Hair not being brushed...

[GiantPinesAhem]

How long would you say is acceptable for an 8yo girl to go without brushing her hair?

We'd been doing so well with her learning self care, doing a lot of brushing herself because she didn't like us doing it for her. Now after a visit to other parent she's insisting that it can be left in plaits for a week, refusing to brush it and crying when we insist it has to be done one way or another. It had already been in the plaits (mostly) for a minimum of three days before we insisted it HAD to come out for her to wash before bed- and of course trying tho take the plaits out was terrible, with it getting knotted.

Am I being unreasonable to say that you can't just leave hair like that? To me it's an important part of a self care routine that it's done every day- unless it's fully braided/dreads etc, a style specifically designed for long term.

Please don't put your 8yo in the middle of a parents battle and make them feel like they have to choose a side, which is what her comments feel like other than just not liking it being brushed or being lazy etc.

I've personally been there during my parents divorce, had to have bum length curls cut to a bob after 3wks with my dad. Partly because he didn't care for my mums instructions of our routine so went against them the best he could while we were with him, and partly because I was a shy child who didn't want to ask for a brush. It was awful and my curls never came back, I blame them both.

I used to brush my hair the absolute minimum of once a day when I was 8, I can’t imagine going to days at a time without brushing. If her hair is matted and knotted it’s neglect surely to leave it like that? I used to use a detangling spray by L’Oréal, not sure if they make it any more, but it was designed for kids and is great at getting knots out easily, maybe you could try that?

Mathanxiety that is a super helpful post, thank you so much!

Mmsnet101 She has brushes here but often loses them- without ever taking them out of her room lol

Elsie that's how we feel about it being wrong to leave it. We have to vosene spray, as well as a leave in conditioner when it's really bad on top of the standard shampoo and conditioner we use. We found that the l'oreal one makes her hair sticky for some reason.

Jkscot4 we wouldn't do that, it wouldn't be fair on her- she's so focussed on not upsetting the other parent, she never considers her own wants and needs.

Bygrab it's between mum and dad not the step parents- who never have any contact. It is entirely one parent not wanting to let the children grow up at all- but all children need to learn independence and responsibility, and neither parent has the right to say how things should be done at the other home. The court order specifically covers that even if there was any room for ambiguity.

Bygrab in fact, disagreements between parents have reduced significantly since step parents have been regular parts of the children's lives, there seems to be a lot less spite from the other parent now thank fully. It's difficult though as they do have complex mental health issues that need balancing.

My DD came back from a brownies holiday and we had a hairdresser appointment booked later that day, on top DDs hair looked okay but underneath it was completely matted, took two hairdressers to detangle it, I was mortified ( but also pleased it was them detangling not me!)
I am now a stickler for thorough daily brushing

Runner That's what it gets like if she only brushes it herself- she only manages the top layer and the underneath gets bad. That's why we always check that she's doing ok and help finish it off if necessary. But we do feel that she's at the age where learning to do it independently is important, rather than it being done for her.

I brush my 9 year olds hair. It isn’t something that she does particularly well herself yet, and it’s part of our mum and daughter rituals. She sometimes brushes my hair too.

I suppose if she was moving between homes then independence of self care might be more of an issue. Because she’s not, we can relax and let skills evolve with her natural development. I can appreciate why learning to manage her hair is a priority for you, but I don’t think she’s unusual for her age I’m not having learned it naturally if that makes sense.

I definitely don’t baby my dd. She’s very competent and helpful around the house, etc but I will be a little wistful when I get booted off hair brushing and styling in a year or two

that should say
unusual for her age in not having learned to do it

Barbara we wouldn't expect her to self manage entirely, as I've said above, she does as much as she can and we will check and finish- the reason we started her doing it herself was because she wanted to.

But when I say the other parent babies them, I mean in absolutely everything. Even talking to them in a baby voice all the time, and does absolutely everything for them. It's because they want to be relied on totally- and that's related to their mental health condition.

I know you say you’re trying not to put your step daughter in the middle of this but you are. You all are.

In your position I would tell her that when she is with you then she needs to brush her hair every day as that is the rule in your house and that it applied to everyone. she needs to wash it and have it brushed and braided before going to her mums. What happens at her mums house is their business (and that is absolutely fine, you can not control what happens at her mums) and when she comes home she needs to have her hair washed and brushed and back to your house routine.

She’s currently in a position where she’s trying to please both her mother and her dad/ step mother and will be feeling conflicted. It is incredibly unfair to put a child in that position. Trying to teach her some independence (whilst great) is not more important than her feelings at a very delicate age.

At the moment from what is being said, this is coming across as some bizarre power trip (on both sides) and there are no winners in this situation. Only losers, mainly being your step daughter. So please just step down from trying to dictate how she is cared for in her other home.

I had terribly thick hair prove to tangling as a child. My parents had it layered and bought a boat bristle hair brush. After that it was much more manageable and less painful to brush with the new brush.

@boar not boat

If dd has Afro hair and not all of her parents do I would defer to which ever parent has more expertise in managing it.

I think saying we all brush our hair every day here is fine. And just don't discuss anything about the other house.

Thatbitch but we are not in ANY way trying to enforce what is done at the other house- only at ours- yet she was too concerned about what will happen at the other house if she follows our roles while at ours. We fully accept that we can't dictate what happens there, all we can do is our best at our house- but we won't allow important things to be neglected at our house because the other parent says we should. I don't know what have you the idea that anyone here, parent or step parent, was trying to enforce something at the other house- and I'm sorry if anything I said read that way- but perhaps that's more what you expect to see?

Dogs no Afro thankfully. Lots of different hair colours and types, but no Afro.

Smelliest that is the issue- she was refusing to brush it here because of the other home. If the other parent chooses to handle it differently then that is up to them, but not fair to tell her what she's allowed to do here.

I just wanted to check that actually it was reasonable to say it needs to be done daily, if everyone else thought it was ok to leaves it despite it getting tangled then we might have had to adjust our views. We believe that would be neglectful.