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Original poster

I've realised my dh is less interesting than I hoped.

27 replies

fartyface · 08/04/2020 09:18

He always seems swamped with work and is also studying and has explained that that is why he doesn't have time for anything else.

But now... His exam is cancelled, he is wfh but all he is doing is working and studying. He hasn't ce up with anything interesting for the children to do, he is uninterested in household maintenance (the kitchen needs painting etc) he doesn't want to play his believed piano, he isn't interested in fitness or running, he doesn't want to watch telly with me or do soemthing else together in an evening, he doesn't maintain any friendships and only rings his family if I nudge him. He works and then wants the play a game on his computer. And that is it.

I always knew he was less go getting then me, but this lockdown is showing me that he is who he says he is. Ordinarily I have to pursuade him to do a day out, take kids for a meal, have friends round etc but his excuse is normally that he is busy, not that he doesn't want to.

He won't change will he?

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 08/04/2020 10:07

That sounds pretty miserable for you. How old are your kids? Has he ever expressed any feeling of enjoyment at being with them usually? Or with you?

Before lockdown, if you arranged for the two of you to go out together, would he have seemed to enjoy it?

I would suggest having a big think about whether you can live like this and then having a serious discussion with him about how you hadn't envisioned living with a partner who spent zero time doing family things Sad and is he prepared to change?

catspyjamas123 · 08/04/2020 10:12

He’s a burden. Who is doing all the domestic stuff that has to be done - cooking, cleaning and of course shopping (a dangerous mission these days). I bet it’s you, OP. He’s selfish and he’s a passenger in your relationship. Do you want to live like this for years and years? I did and it all ended badly - not least with me paying this passenger a lot of money to go away.

billy1966 · 08/04/2020 10:31

He sounds very selfish, and a burden OP.

I can really understand posters who find it easier to be on their own than have someone who contributes nothing to family life.

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Whitegrenache · 08/04/2020 10:37

My dp is frustrating me as he is usually so busy with work but now at home. Whilst hee isn't as active with the kids education and fun activities he is doing house work, making meals while I work - so I do feel your pain but I'm trying to appreciate the things he can do within his capability and comfort zone

Whitegrenache · 08/04/2020 10:37

Could he be feeling depressed?

Original poster
fartyface · 08/04/2020 10:59

He isn't depressed.

He does a share around the house but it is driven by me. He is always willing but passive. He has set tasks that he does. Just no initiative to do something different /interesting. Eg will cook, but it will be something simple or in current days the thing off the meal plan I write.

Kids are 4, 6 and 8. And yes I work in an equally senior job and study too. I am better organised..

OP posts:
catspyjamas123 · 08/04/2020 11:35

Be careful! I had a useless ex like this. Had to ask him to do anything and he default mode was slumped in front of the computer. I earned more and despite doing most stuff at home he ripped me off for a fortune when we divorced. Get rid now.

Heygirlheyboy · 08/04/2020 11:41

My husband's personality can be similar but a difference being he is a whizz in the house and garden so no added resentment on that scale. I do know what you mean, an absence of lust for life. Upbringing perhaps?

KonTikki · 08/04/2020 11:42

Don't get rid of him.
You say he is willing when asked. That's a whole lot better than unwilling when asked.
Seriously, you would divorce him for what. Having less energy, being less proactive, not being creative enough ?

Portia77 · 08/04/2020 11:48

Sounds like he's burned out from work and studying. He might just need some down time. I know its tough especially with the kids but perhaps give him the benefit of the doubt for now. Not everyone can be high energy and go getting all the time.

TheVanguardSix · 08/04/2020 11:58

I think this is possibly the worst time to hold things against one another. These are not normal times. We're all housebound, pretty much, bar the bit of daily exercise. Our routines are upside down. The kids are home 24/7. None of this is a bad thing, it's just... different. Cut him slack. Cut yourself slack. I'm not saying that your expectations are unreasonable, but you're judging harshly, especially at a time when he may be feeling rudderless.

