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I dont think my husband cares or has any respect for me. What would you do?

31 replies

ca010194 · 13/04/2020 09:54

Hi all,

I have been married for nearly 3 years now. I married young to a man older than me so I dont know if this is how I have fallen in to this cycle.

I work full time and make a good wage. My husband has been trying to start a business for the last 5 years. To this day the idea has changed about 20 thousand times and he hasnt made any money.

He had savings which he spent like crazy and also put some down as a deposit so we could buy a house. I am now the one who pays all the bills and he doesnt contribute anything.

I also do all the housework, walk the dog twice a day and do all the food shopping and cleaning even though he is home all day and I have no idea what he actually does with his time other than sleep and go on his laptop.

He seems incapable of loading the dishwasher let alone even putting anything in the bin.

The house we brought needed renovating, however we have been in it now for 6 months and nothing has changed. I am still waiting on my bathroom to be tiled, walls to be painted. Even just having one room completed would be nice. Something I think he has alot of time to do considering he isnt working.

Everytime I try to speak to him about it or ask him to do something he says I'm nagging him or being a bitch. He twists my words and makes me think my expectations are unreasonable but when I think about it I think being upset and hurt by his laziness and complete lack of respect in what I'm doing to keep our lives functioning is justified.

I honestly dont know what to do. He doesnt listen and just tells me this is the way he is and I shouldn't expect him to change.

I am only 25 and I cant think of spending the rest of my life like this, especially if we were to add kids to the mix. He has already made it clear that if we were to have kids I should be back at work within 3 months as we wouldnt be able to afford it on maternity pay alone.

Am I justified with my feelings or am I being a bitch?

OP posts:
lazylinguist · 13/04/2020 10:02

Wtf? What is even the point of him? Do not have kids with this man - he won't share the parenting and you'll still be doing everything else and earning all the money as well as doing all the childcare. He is taking you for an absolute mug.

VenusClapTrap · 13/04/2020 10:04

If any man called me a bitch, even once, I would be out of there.

I can’t see any reason for you to stay, quite frankly.

WitchityGrub · 13/04/2020 10:07

This is no life for you. Take it from a now 44 year old in a not that dissimilar circumstance but with children: go out, have fun, meet lots of different people from all walks of life. The world is so much better and bigger than this one bloke. How much older than you is he? What were his circumstances before he met you?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Techway · 13/04/2020 10:07

Wow, why do you think you deserve so little? How much older is he? Were you feel vulnerable when you met him?

Don't get pregnant as you have the opportunity to leave now but with children you will be tied to him.

Please don't tolerate this, you will regret your life if you settle for so little.

Besom · 13/04/2020 10:12

He is a classic waster/loser and he won't change. Lots of us fall for them by accident when we are younger but then we learn and don't make the same mistake twice. Get away from him as soon as you can. You are lucky that yph have no kids and time is on your side.

threesecrets · 13/04/2020 10:14

Of course your feelings are justified. He is gaslighting you. He will probably not change now he is in this rut. I am sorry. If you don't have children, now is the best time to leave. I wish I had when I was your age. You are still so young

Sn0tnose · 13/04/2020 10:25

How long had you known him before you got married? Do you know his relationship history? I’m wondering whether his previous relationships ended for similar reasons and he’s just swooped in and swept you off your feet before you had a chance to realise what he’s really like.

This is not what a marriage is supposed to be like. If you do nothing, you will spend the rest of your life being financially responsible for him and his day dreams while he treats you like utter crap. You will have no support. Starting a family with him will likely be the biggest mistake you ever make.

everythingisginandroses · 13/04/2020 10:28

How old is he? I would say that if he is over 30 he is unlikely to change. What happened to his previous relationship (s)? Does he come from a culture where women are treated as subservient? It's outrageous for him to already basically be saying that he won't support you if you have a child Angry I would be considering starting over: you are young and have a lot of living to do.

MrsDoylesTeaBags · 13/04/2020 10:54

What is even the point of him?

I think that's a great question.

OP I'm 45 and let me tell you 20 years goes in the blink of an eye don't waste it on a cocklodger.

YogaLite · 13/04/2020 11:51

Wish I was your age, I also fell into a similar trap. He won't change, it will only get worse.

TheChosenTwo · 13/04/2020 12:06

Whatever you do, do NOT have children with him. Not that I would even contemplate having sex with such a layabout sponger. But just in case it ever crosses your mind that he’ll change, he won’t. Get rid of him and reclaim your young life back for yourself.

Ninkanink · 13/04/2020 12:10

Leave. It will never change, and once children come along it will be 100 times more miserable.

Kalifa · 13/04/2020 12:12

Called you a bitch? Just that by itself would make me throw him against the wall.
He is a lazy, rude good-for-nothing. He doesn’t contribute, he just takes and takes. Kick him the fuck out and don’t even think about having children with him.

Puddlelane123 · 13/04/2020 12:15

What @Ninkanink says. Whatever you do do NOT have children with this man.

This is no life for any woman, and certainly not one in the peak of youth.

I am all for the sanctity of marriage, but this man will not make you happy and will crush your spirit over time. Get out now while there are no children involved. If you can find the bravery to leave now, the future you will be forever thankful for it.

HollowTalk · 13/04/2020 12:16

He's your classic cocklodger. They are usually to be found in self-employment (often after being fired for being lazy or just plain stupid.) He doesn't do anything at all and wants you to fund his lifestyle. And then he calls you names when you show signs you're not happy with it.

Get rid of him, OP.

Is your house rented or on a mortgage?

HollowTalk · 13/04/2020 12:17

Getting pregnant wouldn't be a problem for me because I'd have no intention of having sex with such a waste of space.

pallasathena · 13/04/2020 12:20

Read up on low self esteem OP because to put up with someone like this really reflects on how you perceive yourself and your low expectations.
There are so many self-help books out there. Google is your friend.
Life is short and shouldn't be spent with users and abusers.
Flowers

nopenothappening · 13/04/2020 12:23

He is being abusive. Please don't spend the rest of your life like this. Or bring children into it.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme course online.

YogaLite · 13/04/2020 12:27

Make sure you have a good support network, this is where I failed as had no family/friends near me.

HildegardeCrowe · 13/04/2020 12:38

OP you’re only 25 and it sounds like you’re financially independent so don’t waste another minute on this dreadful excuse for a man (sorry to be harsh). I wonder what you saw in him in the first place but I can understand your relationship because I was also in an abusive relationship when I was very young.

It does seem you have a problem with boundaries and trusting your gut feelings but I urge you to start learning to stand up for yourself and realise that you don’t have to put up with this intolerable treatment. Please start looking at how you can remove yourself from this marriage. You have a bright future ahead but only if you don’t have this man in your life.

Ghostonthedancefloor · 13/04/2020 12:45

Don’t get pregnant. Run.
Don’t get pregnant. Run.
Don’t get pregnant. Run.
Run for the hills.

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 13/04/2020 12:49

You are most definitely in the right here, all your instincts are telling you he’s a dick

Listen to your instincts, leave him

Egghead68 · 13/04/2020 12:50

Divorce him.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 13/04/2020 12:51

I have to echo, what is the point of him? That was my thought when reading your post. Make plans to divorce and ensure that you leave with equity, cash or property that reflects the years that you have been supporting this man with no reciprocation.

DeathByBoredom · 13/04/2020 12:52

Use this time to get your savings sorted, safe and away from him, think about what you want from a divorce (sell up? Sign over to him? Buy him out?) Then file for divorce - unreasonable behaviour - and get shot. You are beautifully young ... you'll soon forget this loser.