Hair not being brushed...

[GiantPinesAhem]

How long would you say is acceptable for an 8yo girl to go without brushing her hair?

We'd been doing so well with her learning self care, doing a lot of brushing herself because she didn't like us doing it for her. Now after a visit to other parent she's insisting that it can be left in plaits for a week, refusing to brush it and crying when we insist it has to be done one way or another. It had already been in the plaits (mostly) for a minimum of three days before we insisted it HAD to come out for her to wash before bed- and of course trying tho take the plaits out was terrible, with it getting knotted.

Am I being unreasonable to say that you can't just leave hair like that? To me it's an important part of a self care routine that it's done every day- unless it's fully braided/dreads etc, a style specifically designed for long term.

My dd has really fine hair and it needs to be brushed multiple times a day or it gets knots. In plaits it doesn't knot as easily but still every other day it needs to be brushed. It is not possible to keep it in a tight plait anyway as it pulls too much.

Is it the other parent who doesn't want to do it?

Does she have the sort of hair that could be cut into a bob? If so, and she’s not brushing, you could get it cut. A bob is a very easy brush job.

Put a bit of oil on her hair (just a few drops of almond or coconut oil) after it’s been washed and conditioned and brush it through.
It should be much easier to brush daily after that.

Once a day here for our seven year old, although I do most of it. Just part of the morning routine of getting dressed and brushing teeth. Plaits don’t stay in neatly enough, I don’t think I put them in tight enough.

My Dd12 recently had major surgery and couldn’t wash her hair for 12 days. It was in two french plaits. It took 4 washes with a whole bottle of conditioner and hours of brushing and some cutting to sort. Maybe show her some pictures of matted hair and get some nice smelling de tangle spray to help her ?

Astoatora54 no, they don't want us to do it. It's a 50/50 shared care arrangement and she's been told that she shouldn't let us do it and doesn't need to do it herself when with us either.

We think it's because the other parent wants to keep doing it for her- baby's the kids in lots of ways, cutting up food, talking in baby voice etc, but we've been encouraging self care and independence- with hair, clearing pots away etc. They want to keep doing everything for the children, we want them to gradually learn to be independent.

Her hair is also fine, and I would say needs brushing at least beginning and end of the day- otherwise it get's so difficult to do. But she was so angry and upset that the other parent would be upset that it had been done.

It depends on the hair. If your dd doesn't like brushing or washing her hair because it's getting tangled then you need to do something about that.

Brushing it more might not be the answer.

Hello I'm afraid that when we trimmed it for split ends earlier in the school year the other parent went nuts, so a bob isn't an option. It was still long.

ILive we always use detangle spray as well as really good shampoo and conditioner

My 8 year old has her hair washed about every 10 days but watered, conditioned and combed with fingers everyday unless plaited. Plaits will last about 3 days before they need to be done again.

It all depends on the type of hair and how the scalp is.

at the moment my 8yo is brushing hers every few days at my request. She might do it herself sometimes.

I dont really care if it gets a bit knotted, especially not now.

It really depends on the hair. If I'm going camping for a week I can plait it on day one and not touch it unti day 7 and it's fine.

I always recommend brushing with a tangle teaser plus hair conditioner in the shower. Easy for even little hands. That said my DT's are sporting matching bobs as they've been much more difficult about hair brushing since lockdown.

I should add that DD has mixed coil /curly Afro type hair.

Sounds like this is about the power dynamic/battle between you and the "other parent". I'm guessing you are the step mum and the other parent is the mum? I'm not trying to be snide so apologies if I'm wrong but that's the vibe I'm getting from your post. I know people often like to make their posts "gender neutral" to avoid bias, but I think it's relevant in this case as it seems to me more about the relationship between households than the hair itself.

Bygrab the reason for doing it that way is that it absolutely shouldn't make any difference which parent it is because it's about the hair not the relationship. I have a daughter and a step daughter and I would feel the same way regardless of which one this issue applied to.

Does that make sense?

It isn't about either of the natural parents or step parents but the hair- that's why I wanted to greet opinions on whether it is actually ok to leave it and that we may have missed something there.

For the other parent it is definitely about control, but if we approach it from that angle, the outcome will be worse.

If it's in plaits then I'd say 3 days isn't necessarily too bad. One of my girls used to roll a lot in bed and would end up with really matted hair even in plaits, but my other one, if you plaited her hair when wet, would still look absolutely perfect 3 days later. She had thigh length hair too, so not easy to deal with.

Witch about 2/3rds was in plaits so the rest was really bad, and the rest was going all frizzy, coming out of the plaits, so then got more tangled taking them out- whereas when they haven't started to come out by themselves they tend to come out with ease

I think it's wrong to make it about the hair, the issue is that you are telling the child to defy the other parent. That isn't fair. Either you need to agree a sensible haircare routine with the other parent and get them to stop telling the child to resist your approach. Or you just need to suck it up and let the child have messy hair. I don't think it's fair to put pressure on an 8 year old to go against a parent.

