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Original poster

My husband threw a plate, can we move past this?

42 replies

changedmynameforthis1424 · 10/04/2020 12:31

As my username suggests I changed my name for this. This happened two weeks ago but I can’t seem to get past it. One night after dinner whilst clearing up I had a minor disagreement with my husband. This then escalated and he smashed a plate on the floor. A shard of porcelain cut my bare leg quite badly. Obviously he didn’t mean to hurt me (he didn’t throw the plate at me) and he is mortified, but I find it really hard to forgive, even though the marriage is otherwise good (two small children).

He’s been feeling really stressed (made redundant because of corona) and it is out of character. But for some reason I still find it hard to forgive. Could you forgive this?

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 10/04/2020 12:33

Of course I could. He’s only human; we all make mistakes.

Ludo19 · 10/04/2020 12:34

Has he ever lost his temper like this before? If it was a minor disagreement it sounds like he can't control his temper! Was he apologetic after your injury?

cheeseislife8 · 10/04/2020 12:34

To be honest I'd struggle with it, but my views may be coloured by my experiences with an ex who began this way and escalated

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GreyishDays · 10/04/2020 12:34

Given that it wasn’t at you, I’d let that go right now.

Serenschintte · 10/04/2020 12:37

My DH once slammed a plate into the wall next to me. After I’d come back from leaving the house for an hour or so we had a talk.
I explained if he ever did it again I would take the Dc and leave.
It was a period of high stress for him. I explained that he doesn’t show any sign of escalation irritation/stress. He didn’t realize this. He though he did. Brought up in a house where angry emotions not really allowed.
He apologized. He has never done it again,
He has never touched me to hurt me and that wasn’t his intention then.
Try to move past it. I hope that you can.

Gorganzolabrie · 10/04/2020 12:37

If it's out of character and, given that he's remorseful, I'd let it go this time. If it (or any similar acts of aggression) happens again I think it would be very worrying.

Original poster
changedmynameforthis1424 · 10/04/2020 12:38

He was apologetic. He is normally a peaceful person. I think you are right, he made a mistake and I should let it go. It just felt like such an act of uncontrolled aggression, even though it wasn’t aimed at me it still scared me😬

OP posts:
Original poster
changedmynameforthis1424 · 10/04/2020 12:38

Thanks all really appreciate you taking the time to reply

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 10/04/2020 12:41

Possibly. In her time my DM threw more than her share of plates and she and my DF would describe themselves as having a happy marriage and this was v much true.

However it would have been nice for them to have learnt a more constructive way of arguing earlier on than starting WW3 each time for years.

Dollywilde · 10/04/2020 12:47

Tricky. I grew up in a house with that sort of aggression and have always sworn I wouldn’t tolerate it. However, in the current context, with his redundancy, I can see how people are feeling pushed to the edge. You can’t force yourself to forgive but if he truly does understand the seriousness of it and that it cannot ever be repeated, I’d be inclined to try to move past it.

Dollywilde · 10/04/2020 12:48

FWIW if he’d been aggressive towards you my advice would be very different and I wouldn’t tolerate that once, even in the context of that stress.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/04/2020 12:48

I’m not sure if I could get past it if DH did something that scared me like that. Not to mention the resulting injury from the act.

AudTheDeepMinded · 10/04/2020 12:49

My now DH once threw a handful of cutlery after me as I flounce out the door during an argument. That was in around 2004 and it's never happened again. I would normally advocate not tolerating violent actions and caution it being the start of an escalation into routine domestic violence. But in the current circumstances perhaps a one off mistake can be learnt from and moved past. Obviously in anything similar were to happen ever again, that's an entirely different matter. You need to talk it through calmly and explain exactly how it has affected you and how unacceptable it is.

Aknifewith16blades · 10/04/2020 13:17

If he threw it at you, it would be game over + time to leave.

I'd be concerned, and I'd be looking for other signs that things weren't right. You might find Lundy Bancroft's book 'Should I Stay or Should I go' useful; his other DV book is widely recommended.

Please don't feel you are wrong to feel wary around him. You don't have to pretend to be ok.

user1635896324685367 · 10/04/2020 13:23

If he's sorry, how does he intend to prevent a repeat occurrence?

Yallreadyforthis · 10/04/2020 13:29

God, let it go!

He's a human being who released his stress in an unhealthy way. Who on earth has never done that?

Never shouted at the kids when you shouldn't have?

Never snapped at a co-worker?

Never made a mistake driving when you were stressed about getting to work?
You've never made a mistake? Ever?

He was human. He genuineky apologised.
Show some compassion instead of holding a grudge- which, by the way, is also a marker of stress. Imagine making a mistake and having your partner beat you with it for two weeks.

If he is deliberately violent to you, yes, go- immediately.
This was an accident. Let it go.

AmelieTaylor · 10/04/2020 13:41

Yes. I could forgive him.

I'd explain that even though he didn't throw it AT me, the aggression really scared me & ask he thinks about that in future.

If he had thrown it AT me, intending to hit me, it would be game over

Hope your leg heals soon & without a scar.

saraclara · 10/04/2020 13:45

Yes. He's lost his job, he's stressed, he didn't throw it at you, and he's mortified and apologetic. Let it go.

It's very scary to see someone lose control like that, I know. Especially if they're normally calm and together. But you know why this happened, you know this isn't the usual him, and it looks like he scared himself too.

vanillandhoney · 10/04/2020 13:46

It's not ideal but I wouldn't end a relationship over it.

Khione · 10/04/2020 13:49

I once hit my ex with a frying pan (luckily cold).

I had asked the kids to leave the kitchen and go to daddy in the lounge, they didn't (they were 4 and 3) I then asked him to come and get them (he was sitting in the lounge).

He came and asked 'what's up'. I asked him to take the kids as I was about to start frying. I can't remember what was said after that (it was many years ago). But he ended up saying to the kids 'Oh just ignore her, she's just hormonal'. (I was hormonal at the time). I just swung round and hit him with the frying pan that was in my hand. Purely instinctive and totally wrong - I have never done anything like it before or since.

He was an arse but I shouldn't have done that. It was out of character and didn't lead to any violence against him ever again.

Luckily the pan was cold and clean.

FaFoutis · 10/04/2020 13:49

It sounds like a one off to me and he didn't throw it at you. I'd forgive him (and I have zero tolerance due to growing up with DV).

TSSDNCOP · 10/04/2020 13:53

Depends on the plate.

Seriously, in the context you describe, with his contrition evident, this one has to go in the put it behind you bin.

mbosnz · 10/04/2020 13:55

Once, during a very similar period of very high stress, I threw a fruitbowl out the back door. I didn't realise DH was coming back for something, he was supposed to be off to work. . . thankfully it didn't collect him in the head as he came in. I was mortified!

I've never done it again, and can now say to him, I'm getting perilously close to fruitbowl alert, and he knows how stressed I am, which can be useful.

Longwinded way of saying that because it's extreme circumstances, extraordinary levels of stress, out of character, and he didn't throw it at you, I'd let it go as a one off.

But at the same time, it's understandable that you are feeling very upset about it.

FaFoutis · 10/04/2020 13:57

I once threw a pan of baked beans at the window. Sanity kicked in at the last minute and I hung onto the pan and just threw the beans. We are only human.

ThinkPink71 · 10/04/2020 14:05

Sounds like hes going through a bad time you you just need to be there for him xx

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