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Original poster

Overwhelming guilt and sadness after abortion

42 replies

laylalay · 14/04/2020 15:32

I'm a 27 year old girl, who's recently married (Nov 2019). I fell pregnant at the end of February 2020. I took the test alone and the positive reading left me with a type of happiness and joy I'd never felt before.
I kept the news from my husband for a few days has he was stressed and I wanted to tell the right time. When I came round to telling him, I asked him to stay with me as I retook another test, I did this in front of him because I wanted him to feel the euphoria I felt, but this was far from what I was prepared for. When he saw the positive he shouted and swore at me, accused me of tricking him and told me neither he nor his family want this child. I was left standing alone in unbearable pain and at this point I was 4 weeks gone, so very hormonal and sensitive. This pain remained and became the baseline of my heavy heart. I was pregnant but had to pause my natural emotions and joy. I forced myself to disconnect. He pressured me into a abortion I cried the whole way to there and during.
After the abortion the physical pain that came with it comforted me because I knew what I was doing was wrong. 3 weeks after my physical and emotional pain Mothers day came, I felt emotional on this day but concentrated on celebrating my mother-in law.
That morning I caught my husband masturbating to some young naked girl online, I felt sick and still do when I repay it. Since trust in him is shattered, I get triggers of extreme resentment and anger towards him. I hate myself for not being strong enough to stand up to him and tell him I already love this baby and I want it. I hate myself for taking the pills, and inducing my body to bleed out.

I thought time would help but my pain and anger is getting worse. He has not mentioned it he doesn't acknowledge the pain he brought upon me. He doesn't see my sadness. I keep wishing this was a bad dream and rather he had taken my hand and told me not to worry and that we can keep the baby and that he wouldn't put me through the pain of termination.

I have cried everyday since and falling into a deep sadness. None of my friends or family know, I feel alone and like I am drowning in my guilt.

OP posts:
VisionQuest · 14/04/2020 15:36

Well what his family wanted is neither here nor there! None of their bloody business.

Is he older than you? Any reason why he reacted so badly? Had you talked about having children before?

Personally I'm not sure how you move on from something like this and still be married to him. He had behaved in a horrendous manner.

Branleuse · 14/04/2020 15:37

id find it very hard to forgive him. Have you been married long? Had you never discussed children? Whats your future plan? You sound as if you feel resigned to this man being your lot in life, when actually youre in your absolute prime of life. Dickhead men are two-a-penny. There is no reason to settle for someone that treats you badly

CleansUpPenguinPoo · 14/04/2020 15:48

What a devastating situation to find yourself in. Your marriage isn't even six months old yet and he's treating you like this. You say you haven't told your friends and family, but you need support right now, are you unwilling or unable to tell them, is he stopping you from contacting them? Seriously, you need help and support from outside your husband's family, please consider contacting someone you feel you can trust.

Original poster
laylalay · 14/04/2020 15:52

I got married in November. No he is 27 as well. I don't know why he reacted so badly, as he has always expressed wanted children.

He told me that that he feared me being pregnant would affect our sex life and we would not be able to enjoy being newlyweds, which I took on board however after find him masturbating I felt sick.

I try so hard but I can't see him in the same light as I did, he has caused me so much pain and doesnt see it.

OP posts:
drunkyhumptydumpty · 14/04/2020 15:58

I am so so sorry.

Think of it this way. You found out what an utter cunt he is early. And now you can walk away with no tie to him. You can be free. Find someone who will value and love you.

You can research divorces online. What assets do you have? Do you have parents?

Original poster
laylalay · 14/04/2020 15:58

I haven't told my family because it would break my mums heart, and she been so happy since my wedding. The same goes for my siblings I don't want them to see me in this pain, I am also ashamed so can't even get the words out. I have come close to telling my friends but get overwhelmed and cry for hours before my words even come out. I feel numb.

OP posts:
drunkyhumptydumpty · 14/04/2020 16:00

You need their support. How far away are they? Do they have room for you to stay?