When me and my stbxh split up he wouldn't make my DD brush her hair every day and it ended up matted and even now she sometimes won't brush it for days on end the last time she left it was for nearly 3 weeks and it was just piled up on top of her head she had to shave the back to get rid of the matts she hated how it looked but now brushes it but still not as often as I'd like her to

You could buy a silk pillowcase, it will help the hair not to tangle and frizz when sleeping.

If its about control then it's about the relationship and not the hair. That's why I'm asking which parent is which because the motivations behind controlling behaviour often vary considerably by sex. They shouldn't, but they do. If you can't work out why the other parent is picking this (and probably other) battles with you, then you can't solve the real problem. Today it's brushing hair, tomorrow it's something else. So for example if the other parent is the mum does she maybe feel with a 50/50 care agreement like you are also playing mum to her daughter and she's using the hair issue to mark her territory? Does she feel like she does most of the practical care for the child despite it being 50/50 and therefore she has more right to make decisions than you do? My mum and step mum were constantly at loggerheads over similar issues which revolved around how fast I was "growing up", and the biggest one of those was my hair. My dad wanted it cut short so I looked more "grown up", my mum wanted it long because she didn't want me "leaving childhood so soon" etc etc. But after the big "hair" battle came the arguments over ear piercing, makeup, first bra etc. It wasn't about any one of those issues specifically, but about my mum feeling like my dad and step mum were undermining her role as my mother, and my dad using the idea that I needed to "grow up" as a way to criticise my mums parenting. Sorry for a long waffling post but I really think you need to go to the root of this or it'll keep coming back on various forms. Your post assumes that this problem is happening without any context, and that isn't the case.

The other parent sounds like a twat, to
be actively telling the child not to ever brush her hair, where do they think that ends up?
I would cut her hair, what can they do? rant and rave? that won’t make it grow back 🙄

Girls of 8, 9, and even 10 can be very slovenly. There can be reasons for this though, and they need to be addressed before you will get anywhere.

Sit yourself down and answer the following questions as honestly as possible - is your daughter playing a part in a power struggle or any other relationship dynamic between you and her other parent? If there isn't an issue like that between you and your ex, could your daughter herself be stuck in a place where she can't separate herself from her parents' relationship and is unconsciously trying to get both of you to react to her instead of to each other?

Is there stress in your daughter's life?

Does she have friends and is it possible to keep in touch with them at this time? FaceTime, etc..

How is her self esteem in general?

Is she neat or messy apart from the haIr? Room, personal belongings...

When school was a thing, did she forget a lot of things she needed for school, or lose belongings, or forget to bring home books for homework?

Does she willingly take a shower or bath daily?

Does she bite her nails or keep them longer and neat?

Does she change her underwear daily, change clothes daily, and put items she takes off in a laundry basket? Or is this habit one she resists?

If everything feels like a struggle it may well be that she's lacking in self esteem, or is feeling inadequate in some way.

8-10 can be a strange age. You're not a little kid any more but you're not yet trusted to take care if yourself. Some of your schoolmates may have older siblings and may be flaunting 'mature' behaviour and speech and references to pop culture that an only or oldest child might not have encountered at home. You might have feelings if inadequacy as a result. You are aware of the wider world but you are primarily a home person still.

As a parent, it might be helpful if you stepped back from the obvious problem and began a campaign of boosting your daughter's self esteem instead.

You can do this by working with her in your home in a consistent and disciplined and cheerful way, doing chores together, cooking together, deciding on meals together, maybe learning s new skill together like crochet or coding or watercolour painting.

Becoming competent at cooking and doing her own laundry is a huge self esteem booster. 8 is the ideal age to start this. Being given responsibility for a pet is an additional competence and confidence booster. (This all goes for boys too).

As well as that I recommend you buy for her a really useful book on what to expect in the next few years.
'The Care and Keeping of You' is published by American Girl publishing. It covers puberty and physical development, but also things like hygiene, diet, getting enough sleep, wearing clean clothes, friendships and personal responsibility, and all in a positive, encouraging tone.

Don't focus on the hair but in the wider picture, and the hair thing will fall into place. Make sure your DD knows you are a fan of hers and appreciate her contribution as you work together.

If you think it would work, mention to the other parent that your DD is just about at an age when girls can get nasty to the girl who is perceived as smelly or dirty, and that it's important to protect her from that fate. It's hard to recover from that reputation so best to prevent it in the first place.

I am reading these posts with incredulity, when I was 8 I had long hair and wore it in plaits. Every day, without fail, it was unplaited and replaited in the morning. Not brushing your hair for days at a time? That is bizarre!