I can't cope anymore.

[ginandgingers92]

I can't cope right now. I think I'm on the verge of PND or a breakdown.

I've got a 7 week old (3 weeks adjusted) and a toddler and I'm finding this so hard.

My husband is a key worker and works shifts so it feels like he's never at home. I'm breastfeeding my newborn but 7 weeks in and it STILL hurts. Ive tried so many things to make it better. I can't get any meaningful support because of the current CV situation. Understandable but so hard. My baby is cluster feeding all afternoon, every afternoon, and I sit on the sofa, uncomfortable, daily telling my toddler I can't play with them right now.
My baby is either eating, sleeping or crying. There is no time where they seem content, and I don't know if it's too be expected due to adjusted age, or to be concerned about because they're like this at 7, nearly 8 weeks. They won't be put down, and can't be carried comfortably in a sling, so every time I have to do my toddler's tea, nappy, or play with him, there is screaming, like my baby is in pain. I worry how much this will damage them. I also worry how my toddler will be affected by the sudden lack of attention and play from me.

I haven't been outside in weeks. I had the worst pregnancy and shut myself off from a lot of people in attempt to cope, so I haven't had any semblance of a social life for over 9 months and I just feel so alone and not like 'myself' anymore.

I'm sitting here trying not to cry, whilst my baby feeds and my toddler eats dinner, but I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to cope. I've had MH struggles in the past and I worry about the path I may be going down. I haven't had mine and Baby's 6 week check yet, this won't be until baby is 11 weeks, so I haven't had a chance to discuss with my doctor.

I don't know what to do. I cannot imagine the rest of my maternity leave being like this.

That does sound very hard, but there is help out there. Please talk to someone, maybe this service will help? www.thecalmzone.net/help/get-help/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwm9D0BRCMARIsAIfvfIammmI8m0H5C_yDgoeE9BGTTJoW7Bzq7cBof4gXiHZdZ-TTcMkCtx8aAuf8EALw_wcB

That sounds so tough. I wish I could come over and help you. Can you speak to your doctor or someone else on the phone?

I know I'm going to probably be against the grain here but please consider switching to bottle feeding. We are all living in a strange pressure cooker right now and it seems that breast feeding may be too much right now. It doesnt come easily to some people, I've had three children who were bottle (failed breast), breast and bottle (choice) I made the choice to bottle feed my last because of the emotional toll it took on me with my second. She was a tiny baby at birth (although term and healthy) so fed every 45 minutes or so. It was exhausting in every sense. She was also only happy whilst being held which was very hard on my older DS. I'm of the school of thought that a FED baby is a happy baby wherever it comes from.

If the feeing is the main issue I agree with Maddening. Please also call your GP.

Bottle feed. Seriously. I went through all this with my dd to the point I sat there crying with bleeding nipples feeling like the worst mum in the world and developed the worst pnd ever. I switched to bottle feeding and honestly it made everything better. No pain. Gave a dummy and no more cluster feeding. Passed her to now ex dp to feed etc.

She is now 17 and whether I breast fed or bottle fed her it does not matter AT ALL. Not a single jot.

Do whatever works and gets you through this.

Bottle feed like others have said. You've done 7 weeks. You need to do what helps you cope.

I agree with the PP about stopping breastfeeding. You will get the breastfeeding warriors saying you must continue, but honestly you don't have to. Give yourself permission to stop and I think everything will feel much better.

Thank you for your replies. I've considered bottle and am still trying to work out of that would be the best thing for me. I tried to BF my toddler and it didn't work out and that (alongside the fact I had an elective CS, as I have had with this one) was definitely a contributing factor to my PND last time.
I've tried to give baby a dummy but she won't take it and she doesn't seem to like the bottle when my husband has given her expressed milk.
She was 4lb 6oz when born and last weigh in was just 7.5lbs, so I'm sure she's just trying to gain, but especially in the afternoon I am just on the sofa, saying no to my toddler. I feel so guilty.

I asked my midwife about a post birth 'debrief' as they call it and was told a referral would be made but I don't suppose it has.

I just want a bit of quiet for a while. Bless them, my toddler is a talkative 2 year old, so if it's not crying from littlest, it's chattering from them. It's incessant; I feel like I'm going mad.

So many people have it worse than I do right now and I feel bad for even complaining. I'm just worried about which way I'm going to go. I initially asked my husband to come home today , but when I realised he wouldn't be back until after toddler had gone to bed I decided there was no point. I feel like even telling him I was struggling today is going to make him worry about my ability to look after them.

My dd was like this

I switched to bottle feeding because i was anaemic through not sleeping and eating and feeling suicidal

Oh OP you can do this you know. I would further switching to a bottle if you can. Take it each day at a time. I feel for you so much. Are you able to get out for some gentle walks for your daily exercise? Take a flask of coffee and a bit of cake and squash for toddler get her to pick sone flowers etc. Nothing wrong with cbeebies/ peppa etc. And at this age you are everything to them, all they need is you remember so focus on taking time for you when you can, bath with music , any books. Its never going to get much harder than this. Hang on in there .

Firstly you are a hero!!! You should be incredibly proud of yourself!! You had a premature baby AND you've managed to breast feed her so so well that her weight gain is fantastic!! And that along side a toddler.
I've been at your stage many times in that I've had 8 children, had 3 under three and spent many an hour breastfeeding.
Whether you continue to breastfeed or not is entirely your decision. Feel no guilt either way!! What you do need to stop doing and STOP now is feeling guilty about giving your toddler attention or the baby having to cry whilst you make food or go to the toilet! It is just life and no one will die! Then you need to give your self permission to do what works! If what works is CBEEBIES or the iPad while you clusterfeed, prepare a bottle or make yourself some food then that's what happens!! And it happens as much as you need it to for now - with NO guilt!
Please, please make sure your DH does all the nappy changes , baths when he's there and food prep and just holding the baby if that is what's needed! I'm afraid at this point there is no down time for him!
This time WILL pass and it will get better. Baby will go longer without a feed, toddler will adjust a little bit more - gradually it will change! You really are doing a a great job! You just need to believe it!