Maybe he is unhappy. Maybe he too feels incompatible with you. Maybe you need to talk to him. He may find you as draining as you find him simply because your approaches to life, as individuals, hinder your compatibility as a couple. Talk to him. And listen without judgment. He is who he is. You are who you are. You both need to honour this and find a way forward.
I don't play my beloved violin. I can't be asked at the moment. I'm tired! And I feel a bit lost as a parent. I haven't nailed homeschooling and my eldest's A levels are fucked. You wouldn't know it at all by looking at me, but I am deeply, deeply worried about everything at the moment.

LilacTree1 · 08/04/2020 12:02

If you want your partner to be more “interesting” in times like these, you’re the problem.

Original poster
fartyface · 08/04/2020 12:05

Am I though lilac? Obviously I appreciate the criticism but it is a bit pointless of you.

I get that times are different but this also bring opportunity to spend time together and it appears that he doesn't really want to.

Its not a question of therefore ltb. It is a reflection that actually we are less compatible than I thought.

OP posts:
Ilovesausages · 08/04/2020 12:06

My DH can be a bit like this

But,

Global pandemic.

It’s really normal to not have any additional get up and go at the moment.

LilacTree1 · 08/04/2020 12:09

“Obviously I appreciate the criticism but it is a bit pointless of you.“

You can have the passive aggressive crown.

ZoeandChandon · 08/04/2020 12:12

Times like these can highlight the cracks. I think a successful marriage involves teamwork, and by the sound of it, he may not a team player.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 08/04/2020 12:15

Ah cool, so I suppose it'll be OK for the op to be "burnt out" from all her ft work, study, childcare, and housework, and take her self off to sit in front of the TV all day and only get off her arse when asked or given a specific job. After all we mustn't expect too much of any one these days, and she'll do it if he asks her and maybe gives her a list so that should be good enough for him. The op might be depressed as well. Can't expect her to have any "get up and go" in times like these. Sounds fair to me.

OP, enjoy your limitless free time doing whatever the fuck you want and thinking of no one but yourself. I mean, your house will turn to shit and your kids will starve, but who cares right? According to some posters here you can just please yourself and blame it on burn out/depression/isolation stress. Total free pass to opt out of family life. I'm sure your husband will give you the benefit of the doubt, not hold it against you, and pick up all the slack as poster are suggesting you do for him.

Or maybe that's not actually how it works when you're an adult with responsibilities Hmm

DonnaDarko · 08/04/2020 12:29

It sounds like he's always like this. I don't understand how you thought being in all the time would automatically change his personality.

billy1966 · 08/04/2020 12:31

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

Well said ...👏👏

Portia77 · 08/04/2020 12:31

It was just another point of veiw, no need to be so reactive, just ignore it if you think its bad input. So many hyper angry people on here sometimes, you're not even the Op.

user1493413286 · 08/04/2020 12:39

It feels harsh of people to call him a burden; he’s doing his share in the house and apart from the fact that I’m trying to think of things to do with my DD then your description isn’t massively different to me (if you replace gaming with reading).

Original poster
fartyface · 08/04/2020 12:49

I think you are right Donna it is just more obvious now. It is not a housework grumble specifically as he will do whatever. He has a good relationship with the kids but in a very passive, we are all in the same room kind of way.

It is about initiative.
You know when you say "I didn't want lockdown but at least I get a chance to....." there is nothing there - read more, do exercise, play board games, go for a walk etc etc. I don't really care what, it's just the nothing is so boring.

OP posts:
Destroyer · 08/04/2020 12:57

It can be very difficult to go from working and studying 100% to having it all taken away.

It’s not unusual to suddenly not know how to fill your time.

Foghead · 08/04/2020 13:09

It sounds crap op.
It’s hard for everyone and it’s a shame that you’re not even getting any companionship let alone support, from your own husband.
If he does do things if asked, then I would ask him to do something every day with his family and start on some home projects.

Dowser · 08/04/2020 13:15

I have very little motivation right now
All I want to do is go out

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