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Original poster

DH being overly concerned - niggling me

44 replies

Greenleavesawash · 13/04/2020 22:14

DH has/is always been family focussed and I’d never have him down as a worrier (always been sensible, caring, thoughtful etc...)

However after realising that for past three weeks I have done the “big shop” every time - I have questioned why it’s me always doing it (every week we say - “when it’s your turn” etc and give tips on where queues begin and protocol re social distancing etc)

Tomorrow is vey much “his turn” and he’s just admitted he’s scared and can’t do it. Now I’m not cross and he’s also doing the other stuff (will go to corner shop, deal with deliveries, clean up etc) but the big supermarket shop is his concern.

At the moment he works (at home) as do I - our kids are older but still living at home (can’t drive) and in every aspect we are pulling together and doing fine, but this seems really odd

He has some health conditions but none affected by covid - I think he’s showing his natural worry side - but it’s a surprise

Anyone else surprised by their close family’s reaction too?

OP posts:
Pennywort · 13/04/2020 22:18

I’d be less than impressed if my husband was too scared to go to the supermarket in a pandemic, but was fine with me having to go regularly and undergo whatever risks he’s throwing a wobbly about, purely because he couldn’t face it. Hmm

Iggly · 13/04/2020 22:21

It is really weird doing a shop - I found it nerve wracking but mainly because I didn’t want to annoy anyone by accidentally breaching the 2m rule. More worried about that than catching COVID19 as I’ll be as careful as I can and if I get it, then hopefully it’ll be ok.

But DH is doing all the big shops. I have offered to go but he is fine with it.

I’d suggest talking to your DH about it. What exactly is his issue and why is he happy for you to take the risk?

Aderyn19 · 13/04/2020 22:22

This would kill a relationship for me. He doesn't love you enough to protect you above himself. We are all scared but when push comes to shove, he is putting himself first. Bit of a passion killer, that!

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SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 13/04/2020 22:24

Im finding the supermarket really surreal and stressful, it was pretty upsetting for me last time i went so DH is going instead because it doesnt bother him. I think thats a pretty normal way to split up chores though? I hate putting out the bins so he does that, he hates changing bedsheets so that's on me, etc...

FizzyPink · 13/04/2020 22:26

My DP was similar to this at the beginning actually before we even went into lockdown. It got to the point where he couldn’t leave the bathroom before going to work because the anxiety was giving him tummy problems. And he’s nothing like this in every day life and is normally very much the macho man.
He started taking Kalms and we got some masks and gloves and now he’s totally fine. I think it was the initial helplessness and lack of control of the situation he felt whereas normally he’s the man that sorts everything out.

SallyWD · 13/04/2020 22:26

He does realise that if you get it he will too? My DH is really scared but we take it in turns. He pointed out there's no point him avoiding the shops because if I get it the whole family will get it anyway.

Troels · 13/04/2020 22:42

I can see why he'd so freaked out about going.
First time I went during lockdown, I was so stressed I was pretty close to a panic attack and I haven't had one in many many years.
I'm getting better at it, and plan better and manage to get through, stressed but OK.
Does it bother you to do it if he's picking up the slack in other areas? Is it very important to you that he takes a turn and does it?
We all have strengths and weaknesses is.
Do you feel that strongly that he has to take a turn and do it, or are you willing to go each week and have him do other things?

Original poster
Greenleavesawash · 13/04/2020 22:49

I’m not hanging him out to dry here (or drip feeding) I have NO issue going but he clearly does which is something I choose to respect. He’s 20 years older than me and has cancer (still miraculously not in at risk group) so much hat could be it. Hi his is about dealing with rational and irrational fears and also how it makes me feel - there are no baddies here or broken relationships - just curious if others have had similar. Like I say he is doing everything else

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenleavesawash · 13/04/2020 23:02

Troels- I think you’ve nailed it in that the supermarket shop is “normal” to me and I know foibles of how it is now - he’s quite literal so when I say “this and that has changed and you do it this way instead of normal way” it’s unnerving. And you’re right I’m not wanting him to take his turn just trying to understand fears

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/04/2020 23:04

He's ok with you doing it though

Hmm

Original poster
Greenleavesawash · 13/04/2020 23:07

Nah don’t do that AnyFucker - you’re better than that usually

OP posts:
ElizaCBennett · 13/04/2020 23:21

If he is good in other ways and this is out of character for him just be kind. He can’t help it, we are living through difficult times and this has just found a chink in his armour

FlibbertyGiblets · 13/04/2020 23:35

He's living with cancer.

Ilovesausages · 13/04/2020 23:52

This thread is weird. It looks like you started it to get posters to be annoyed with your DH.

Then you say he has cancer. It makes sense that he would be really scared of going to the supermarket. Plus being male and 20 years older. He is higher risk than you?

Original poster
Greenleavesawash · 14/04/2020 00:01

I don’t start threads to get anyone annoyed at anything. I may be clumsy in title threads - so apologies if those who thought it was antagonist that was not intention. DH’s cancer diagnosis would not make him in an at risk group and nor is he socially distancing because of it. However I agree that his underlying health concerns (although not relevant to covid) may make him worry more and I’m sorry if I didn’t mention in original thread

OP posts:
MilkNoSugars · 14/04/2020 00:04

Well that was a bit of a drip feed.....Smile if he's living with cancer he's probably worried about going shopping (either consciously or subconsciously).

My FIL is exactly the same- has a health issue and since he's had it he's been very anxious and avoidant if other people- even before Covid-19 was here.

Ilovesausages · 14/04/2020 00:06

That’s ok Greenleavesawash. I’m sorry if I was snarky.

I wonder if living with cancer makes him feel very aware of his mortality which feeds the fear?

recycledbottle · 14/04/2020 00:17

If he is 20 years older than you and has cancer then you should do the shopping.

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/04/2020 00:19

You missed out very relevant information in your OP.

justilou1 · 14/04/2020 00:30

Health anxiety is undoubtedly a logical response to everything given his current situation. He also sounds a bit agoraphobic too. He’s very focused on the differences in the “new” outside world and hasn’t actually experienced them for himself. They sound like they terrify him.

justilou1 · 14/04/2020 00:31

Posted accidentally. While not a problem at the moment, what happens afterwards? Do you think he will be too afraid to leave the house? Maybe he needs some online counselling if it is available.

buckeejit · 14/04/2020 08:38

I haven't been to a supermarket yet. Will have to go in the next couple of weeks but I'm dreading it.

Dh could go but he's not a confident driver & I'm not sure I could trust him to be as militant as me about touching stuff, eg car door etc. I feel on the cusp of OCD when I've been to the little shop!

I think if he's doing plenty of other things & you don't mind then carry on - if you disinfect things maybe he could do that & putting groceries away?

SliAnChroi · 14/04/2020 08:40

He has cancer?! You left that out of the OP

TorkTorkBam · 14/04/2020 08:41

He is much higher risk than you being male, 20yrs older and with cancer.

I would be encouraging him to isolate more than me if I were you.

lunar1 · 14/04/2020 08:43

He's older, male and has cancer. I'm surprised you would actually want him to go shopping.

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