Do other people find it hard "being" in the house with their kids?

[Duvetstay]

I have 2 DC aged 6 and 8 finding lockdown is magnifying something that I always feel in that I can't relax when we're all in the house together (there is 4 of us with DH but he's not the problem!)

Do other people find this or is it just me? I feel constantly guilty, like life is a party that I've invited them to and I have to make everything fun. I usually hate weekends as I feel like this but then they see friends or go for a day out so it's not too bad. I feel bad if I do anything for myself, read a book /have a bath etc because I'm not interacting with them.

They're great kids and we're really close so not like it's a problem with our relationship. I just don't know how to "be" when they're there. We don't have a huge house which doesn't help, we're on the verge of extending but the current situation means that this is on hold for now. However we have 3 beds and a garden which is loads more than others have.

I'm dying to relax, have a potter and do some house jobs or just a sit down but I feel edgy to be doing this when they're in the house.

Is it just me?

I can identify, but we have swiftly adjusted.

Mine are 5 and 8, and as we are usually all out at work/school mon-fri, the weekends are full of fun and trips and activities.

Now we have seven x 24h to fill, we have all had to adjust. What has helped is relaxing my screentime rules. So they get much more screentime, but also have clearly defined no screentime "go and entertain yourselves" time. I do one craft or similar mid morning and we do our one walk mid afternoon. Other than that I'm doing chores which they can help with, or if they fancy a board game we will do that.

I've taken up my own home hobbies so when I'm doing those they know to go find something to do (usually about 45 mins a day).

I completely feel like this. It has plagued me constantly throughout parenthood.

This morning, I set up a train set and whole farm for my 6 and nearly 5 year old as I thought “right, it’s Easter Monday, I’ve done so much for the kids this weekend (and always), I’m going to set them something up and read a book”

They “played” with the toys for genuinely 2 minutes and have hassled me relentlessly since. I feel like crying.

We didn't have screen time rules before and certainly wouldn't now.

I absolutely have this feeling which results in me feeling resentful and like I want to hide away. Mine are a baby, 3 and 6 so not ages I can leave them but even if the baby is having a nap and I take myself into the kitchen I do feel guilt that I should be interacting. I know I shouldn't, I've also noticed that my husband seems to engage them if I'm not which I think makes me feel like I should be. Will be interested to see the replies here.

Yes I get what you mean. Mine are 6, 4 and 1 so am usually having to supervise the toddler anyway, but then when he’s napping I feel like I have to take that opportunity to interact properly with the older two. But then that leaves me absolutely no time to do anything for myself!

No, I never felt like this (mine are 12 and 14 now). I think it's making a rod for your own back to feel you have to entertain your children constantly tbh. They need to learn to potter about and entertain themselves. It's good for them to get bored sometimes and make their own fun. They also need to learn that adults are allowed leisure time and hobbies too. Obviously all this is partly dependent on age and individual needs.

I think it’s more that I feel I should be ‘Doing more’ with them.
And I really don’t want to. I’m missing time to myself. I never really got time to myself at home before, in order to have any time to myself I had to go out. But now we aren’t allowed, and If I do go out eg for a walk or exercise, they bloody well come with me.
I miss just being able to sit quietly!!
It’s all just a bit shit.

I feel like i've got a lot better at feeling like i need to be entertaining them. I worried they would just spend all their time on tablets etc but younger one is happy pottering around with her dolls. 8 year old does go on my old phone and chat to friends etc but is also enjoying doing art and making stuff. The last few days i have sat in garden and read a book and left them to it.

I've never been hung up on screen time and we have all the streaming platforms /consoles money can buy! They've always been able to self regulate but with being in 24/7 that's gone out the window. We usually have a loose structure, like bernadette I just fucking hate craft and baking, which is what we do in the morning then I make and tidy lunch, then they don't want to go for a walk in the afternoon so I have to drag them out.

Glad it's not just me billnighy, my DC are really active and sociable so just not wired for being round the house alone. I tried to have a bath this morning and they keep coming in and telling me that they love me which for some reason makes me feel bad??!! Like they need reassuring and I'm not doing enough for them. Think I need to ignore them more and let them figure it out for themselves sometimes... I think in the past kids this age would be playing out a lot more and not be so dependent on parents for entertainment. Obviously this is all magnified x1000 with lockdown.

