ask me anyway.

Original poster
RedRed9 · 17/04/2020 00:22

The point being that sperm donation is comparatively easy.
Do you mean less evasive?

OP posts:
DaveMinion · 17/04/2020 01:10

I haven’t asked him but I think he would say no. We have had fertility issues for years from both sides. He has azoospermia so couldn’t really be of much use anyway (he’d need surgery to find sperm in his tubes).

Not something we tell everyone (in fact I don’t think we’ve even told our closest friends that) so just a point of view that you don’t know what people’s situations are if you do ask. Just be prepared. Xx.

peppermintcapsules · 17/04/2020 01:24

I don't know any who would be sperm donors now as it's not anonymous, especially with those DNA kits now. If someone asked OH it would be NO because I'd leave him if he did that. It's a shitty thing to do a child, IMO, and to his existing children, or to the children he has in a partnership later, there's this human being out there that's half theirs or half their sibling.

Original poster
RedRed9 · 17/04/2020 09:00

It's a shitty thing to do a child,

Have I got this right: You think no one should be a sperm/egg donor? @peppermintcapsules

OP posts:
Spam88 · 17/04/2020 09:04

No idea what my DH's view is (I'll ask him at lunch) but I wouldn't let him.

Original poster
RedRed9 · 21/04/2020 09:51

Is it because you wouldn’t like that he’d have a biological child out in the world @Spam88 or a different reason?

OP posts:
Fedhimtotigers · 21/04/2020 10:31

My husband would not.
But if he would I would object.