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Have you ever turned someone down because you thought they were way out of your league?

26 replies

RomCon · 13/04/2020 11:09

Or is it only me?!

I have a friend who is absolutely lovely. We get a long very well etc. He is very attractive, good job, well off and a lovely person. His previous girlfriends have all been very attractive - tall, mostly blonde, amazing bodies type. They have all been lovely too.

His last long term relationship didn't work out but ended amicably. He's currently single - has been for the last 9m.

A few days ago during one of our usual video chats he basically said that he would like to pursue a romantic relationship with me. I laughed and told him not to be ridiculous. He looked a bit embarrassed and awkward and I quickly changed the subject.

To be honest, the truth is I am too insecure to even consider it. He's handsome and got loads going for him and I'm short, frumpy, unattractive with geeky glasses and in a minimum wage job! I'm way out of his league. I look shit compared to his previous partners.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Likethebattle · 13/04/2020 11:15

His previous ‘type’ hasn’t worked for him. He obviously sees something in you that he likes. Go for it, life is too short.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/04/2020 11:16

So your friend was really brave and reached out and you laughed in his face?

That was cruel OP, insecurities or not. You owe him an explanation - if you care about him that is.

bushhbb · 13/04/2020 11:20

Completely get this. Ok, brushing him off like that may be a bit mean, of course you didn't mean it that way.

What you should have done is ask why he wanted to pursue it with you. Then you can know whether you're insecurities are valid or not.

(To answer your question, I haven't directly rejected anyone out of my league, but generally would avoid such men anyway, to avoid disappointment)

Interested in this thread?

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Reginabambina · 13/04/2020 11:22

No, my husband is actually fairly out of my league actually (much much better educated, it’s quite a big disparity in an otherwise fairly equal match).

AgeLikeWine · 13/04/2020 11:31

Poor bloke. You are supposed to be his friend, he told you that he had feelings for you and you laughed in his face. He must be feeling absolutely awful about himself.

The first thing you need to do is apologise properly for your appalling behaviour, and explain the reasons for it as best you can. Then you need to decide if you do want a relationship with him or not.

Egghead68 · 13/04/2020 11:36

I think you are right in not pursuing this. IMO it’s likely he’d ditch you when someone more attractive came along and then you would have lost the friendship too.

Stay friends and if it is meant to be it will be (but probably not, sorry).

Ughmaybenot · 13/04/2020 11:40

Can’t believe you laughed in his face 😬 no, I’ve never turned anyone down because they were ‘out of my league’ as I don’t believe anyone really is, we all have our own unique strengths and weaknesses. I think you’ll regret not giving this the chance.

DangerMouse17 · 13/04/2020 11:40

Well what have you got to lose? Go for it and see what happens.

BlueBrush · 13/04/2020 19:43

For one thing, I think you definitely need to talk to him, and explain that you reacted the way you did because he caught you by surprise and you didn't handle it well. (I'm not telling you off - I've had to have a similar conversation myself!)

Secondly, as PP says, these women who are "his type" haven't resulted in successful relationships. Just throwing ideas out here, and feel free to tell me I'm wrong, but is it possible that a) those women were actually out of his league, and/or b) you incorrectly think he's out of your league just because you really like him, and/or c) you're more attractive than you think you are?

Either way, I think you need to talk to him. We're on lockdown, so you know he's not just after a quick shag from whoever happens to be around. And you're good enough friends that you have video calls...By all means be cautious, but sounds to me like it's worth exploring a bit?

RomCon · 13/04/2020 19:46

I obviously didn't mean to upset him. It was so out of the blue. I panicked and sort of laughed it off and made it into a bit of a joke. I know it wasn't a nice thing to do but in the moment I just panicked plus im not enjoying this whole video calling business. Id rather talk face to face.

I've arranged to speak to him later this evening and will apologise and explain myself. My gut feeling is that I should give it a go. It's my insecurities that is holding me back.

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 13/04/2020 19:48

I’ve dated someone utterly out of my league before, it was both glorious and hideous at the same time

Equally, I’ve dated a few men with amazing personalities that in hindsight, looked a bit like trolls. Go for it, you have nothing to lose.

TheEndIsBillNighy · 13/04/2020 19:49

Go for it, OP! Good luck

RomCon · 13/04/2020 19:54

Thank you. ShirleyPhallus what do you mean by both glorious and hideous?! That doesn't sound good!

