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Original poster

Have you planned or discussed your funeral with family?

47 replies

FabbyChix · 15/04/2020 21:03

My sister who I live with knows someone who passes in the virus and said it’s a shame only six can attend. I said when I go I want a closed cremation where I’m cremated with no service and I don’t want a plaque or flowers. She said that’s unfair. Why? I’m dead funerals are for the living who cry for their own loss.

I really wouldn’t mind a paupers service so that no one knew when or where.

Do you have any thoughts on how you wish to be paid to rest?

OP posts:

Original poster

FabbyChix · 15/04/2020 21:04

Laid to rest - sorry

OP posts:

Onekidnoclue · 15/04/2020 21:06

Don’t mind in the least and have told people so. Whatever happens is with my blessing!
Much easier than my FIL who hates all possible options so we know we’ll def have got it wrong!

gamerchick · 15/04/2020 21:07

We're having direct cremations. They're cheaper and yes I know the left behind won't know exact when, where or what time.

They are welcome to have a gathering to say goodbye if they want. Get someone in to say a few words even.

Funerals give me the Heebies. I don't want one, even if I am dead.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/04/2020 21:12

Yes, I haven’t ironed out all the details but DH and I have discussed what we each want over the years and I’ve talked to my mum about exactly what she wants as I’m her next of kin.

My friend died in a sudden tragic accident and no one knew what he wanted - he was young and newly married, doubt he’d ever thought about dying - and trying to work out what would be right for him was so tough for his wife and parents.

The idea of grieving my husband and having the stress of trying to work out a fitting ceremony on top is dreadful and I feel glad it’s something I won’t have to do, I owe him the same.

Everyone needs to talk about this stuff. It’s important.

user1471453601 · 15/04/2020 21:15

I've left my body to the local teaching hospital, if they can take it, it's a bit complicated.

If this cannot happen my next of kin knows exactly what I want, and what I would like my end of life care to be. Neither my DD nor I have any qualms about acknowledging that I'll die. It's a fact of life.

I think it's a bit daft not to acknowledge the inevitable

bigbluebus · 15/04/2020 21:22

But if you had planned it and discussed it with your next of kin and were then unfortunate enough to die in the current lockdown, none of your wishes would be carried out anyway.

Chewbecca · 15/04/2020 21:27

No, I don't care. Happy for my family to organise whatever suits them, impossible to get it 'wrong'.

I do have a will, that's essential IMO but no funeral instructions or requests whatsoever.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/04/2020 21:28

I’m dead funerals are for the living who cry for their own loss.
So would you not want to give them what final comfort you could? If funerals are for the living, why deny them that?

moveoverhogger · 15/04/2020 21:30

Your sisters right funerals are for the living. I don't have any wishes for when I'm dead, it's up to those left behind to spend as much or as little as they want on a ceremony they want and they know they have my blessing to make whatever decision works for them.

OldPeculier · 15/04/2020 21:31

When my Mum died suddenly, I had no idea what she wanted. Making the decisions in a strict timescale, on her behalf when you’re in the throes of grief is traumatic to say the least and I can’t possibly tell you a decade letter, if I made any of the right ones. That’s why I’ve opted for a direct cremation. DH and DCs will get my ashes and they can do whatever suits them in their own time. Less teams all round.

moveoverhogger · 15/04/2020 21:31

Sorry you're right that funerals are for the living

OldPeculier · 15/04/2020 21:32

Less trauma all round.
Excuse me!

Iris243 · 15/04/2020 21:33

I had a conversation with DH about this when he got symptoms- luckily he’s fine.

He wanted to be buried. I told him how it would freak me out and we agreed on a car board box decorated by our daughter. With his ashes scattered in the field outside our house, maybe one of those rings. And the same for me.

Weirdest conversation ever. Also have our insurance/ financial plans sorted. I’m a worrier and always need to have a plan.

Iris243 · 15/04/2020 21:36

Cardboard box!