Yes, I feel this! I think I feel a bit worse as mine is an only child so doesn't have anyone else to play with but she really can't entertain herself without a screen and I can't play with her all day. I don't really like playing at all

I spend a lot of time hiding too "piccalino*!!

I feel like I have to "look busy" though, it's ridiculous.

And yes to the pp who said it's all a bit shit at the mo, things aren't normal at all.

I have always felt like this and mine are 16 and 19. I crave time alone and find it really, really difficult when the house is full. The house is small too like yours, OP. I find weekends impossible and have such a sense of dread about enduring bank holidays. So lockdown is horrendous.

Yup. I am a much better parent when they go to nursery and grandparents and I get headspace from them. And I also realised I am the type of parent that likes going to the park/farm/zoo/cafe/pub, and not a crafty type (Bloody well hate crafts, quite like baking though)

I also feel guilty similar to all of the other people on here. Mine are 4 and 1, the 4 year old is incredibly strong willed and the 1 year old wants to breastfeed whenever he is near me 🤦🏻‍♀️ Despite the fact he is 18 months and eats lots of actual food! I’d hoped to wind it down but I can’t because I am with him all of the sodding time and it’s too hard.

I think that we are all too hard on ourselves! I admit that sometimes I feel like the OP, however remind myself that if we want our children to be independent, imaginative and to be able to self direct play, we have to sometimes leave them to it!

My own mother was always busy busy! Had a full time job and even when at home was always cooking, cleaning etc

I hardly ever saw my mum relaxed, felt guilty as she was usually tired and that I could not initiate relaxed conversation as she was busy, which I feel has impacted on our relationship now!

My mother felt like a martyr which is no good either. It's ok for your children to see you reading, sunbathing etc as this teaches our children that they are also allowed to relax when older

Just tell your kids that mummy is having a bath now, loves you and will be out when the timer goes off in 30 minutes

I am still working outside the home, but my work is a lot like like solo parenting fourteen children aged approximately 3-15 in many ways (they aren't children, and of course this is a complication in some ways as of course they have the rights and needs of adults too, but the being followed about and expected to provide entertainment and reassurance and 1:1 and affirmation whilst teaching life skills and making sure everyone gets fed/ washed / clean clothes can be the same).

I have 3 of my own at home aged 8-15. They're good kids and quite independent but left to themselves wouldn't go out in the garden enough, they will only go for walks with me as they're worried they'll be questioned without an adult atm, the younger two would be on screens all the time if I didn't set boundaries while the eldest is incorrigibly sociable and seeks endless interaction and affirmation - she's brilliant and draws, paints, plays music, reads, I couldn't ask for better but she does want to discuss it all with me. It's lovely - it's just overload sometimes on top of everything else.

DH is also still having to go into the office though not every day; it's more of a problem having to all be quiet when he's on video calls at home.

My kids are great and I usually enjoy my job, it's just all a lot at the moment because I am never alone.

I want to murder my colleague who lives alone because she is flouting the rules and visiting friends and driving to parks to exercise and has now started flouting the rules at work too and isn't wearing her mask half the time. I'm worried that she's going to infect me or the vulnerable residents (and not only put them at huge risk because they are medically vulnerable and don't all have good hygiene and can't be watched 24/7 but also via them me, via me my family). I absolutely understand that living alone through this is hard but she works outside the home in our job with huge amounts of social interaction (obviously) so isn't nearly as isolated as someone working from home or furloughed or retired or unemployed etc.

What gets to me is never being alone combined with the feeling of responsibility for other people not stagnating / becoming less mentally and physically healthy due to lack of impulse provision on my part.

I work shifts so I'm used to being alone to study and I cannot do this with the house full. I can't settle.

Totally agree user we're too hard on ourselves and kids only learn by being independent.... I need to be a bit more selfish for their sake!

My mother is a matyr too, even now at 82 and I think it's such a waste of a life.