Original poster
laylalay · 14/04/2020 16:01

should I divorce him? i am so fragile at the moment i cant even think that far ahead

OP posts:
drunkyhumptydumpty · 14/04/2020 16:02

Honestly. Can you ever forgive him?
Did you two talk about children before? Was there a plan?
How did he treat you during this? Did he comfort you? Listen to you?

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 14/04/2020 16:04

If you were my daughter I would just want to hug you .
You must be going through immense pain , please don't keep it all in , it will make you unwell . Your husband clearly does not care about your feelings but please confide in friends and/ or family . No one will put the blame on you I promise- you have done nothing wrong so please dont be ashamed/ embarrassed.
Do your parents have room for you ? I would isolate there until the end of lockdown and then see a solicitor, imo there's no way back from this .
Flowers

Original poster
laylalay · 14/04/2020 16:07

To be honest I am at a point where I just want the pain to stop.
He sat and held my hand as i cried for hours and held me at night when I screamed and cried in my sleep - but he still drove me to the clinic and made me have the soul crushing procedure so it's really left me leaving confused and numb.
forgiving him is the last thing on my mind, I just want to heal and stop the sadness

OP posts:
SylvanianFrenemies · 14/04/2020 16:07

One step at a time. Reach out to someone who loves you and tell them what happened.

Your husband's behaviour around your pregnancy and forcing you into abortion has been despicable. You need to consider whether this relationship can give you what you need and deserve.

Pippinsqueak · 14/04/2020 16:08

I'm sorry you've been through this. I'm sure you're going to get the same replies but

  1. He's a selfish prick
  2. He's a dirty prick
  3. None of this is your fault
  4. This will only get worse
  5. You need to tell his family
  6. Leave him you don't deserve this

Have you got anyone to talk to ?

Original poster
laylalay · 14/04/2020 16:09

@Dontforgetyourbrolly your message really comforted me, thank you. yes my parents have room but this would break their hearts. do you think i should leave him?

OP posts:
Dontforgetyourbrolly · 14/04/2020 16:10

OP , is he controlling in other ways ? My heart is breaking for you . My ex tried to pressure me into a termination and unfortunately it started a long chain of events including emotional , mental and financial abuse.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 14/04/2020 16:12

Lalaya , only you know what to do but I really and honestly think you need people around you that care about you.
As a parent I can promise you, it would break my heart if I found out my child was suffering like this and they did not come to me for help .

Mintjulia · 14/04/2020 16:14

No decent man would pressurise his wife into an abortion against her wishes. He doesn't care about you, only about what HE wants - his sex life.

I can't see any way back from this. I'd go home to your parents, give yourself some time, and then take a decision only when you are clear.

You deserve much better. Flowers

KellyHall · 14/04/2020 16:16

Read you posts as if your best friend had written them. Think about what advice you'd give her.

If you were my friend with that story I'd tell you your husband is a hideous, selfish monster who has bullied and coerced you. And that you need to leave before he has the opportunity to do it all again.

drunkyhumptydumpty · 14/04/2020 16:18

He sat and held my hand as i cried for hours and held me at night when I screamed and cried in my sleep - but he still drove me to the clinic and made me have the soul crushing procedure

I could never get passed this.

What happens if you get pregnant again?

AniseedBall · 14/04/2020 16:23

You say this would break your parents' heart, if I was one of your parents what would break my heart would be to find out you have been suffering like this alone.

If not them, is there a friend you could speak to.

Original poster
laylalay · 14/04/2020 16:23

I feel traumatised by the thought of being pregnant.

OP posts:
Qwerty543 · 14/04/2020 16:27

Surely this would kill your sex life stone dead anyway. How could you bear to have him near you again after feeling this way.

MasterCat · 14/04/2020 16:30

Was he using condoms? What was the contraceptive situation?

NoToast · 14/04/2020 16:30

I'm sorry you've been through this

Tell me, if he found you masturbating to an online naked man would he be cool with it?

Run for the hills.

Pippinsqueak · 14/04/2020 16:31

Your parents will feel worse if you stay with him. I wouldn't bear to have him anywhere me.

Tell your parents they will support you