OP posts:
RomCon · 13/04/2020 19:56

TheEndIsBillNighy I watched About Time the other day with Bill Nighy!

OP posts:
TheEndIsBillNighy · 13/04/2020 19:57

Ha how funny, I watched that for the first time the other week!

Wishing you lots of luck

ShirleyPhallus · 13/04/2020 20:00

It was glorious because he was such a fucking mega babe

It was hideous because I had to make an effort to look good all the damn time and deal with a quick once over from people when being introduced

RomCon · 13/04/2020 20:22

TheEndIsBillNighy first time I watched it too! I though it was brilliant, I really liked it!

ShirleyPhallus oh no! That sounds awful. I know what you mean though. When meeting new friends we always get asked how we know each other.

OP posts:
Aaaahhhndrea · 13/04/2020 20:24

Oh go for it OP! He likes you for who you are, that is so valuable.

I've got high hopes. This could be a lockdown romance

MortyFide · 13/04/2020 20:29

Many many many years ago OP, we had a client that was so drop dead gorgeous that EVERYONE was talking about him.

I'd been on holiday for a week, moving house after the break up of a long term relationship, and the first client to come and see me was this guy. He was, indeed, incredibly attractive - 6'4", of very exotic descent with beautiful eyes, you get the idea. I suspected he knew it though, so I was polite and professional but aloof!

Long story short, he asked me out. Hahaha! Me! I'd just lost 3 stone through stress but had been quite fat, was living in a tiny flat on my own and my dad had to help me with rent. I was wearing clothes 3 sizes too big for me because I couldn't afford new ones, I was a catch.

I seriously considered saying no, but said yes because I actually assumed he didn't really mean it and he'd cancel. But he didn't, in fact he cancelled a work dinner to take me out instead.

Bizarre, but okay. Anyway, I went out with him for 6 weeks. And although it was a boost to my confidence and fun to be paraded around on his arm for a while, and he wasn't arrogant at all really - he was simply very annoying. Childish, incapable of meaningful discussion, and had a nasty habit of dreaming up drama just for larks. He was also a bit thick, and his so-called friends seemed to make it their mission to chat me up in front of him and he was oblivious.

But for what it's worth, other women didn't worry me, he never made me feel bad about his numerous exes and he was nice about them, and I never felt insecure because although he was an idiot he wasn't an arsehole.

I still finished with him though, he even wrote me a letter saying he had all these "feelings" for me. Awks. Blush

It was fun though, and unlike me you already know this guy to be someone you get on with. Hope you can talk to him tonight - good luck, give it a try!

MortyFide · 13/04/2020 20:30

Oh yes Shirley is right, everyone you meet looks you up and down. But I remember feeling quite confident about that at the time, as I'd lost weight.

I'm about 4 stone heavier these days. Sad

JustinMyJustin · 13/04/2020 20:57

Did you speak to him op?

Hunnybears · 13/04/2020 21:02

He may find you more attractive because he can’t have you OP? The more you say no there more he’ll probably declare his undying love for you.

If he’s nice you could shears try it?

RomCon · 14/04/2020 08:46

Just an update.

I called him and started to apologise about the other day and that I didn't mean to upset him etc then just as I was about to tell him that I actually do really like him my bloody cat jumped onto the laptop and cut me off!

After faffing on the computer for awhile and not being able to connect again I ended up calling him on the phone instead and finished what I needed to say. I told him everything about my insecurities and how I felt he was too good to be with someone like me etc.

He told me that I was being utterly silly and that he has always thought that I'm adorable and beautiful and just lovely but his feelings have become stronger in the last 6m or so but he didn't say anything as he wasn't sure how I would react and he didn't want to ruin our friendship.

So after a bit of chatting, he's now officially my boyfriend! Its a bit weird as I'm not going to be able to see him physically for a few weeks and i want to kiss the hell out of him so badly. Blush

Thank you everyone for giving me the courage! I really hope this works out well. I would be so sad if I lost him as a friend.

OP posts:
Thickmuthafuckers · 14/04/2020 08:50

Ahh fab update!!

TheEndIsBillNighy · 14/04/2020 10:32

That is bloody fantastic! I’m really so happy for you. How exciting!