HT96 · 15/04/2020 21:40

I don't care about a funeral at all it is what ever they want, as long as I am buried so my kids have some were to go and 'see' me, I am happy!

Sounds stupid but it really helped me when my nan died! Really wish I could go and put her some flowers down but cant due to lockdown 😌

wonderstuff · 15/04/2020 21:40

Yes, not since covid, but when my dad died I had no idea, he probably didn't really ever give it much thought, but it was hard, again with an uncle for whom I was next of kin. I was going to scatter dads ashes last weekend. Took years to decide where to put him. He's still in my garage, I don't think he'd mind in the circumstances.

I want a natural burial, no marker, wicker coffin, humanist ceremony. I like the idea of decomposing in woodland.

Snorkelface · 15/04/2020 21:48

Same as you FabbyChix, direct cremation. But I know where I want my ashes scattered. The thought of only a few people being able to attend the funeral for the time being is the only thing keeping my mother safely in doors for fear of not having her state funeral style plans shattered.

1066vegan · 15/04/2020 21:54

I wanted a natural burial until I saw the prices. Now I've decided to go for a direct cremation.

lifestooshort123 · 15/04/2020 21:57

My sister died a sudden death and even though I was in a dreadful state (I found her), I was so pleased to find a folder on her pc with all her wishes in it - cremation, immediate family only, meal at local restaurant. She also had all her contact details, bank accounts etc, listed. It made a painful period slightly more bearable so I have since done the same (direct cremation instead) and my children have my log-in details so they can find the folder! It's given me peace of mind.

MrsT1405 · 15/04/2020 22:04

Here in Spain, the funeral should be very quick . Maximum 48 hours after death. A couple I know have had direct cremation. That's straight from the hospital to the crematorium. That's exactly what I want, and I've made sure my dh knows. It's only a shell after all.

FrogFairy · 15/04/2020 22:08

Long before Covid-19 my parents and I all decided we want direct cremation.

I did originally want to donate my remains to medical research but am currently too fat and also missing my uterus and ovaries so perhaps not suitable.

DinosApple · 15/04/2020 22:14

Yes the folder of important info is what I need for at least 5 people I'm related to, and for DH and I.

DH wants to be buried. Catholic funeral service for me, and on balance I think burial, the churchyard where we live is so peaceful and full of wildlife. And I personally prefer a burial service.

TARSCOUT · 16/04/2020 00:24

Yes! Have will, POA and Advance Directive in place. Amazing how easy it is compared to when nothing done! Cheapest coffin, loads of flowers, cremation, no music, no mourners apart from immediate family and no wake. Scatter ashes beside grandparents. DP total opposite of mine, only in agreement about cremation. I would honour his wishes and he would honour mine. I see so many people not doing this its unthinkable.

lyralalala · 16/04/2020 04:53

I have a basic outline for them and then they know that the most important thing is that they can do whatever they want.

A friend of mine left extremely specific instructions for her funeral. Location, music, no mourners in black, specific kind of wake - every single thing was absolutely detailed.
It put her husband under a lot of pressure financially. Also he and the children wanted to keep one of the songs that was something they all sang too a lot for them, but felt obliged to play it at her funeral, they now can't listen to it.
Her mother and grandmother (she died in her early 30s) also really struggled to go to their DD and DGD's funeral in bright clothes as it felt disrespectful to them - especially her Granny.

At the end of the day it makes no difference to the dead, but it can make the process easier or harder for those left behind. Mine will have the money to pay for it, a long list of music I like that they can pick from or ignore and enough loose plans that they'll have no doubt I'd approve, but not enough detail that they'll feel hemmed in

Blobby10 · 16/04/2020 07:56

I've asked my children not to hold a funeral for me, just to have me cremated as quickly and cheaply as possible and then for the three of them to take my ashes to my favourite beach, stand on the cliffs (when there is an offshore wind of course) and let me fly.

My mother thinks that's disgusting of me especially if I die before her as she and my siblings will want to say goodbye 'properly'.

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