I’m a rubbish ‘at home’ parent and am finding parenting at the moment really hard. This is exacerbated by having an only child and a very recent very traumatic bereavement means that at the moment I feel totally shit most of the time. DH and DS get on like a house on fire and they love the same things (trains/cars and going out on their bikes) and so for them, a few pottering days at home is bliss. DH is still working horrible shifts as part of his frontline key worker job though, so as a teacher all childcare is currently falling to me. DS doesn’t like doing any of the things I suggest - baking/cooking/drawing/puzzles/instrument practice etc, and it’s a source of such frustration for us both. Normally when DH is working long shifts in the holidays DH and I would be out every day, meeting up with friends, going to stay with family, going to the park, cinema, garden centre, McDonald’s, national trust etc etc etc. This is tough. Thankfully DH is now off for a few days so he can take the lead for a bit.

I’m doing zero entertaining for my 9 yo except cycling, walking, skateboarding, shopping, watch films/documentaries together. He’s at an age where I think he should be independently choosing activities. He has very little screen time. I asked him to come up with a timetable of activities (we discussed possibilities) and he typed it up. Of course, he doesn’t rigidly stick to it but he has a point of reference. He is a child who needs structure and so this has helped massively. He helps around the house, started a touch typing course today, practices clarinet, lego, maths, reading, looks after our cat, games, etc. I really believe kids can learn a lot of life skills in this period.

I can 100% relate to this. Mine are 4 and 5 and i spend my day in anticipation of their next need. I don't open a book or turn on the telly because they'll instantly interrupt me. Now we're in lockdown I seem to be wandering aimlessly around my house partly hiding from them but feeling guilty at the same time. It's so ridiculous.

I do housework to have a legitimate reason to say no to the constant "will you play with me?" requests. And i think my 4 year old is actually manipulating me with her constant demands for cuddles. If she sees me hoovering or emptying the dishwasher I'm invariably asked for a cuddle. How can i say no to that but really i just want to empty the bloody dishwasher without stopping to give someone a cuddle, get someone a drink, open the back door, etc etc etc

You need free time!

About a year ago I started free time when my son had just turned 4 to preserve the tiny bit if sanity I have left. During free time Daddy cannot be disturbed unless there is a genuine reason e.g going to be sick etc. Free time is half an hour, during free time either I shut myself in my room or my son plays in his bedroom. I have free time everyday, it did take about a week for it to work smoothly, but it is the best thing ever.

My son also gets free time where he can (within reason) do whatever he likes for half an hour, today he close swinging in his hammock, sadly as it’s cold I had to close the balcony door while he had hammock time (no, he couldn’t have fallen off the balcony).

I found introducing 'quiet time' when mine were little really saved my sanity in regards to this issue. They could nap, read, play, whatever but they had to leave me to do my 'jobs' - which would be my hour of down time in the afternoon with little ones about. I started it when they naturally needed a nap or needed that quiet time themselves and they grew up with it and by the time they were older they respected that time and amused themselves for an hour.

Did I feel guilty? Yes, I did. But that hour of me time in a busy day meant I could move on to being a nicer mummy over dinner time and the evening routine.

Now my youngest is 10 and none of them have emerged this lockdown til about 11am so I get my 'quiet time' in the morning instead lol but it's not quite the same now as they can and do amuse themselves when I need them to.

what you have to do is tell yourself that you are actively teaching them independence; and no, it's not a cop-out, it's necessary.

@TheEndIsBillNighy instead of setting up the train set and farm, get them to set it up themselves. They might not "play with it" any more, but they'll be entertained for longer (and some children are much more inclined towards constructing play than pretend play). My older son used to spend ages making a track full of sidings, which was the exact opposite of how I wanted the track to be! (Also, who put it away afterwards?)

On Sunday morning we have a quiet hour. This is when we study a kid friendly Bible as a family, recite some of the psalms or I teach a interesting Sunday school lesson with games etc. During the week, any free time is spent doing extra credit work or doing some lessons as a family together instead. This includes art. I am also looking online at piano teachers too as a extra curricular option for later on this year during the winter.

I feel your pain. My 6 yo is an only child and struggles to entertain himself. In normal times we keep him busy with lots of extra curriculum activities.

We've been coping through holidays by relaxing screen time a bit. He's the quietest when playing on his Nintendo Switch but I don't let him do this for prolonged periods.

I'll actually be glad when school is back tomorrow, as he'll have more 'to do'.