Yes switch to the bottle. There’s far too much pressure to breast feed and it isn’t for everyone.

Bottle for your sanity

Have you got all the equipment ( bottles, sterilizer)? Perfect prep isn't necessary but great if you can afford it .

8 children 🙀

You are really doing so well.

Make your own decision about feeding; there is no right answer, only what works for you.

With regard to feeling guilty about the crying, really try not to. I am not a believer in letting a baby cry for hours on end BUT at the same time it was the common, even recommended way in the past and they survived - to be as happy or unhappy as the rest of the population. It's not great but it won't hurt them. (Strengthen their lungs we were always told )

Oh , I can't imagine having a baby & a toddler in the current circumstances. You're doing a great job, this is the most difficult it will ever get, I'm not surprised it feels overwhelming. This phase will pass, it will be easier to get out of the house in the summer, the kids will be more in a routine & hopefully some restrictions will have eased a bit. Can you go out for a walk by yourself when your partner is at home? Even of its only a short one it would do you good. Just keep reminding yourself you're doing really well and you will get through it.

I agree about the bottle suggestions by the way.

Honestly you're doing great.
Trying to balance children is hard work. You'll always feel like one is not having enough attention but you're there with them .
If you feel like FF would help definitely give it a shot especially if you're in pain.
Big virtual hug to you OP

I have a 4 year old and a 11 week old and a pandemic isn’t the time to be postnatal. I hear you. I see you. I am in a very similar boat. Be v v kind to yourself. You are a hero. Saying it to myself too.

Hi OP. I hope you're feeling better. I just wanted to jump in with some advice about your DD being premature. My DS was 5 weeks early and he was attached to me like Velcro for months. For 8 weeks he only slept on me. Not my husband, no one apart from me. Ever. I did breastfeed but it took a while to get into the rhythm because they don't have the suckle reflex at that age when born prematurely. He would take a bottle and a dummy though so I do think I had it easier than you. But I've felt the despair. It does get better! And I think you are very close to her starting to settle into a better routine. If I remember correctly, after 8 weeks I started cosleeping and he was going for a few hours at a time at night. Can you persevere with the sling? It didn't work for me because he was a sicky baby and he had to be lying down in order to not vomit all over me. I know it's hard but she wasn't ready to be born and she just needs to be close to you. I'm sure with her being your second you know about the fourth trimester as well so unfortunately you've got s double whammy. Good luck and it really does get better!!!

Sorry I also wanted to mention tongue tie. It doesn't necessarily present straight away with premature babies but because they tend to grow quickly their mouths sometimes don't keep up. DS had it but not until 4.5 months. Just worth thinking about if breastfeeding is hurting.

@littlemeitslyn

Who has 8 children?

@ginandgingers92 I would revisit your feeding choices. I say this as someone who had FF one, extended BF another and had to pump to tube feed my 3rd DC. For the most part I've gone for what option worked best and suited us all but I expressed for disabled DC3 for 6 months mainly out of guilt

I have had therapy and I try not to have regrets but I wish I'd FF my tubie as it would have given me more time with my older two and more rest as well.

You also need a telephone appt with your GP, given your MH history. Call them tomorrow

I'm trying to process all your kind replies and words of advice but it's tricky at the mo. She literally hasn't slept since 9am. I thought she'd finally dropped off and I could go to sleep until I tried to put her down and now she's crying again.

Oh Op. I have a baby and toddler (16m age gap) and the youngest is 11mo, it’s starting to get easier. The beginning is the worst: the guilt, incessant feeding, the sleep deprivation. I didn’t BF my youngest for very long at all, I let go of all guilt over that, it was the best thing for the family as a whole (perfect prep for the win)!

Do you think baby might have reflux / intolerances ?

You say you can’t carry baby comfortably in sling - why is that? A sling did help me an awful lot, as did a vibrating bouncy chair , LOUD white noise and showing baby sensory videos on YouTube, I had a EMCS with baby but a well fitting sling was ok after a few weeks.

Toddler also had a lot of screen time in the beginning, and snacks.

Are you getting out for daily exercise ? If all else failed I used to put the both in the buggy and take a travel flask of coffee and just walk walk walk.

It’s ok if one or both of them gets a bit bored. It’s ok if one or both of the cry while you get something to eat or have a wee. As long as they are safe, no harm will be done.

I agree that a call to GP to discuss how you feel plus baby incessant crying is in order. Remember that you are not alone - 2 under 2 UK ok FB has really helped me (not sure how old yo ur toddler is but parenting groups in general help a lot).

I really feel for you. Have you ruled out any allergies baby could have? My ds is 14 weeks and is the same. He has a cow milk allergy and just discovered coconut brings him out in a rash. All through my milk.

There are some great youtube programs which are like virtual toddler clubs with singing and stories. If baby will let you sing to entertain the toddler. Could you ask your partner to prep a lunchbox for you and toddler with snacks and juice for the day. Make it easier.

You must be exhausted so please do look after you. I would talk to your health visitor and seek out a breastfeeding support group in your area. In ours they do a virtual zoom meeting and have a facebook page.