help with DS ASD at home

[homeschoolchaos]

I know I could post this in SEN but looking for a bit more traffic.

Obviously DS5 (y1) is now at home for the foreseeable. He’s newly diagnosed as ASD (Aspergers to be precise) and we are all struggling a little bit. Academically he’s above average, emotionally he’s well below.

DS is, I think, reacting badly to the lack of school routine and structure, and we are seeing a lot of behaviour, and a lack of impulse control (lashing out at younger DS,3). We are obviously trying to not let situations escalate, but with trying to wfh and just general house renovation chaos, it’s not always possible. All of his behaviour is feelings related, and I suspect it’s linked to 1) no school, 2) DH & my availability. Schoolwork is a good distraction, as is exercise/outdoor garden time.

I’m really looking for what behaviour management techniques we should try - his paperwork mentions social stories but I have no experience here, where to look/how to start. Traditional time-out style discipline has never worked for him, but how do we communicate very bad behaviour won’t be tolerated (mostly the destructive/dangerous/hurting others kind)? It’s sometimes a ploy for attention, so that makes suitable consequence hard to determine.

Any of you who have experience with ASD discipline, I’d appreciate your input!

If I were to sit with him on my knee for the next 6 months that would be a solution, but I would go mad. He has a high need for physical touch, but mostly me. Obsessed with my hair too, so any suggestions on how to break this habit welcome. I won’t have any hair at all at this rate!

Anyone?

Tony Atwood ‘ Asperger’s Syndrome, a guide for parents and professionals’ is the man I found most useful for understanding and strategies. Although nowadays, the ex tends to be one of HFA.
NAS have lots of useful resources, but you’re the expert on your son, pick and choose what fits him. Work out what his triggers are and try and be proactive about managing them, rather than reactive. Consistency is essential, don’t chop and change rules. Have a few, and be specific. Put structure into his day, give him times to withdraw and not have to interact.
If it helps, a rule of thumb that works for many Aspies is that they function at 2/3 of their chronological age emotionally, so 6 is more like 4.

My employer has sometimes been able to allow parents and carers to work reduces hours. Are there any options with your employer or dad’s? Once the world is open again you could consider applying for an EHCP as I think they are prioritising children with those.
Right now, try a visual timetables. So if he can tell the time and read write that out, graphics if not.
Clear signals that you are moving from one phase to another, so move from one part of the house to another, remove kitchen table place settings when it is becoming work time.
Label things. Don’t go for a family walk. Call it PE. Joe Wicks PE is annoying but he calls it PE.
He has high sensory needs? You can buy stuff, including things that mimic a close hug.

Do you have any kind of visual timetable for the day?.

Ds is 15 so much older but is only recently diagnosed. At the moment I'm using a relaxed timetable with him but school have suggested that we maybe start him with a more rigid timetable.

How do they manage his behaviour at school? Could they offer you any advice on techniques they use?

If you have sensory toys they might help to stop him with your hair obsession. Or even a doll that maybe he could brush it's hair or hold onto instead of yours! Ds has a stringy sensory toy and he pretty much uses it all day, whatever he is doing.

Hopefully other posters will have some ideas. Keep going though, I'm sure you are doing a good job.

Ex should be dx, diagnosis.

Different clothes helped when I home schooled mine years ago. We had a set of learning clothes and certain behaviour was expected, so they knew when they ‘at school’. Timetables.
Visual stories can be found online and printed off.
Good luck!

I agree with trying to meet that sensory need - a furry blanket? My dd8 has become harder to handle at home now and dd11, who is usually way more challenging, has relaxed a little. It’s not the result I would have expected, but I’m guessing each autistic child is reacting quite differently to the circumstances.

Morning 😊

Have you any visual resources at all or do you know of any in use in school that you can replicate?

If you look up widgit online there is a free trial to create your own resources for now and next boards, visual timetables etc
Smart box also has some talking mats/ visuals to support understanding

The difficulty with behaviour is that your son will likely know what he is doing is wrong but in the moment can't stop it, or has learned that bad behaviour is a way of getting out of the situation he's in -which may be motivated by being overwhelmed by sensory stimulus or anxiety, or just not wanting to do what has been asked -it can be incredibly difficult to distinguish the motivation

When he is calm after the even then address the behaviour and social stories can be really useful for this.

A simple example might be (use your children's names)

Jack was playing
Ben took his toy
Jack felt angry and hit Ben
Ben was hurt
Mum was angry and sad
Next time Jack is angry Jack will tell Mum

Often it's best to prevent or deflect rather than trying to deal with unwanted behaviours after they have happened

He may be sensory seeking with the hair etc so can you have a box of different things he can access -objects will totally be trial and error but things like a dressing gown cord, a silky scarf or wool may be good starting points if he's going for your hair

I also recommend to everyone looking at intensive interaction -it can make huge impacts on appropriate social interaction

When things are more normal in the world, have you got some OT and speech therapy input? If not I'd be requesting some

I have the same diagnosis but wasn't diagnosed until I turned 40.

I would use his intelligence to help him understand emotions. Start now and you'll be well away for when he gets older.

For me, I loved the Mr Men. Completely loved them. And still do tbh.

They teach you in a simple way about emotions. Mr Happy etc. As soon as he can learn to label the feelings and express them verbally then he and you will have an easier life.

I would just reinforce reinforce. Do NOT ask, how do you feel, as he won't be able to process like this. But you can help him to explore his behaviour and start to associate it with the underlying emotional cause. Even at 5.

