Overwhelming guilt and sadness after abortion

[laylalay]

I'm a 27 year old girl, who's recently married (Nov 2019). I fell pregnant at the end of February 2020. I took the test alone and the positive reading left me with a type of happiness and joy I'd never felt before.
I kept the news from my husband for a few days has he was stressed and I wanted to tell the right time. When I came round to telling him, I asked him to stay with me as I retook another test, I did this in front of him because I wanted him to feel the euphoria I felt, but this was far from what I was prepared for. When he saw the positive he shouted and swore at me, accused me of tricking him and told me neither he nor his family want this child. I was left standing alone in unbearable pain and at this point I was 4 weeks gone, so very hormonal and sensitive. This pain remained and became the baseline of my heavy heart. I was pregnant but had to pause my natural emotions and joy. I forced myself to disconnect. He pressured me into a abortion I cried the whole way to there and during.
After the abortion the physical pain that came with it comforted me because I knew what I was doing was wrong. 3 weeks after my physical and emotional pain Mothers day came, I felt emotional on this day but concentrated on celebrating my mother-in law.
That morning I caught my husband masturbating to some young naked girl online, I felt sick and still do when I repay it. Since trust in him is shattered, I get triggers of extreme resentment and anger towards him. I hate myself for not being strong enough to stand up to him and tell him I already love this baby and I want it. I hate myself for taking the pills, and inducing my body to bleed out.

I thought time would help but my pain and anger is getting worse. He has not mentioned it he doesn't acknowledge the pain he brought upon me. He doesn't see my sadness. I keep wishing this was a bad dream and rather he had taken my hand and told me not to worry and that we can keep the baby and that he wouldn't put me through the pain of termination.

I have cried everyday since and falling into a deep sadness. None of my friends or family know, I feel alone and like I am drowning in my guilt.

Divorce the prick.
Also they ask you if you was pressured into the decision so I take it you was scared to tell the truth. It's hard but you will get through this, from learning how horrible he has been towards you do you really want a child with this man?

You are better off without him.
I'd seek some advice from a doctor about maybe having some talking therapy after the lock down and pandemic is over. So sorry you are going through this alone.

@Dontforgetyourbrolly was he masturbating something normal? why did he hurt me so much? I still cant get over it

You need some support and he has demonstrated he a) isn’t going to give it b) doesn’t recognise you deserve it and c) is too self centred and down right unpleasant to think about anyone but himself. He’s supposed to love you, you are breaking and he doesn’t care. Your mum and siblings will want to hold you and love you and talk through your feelings and options. I genuinely want to hug you and tell you you can do anything you want and that you are special and precious. I also want to kick you man child of a husband in his balls. Take a deep breath and remember this uncertainty and trauma won’t last forever you will find a way forward. Google pregnancy counselling, you might benefit from so face time support to help you get to where ever you need to be. Take care of yourself.

This is not a man you want to have children with. He sounds horrendous.

OP in answer to your question he did those things because he is the c word .
One day you will see that, but now you are wounded and can't see clearly, he's made you feel it something to do with you, somehow your fault and it definitely is not .
You need space and perspective to see things clearly

Oh you poor thing. I wish I could give you a massive hug. I’m so sorry. I think you need to be rid of this beast. If he’s that much of a cunt after what 5 months. Do you honestly believe he’ll be any better or no worse after 5 years. He’s an evil wicked coward. If he didn’t want a child. He shouldn’t have dipped wick. That’s all it comes down to.
Also did the medics who were carrying out the procedure not ask if you were sure that you hadn’t been forced into it.
I also hate the way soaps portray terminations. eg Lola of Eastenders the other week. Oh I’ve had it, and that was it. Now after affects or anything. They make out it’s an easy decision. You never see the character in the throes of grief and regret.

Please just leave him. He is an abusive arse.

I can only tell you how I would feel @laylalay - and I would never be able to forgive a man who did this to me.

All he is concerned about is having a good sex life - and yet he is still masturbating to pictures of other women?! Masturbating is fine; getting off to other women is not.

I’m sorry OP. It really sounds like now he has you tethered to him he is just going to be horrible.

OP come back to us let us know you are ok.
I have a work zoom call soon but will be checking back later x

You need time to emotionally heal after the procedure. It can be a very low point! Don’t feel guilt or shame. It sounds like you were forced into it and that’s not in any form acceptable.
You need support and care at this time x

OP, get out whole you can. Go to a relatives who will have you - he is abusive and a vile POS who has put his dick before your wishes and health. What have his family's opinion got to do with it?

If you don't leave now you'll be miserable. I'm sorry you're going through this

Massive hug to you OP. You have done nothing wrong. Please speak to someone you love and trust and go and stay with your parents until the end of lockdown to give you some space away from your arsehole husband and give you time to process and think about your next steps.
I agree with most other PP in that I wouldn't be able to get past this and would be looking to divorce ASAP and nobody would blame you for wanting to do that!

If you were my child, my heart would be break at the thought that you wanted to protect me, when you are clearly the one who needs protection.

Not least from that absolute vile excuse of a man.

OP, believe us when we say.

Please pack a bag and go to your parents.
Tell your parents what has happened.
Tell your friends.
They would want to know that you are suffering so terribly from this extremely traumatic event.

You will not recover from this without kindness and support.

Your marriage is OVER.
Don't waste another minute on him.

Get yourself to your parents asap.

Hard to believe an abortion clinic would have not seen your distress and suspected coercion.

You poor woman.

My thoughts too Billy.
I think the clinic also need a kick up the arse too, somewhere along the line. Surely to God they have a duty of care.

I couldn't ever get over this (his behaviour mainly). LTB

OP don't worry about upsetting your mum. I think she'd be much more upset if it came out months/years from now that you went through that alone and didn't reach out to her. You need support just now. Please tell her and think about going to isolate with them. You're allowed to move to escape abuse.
I was married in November 2014 and fell pregnant in March 2015. Not completely planned. DH was surprised but completely over the moon. That pregnancy ended in MC but that's not the point. He has not treated you with respect. You deserve better.