Wow, such good suggestions, almost none that we are already doing.

I agree Aspergers is an unusual dx nowadays; I wasn’t expecting it so queried it, but that’s what the panel decided to use.

Asking school for help isn’t going to get me very far - he’s the model pupil in the classroom. At the moment, they don’t really see any ASD type behaviours, though he had a rough time in year R which I think was the lack of structure.

The hair thing has been as long as I can remember, a tiny baby hand made its way there and I’ve not been able to get it out since. There is a really soft blanket that he likes to wrap himself in (unclothed). I wondered about something with hair like a doll or a troll.

Work is ok - not been furloughed but workload is lower than usual and boss is relaxed at the moment. DH being home and unavailable isn’t helping.

No support, but have had previous speech therapy input. I suspect he’s not presenting with enough difficulty at school for an EHCP. I worry about the future, he’s impulsive and emotional.

I too love Mr Men! That’s a great idea - we’ve been reading them forever. Perhaps we can label his feelings as different Mr Men.

Can I ask - how/why were you diagnosed? Sometimes I wonder about myself, but not sure whether a diagnosis would make a difference for me.

I can really recommend weighted blankets for aspies who seek a lot of proprioceptive input. It feels like a lovely hug and might help for calming him down at times

"Now and next" boards are good

Trampolines if you have one are a good regulator for some kids who need physical movements

Re the hair - how about a nice silky curtain tassel tie back to play with?

@missfliss hah! We got rid of loads of curtain tiebacks when we de-80’s-ed this house!

Oh my goodness, that's a long long story.

In a nutshell, dysfunctional family, autism clearly genetic and running undiagnosed up the line. Parents marriage awful. I learnt to cope with it by analysing human behaviour and becoming obsessed with how human beings 'work'.

Excelled at school, Oxbridge, socially struggled, very lonely, assumed would have a high flying career but got into the workplace and struggled madly. Had meltdowns, lost a job, lost confidence, anxiety and depression, saw psychiatrist, explored bipolar, did a shed ton of research and self diagnosed, asked for assessment, got diagnosis.

It's helped me for lots of reasons. Might need a new post for that.

Make a routine for him, so he gets up and gets dressed, has breakfast then some reading etc.

How long is your hair? Teach him to plait your hair of it is long enough, but only once a day.

Weighted vest. Body sock. Wobble board. Sheepskin rug. Headphones. Projects. Structure. Time alone. Transition management.

Houseful of ASD here. Also ADHD.

Could you get him interested in seeds/plants etc. Could keep him busy and give structure to the day tending to them.

@CoronaVera some interesting parallels for me - especially the drive to understand all the people around me. I’ve never lost a job, but I’ve run away from several because I can’t get on with specific individuals, and am choosy with my friendships. Thanks for sharing

@sashh unfortunately someone has already taught him how to plait, and he would happily plait my hair all day.

He’s ok on his own in front of the tv, and will play with his brother, but would much rather play with me. If I’m in the same room he will insist on sitting on me.

Thanks @OverMy - good suggestions. I probably do need to come up with some sort of visual timetable for the day. we don’t stick to the same thing every day, but breaking the plan up would be helpful for him.

Could you plait bread dough or make a rainbow decoration by plaiting any material you have? But if you can, put this on the timetable and try and lay out the materials in a copy of the way they do a my school.

And make dh pull his weight. Most employers could cope with understanding he was a parent and needed to work flexibly. Put dh on the timetable for an activity or three.

Transitions are difficult. I only struggle with them if I'm tired but knowing that the activity will change is useful. Five minute warnings are good. It can take a long time to leave one thing and focus on another. I almost have to make my brain find a way to make whatever I'm doing into a container so I can understand it. Understand where the edges are and how what I do fits in that.

At the same time I need unstructured time too. Timetables are exhausting and we need time for our minds to wander and become totally absorbed into whatever that is that interests it without being interrupted or disrupted and forced to move into a new mental container.

Personally I hate a timetable. But we're all different.

Corona is more authoritative than me. So I have to agree my suggestions might not work for you.

But I have no doubts about the making dh take a turn.

And I have no doubts that you can’t do everything. You don’t have to do the same paid work and the same domestic stuff as when your kids were at school/pre-school, and home educate within a home not designed for 24 hour occupancy and.. be kind to yourself.

OT calming strategies,

Firm hugs
Heavy work
Massage hands/feet
Rock in one plane,

DD sits with a wheat bag on her shoulders.

Keep well fed, right temperature enough to drink, not too loud or bright.

Sounds like he needs plenty of firm touch. Can he wear a backpack?

The hair thing sounds like my DS
Nothing else is as lovely as hair, so now he has long hair, well past his shoulder blades... and he mostly leaves mine alone, except if we're snuggling.

I appreciate that's a longer term solution though.
He also likes velvet, so he has a velvet cushion in his bed (or under it often, it's a raised bed with den underneath) and also a velvet jacket that he often wears at home for comfort.
Social stories we used to do with DD with puppets, often finger puppets that we're just from IKEA (all fishes/sea creatures) or even socks.

I do appreciate it may be tricky to get hold of stuff at the moment. DD finds it very important to stick to her usual school day routine (she's even having break at the same time) but DS is happy to do things in any order- you know your child so just go with what he finds helps most.

Oh, and DD used to like stroking ribbon, so I took about six different ribbons, sewed then all together about half way down, so it was like a tassel of 12 strands, IYSWIM, and she could stroke/suck/faff with that. You might have ribbons lying around.